OK, so it starts out boring, and then goes absolutely nuts. Start reading the comments somewhere in the 90's and then work your way down, and behold the nuttiness that is the Nacle. That is the problem with these blog things, after awhile most people just stop paying attention, and then crazy stuff gets in. Where is the heavy hand of the Admin now?
So I received a personal revelation the other day that all Nacle participants need to stop reproducing entirely, because they neglect their children in favor of blogging. All of you need to get spayed or neutered, now. You can make up for the lack of mortal offspring in the afterlife.
OK, so it starts out boring, and then goes absolutely nuts. Start reading the comments somewhere in the 90's and then work your way down, and behold the nuttiness that is the Nacle. That is the problem with these blog things, after awhile most people just stop paying attention, and then crazy stuff gets in. Where is the heavy hand of the Admin now?
Not seconds, not minutes, not hours, but days...DAYS pass without some Nacle hipster taking upon themselves to comment, either positively or negatively, on the new Joseph Smith:Prophet of the Restoration movie the LDS Church has put out. What is going on? Are all of them so far behind on their finish-the-BOM-by-the-end-of-year that everything else has fallen by the wayside? That might be the case for the BCCers, but we are confidant the permabores at M* and T&S have already finished. Oh, I know what it is, all those guys got the new XBox360 for Christmas and are glued to their HDTVs with surround sound.
Yes, it is true, sex is boring...if you are discussing it on T&S. Talk about sucking the life out of a subject. Wow, lets talk about blastulas and binary fission while we're at it.
P.S., No, we are not back danithew, we are still on vacation until early next week, and, yes, your secretary does think you are wierd, because.
P.P.S., Kingsley, wild or no, we will not be discussing any interesting tidbits of our personal lives here.
P.P.P.S, Julie*, come on, do you have to delete things so vigorously?
*if it wasn't you who deleted it, insert whoever's name should be here (e.g., Kaimi, whoever).
Hey all you Naclers, see you after the Holidays. Until then, we here at the SnarkerNacle wish you all a great Christmas!
P.S., Yes, Stephen (ethesis), we are taking a little break here, so you don't have to point out to us that we have "slowed down some".
Our favorite gal at FMH is at it again!. TMILisa has some Christmas gifts for Santa!
Come and trim my Christmas tree,
With some decorations bought at Lindt's, honey,
I really do believe in you,
Let's see if you believe in me
Hurry down the chimney tonight
Hey, TMILisa, thanks for that lovely solo there. Almost as good as Marilyn Monroe.
I dont know though, I am still trying to figure out what H.O.T. stands for.
Heathen-derived Offensive Tree worship?
Hands On Training?
How Old is the Tiramisu?
Hey, we Ought to go to the Temple?
Herd Of Turtles?
After a punishing one hour walk to work and back, this is what Rusty's feet look like:
Oh, the humanity! Oh, the suffering! Its no wonder New Yorkers are complaining so much, since their legs and feet were long ago relegated to the status of vestigial organs given their dependence on the public transit system.
But, at least Rusty has learned what it was like for the early Pioneers. I hear it was just awful for them too, having to carry their luggage from the airport terminal to the limo themselves, on the way to the chauffeured handcart company, and only having a very limited selection of Dansko clogs on the frontier. Oh, my heck!
John Dehlin, the Nacle's podcast zealot, has challenged the Nacle to conform to his own image of what he thinks it should look like. Nice.
Hey, John, we here at the SnarkerNacle have some challenges for you:
1. Create Nacle videoconference/webcam chat room. Since getting to know each other's faces is requisite to your DehliNacle, set it up. Then, we can all get a good look at what each other looks like unshowered in their pyjamas. And, forbid participants from wearing masks or Graucho Marx mustachioed nose-glasses.
2. DehliNacle Correlation Meeting. Sure to be as effective as any PEC meeting, let us all meet in a giant circle of folding chairs and talk about what it is we are supposed to do this month, and then not really do at all, with the exception of leak any confidential information via the ward grapevine.
3. Create a DehliNacle Hot or Not website. Nacle participants can rate, on a scale of 1 to 10, how hot or not hot a post or fellow participant is. Weekly updates to the "Who's Hot, Who's not" top and bottom 10 will be sent out via e-mail.
4. You buy us all iPods. I want an iPod shuffle, but it needs to be hacked so that it not only randomly shuffles podcasts, I want mine to randomly shuffle the contents of podcasts, mixing them all up together in 5-10 second sound bites, and add something by Bjork or the Sugarcubes as background music. That is the only way it would be entertaining enough that I would listen to them.
5. Encourage M* to take on Sunstone as their co-permabloggers. Just as BCC has teamed up with Dialogue (and what a stunning success that has been, I mean readership of Dialogue has gone up by the dozens!), having M* and Sunstone team up would result in no small fireworks and some great posts. This will give Sunstone real Nacle credibility as they show off their stuff, and sap M* of its will to live.
6. Have the Nacle collaborate on a musical version of the Bloggernacle. It could be "Give My Regards to Bloggernacle", or "Salt Lake, Salt Lake!" or "les Nacerables" or "The fMh Monologues" or "The BOH Producers" or "Beauty & the Beast:MPJ & DKL".
You can do it, John, I know you can. I know I'm out of line commanding you to do these things, but I know you are capable of greater things than just podcasts. I hope you will sieze the moment.
With the Nacle slowing down to almost a complete grinding halt around the Holidays, there is nothing like throwing out a bone to our favorite dog Contention. Here, Contention, here, boy! Come get it!
And, so Geoff B, rakes up the M* muck, or should I say "protoplasmic ooze", for some more Evolution/Intelligent Design arguments. Its the typical nonsense, but in the comments is one beauty from NDBF Gary, who speculates all science textbooks will have to be rewritten after the Second Coming because then everyone will realize there was no death before the Fall. That, or none of them will have to be rewritten because the whole NDBF thing will be shown to be a bunch of speculative hogwash fomented by tradition, and little else.
Mr. Stegosaurus says, "No, no, NDBF Gary is right!"
Google executives, known to be hardcore Nacle afficionados, took their cue from Steve Evans' Bloggernacle Zeitgeist (defunct for the time being, until Steve fulfils his BOH-induced penitence) and created their own Google Zeitgeist. Google executives stated they were saddened by Evans' self-imposed exile, and wanted to honor his contributions in some small way. When asked about a Google Zeitcast, executives indicated there was an alpha version currently under development with AOL, but would comment no further.
Rumor has it OSC is so busy hobnobbing with Hollywood types he has not only snubbed his faithful legion of Creative Writing groupies at SVU, he has also pretty much blown off both December Holidays observed by faithful Mormons. Upon hearing the news, ants all over the world rejoiced.
Why someone hasn't done this already, I don't know. But, we have pulled this one together for all our NacleBuddies to enjoy. I doubt they can ship it to you by Christmas, but it would be a great gift any time. I know what GeoffJ is getting for his BDay!
If people like it and it actually proves to be sufficient motive, the SnarkerNacle will dole out one of these per month, at the end of the month, to snarkworthy tipsters who's material gets posted. Starting in January, 2006.
As Blather of Heathens slips into obscurity, DKL struggles to fill the idle minutes of his day, formerly filled with artfully crafted posts designed to make him look clever as he attacked his femme faux alter ego. And, so, David, deep in denial over the whole thing, resorts to the one place a few people might still look upon him favorably, and posts as himself in the voice of Miranda PJ. And having been outed as attempting to ingratiate himself with all the local feminists, actually does post as MPJ. Eeew. I have a new nome de plume for Dastardly David: Cleopatra, Queen of Denial.
P.S., Has anyone but me noticed David has an enduring interest in mental health issues?
Rebecca (a.k.a. Mrs. Ronan) over at FMH gives us a nice primer on how the English do Christmas. But, she fails to mention the perennial favourite: Figgy Pudding.
Rebecca, how could you forget the figgy pudding?
Now bring us some figgy pudding, now bring us some figgy pudding, now bring us some figgy pudding, and bring it right now!
Girl, if you don't get us some figgy pudding, we won't go until we get some. So you better get in the kitchen, cuz we on vacation, we got loads of time, and we want some. NOW!
NOW BRING US SOME FIGGY PUDDING! NOW BRING US SOME FIGGY PUDDING, REBECCA! YOU BETTER GET US SOME FIGGY PUDDING, AND I SAID RIGHT NOW! GOT IT? NOW!
Having little else to talk about, besides Mitt Romney's imminent failure at running for President, the Nacle has decided to talk about something seasonal: Smith's Birthday. Yes, its true. Joseph Smith Jr. was born around, but not on, Christmas, so let us all expostulate with hate-filled anti-mormons to show them we do not worship Joseph Smith, as they allege.
I guess this is not so much an issue in Canada and the UK, since its Boxing Day? Or what would have happened if Smith was born on Valentine's Day? Or Easter? Or 4th of July? Or Thanksgiving? Would we worry about giving thanks for Brother Joseph?
Lots of people were born on Dec. 23rd, about 1/365 of the world's population I'd guess. And Smith's birthday has been that for about, what, 200 years now, so what is the big deal? Some ravenous, livid, hate mongering dolts are moaning and puling. What's news? If they didn't complain about that, they would complain about something else equally contrived and irrelevant.
Have a Merry Christmas, be grateful for what Smith did, and pass the egg nog.
Vince McMahon: Wow, I have seen a lot of amazing fights in my life, but nothing like that. I mean, whoa, that was scary. I am going to need therapy.
Bloggernacle Snarker: Yeah, I'll say, that was incredible. Even sends shivers down my spine, and its not like I have to worry about that kind of thing.
VM: Snarker, why don't you recap for the audience what just transpired?
S: OK, Vince, I will try, but I don't think I can do it justice.
OK fight fans, after the opening act, Mike Tyson vs. Randy "Macho Man" Savage was over with, the crowd settled in for the Main Event, the Final BloggerNacle Deathmatch.
First, Adam Greenwood came into the ring and starting warming up with some martial arts exercises and stretches. The crowd was hushed, because it was obvious Greenwood had been doing some intensive training since the last bout. Greenwood then announced he should be referred to as "Zorg". The crowd whispered the name questioningly. A menacing and scary name to be sure.
Then the introductory music "Eye of the Tiger" blared over the loudspeakers and TMILisa came out of the dressing rooms and jogged up to the ring in a lovely satin pale pastel pink robe and matching leotard and boots. TMILisa vaulted over all three ropes and the crowd went wild! An entire section of seats was full of nothing but Lisa's and they all chanted "LISA, LISA, LISA..." She waved to the crowd, smiled, and then sat criss-cross-applesauce in the center of the ring, with her head bowed and hands perpendicular palms together. The crowd went silent, and even Zorg was distracted by the unusual site, stopping his calisthenics.
The referee started entering the ring, and when he did, TMILisa sprung to her feet, and did three double back flips into her conrer, silently and seemingly effortlessly landing with her butt perfectly placed on the stool, hands palm down on knees. Everone was stunned.
Realizing what he was up against, Zorg did a series of leg sweeps followed by a front roll and back flip into his corner. It was mostly for his own confidence though, and the crowd was still glued to TMILisa.
The Ref centered the ring and called the opponents up, and both walked up directly. The crowd watched with anticipation as the Ref announced the rules, and dismissed them to their corners. Both walked back to the corners and waited for the bell to ring.
When the bell rang, both walked deliberately to the center of the ring, faced off and bowed, hands at sides. Zorg announced "You have offended my family, and you have offended a Republican temple." TMILisa stated "To repress one's feelings only makes them stronger." Zorg was stunned by the implication, and stepped back, assuming combat stance, and TMILisa remained motionless.
Tension filled the ring, and the audience. Sweat beaded up on Zorg's brow. It was clear he had to make the first move, and so he attacked! He shrieked and lunged forward, but TMILisa raised both hands, palms facing Zorg, and pushed forward in the air as though pushing Zorg, and he flew backwards into the ropes, bouncing off and flopping on his face!
The crowd was stunned. Zorg was stunned. I was stunned. I mean, I usually only see stuff like that in cartoons!
Zorg got up, but was clearly off his game. He assumed an attack pose again, and charged. TMILisa ran towards him and jumped high into air, doing a spinning double kick as she flipped backwards, hitting Zorg in the face twice, once with each foot. He fell over onto his back, and she landed on the other side of him with her back to him.
She then jumped up and landed on the ropes, balancing, ran around the ring to face Zorg and stopped, standing on the ropes. Zorg again pulled himself to his feet, stumbling somewhat.
Then quick as lightning, TMILisa flew off the ropes, ran past Zorg, and then jumped back up the ropes again, on the other side, both of them backs to each other.
Zorg, stumbled, leaned forward, clutched at himself, and then fell face forward on the mat. He lift his head one last time and mumbled "No, no, not that..." and his face fell, never to rise again.
The crowd was silent, eyes fixed on TMILisa. She slowly raised her right hand, fist clenched in victory, and said "For all oppressed women everywhere, but most especially for all Mormon women oppressed by their right-wing Republican pseudo-orthodox husbands who exercise unrighteous dominion over them! MONKEY STEALS THE PEACH!!!"
The crowd errupted into crazed cheering, they went absolutely wild. Popcorn and soda flew into the air. Women spilled out of the seats into the aisles and rushed the ring, they jumped in and lifted TMILisa up, cheering and shouting.
However, looking back over the audience, a large number were sitting stunned, mostly men. They looked ashen white, almost deathly pale. As TMILisa was carried out of the stadium by the cheering crowd of women and their shouts faded, you could hear a low groaning, a sort of pathetic bass moaning from the men left stunned in their seats.
I have to tell you Vince, I was shocked myself. I mean, I was anesthetised when I was neutered, not like this.
Gordon Smith over at T&S says we should get the best deal we can and then donate whatever we save to charity. Sounds nice, but like anybody would ever do that. How would you calculate the difference to determine what you saved? Jeans from the Gap=$40 and jeans from Old Navy=$20, so send $20 to all the overworked displaced peasants in China making 2 cents an hour, 80 hours per week on 1950's era sewing machines? Got it. So I guess that means we'll all be having Denny's for Breakfast, Taco Smell for lunch, and McDogFood for dinner. That'll cost you 1.99 + 2.99 + 1.98 if you drink water and don't tip at Denny's, grand total=6.96, and send the balance of $18.04 to OxFam. What? You don't acually spend $25/day eating out? How much do you spend then? Ah, there's the rub. When it comes down to actually counting the amount we've saved, we just end up pocketing the difference, tell the Bishop at tithing settlement we are all good, and then consider ourselves charitable, Sri Lankan kids sewing shirts for Wal-Mart be damned.
Ms. Spackman gave in to temptation and was watching Gentile-produced heathen television on the morning of the Sabbath, while preparing for Church, instead of BYU-TV, and the onslaught of consumption-driven mass marketing Sabbath-day-violation was distracting her from getting to Church on time. Fortunately for her, a salutory piece on the LDS Church was featured, punctuating the messages of commercialized Christmas, and she kept the Sabbath day holy after all.
Dahling, you look Mahvelous. It is so good to see you. It is also so good to see the Blahgelnacle finally coming around to my point of view. You know dahling, it is betta to look good, than to feel good.
OK, OK, enough already. You love the guy, we got it. Nothing like hijacking a discussion to promote your personal agenda. You want people to say nice things about your husband? How about talking your husband into apologizing for acting like a jackass? Your one woman advocacy group will accomplish nothing against his one man self-immolation show.
Rumor has it the other participants at Our Thoughts are staging a coup detat, since Kim has admitted to violating the Word of Wisdom. Kim's wife, Mary, has been insisting it was an accident, but Kim has yet to step forward and explicitly disavow any deliberate attempt.
And you thought J Stapley was all intellectual and nrrrdy! This guy is down with the DDR and is all about the moshing pit. Yeah, bring it on! Straight edge y'all! Before we know it J. is going to tell us about going to Harley Week in FL and getting sme tatts and body mods.
Hey all my Naclebuddies, please help us out here at the Snarkernacle by submitting stuff for snarking. We try hard to keep our fingers on the pulse of the Nacle, but the truth is its kinda big and unwieldy, and diligent as we may be, we aren't omniscient. Yes, its true, I know that comes as a shock to some of you, but we are mere mortals here, and we sure could use your help.
So, whenever you see something snarkworthy, send us an e-mail with a link and even a suggested writeup, and we will check it out. Also, please let us know if you want credit, anonymous thanks, or no mention of source at all.
Send to: snarkernacle at yahoo dot ca, yes, thats .ca and not .com.
Well, here it is Naclites, the last and final Deathmatch round. Two go in, one comes out. Who shall it be, who bears the winner's spoils back to their clan? Who will die in infamy? Who will live in victory?
Vince McMahon: Good afternoon fight fans! Welcome back to the BloggerNacle Deathmatch for the Elimination round results. With me is the Bloggernacle Snarker.
Bloggernacle Snarker: Hi Vince, glad to be back, and thanks for having me. Hey, what happened to Macho Man?
VM: He couldn't be with us today. He said the fights were too boring, like a bunch of kids fighting in a sandbox. So, he left. But, lets got onto the fight! Snarker, you want to summarize the outcomes?
S: Sure, Vince, glad to.
The first round of combat was a real doozie! They paired off in man vs. man and woman vs. woman and went at it. Black Widow Welch and Don't Mess with Texas Julie went at it, clawing and scraping viciously. It was a close, very close fight. Things got ugly when Julie tore the Black Widow's costume and revealed some odd looking underwear. Not sure what that was about, but it clearly angered the Black Widow. Alas, it was to no avail as the punishing bodyshots Julie threw wore Welch down. She attempted her famous Black Widow Neck Wringer, but it backfired when Julie turned the ropes back on her and took her out.
Meanwhile Greenwood and Decoo duked it out, and I have to say that Greenwood's complete lack of restraint made short work of the civilized Decoo. Decoo's apologies and pleasantries were no match for Greenwood's harsh punches, kicks and headbutts, and Decoo was dispatched on short order.
Then Greenwood and Julie faced off, and it got ugly. Julie immediately delivered several gut shots and delivered a below the belt knee smash that sent Greenwood face down into the mat. "That is for leading all those faithful Mormon Singletons astray for telling them to marry non-members, you pseudo-mormon RINO!!!" But, Adam recovered quickly and delivered a punishing combination that took Julie by surprise. "Forgive me for having my own opinions!" he shouted, axe kicking her to the head. "Now lets see you scrape your jaw off the mat! HA!" he taunted her. Julie rolled over on the mat, and said "Aaron Brown is more of a conservative than you are." Adam went completely nuts at that, screamed and tore the hair on his head with both hands, climbed up the ropes, did a supafly snooka from the top rope, rendering Julie unconcious. Adam stumbled from the ring muttering something, apparently incoherent, it sounded like "I'm not Schwarzenegger...I'm not Giuliani...I'll show you" but I stayed away from him, he didn't look sane.
And the second fight was just as exciting as the first! gst was quickly dispatched by Rusty, his former partner, who apparently deceived him into thinking they would still work together. gst turned his back on Rusty and got leg swept for it, Rusty then quickly rendered him unconcious with an elbow smash to the side of the head. Steve and Lisa didn't even have time to start fighting, Rusty was so quick. Lisa backed away and let the two men duke it out.
Steve and Rusty circled the ring, eyeing each other. Steve said, "Now I am going to take revenge on you for exposing my beautiful creation, the glorious Banner of Heaven". Rusty retored, "Bring it on, Jenn". The two then arm locked and head butted until Steve delivered a knee to Rusty's gut. Rusty crumpled and Steve took advantage to drag him over to the corner and smash his head against the corner post, all the while screaming "I AM NOT JENN!" over and over. But, while Steve was obsessed with smashing Rusty's head to a pulp, TMILisa sneaked up on him with a folding chair and whalloped him. Both Rusty and Steve slumped over, and the Ref declared Lisa the winner! And she didn't even work up a sweat. Upon leaving the ring, Lisa was overheard saying "I am so glad I didn't get any blood on me this time, the dry cleaning bills are just killing me."
VM: Wow, what an amazing set of fights!
S: I'll say. It took them a couple of hours to get all the blood off the mat. I can hardly wait for the FINAL DEATHMATCH tommorrow!
Apparently yesterday was Nacle Bash Men day. Elisabeth says all Mormon men are a bunch of blubbering whiney sissies, and a bunch of guys vainly try to convincer her otherwise. Kristen points out that all men are effectively a bunch of idiots when it comes to getting gifts for the fairer sex, so she gives all them buhdoinks some guidance, since Christmas is just around the corner. And TMILisa vents her frusrations about Joseph's allegedly less-than-entirely-forthright dalliances with other wives, covert or otherwise, what a strong woman Emma must have been to have put up with all that. The best on that thread was when a bunch of men sit around and argue about Smith's alleged dalliances, Not Ophelia steps in and tells them to shut up because they are boring her. Sweet. Had the conversation been among women, would it have been more interesting to her?
I dunno. So, are all men lame, or are these women just suffering with lame men in their lives, so they assume all men are lame? Or is everyone just lame and pointing out anyone else is lame just kinda lame. Buncha lamers. Glad I am a dog.
OK, after the stunning Round 1 battles, it is time for the delimbination...I mean...elimination round. The winners from the first round have been arranged into two matches along the lines of T&S and Everyone Else. The winner of each group will go into the one on one FINAL DEATHMATCH OF TOTAL VAINGLORIOUS GRATUITOUS DESTRUCTION NOT UNLIKE GODZILLA VS. KING GHIDRA, THE ORIGINAL NOT THE REMAKE. Only one person will emerge alive, and therefore victorious, from each match. Who has the courage, strength, cunning, and merciless fighting skills?
But, enough with the promotional nonsense, its time to FIGHT!
P.S. Boyd K. Packer had to excuse himself from the rest of the deathmatches because he is slated to be traveling to tour a couple of missions and attend an Area Conference in Bolivia.
Feminist Mormon Housewives was recently promoted, per LisaB's public wishes, and now runs with the Big Dogs at Mormon Archipelago. But, when the gals there at FMH heard about the "Big" part, they got all uppity and waged war on the MA collective.
They shouted "Who you calling 'Big"? We're not 'big', we're trim and svelte. I mean, come on, curvy maybe, how about 'zaftig', what about voluptuous, or rubenesque, huh? But what is with this 'big'? What are you trying to say!?! And don't even start with the 'sweet spirit' stuff! Does this look like a badonkadonk to you? Uh huh, didn't think so!"
Rumor has it, the MA collective has adjourned to rethink the category titles. Hey, if they can rename 'founders' to 'flotsam' and back again, then they can change "Big Islands" to something less...uh...errr...big.
Far be it for us to question our pards, but Kim has posted 10 Easy Steps to Affixing the Ball and Chain. This was an unusual post for Kim, I mean, eh, he usually starts out with only one word in the title. Like, eh, for normal, he would typically put just "Marriage" or "Steps", but this time, eh, he gets all verbose. Whats up with that, Kim?
Now when I first read this, I thought it was a spoof, like Red Green, ya know? So I laughed, like ha ha, eh? But, the comments from itbugaf (and what the heck is that now, huh?) and the conversation from Kim and Mary show them guys to be serious, what Kim actually did to snag Mary. So I guess its for reals, eh?
But, wait, Mary points out in the comments she already knew it was going to work, so she was a ringer. Hey, that kinda throws things off now, doesnt it now? Uh huh. Alrighty then. Push off then, eh? It only works if the woman you are dating already knows you are going to get married.
Needs some work to get it export ready, OK?
Much to our surprise, the Mormon Archipelago has taken on and listed your own beloved Blawggelnacle Snarker! Shout outs to all our peeps in the Naclespheroidhood. But, alas, it cannot last for long. One misplaced snark and we'll be kicked to the curb faster than a mangey old mutt who rolled in mud.
So, to make this sporting, we are opening up a pool where you buy a day for a dollar and that day represents the day you guess the Snarkernackle (sic) will get the boot from MA. Whoever guess right gets the pool.
Put your date into the comments and e-mail in a dollar. Should be a loonie, but we'll accept greenbacks too.
Sorry, Dec. 13-23 are already taken.
Vince McMahon: Wow, what an action packed night! Great fights, real drama, and a lot of blood! The popcorn was fresh too.
Randy Savage: I tell you what, there would have been a lot more blood if I got into the ring with that rat pack of sissies! Where did they get these girls from? Saint Mary's Catholic Boarding School?
Snarker: Yes, Vince, very impressive, especially that last fight! Always the best for last.
VM: Sure is. Snarker, why don't you summarize the fights for us?
S: Glad to, Vince!
The more polite and engaging version of Adam clearly was beaten down by the more vigorous Defender of the Faith version. It was a close match, but the contention-seasoned Adam held the upper hand.
I thought this was going to be a bloodless match with the way it started, but when Ronan lost his temper over Wilfried's football comment and rushed him for it, it was all over. Wilfried's artful sidestepping of the corner post really was beautiful. I thought Brits were supposed to bleed blue, but apparently not.
First girl fight of the night turned out to be pretty good! There were a lot of punishing shots traded, but once Julie pulled out her "Don't Mess With Texas" clothesline, it was all over for Melissa. The crowd did find her grandstanding over the win to be a little too much though.
This was the first real bloodletting of the night, a real grudge match. A lot of dirty fighting, but ultimately Rusty and GST prevailed when they both illegally jumped into the ring, pantsed DKL in his Third Reich uniform, and then finished him off with a double elbow smash. Double ouch. Arnold's pleas for intervention went unheeded to a referee who clearly wasn't a Nazi sympathizer.
David made a quick recovery from the previous match though, and went toe to toe with Daniel in an ugly and vicious shouting match that left the front two rows covered in frothy spit. But, Daniel's attempt to summon the ghost of Nibley to aid him failed, and David tore into him for it. I have to say David's big move was impressive, I mean nobody saw how he got the Collected Works of Hugh Nibley into the ring, but lofting it over Daniel's head and dropping it was a sight to behold. But, the fight left him drained...
...and when he had to square off against Rosalynde "Black Widow" Welch he didn't have a chance. Rosalynde delivered punishing criticism after stinging rebuke in her inimitably polite fashion. A real bludgeoning if there ever was one. I have never seen a man cry like that. Once his vision was blurred by tears, Rosalynde's patented Spider Bite knee cap smash finished him off and left him a quivering mass on the mat. Harsh, but well deserved. I heard several of the ring side audience members had to go to First Aid for shattered ear drums after the Black Widow's double fist-pumping victory scream.
Another grudge match here, clearly there were simmering hostilities that broke loose once the bell rang. But, JMW's puppets were a real liability as Steve "I AM NOT JENN" Evans proved he wasn't a woman by delivering repeated combinations to the frog puppet's head and body. Everyone knew it was all over when the googly eyes tore off and the stuffing came out all over the ring. What a mess! Steve's putting the stuffing on JMW's head and then shouting "How do you like that for wintertime, HUH!?!" was an impressive move. Rumor has it the eyes were recovered by an audience member who has them up for auction on eBay.
Wilfried again returned to the ring and was victorious over his opponent. The only completely bloodless, and even sweat free, match of the night was still not without controversy. The mild-mannered convesation turned ugly when danithew resorted to less-than-entirely-complimentary innuendo suggesting Wilfried's English was less than ideal, and when Wilfried pointed this slip out, danithew's red-faced hasty and heartfelt apology ended the round with a TKO. Judges ruled afterwards that the innuendo was allowable, but danithew ceded the match on the grounds that he should never have used it, regardless of the rules, as it was in bad taste.
This match was one to behold! All those angry women! You would think the Mormon Mommy Warriors would have been more skilled at fighting given their name, but the Feminist Mormon Housewives clearly were trading well-placed punches for sissy slaps. It was all over when TMILisa emptied a bag of Lindor mint truffles onto the mat from ringside, distracting all the MWWriors as they grabbed for the rolling chocs, giving the FMHers the chance to gain the upper hand with some punishing head shots and kidney punches. The fight was called when all of the children of the MWWriors were screeching and crying for Mommy so loud, nobody could stand it anymore. But, that was nothing compared to the final, and best, fight of the night!
Wow, when Steve EM came into the ring, nobody could believe their eyes. The audience went wild at the way Steve shook his huge beer belly like a sumo. We knew it would be a big, big fight right there. Then Boyd K. Packer came into the ring and crowd went nuts! Boyd slipped out of his robe and warmed up like a pro with some shadow boxing. When the bell rang, it was the fight of the night! Steve rushed Boyd shouting obscenities and death threats while Boyd handily dodged every charge. When Steve was exhausted from the exertion, doubled over, huffing and puffing, Boyd walked over to him and told him he needed to repent. Steve completely lost his mind and, frothing at the mouth, charged him again, only to slip on his own spit on the mat, flip backwards and knock himself stupid. The Angry Mormon then rushed into the ring, bringing a folding chair with him, and tried to hit Boyd with it. He adroitly dodged TAM's swing, and the chair ended up smashing Steve EM's skull open. The referee called the match, TAM was arrested, and Steve was pronounced DOA at the hospital. Wow, what a mess that was.
VM: So there you have it folks! The First Annual Bloggernacle Deathmatch, complete with death and gore. Tune in tomorrow for the Second Deathmatch battle of Elimination!
S: Randy, can I have your autograph?
RS: That's Mr. Savage to you, you emaciated little doggie!
Nate Oman, one of the permafloggers from T&S, welcomes Dialogue to the Nacle via an unattributed T&S post which made it into print at the very end of this quarter's "Notes of Interest". Apparently Dialogue had a blank page to fill on short notice. Oh, wait a minute, now that I have clicked the link to the T&S post I see it was written by...ah..yes...I see. And, hasn't Dialogue been on the Nacle now for some months? Hosted by BCC? And only now they are welcomed by T&S Nate? After they publish his musings on their faults? Hrmmm.
Struggling for relevance, trying to tie up loose ends, Mari/Allison decides to go ahead and open that package destined for her non-existant neighbor. Only it turns out to be a big dream sequence, and, so, the contents of the package are actually something she has been praying about for years. Natch, she doesn't tell us whats in it, since she needs to flog the dead horse a bit longer. That leaves us guessing. I think its a 10lb box of Godiva Chocolates myself. Or, maybe, a big box of Snore-Stop and Breathe Right strips for her faux husband Scott. I know the anticipation is killing me here.
Thx anonymous self-promoting e-mail tipster.
Vince McMahon: Yes, folks, the fight event of the year is here! We are live at Madison Square Garden witnessing the first ever Bloggernacle DeathMatch! Where Mormon Bloggers face off to deal with their virtual opponents in the flesh! To the death! We're here live with the BloggerNacle Snarker and Randy Savage, for color commentary. Randy, any thoughts on the fight card tonight?
Randy "Macho Man" Savage: Hey man, I wouldn't be here if it weren't for the fifty grand. Buncha nerds swingin their arms like old women. What is this!?! Boy, I tell you...I could tear all of these guys limb from limb myself, all at the same time. What a bunch of girlscouts.
VM: Thanks for that, Randy. Snarker, what do you think of tonight's lineup?
Snarker: Hey Vince, thanks for having me, it's a real pleasure to see people tear each other limb from limb. Not that I advocate violence or anything like that. But, since they already hate each other, we may as well go ahead and make the virtual literal.
VM: Good point there, Snarker. Do you think we will see any upsets tonight?
S: No, no, I think the outcomes will be predictable. But, tonight will be a big test of endurance for DKL. He has multiple fights tonight, so if this guy can pull it off, it will be impressive. Very impressive.
VM: No doubt. I am sure there will be a lot of people in the audience thirsting for his blood, it will be interesting to see how the crowd reacts.
S: Yes, certainly, Vince. But, I for one, will jump into the ring and personally attack DKL if he pulls any dirty moves on Rosalynde. DKL has been known to fight dirty and pull banned objects into the ring in the past. But, if he pulls that this time on Rosalynde, I will personally sink my teeth into him.
VM: OK, there is the bell, so let's go to the ring side! But, before we do, we want to put in a good word for our sponsor. This BloggerNacle Deathmatch brought to you by proud sponsor: Deseret Book Stores, where all your gospel merchandising needs are fulfilled, in time for Christmas!
S: Alright, lets see some blood!
VOTE on who lives and who dies in the squared circle!
P.S. Apologies to submitters who had their entries excluded. The SurveyMonkey thing only allows 10 questions on a single page for freebies, so we had to pick what we thought were the best 10.
Who knew? The City of Enoch (a.k.a. Atlantis of Mythology, not the Disney version) used to be where the Gulf of Mexico is. No way! Way!
File that one with the sun literally being the Celestial Kingdom, Cain being Sasquatch, and the Sword of Laban and Liahona being locked up in a vault in SLC.
High Priest afternoon nap time was recently thrown into disarray by John W. Redelfs "teaching perfect doctrine". The "normally pretty passive [i.e., sleeping] group of high priests" were angered by Redelf's loud preaching and vigorous table thumping with clenched fist, which awoke them from an otherwise normal High Priest's Group meeting. Some of those aroused were incensed over having been woke and mumbled their disapproval, only to be lambasted for preaching false doctrine against the Brethren. The napping apostates returned to their slumbers shortly thereafter, and peace once again ensued.
Where everybody knows your name...
Some people would find the close quarters a tad asphyxiating, but some people like being close to family. Real close. All the time. The closer the better. I mean, if your cousin had known you were going to take that abstract algebra class, he could have just held on to it and given it to you. Oh, what, he is a cheapskate who wouldn't have given it to you for free? OK, well, it still would have saved you the trip to the book store. Oh, he would have charged more than the bookstore, since he put all those great additional notes in the margins? OK, well, then it would be worth the extra money. Oh, his handwriting is incomprehensible? Um, well, at least you get to see your cousin! Oh, he is a pompous jerk who won't help you with your homework and won't stop bragging about his High School football exploits and how he was a Zone Leader on his mission? Kinda like a Mormon Cliff Clavin? Oh, well.
Yes, making new friends from complete unrelated strangers is hard, but its worth it! I married a completely unrelated stranger. Most people do! Its a good thing!
Yeah, yeah, I know, its supposed to be "Big Fish in a Little Pond". Come on already, would ya? Well, I can't say "pond" because Tanya is the Big Fish in her little Sea of Ink. Yep, Tanya welcomed the Nacle into her little slice of webified cyberspace on Thursday, letting us all know this proverbial sea is more akin to a rather small puddle, and its not really ink, its electrons, but we all know what you are talking about. At least she isn't a Star Trek fan!
The scientific explanation behind "Translation" is explored here. Phew, that restores my wavering faith! Guess I will have to write out that tithing check for tithing settlement after all.
The couple that runs New Cool Thang has the lock on social graces in the Nacle. Kristen loves, loves, loves Christmas letters (and by "love" she means "hate") from pretentious snobs who trumpet the past year's accomplishments with the annual yuletide letter. She should write up a snippity-snot-snobby letter heralding their success as internationally know Nacle bloggers and renowned advocates of Peach Stealing Monkeys. That will be sure to inspire envy in all recipients. I know it would get me where it counts.
But, alas, Geoff has concluded the family efforts should be focused on search-engine-driven readers of the future, because the power of his written words is so much greater than those he speaks. I think Geoff has a Moses complex. Does he have a brother named Aaron? Anyway, as such is the case, the imminent Johnston family Christmas letter will take the form of a blog article, and all of their current real life analog neighbors, relatives, and acquaintances will be shunned so as to maximize the amount of time they can invest into future Google-powered blog readers.
The clique that runs Bloggernacle Times (i.e., all of the Nalce old-timers) wants you to vote them the coolest and most hip dudes (emphasis on DUDES, since they are all a bunch of guys, how about some ladies, huh?!?) around. So, never fear my good and gentle readers, here is your chance to snub the Nacle Upper Crust with the SnarkerNacle Tragically Unhip Hipster Ironic AntiAwards 2005
1) Highest Quality, and Therefore Most Ignored, blog:
2) Most Interesting, and Therefore Most Likely to Sell Out, Small Blog:
3) Most Sold Out blogger, Least Likely to Wear Black:
4) Least Edgy, and Therefore Most CES Correlated, Commentator:
5) Most Awesome Blog, Therefore Likley to be Corrupted by Fame:
6) Most Incisive Post, Dragged Into the Depths of Despair by Inane Comments:
7) Least Self-Absorbed Egocentric Thing About the Nacle in 2005:
8) The One Thing That Nearly Killed the Nacle for Me in 2005:
9) Indier Than Thou:
10) Painfully Absent, Am Cutting Self Due to Their Absence:
11) Most Likely to Start a Blogcast or Vlog or Splog, Just Cuz its Hip:
12) Add Your Own Passing Moment of Irony or Ennui:
Post your entries. This is where the voting happens. Winner of each category gets the right to revel in their moment of bitter un-indy infamy.
P.S. The Bloggernacle Snarker wants to thank all of people who nominated the Snarkernacle for various kewl things there at BT. Frankly, we are surprised, and a little embarrased. We knew people were coming for a look and having some laffs at other's expense, but we really didn't think people actually liked us. We figured it was one of those rubberneckers driving past a car wreck things, you know you shouldn't look, but you just cannot help it. But, alas, now that we actually have fans who like us, we will tragically succumb to the imminent pressures of maintaining our high standards of quality on break-neck deadlines, and therefore collapse under the weight, crushed into a microscopic pinpoint of a black hole that sucks the entire Nacle in with it. Oh, cool. Hey, so lets have some fun while it lasts.
You know, if you read the right things, you don't have to read all that much, and you can still make it seem like you know what you are talking about, even when you don't.
And, really, you don't even have to read all of it, just kind of skim it, while watching the Monday Night Football game, and then post about what seminal texts they are, leading everyone to believe you have read them.
Now if DMI Dave would just come clean.
OK, things are slow. Time to drum up some fun of our own. How about a Bloggernacle Deathmatch, where you, gentle readers, decide the outcome!
There will be two elimination rounds. The first will be one-on-one combat, the second will be two group cage matches of punishing attrition, with the one winner from each cage match facing off in a final one-on-one no-holds-barred (including MStheP) struggle to the death!
What we need now are the participants, then deathmatches will be set up in elimination rounds. Nominate your paired combatants in X versus Y format! BCC versus M*? Prudence McPrude versus Steve EM? LDSSR Jared versus NDBF Gary? What say you?
I am sad to report we couldn't find anything stupid, inane, egocentric or even all that silly on the Nacle occurring yesterday. I guess the Holidays have quantity down, and people have been more thoughtful and deliberate. Which is nice, but hopefully will not last too long, otherwise I will be out of business. Actually, now that I think about it, being out of business would be a good thing.
So, that leaves me little choice but to bring this bit of fun news to your attention for some laffs, and dredge up something from a few days ago to make fun of, since it is without question one of the most obtuse, rambling and poorly formatted comments ever posted to the Nacle, and makes you wonder about this "Bob" person.
Adam Greenwood, who usually makes enough sense that you can follow his train of logic, has apparently abandoned that rhetorical style and adopted stream-of-conciousness half-baked ideas blogging. Oddly enough, despite the ribbing he takes in the comments, he doesn't even try to explain what he is getting at. I think what he is saying is either the Church is a succesful secret combination which is self-contradictory, or he is sayind secret combinations are inherintly unstable and therefore the Book of Mormon must be wrong about large secret combinations? I dunno. Odd. Anyway, apparently Adam hasn't heard of the Mafia, or of the Bloods, or Crips, or the Asian Gangs or Russian Mafia, or the Columbian Drug cartels. I mean, regardless of the point he is trying to make, these are clearly very effective large secret combinations. Oh, I bet I know what it is. He has a cold and is all wacked out on Robitussin DM.
Steve, the stoned kid who took time off from college to film the nonsense over Michael Moore's visit to UVSC, wants the Nacle to know his DVD is out and about. So much so he even wants the Snarkernacle to promote it with the silly title of "Michael Moore comes to Utah, Mormons try to kill him..." in a private e-mail. Mormons try to kill him? Hmmmm. I must have missed that one. Check out their blog,which pretty much has nothing to do with their film, to see where he and his pals are coming from. Politically neutral? Objective indy film making? Yup. All the way. Most of the garbage on their blog is by someone other than the film maker, but these gems are by the film maker. I don't know about you, but I just lost interest in seeing his film.
Thx to self-promoting e-mail tipster.
Kaimi, seeking to rid himself of DKL's blood, publicly washed his hands of any potential stain.
Aaron Brown's recent public admission to being politically conservative has resulted in a behind-the-scenes permablogger swap between BCC and M*. With Elisabeth jumping ship for BCC, M* will pick up Aaron Brown in back room finagling rumored to include several gigabytes of web server storage, a jello salad, and an autographed copy of a first edition Mormon Doctrine.
Oh boy, there is nothing a bunch of bratty jerks like less than being told to stop acting like such bratty jerks. Jim F over at T&S laments the fact that the Nacle is populated largely by a bunch of 20-30ish arrogant, opinionated loud mouths. Hey, what a suprise, a public forum for sounding off attracts people who like to publicly sound off and drives out polite wall flowers who are easily offended.
OK, JimF, what else? Clean up after ourselves. Check. Always wear clean underwear. Check. Brush teeth after every meal, and floss every day. Check. Keep your shoes tied. Check. Be nice to each other. Got it. Thanks, Mom.
A recent post revealed that The Baron views and advocated the viewing of Rated R movies, and as such, the M* editorial staff took swift and decisive action against him, and threw him off M*.
Rumor has it this is the real reason Elisabeth left for BCC, because she almost accidentally went into the wrong threatre at a multiplex and it was showing a NC-17 film.
So lets talk about something we aren't supposed to talk about and then make up words so we can talk about it without actually saying what we aren't supposed to say. "duckspeaking"? "doublepluspiritful"? Kewl. Quack quack.
Unfortunately, the made up words have nothing to do with what it is you aren't supposed to talk about, and it is made explicitly clear what you are not supposed to reveal, and so what is the point? To see who can make up the wierdest new euphemism for something that doesn't require a euphemism?
Instead, Ronan throws out an obscure reference to some Brit humor, which then has to be explicitly explained and one guy backs up the dump truck of bad experiences and unloads, only to be severly edited. Nice. Where's the cool new euphemisms? Where's the uplifting content? Oh, great, Ben Spackman once again posted another link to his Temple web page.
Elisabeth, who used to be a M* permablogger, has apparently defected and gone over to the Dark Side. Do we have to start calling her Darth Beth? The defection was probably a result of her living in that way too liberal state of Massachusetts and having been seduced by the power of the Emperor at his Nacle Soiree.
Holy cow, like, no way, my name it totally Lisa too, all the way! Wanna hang? Whats yer digits? Aw kewl!
Apparently everyone at FMH is named Lisa, even the Lisa's husbands are named Lisa too (except the lower Demigoddesses of Olde which only have a middle name of Lisa), and that is proving rather confusing, given all of the attention given to them over the SL Trib article spawned by the Bannergate fauxsters, one of whom is also named Lisa. And all the noobs reading FMH are confused since they don't realize that "TMILisa" (ooops, I means "FMHLisa) is different from "LisaB" is different from "Lisa Kwan Yee". Dang noobs.
You see girls, popularity and fame has its consequences. Soon, you'll be mobbed for autographs, but fortunately, since you're all named "Lisa" is will be really easy to mass produce autographed face shots to hand out to your fans.
Bloggernacle "Lisa" Snarker
DNA evidence surreptitiously collected at a Blogglesnackler hosted by former Nacle bighot Steve Evans proved unequivocally that David King Landrith (aka DKL, Arturo Toscanini, Dastardly Dave, Miranda Park-Jones, DKL's wife, Arnold Layne, Troll Extraordianire, Charles Manson, Benito Musollini, Benedict Arnold, abu-Musab al-Zarquawi, etc.). A DNA expert from Genomics says "The man is without question either Adolf Hitler in the flesh, or an unreasonable facsimile thereof, perhaps a clone of Dolly the Sheep, whom we all know is a the love-clone-child of Elvis and Claude Vorilhon, and is in fact only 0.2% sheep DNA and 99.8% Hitler, or in other words, junk DNA."
gst552 promptly apologized to Adolf Hitler's sheep clone offspring for insinuating they were not in fact related to DKL. Rusty at 9M then committed virtual sepuku over the shame of guest hosting gst552 and exposing such a virtuous sheep-clone to the ridicule that is so undeserving someone who's behavior on the Nacle has been exemplary and without spot.
Meanwhile, Dastardly Dave* revels in the attention and feigned offense, casting personally produced feces on others.
*for those not in the know, Dastardly Dave is a 6th level chaotic-evil Antipaladin with an 18 Charisma, who uses his high charisma, and skills at masking IP addresses, to cast the ignominy he deserves on others who are undeserving. DKL secretly believes he is the smartest person in the Nacle and is genuiely irritated he is not the center of the Universe. He has sworn a blood oath to destroy the Nacle and re-create it in his own image.