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Conner Boyack, the Bloggernacle's Most Eligible Bachelor, did some online cross dressing to prove to all the eligible bachelorettes he is a sensitive guy who would gladly defend them from all the freaks and perverts who accost them online. Now all he has to do is convince them he is not one of them. I know I am convinced. What sane single woman could possibly restrain herself from such a fine specimen of manhood?

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We take pleasure in answering thus prominently the communication below, expressing at the same time our great gratification that its faithful author is numbered among the friends of The SnarkerNacle:


Dear Editor—

I am 58 years old. I and some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, “If you see it in The SnarkerNacle, it’s so.” Please tell me the truth, there is no Santa Claus, is there?

Marjorie Conder

Marjorie, you and your little friends are wrong. You all have been affected by the cynicism of a cynical age. Yes, Marjorie, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as Coca-Cola and Currier & Ives and The Saturday Evening Post exist, and you obviously know they exist since you consume their products regularly. Alas! How dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus! It would be as dreary as if there were no Marjories. There would be no candy canes then, no reindeer, no stockings or presents to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, unless you consider austerity and ascetism pleasurable. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished by the dull boredom of rational adulthood.

Not believe in Saint Nicholas! You might as well not believe in the Bloggernacle. You tear apart the baby’s rattle and see what makes the noise inside, and in doing so take delight in being so pragmatic. But, trying to tear things apart to make everything "real" is counterproductive, and only leaves you with something broken in your hands, something a child will not enjoy. You see, children are not adults. If you seek to do away with things that are not real, then you must dispose of poetry, love, romance, and anything with even the slightest bit of subjectivity in it that even hints of supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Marjorie, in all this world what is real and abiding?

No Santa Claus! He lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Marjorie, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood. You know why? Because kids are kids, and if adults are smart they will teach kids the difference between Jesus and the tradition of Santa Claus. Vainly trying to do away with Santa will not make Jesus any more real to children.

Apologies to Francis P. Church.

Update: Marjorie is apparently irritated she got snarked, and responds on T&S with a semi-coherent rant about Santa being a secular materialist anti-christ, or something.

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In the theory Bloggernacles have people which write. Then bloggernaclers talk of things they know not, but believe is true, because revelation is entitled upon those whom it falls upon with its own will. But do they really exist? What evidence exists to make us suppose they are not or really are not just hypothetically really real? People who seem real are not who they really are at all, because it is all just an image, a false perception, conjured more in the reader's mind of what the writer is like, moreso than the writer is actually writing. The reader is reading things in the writer never intended, so while the writer must necessarily be real, it is the reader that is in fact unreal, because their perception is so innacurate, because what the reader thinks the writer is writing just cannot really be the case. A bit like leprechauns and Santa Claus really.

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Alternate title:Blogger of Jared Eats its Own Young

When BOJ signed on Rob Osborne, of Steadying the Ark of Salvation infamy, you knew it was only a matter of time before he posted something just a bit off the beaten track. Who knew that his first time up to bat he would hit it right out of the park!?!? Naturally, all of the other BOJ guys immediately dogpile him in the comments.

Read through for some laffs, like J.Stapley phonetically misspelling cuckoo and being corrected, or even more wacky is Connor Boyack (a.k.a. Captain Crazy Conspiratorialista) questioning Rob's seriousness. Doesn't look like Rob will last long there. Anyone want to make bets? Will he last longer there than Butler did at M0?



UPDATE:Rob was canned faster than fast. Apparently because his "plausible theory" was "too radical". Yup. UFOs spiriting away the Lost 10 Tribes to the hollow earth core via the hole in the North Pole, which emits radiation, thereby causing aurora borealis. Nothing eybrow raising there. Frankly, I am surprised Rob didn't mention an Elvis-impersonating Sasquatch had been piloting the UFOs, and Bat Boy was his co-pilot.

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BCC continues to add to its ranks, while T&S shamelessly stocks up on unabashed poaches. Come on Kaimi, how many times can you accuse Steve of being Voldemort before it becomes painfully obvious to the entire Bloggernacle you are insanely jealous of him and BCC's obvious success?

After announcing he can smell the lingering sulfurous stench of Steve in the Bloggernacle, Kaimi welcomes Ardis into the fold, accompanied by Julie M. Smith, T&S' only other active female permabore, and co-poacher.

Sure, sure, Toadies and Sycophants recently added Ms. Ardis Parshall to their ranks (Kaimi sez, "Ha ha, BCC and DKL, we scooped her!"). But the backlog of old research on historical women will dry up soon enough, leaving T&S to languish in recycled "From The Archives" posts mixed with the typical boring uninspired blather.

But, to be fair, we are forced to point out T&S hasn't just added 25% more poaches. They also have 25% more deleted critical comments, which means they have 25% more fawning and brown-nosing. Nice work, Chavez.

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Any guesses what this free stuff is going to be? How about some Christmas tunes? Or a blanket from Spongy Feet? Or some thermal underwear for your baby? The marketing gurus at TftC are going to use the Bloggernacle to advertise their wares. Someone has been doing some reading. Direct Marketing to Mormons for the net cost of shipping some of the product samples you have laying around. Smart, girls. Keep up the good work.


UPDATE: Awwww, yeah, baybeeeee! sNarcissist hits the nail on the head.

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Janet thinks when she is exalted to the status of godesshood she can do whatever she likes, which is somewhat at odds with Joseph Smith's teachings on the matter. But, never mind him, he is a man. Emma clearly would have espoused Janet's view, had she been given an equal voice in the matter.

Sounds like Janet attended Burning Man, and she liked it!

You go girl! When you have all the power, you will abuse it as you see fit, indulge in all those carnal worldly things you weren't supposed to do in mortality, and flout your offensiveness in people's faces while laughing them to scorn. ROCK ON, SISTER!

If this isnt Narcissus' long lost twin sister, I don't know who is. I don't know about you, but I joined the Mormon Church so that when I am exalted I can have my own planet to do whatever I want on. So planet Narcissus will be Metallica Tabernacle Choir, green jello with shredded peyote salad and the full-time missionaries SHALL flirt to convert...in the nude.

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Everyone knows the old saying "Misery loves Company". Well, fMhLisa is in a lot of pain, and she wants everyone else to suffer along with her. Using the standard formula of vitriloic politics and vulgar sex talk, she draws considerable numbers to herself to partake in and witness the collective suffering and humilation of menarche. Oh, sweet schadenfreude, deliver me from my woe!

First politics, then sex, what is left? Ah, yes, religion. Lisa's next vile, agony driven post will no doubt release her bilious religious anger over something or other. Pay attention blogernacle newbies and watch to see how this master of attention-getting draws in the next set of commiserating sympathizers.

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Bring out your dead!

Here you go!

But I'm not dead!

Maybe he's just mostly dead?

Mostly dead?

Yeah. Mostly dead means slightly alive.

Woo hoo! Charge up the paddles!!


Paddles?!?

ZOLT


Good luck, boys and girls. Have fun storming the castle.

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Guest Post: Stephen Hawking, Master of Space and Time

Today's lecture will be on the absolute proof of the existence of Black Holes. Gone are the hypothetical rationalizations of quantum mechanics, because General Relativity is vindicated. Behold, the Millennial Star hath collapsed in upon itself before your very eyes, and is now a black hole collapsing upon itself until it forms a singularity. You see, I was right all this time. Ha ha.

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One word: Eeeeewwwwwww.

Mind vomit is right.

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There is nothing more narcissistic than pretentiously arguing over semantics.

I am an intellectual, and let me tell you what is wrong with intellectuals. No, no, let a scholar tell you what is wrong with intellectuals. Scholars are the ones who really do Science, hard science, with facts, you know, not these pompous stuffed shirts who arrogantly speculate on the so-called social sciences without any hard empirical facts to back them up. Like hard empiricist Linus Pauling with his orthomolocular medicine and vitamin C, and Stephen Hawking and his quantum physics, now there are some real scholars who are not speculating intellectuals. Yup.

Is this just more petty bloggernacle infighting? Sure, drag the old hard sciences versus soft sciences nag out for another trot round the bend just to stir up some silly debate over nothing substantial. Oh, and what a surprise, just so happens the BCC and M* chemist (wannabe historian) and physisist (wannabe philosopher) guys line up against the T&S lawyers and economists.

Or, is it a bunch of guys wanting to point to themselves and say "I am smart, look at me"?

Let us decide once and for all who is the smartest by Rock, Paper, Scissor!

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Poor Janet.

Her kitchen has been infested by itty bitty mice who have made confetti out of her linens and spreading feces on her china. I'm not sure, but I believe this might qualify as the smallest entry (by weight) in the never ending FMH Poop Chronicles.

Janet has tried to be humane in her attempt to rid her kitchen of her furry four footed guests. Her humanity and compassion are to be praised, but thus far have been ineffective. Her husband (of Porter Rockwell lineage) has taken increasingly drastic measures including "evil snap traps". Janet has even gone so far as to purchase Dcom in an effort to melt the little critters' nervous system.

Well, if I may be so bold, I'd like to add my suggestions to her list of rodent countermeasures to try. I have but two:

The M-84 Stun Grenade


Guaranteed to disable and disorient anything or anyone in the room. Also effective on annoying neighbors and packs of roving stray dogs. Comes in packages of three. Make sure to turn the gas off before throwing the device into the kitchen. Marketed as a non-lethal device, something sure to appeal to Janet's "marshmallow waffley liberal commie pinko" sensibilities.

The Desert Eagle 50


Sure to appeal to the Porter Rockwell half of the household. The downside is, identifying the remains of the little beasties might be difficult as the .50 cal round is almost bigger than the beastie itself. Another downside to this option is the possible separated shoulder resulting from the recoil.

Good luck defending your castle, Janet. These beasts are ferocious! And they have really sharp teeth!

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On Halloween, the Bloggernacle was visited by zombies!!! EEEEEWWW! Yes, it is true. The Banner of Heaven is back from the grave!. They're coming to get you, Barbara!

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Wrapping up the Butler Trifecta: Mark Butler takes himself seriously and thinks there are others who do too. We just don't believe that.

Well, do you (click for survey)?

UPDATE:errrrm...ah...yeah...well, owing to the situation we decided it would be in bad taste to go ahead with the result of the survey. The results were totally predictable anyway, so thanks everyone.