SnarkerNacle

A last minute "write in" Niblet

2010-01-27T13:36:00.001-07:00

No, it’s not for the Snarkernacle. For some inexplicable reason this hallowed site was not counted among those worthy of a Niblet nomination, and unlike some other “big” blogs, we wouldn’t condescend to the level of begging for votes.

It is in that spirit that I humbly supplicate unto this year’s Niblet Keepers to add one more write in category for which there can only be one winner. In the category of “Hot Molten Crazy Commenter”, I hereby nominate Jason LeRoy Wharton, BCC’s most thoughtless provoking commenter of January 25-27, 2010.

In the space of 138 comments, most of them made by himself, he goes from pointing out an alleged “significant flaw” in Mark Brown’s reasoning to the heretofore unused bloggernacle curse of removing the dust from his virtual feet upon the BCC perma-luminaries.

I, for one, am shocked. Shocked I tell you! In all my years of ‘naccle trolling I never thought to dust off my feet upon another blog. I’m not even sure this ordinance can be effected virtually. I’m pretty sure the best one could do would be to blow the dust off one’s keyboard.

So, Brother Wharton, congratulate yourself. Your singleness of hubris has put you in a very rare category of commenters which cause eyes to roll across the ‘naccle spectrum. Hot molten crazy is your category, and you’ve earned it.

And, were this a politically themed blog, I’d mock your singular contribution to the blogosphere. But it’s not, so I reserve my mocking to your BCC thread.

Festivus! Evans Calls a Spade; Rusty "disappointed"

2009-12-14T12:24:00.004-07:00

Steve Evans wades into the powder keg, lobs a molotov cocktail, gets raked over the coals, then issues an apology:

Lisa, never mind! I apologize for any insult my question could have conveyed. I meant to question the propriety and usefulness of the exercise you’re engaging in here — I see that this sort of inquiry is not the point, and so I will bow out.

All, sorry to disappoint you with my relentlessly insulting comments that are always completely devoid of any meaningful contribution.

And then, *poof* He vanishes! Along with all his comments!

I always knew Steve Evans had magical powers! He truly is the Admin God of the Bloggernacle!

Rusty picks up the baton, questions the futility of this week's kvetch-a-thon, and ups the ante saying he's "disappointed" in fmhLisa.

Steve and Rusty are clearly oblivious to the annual Festivus tradition of the "airing of grievances".

Get some religious sensitivity, you two.

Riding on Buses with Weirdos

2009-11-23T08:21:00.002-07:00

fmhMels is worried about her daughter riding in cars with boys, and prefers she ride the bus.

Yes, there's nothing safer than quality, affordable, clean public transportation and the respectable citizens of Salt Lake who utilize UTA!

Then again I was once a teenage boy. She's probably safer on the bus.

A [Rejected] Mormon Image: Phoenix Temple City Council Hearing

2009-11-13T07:33:00.002-07:00

Submitted by: Guest

Background here, and a comical attempt at solo Internet journalism here (note: it helps if you can actually get in the room to cover the story).

Caption: Mrs. N.I.M.B.Y. of Phoenix, discussing her concerns of increased traffic in the neighborhood.

SN Commentary: Mrs. N.I.M.B.Y., you have nothing to worry about. Most temple patrons are very courteous and cautious drivers. You just have to watch out, oh, about 10 minutes before the last session of the day begins. And, when that last session ends and everyone's trying to make it to Dairy Queen before they close.

Caption: These hats are available for purchase on his Etsy shop.

A [Rejected] Mormon Image: Rain on Wedding Day

2009-11-09T09:04:00.002-07:00

As part of our ongoing series...

Submitted by: Guest

Day of our sealing. Outdoor reception planned. My DH's ex-gf had been fasting for "moisture". That wench.

A [Rejected] Mormon Image: BYU Spirit Squad!

2009-11-06T09:27:00.005-07:00

As part of our ongoing series...

Submitted by: Guest

Me at the half-time performance during the BYU men's basketball game. The timing was great, I ran home after to breastfeed my baby.

A [Rejected] Mormon Image: Relief Society Meals

2009-11-05T08:20:00.000-07:00

As part of our ongoing series...

I wasn't feeling well, so the Relief Society brought me dinner.

It's called "God Be With You 'Till We Meat Again". It contains ground Beef, topped with 2 pepperoni logs, stuffed with Cheez Whiz, topped with a layer of bacon, topped with a layer of molten mozzarella cheese slices, topped with more bacon, topped with meatballs and served with brown gravy.

Later that night I checked into the E.R.

A [Rejected] Mormon Image: We'll be late to the reception

2009-11-04T11:18:00.001-07:00

As part of our ongoing series...

Forget the wedding luncheon. The reception isn't until 7pm tonight, so we're off to the hotel "to take a nap".

A [Rejected] Mormon Image

2009-11-03T22:21:00.001-07:00

Last month, Times and Seasons got desperate for content and started a new series called A Mormon Image. One or two readers have sent in images from their lives, and it’s led to some very good discussions, the latest racking up a grand total of 6 comments, one of which was some desperate guy looking to hook up with the subject of the photo.

Now FMH is on the Kaimi bandwagon and letting readers come up with the content so the permas don't have to.

Some bonehead suggested bringing the series to SN as well, and I think that’s a heckuvan idea. SN has a vast community of lazy participants, and the series offers a chance for members of the community to highlight pictures that show their cynical side and frustration with Bloggernacle aristocracy. So we’d like to launch a third-cousin-by-marriage series, A [Rejected] Mormon Image.

We hope that this series will allow us to showcase images that illustrate humor and sarcasm in the life of the Mormon suffering through the Bloggernacle.

All images should be sent to SnarkTeam (at) gmail (dot) com .

Rules: Who gives a rat's.

We're gals, right guys?!

2009-11-03T07:58:00.003-07:00

Striking out at Beth Palmer of the Deseret News (the "biased 'news' source") mfranti says, Nuh uh! Man, I feel like a woman! She's not into all that bra burning, man-do's or all sex is rape stuff. Feminists don't want to be men! Then she asks her sistahs to back her up:

I could say much on this subject but I think you guys could do a better job.

We gotchya Mels. ;) Loud and clear.

Just some facts, ma’am

2009-10-30T08:45:00.011-06:00

Strolling through the nacle this morning, where I have been told I am an unwelcome troll, I passed by fmhLisa’s latest post which calls for a “fourth wave” of feminism. I won’t try to dissect her commentary save for one little rant at the tail end of her post.

Declareth fmhLisa:

We’re not asking for no stinking hand out, we are demanding that we be fairly compensated for our very real, very valuable labor. I’ll say it again, motherhood is the number one risk factor for poverty in America. That is our reward. A woman can invest a lifetime of labor in raising her five children, all of whom grow up to work, paying into the social security system, and exactly how much of that investment of labor is she then entitled to withdraw from that system, the very system her labor directly supported? The answer is zero. If she didn’t have a “real job” if she didn’t “pay into the system” well then, apparently all that labor of raising children, that was totally without value. All those children (raised with to be responsible citizens) paying into the system, measurably worthless. (Emphasis Added)

We will assume that fmhLisa's hypothetical mother of five children is (or was) married at some point in time. This assumption is based on the fact that if he knocked her up five times, she had better have been married to him or retirement is probably the last of her worries. But I digress.

The Snarkernacle Research Department found, with one or two clicks of a mouse, information contrary to fmhLisa's claim:

Social Security survivors benefits can be paid to:

A widow or widower -- full benefits at full retirement age, or reduced benefits as early as age 60
A disabled widow or widower -- as early as age 50
A widow or widower at any age if he or she takes care of the deceased's child who is under age 16 or disabled, and receiving Social Security benefits
Unmarried children under 18, or up to age 19 if they are attending high school full time. Under certain circumstances, benefits can be paid to stepchildren, grandchildren, or adopted children.
Children at any age who were disabled before age 22 and remain disabled.
Dependent parents age 62 or older
If you are divorced, you may still qualify for survivors benefits.

And this is all a valid conversation, because as we know, our politicians have been wise stewards of our money. Social Security will still exist by the time fmhLisa's generation retires! There is a sacred “trust fund” in Washington, DC. There is a “lock box” where 15% of every paycheck is saved. Our politicians certainly haven't spent our hard earned money in a fashion that would embarrass drunken sailors!

Simply put, a blindfolded, intoxicated monkey throwing darts at a stock chart could give our divorced/widowed/separated mother of 5 a better rate of return. Again, I digress.

So, o wise fmhLisa, if you're going to slam the "system", the least you can do is research your slams first. Just sayin'.

A Mormon Image: Reading T&S

2009-10-19T09:11:00.003-06:00

This is my first entry for T&S' A Mormon Image series.

Caption: "I suggested my bishop read Times and Seasons."

fmhLisa v. Elder "Oakes": You Silly!

2009-10-15T17:59:00.012-06:00

Shock of shockers, fmhLisa disagrees with Elder Oakes [sic]!

... While I think the analogy was unfortunate and inappropriate, especially considering that the church in the 60s was actively participating in discrimination. [sic] I do have sympathy for the point Oakes [sic] was trying to make ... Still his choice of defending civil freedoms also somewhat [sic] ironic ... almost always a mistake to compare oneself (or one’s opponent) to ... any iconic injustice. Will almost always backfire, make you look silly ...

She's write! [sic] Analogies are ridiculous little things, and someone with an extensive legal background, such as Elder Oakes [sic] certainly wouldn't understand the nuance of an analogy. It's not like a former judge would have experience taking similar facts of a previous case and making analogous application of the rule established in the previous case to the case at hand!

We at Snarkernacle found ourselves in a quandary. Who is write [sic]? Elder Oakes [sic]? Or fmhLisa? We convened an emergency conference kall [sic], retired to our respective chambers, and subsequently made a unanimous ruling.

Dallin H. Oaks	fmhLisa
LEGAL EXPERIENCE
Clerked for Chief Justice Earl Warren of the United States Supreme Court Practiced at the law firm of Kirkland & Ellis in Chicago Former justice of the Utah Supreme Court	Is friends with Kaimi and Steve Evans on Facebook
ACADEMIC EXPERIENCE
Professor at the University of Chicago Law School, serving as interim dean President of Brigham Young University	Can find Provo on a map of Utah
EXECUTIVE EXPERIENCE
Chairman of the Board of Directors of PBS (we won't hold that against him)	Chairwoman of a "big blog"
PUBLICATIONS
Numerous peer-reviewed publications on scholarly and legal matters	Frequent rambling blog posts
Speaks and writes in depth about topics directly relating to immortality and eternal life of men (and women)	Writes about poop
RELIGIOUS SPEAKING EXPERIENCE
Speaks regularly in General Conference	Speaks at Sunstone
MISC.
Has no hair	Has pretty auburn hair

The winner is pretty clear, no? Applying common law to our circumstance, we reviewed prior SnarkLaw cases. In 2007 Snarkernacle endorsed Mitt Romney's candidacy for the GOP nomination because he had the best hair of any candidate--Democrat or Republican. We therefore are bound by--and uphold--our Hair Endorsement Policy of 2007. We rule in favor of the plaintiff, fmhLisa of Feminist Mormon Housewives.

LDSElect.org: An Epistle to DKL

2009-10-09T11:01:00.004-06:00

1 Behold, I direct mine epistle to DKL, in the blog of Mormon Mentality, who is the chief admin over the blog.

2 For behold, I have somewhat to say unto him by the way of condemnation; for behold, he hath been appointed to resurrect LDSElect.org, and supply it with servers, and with PHP code, and all manner of bandwidth of every kind, and send forth competition against the Archipelago.

3 And now behold, I say unto you that myself, and also my kindred snarkers, have suffered exceedingly great sufferings; yea, even boredom, banishment, and fatigue of mind.

4 And now behold, we desire to know the cause of this exceedingly great neglect; yea, we desire to know the cause of your "403 - Forbidden" state.

5 Is it that ye have neglected us because ye are employed and ye are surrounded by family, that ye do not cause aggregation to be displayed unto us?

6 Will ye sit in idleness and do nothing to help those thousands round about who do also sit in Bloggernacle idleness?

7 Behold it is time, yea, the time is now at hand, that except ye do bestir yourself and reboot LDSElect, the wrath of Snarkernacle doth hang over you; yea, and it shall fall upon you and visit you even to your utter humiliation.

8 Behold, I wait for aggregation feeds from you; and, except ye do administer unto my relief (or provide me with source code), behold, I come unto you, even in the blog of Mormon Mentality, and smite you with the snark.

9 Behold, I am Dazzle of Snarkernacle. I seek not for power, but to pull it down. I seek not for the honor of the Bloggernacle (for their is no such thing) but the glory of satire, and the snarking and mocking of the masses. And thus I close mine epistle.

2012? You fools!

2009-10-07T11:52:00.005-06:00

Great Scott!

Everyone knows the world won't end until AT LEAST after October 21, 2015. I've known this since 1989, when I saw "Back to the Future II".

Relax, people. There's still plenty of time to repent.

Sarcasm? Not 'round these parts.

2009-09-30T13:15:00.003-06:00

Sorry, Jules, I really don't get sarcasm.

Wherein birth is likened unto a bowel movement

2009-09-19T20:22:00.004-06:00

Last month fmhLisa's sex toy comment caused me to scrub my eyes with bleach. She seems to have another case of TMI-tis. (FWIW I didn't get past the first sentence)

Remy: I’m not ex’d – yet!

2009-09-09T08:51:00.004-06:00

I usually try to steer clear of any particular story of conversion to the gospel. Everyone has their own personal story – some make for better reading then others, but to each his/her own. Likewise I’m usually hesitant to comment on anyone’s “de-conversion” or “de-activation”. Some call it a “crisis of faith” or “coming to grips with why women aren’t allowed to say a closing prayer in sacrament meeting”.

Simply put, there are other ‘nacle posts worth reading.

Of course, then there’s John Remy. I’m sure he’s got an interesting story as to what led to him getting a letter from his Stake President inviting him to come down to the Stake Center for a conversation with the Pres and the High Council. Something having to do with having “been in apostasy”.

Bummer, dude. That’s a pretty high bar to clear these days.

Some people quietly fade into apostasy, but not John Remy. He’s posted his top five reasons why he won’t just leave the scene – not without getting every last ounce of internet spotlight he can. Reading this chronicle is almost like listening to the guy plead his case to the undertaker in Monty Python’s Search for the Holy Grail. I’m willing to hazard a guess that John won’t be stone cold ex’d by Thursday.

This leaves me with just one question for Brother Remy, and I found an excellent medium of communication for it.

And again, for the record, we here at the Snarkernacle like girls with big…blogs.

BCC Permas: What have you done with the real Steve Evans?

2009-09-02T13:49:00.005-06:00

What do you mean the Bloggernacle Won't Save Me?! And what exactly do you mean by "the Bloggernacle can be deceptive"?

Are you telling me that I should have been going to church, reading my scriptures, and paying tithing this WHOLE time?

And those people living in my house... uh, I forget her name, that woman... she has those kids who resemble me... you mean... I should spend time with them? But what about getting published in Dialogue?

Look, I read that article in the Ensign and MMORPG's aren't anything like the Bloggernacle! So the Bloggernacle has been practically endorsed by the brethren. I mean, Elder Ballard is totally into blogging!

P.S. But I TOTALLY agree about how cool it is to get a response from a perma! It's like a total thrill going up my leg! Once, a perma actually asked me for my email address! Swoon!

The Beholder's Eye

2009-09-02T09:28:00.003-06:00

The Segullah Sisters are having a heated conversation over the legitimacy of "enhancement" surgery.

The real debate on this post is in the comments where I had to bite my tongue to keep from adding the comments that crossed my red blooded American mind. After talking it over with Rev. Dazzle, we've concluded that we'll add this one comment to the mix:

Here at the Snarkernacle, we like girls with big...blogs.

Up Next: Tweets from Wilfried?

2009-08-28T11:35:00.004-06:00

Suddenly, being on Facebook doesn't seem as hip as it used to.

Our advice to the FMH Guest Poster

2009-08-06T18:44:00.001-06:00

Some people might say, "Sing a hymn!" (just steer clear of "As Sisters in Zion" and "We Meet Again As Sisters")

Whenever tempted, just remember:

Socialized Medicine’s solution to Bored In Vernal’s Boob Conundrum

2009-08-04T11:44:00.009-06:00

We Snarkers are always on the lookout for ways to help our fellow Bloggernaclites solve their dilemmas. Sometimes we can help. Oft times we can’t. When we came across Bored In Vernal’s Boob Conundrum, being the red-blooded American males that we are, we just had to try.

Thus it is with great pride that we introduce a solution for BIV’s “saggy sack” dilemma. We tried getting Billy Mays to pitch this product for us, but it turns out he’s no longer commercially available. Thus we introduce the Select Comfort Boob Number device. No need to go through painful cosmetic surgery!

Pick your size and firmness level – adjust at your leisure. Go from baseball filled knee high socks to porn-star ready in ten seconds or less. Too soft? Use the wireless remote for trouble free inflation. Rock hard? Use the easily accessible yet unobtrusive relief valve.

Of course, there is the problem of couples who have different “comfort” levels.

We hope you’ll both come to a mutually agreeable “boob” number.

And remember, we’re here to help.

Snarking the Scriptures, JNS Style

2009-07-31T08:23:00.002-06:00

People, it's a joke!

It's okay if you didn't get the humor. There's still hope for you! As JNS 'splains: it's because of your education (or lack thereof).

Just get yourself a PhD or two, and then you'll realize my boy JNS knows his funny!

A potential lawsuit in every testimony

2009-07-27T12:49:00.006-06:00

There's nothing like an inspirational story of faith to... conjure up the possibility of a lawsuit!

If only we had some lawyers in the Bloggernacle...

CTRL-ALT-DELETE

2009-07-01T11:45:00.001-06:00

Standby for a reboot, folks. SN is ready for a comeback!

Titanic & Sussex:Rats Deserting, or Business as Usual?

2008-05-15T09:29:00.007-06:00

Ardis recently bailed and started her own blog, and now Kaimi is posting at the other two "Big Blogs" while not posting at the SS Skidmark. Ardis has gone to emeritus status, but Kaimi has not.

The last time there was a big blowout at T&S it was over Adam flipping out. KHH and Melissa quit and Adam was suspended for a year.

Did the same thing happen again between Ardis and Kaimi? If so, is this a bit of brown-nosing to ingratiate himself? Or are Kaimi and Ardis just a couple of fabulously ungracious ex-hosts who have had their admin powers revoked so they can no longer delete obnoxious comments? Whatever happened, Kaimi does not want to talk about it in public.

Can T&S stay afloat as the Dave and Julie show? Or, will it join MSplat in the Stygian depths of the Bloggernacle netherworld of former bigness?

Keepamovinanin

2008-05-08T05:54:00.002-06:00

Ardis Parshall, super-duper hardcore MoHistory megabuff adds to the Bloggernacle's long list history of totally mis-appropriated blog names derived from Old Historical Mormon Periodicals:

All participants in the original Keepapitchinin were masked behind pseudonyms; I will take credit or blame for what appears here under my own name. Unlike the original, which made its points through satire, adolescent jokes, and cartoons, this incarnation of the Keepapitchinin will make its points with plain old narrative, chiefly in a historical vein.

So, in other words, your blog will be nothing like its namesake. Awesome! Join the ranks of Times & Seasons, Mormon Wasp, Millennial Star, Messenger & Advocate, Juvenile Instructor, and The Exponent. Now, some might have foolishly thought a history buff would have been more true to the original source and inspiration, but, hey, with a strong Bloggernacle historical tradition like this to build on, you are only following suit. And landing yourself all the way up at the top on MoArch as an Isle of the Sea, leap-frogging all those other small-timers. Congratulations, Ardis. Your MorMen and T&S stepping stones have served you well and made you a big-timer in the Bloggernacle. Which will no doubt launch you into... um... well... err... bigger... uhnn... yeah.

Note to self:be too busy to respond, but not too busy to criticize

2008-05-08T05:27:00.007-06:00

Julie M. Smith is smarter than you, smarter than everyone in fact, especially those ignorant Mormons who keep making absurd movie recommendations to her on topics she clearly knows more about than anyone else, so much more she is entitled to review movies she has never seen and hold her nose in disdain at them. Why see a movie that is fundamentally flawed in its perceived conception? Especially when she is just too busy, so busy, so very busy (but not too busy to read all the comments, just too busy to respond to them substantively, but not too busy to insult the comment makers, but clearly too busy to watch this movie, but not too busy to post a review about the movie in question). Call it a hunch, but I bet Julie spent more time on this blog post than the running length of the movie.

Ballard Strikes Again

2008-04-15T18:17:00.003-06:00

The last time Elder Ballard endorsed blogging, the 'Nacle was all a-twitter that a member of the 12 had taken note of its existence.

That notion was largely disabused here.

However, the more I read Elder Ballard's remarks, the more I'm convinced he is aware of the Nacle. Yes, 'Nacle, Elder Ballard knows about you!

Think about it:

Elder Ballard, speaking to young, newly-minted BYU-I grads:

... Elder Ballard suggested that graduates join in conversations on the Internet to share the gospel and to explain the message of the Restoration in simple, clear terms.

Elder Ballard, speaking to mothers with young children:

... don’t allow yourself to be caught up in the time-wasting, mind-numbing things like television soap operas or surfing the Internet.

Prediction: Elder Ballard's October 2008 conference talk will be titled, "Lawyers Who Know."

Discuss.

‘Nacle Numbers 2007, Part 4

2008-04-08T05:08:00.005-06:00

Following up Zelph's statistical exercise in self-flagellation is the final installment of "Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics" or "Who Wasted the Most Time on the Bloggernacle?"

Which SAHM Neglected Their Children the Most?
1. Heather O., MMW: 190
2. fMhLisa, FMH: 106
3. The Wiz, MMW: 101
4. Deborah, ExII: 91
5. Julie M. Smith, T&S: 70

Who Placed Their Employment Status in the Greatest Jeopardy? *
1. Kaimi Wenger, T&S: 54,667
2. Kevin Barney, BCC: 54,447
3. Nate Oman, T&S, 36,480
4. Matt W., NCT: 34,450
5. J. Nelson-Seawright, BCC, 31,903
6. Steve Evans, BCC: 67

*John Dehlin's chart-topping category killers omitted since he can now blog professionally

Conference Retort

2008-04-07T12:03:00.001-06:00

It was only a matter of time. A mere 18 hours after General Conference had been adjourned came the FMH Conference Report. Eight hours of conference sessions and ECS can’t find a single positive thing to say about the addresses other than this morsel:
I think Elder Ballard meant well…
President Monson’s address – his closing remarks where he spoke at length of his beloved wife and her lengthy stay in a hospital after recuperating from a tragic fall – left ECS “disheartened”. Kinda makes me wonder exactly what it would take to impress ECS.

If the Church were to take ECS’ counsel to action, both mothers and fathers of young children would be exempted from callings other than hymnbook collecting. This begs the question - who would be left to run the wards and branches? No doubt complaints about ageism would flood the ‘nacle.

You can please all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, but the gals over at FMH? No how, no way.

2007 Giblets, The Best of the Offal

2008-04-01T11:06:00.001-06:00

In usual SnarkerNacle fashion, we like to decry everything that is wrong about the Bloggernacle, and in this spirit we announce the 2007 Giblets, the horrid hairy-tongued aftertaste of the Nacle. In case you weren't around two years ago, we originally did it back then too. We didn't do it last year because we did the Niblets, and that ended up being so bad it was in and of itself the Giblets and doing another one again would have been horribly redundant. But, alas, poor Joseph Addison our anachronistic brother in snark was burdened, freeing up time for us to do the Giblets with some extra gravy!

Here is the list of Giblets categories we came up with thus far, to give you an idea of where it should go:

Best Blog Post About Court Case Winnings Including Fawning Over Righteousness of Winnings In Attempt to Convince Self it Hasn't Been Complete Waste of Time

Best Bloggernacle Big Blogger to Sneak Over to the DAMU Side and Drop the F-bomb Because Nobody on the Bloggernacle is Paying Attention to Him

Best Threadjacker on Anything Even Remotely Tangentially Kind Of Sort Of But Not Really Gay

Best New Big Group Blog Created Out of Obedience to GA Commands to Give Gay Ex-Mos a Place in the Bloggernacle

Best New Aggregator Created to Shoehorn DAMU Blogs Into the Bloggernacle

Biggest Blog for Sex/Transgender/Gender/Breastfeeding/Gential Mutilation Posts Gone Totally Awry

Biggest Conservative Group Blog to Fade Away Most Unnoticeably

Best Crazed Personal Attack Over Something Totally Irrelevant, Like Snacks At Church or Plastic Toys in Nursery

Best Blog Post About Miserable Misunderstood Europeans Who Suffer Mightily at the Hands of Naive American General Authorities

Best Blog Post Exposing the Foibles of Church Presidents Making it Easier for us to Falsley Justify Our Sins

Best Blogger Who Goes Completely Bonkers When Commenting on Abortion

Now, feel free to submit whatever category you like and they will all get piled into the mess.

Then, unlike JA's elitist group of "whiney and wrong" self-promoting category nominators, you, yes you beloved gentle reader, will have the power, the unmitigated, raw, burgeoning power of nominating whoever the heck you please for any and all categories. Oh, sweet pleasure of vanity! You too can nominate yourself anonymously just like they did. Or, you can rise above narcissistic vanity and actually nominate someone else. Your choice. Why wait for DKL to tally up your Niblet votes when you can voice your opinion here and now? (Wait a minute, I seem to recall him complaining about the lack of transparency in the nomination and voting process in last year's Niblets, and yet he participated as one of the secret nominators and now he is running the votes off the blog site he administers. I guess when it comes to transparency, it is all relative.)

Announcing the 2008 (Unilateral) Niblet Awards

2008-03-17T11:37:00.004-06:00

Fellow Nacclites!

It is with greatly inflated ego and unilateral pride that the Quorum of the Indeterminate Number of Snarks has declared the nominees and winners of the 2008 Unilateral Niblet Awards!

You like me!!! Really!!! You like me!!!

Simply put, after much correlative counseling regarding last year’s chaotic debacle which degenerated into a whine fest seldom seen outside the Nursery, Dazzle and I decided it would be so much easier just to declare the nominees and winners in one single post. We did so in order to save the environment by conserving bandwidth, keystrokes, and whining.

Go ye, therefore, rejoice with the winners and weep with the also-rans.

That is all.

Miley Cyrus Does Bloggernacle "Best" Ode

2008-03-15T14:25:00.005-06:00

Who knew Tween Popstar Phenom Hanna Montana was a Bloggerancle fan? Color me surprised! All this week she will be doing a Disney version of "We're a Big Dysfunctional Family of Self-Absorbed Freaks That Can All Get Along and Love Each Other in 30 Minutes (less time for a word from our sponsor)" as she mimics the Bloggernacle's online community interactions. With the writer's strike over, Miley's version will no doubt be as substantive and genuine as the Bloggernacle version.

While Joseph Addison is doing all he can to delete all negative comments from the post and keep all the squeaky wheels greased (hey, did you notice that all of the major whiners from last year's Niblets are on the list of his "mighty and strong" nominators?) to avoid repeating last year's train wreck, that will be nothing compared to the virtual power of a ten ton locomotive of pre-adolescent narcissism when it comes to ensuring success.

Thank you Hanna for lending your credibility to something that might otherwise look... well... staged and a little bit fake.

The Grumpy Old High Priest

2008-03-13T10:41:00.004-06:00

It has come to my attention that The Wiz of Mormon Mommy Wars has unleashed a tear on the ‘Nacle Youth – otherwise known as the ‘under 30’ crowd. Not one to miss out on an obvious snark opportunity, I caught up with the `Nacle’s very own Grumpy Old High Priest to get his opinion on today’s young generation.

You know what I can’t stand? Young punks today. They think they’ve got it rough. They don’t know nothin’! I tell you what. Back in my day, we knew hardship.

Take missionaries for example. Look at ‘em! Ridin’ around on high-end bikes with helmets that could survive a 100 mph impact with a brick wall. Back in my day we didn’t need bicycle helmets. We rode 100 miles from one appointment to the other – no stops. If you fell behind you were left behind and your companion baptized your replacement up the road in the ditch and you had to hop freight trains to get home. That’s the way it was. That’s the way it was and we liked it. We loved it!

Another thing – all this instant communication technology. What’s with that? Back in my day, we didn’t have LDS.org. We didn’t even have the Ensign! Back in my day if you wanted to hear the words of the Prophet, you went to his house. That’s the way it was and we liked it! If you didn’t like it, you were excommunicated and that’s how we dealt with free thinkers.

Young kids today have too many damn channels on their TV! Back in my day we only had three channels and we could only see one clearly and it had the audio feed from another channel. So when we were watching Dallas we got stuck with the audio from Hill Street Blues. I knew who shot JR! Mick Belker shot that dirtbag!

The Wiz is right. You young punks live in a friggin’ utopia. When I think of all the havoc I could’ve wreaked with the stuff you take for granted today I get downright depressed that all these toys are wasted on the young.

Now get back to work so my Social Security check doesn’t bounce. Don’t make me break out my Cat of Nine Tails on your lazy butts!

MSplat:Pretty New Face, Same Boring Place

2008-02-27T11:26:00.000-07:00

The Millennial Black Hole has a pretty new WordPress interface, great. But the posts are the same old, same old. New posts? Something half-baked and dumbed-down from Clark, and some new guy who has earned himself perma status by being friends with Brian Duffin and doing the new chrome job, and a new perma who doesn't post, and one sentence posts by GeoffB that should just be sidebar links. Impressive work, people.

The only thing the new paint job really accomplishes is making T&S's ancient, ugly front end look even more staid and archaic by contrast. Seriously, how hard would it be for T&S to recruit Scott away from M* like BCC did to MM? Maybe T&S held off because Scott didn't have the foresight to provide a link to the front page anywhere on the sidebar, banner or front page.

MHole, I dub you MSplat, because your reincarnation falls down flat. Keep trying. Maybe you'll be big again someday.

FMH II

2008-02-27T10:06:00.002-07:00

Is it me, or have things been changing there at FMH over the past few months. FMH used to get criticized a lot for heavy-handed moderating (moderating that would even make BCC Steve Evans look like a gentle touch with kid gloves) and for being prurient. But, lately, they have been remarkably tolerant of dissent in the comments and now this! Contrast it with this!!! Wow, what a difference. When I saw Lisa's mk. 2 post my stomach churned, but wait, the comments are actually...well...not anything like the mk. 1. Could it be possible that FMH is growing up? They have made it past pre-adolescence and are becoming...dare I say it...somewhat mature? Perish the thought. With people acting all responsible and intelligent, it doesn't leave a snarker much to work with.

Dr. B's Going to Have a Boring Valentine's Day

2008-02-12T09:08:00.000-07:00

When she isn't yelling at him and throwing his research material away, BiV is blogging about how she has the hots for a "Centrum Stud." Wow, Dr. B., what kind of unpleasant inferences can be drawn from that? Eew. No wonder the guy spends so much time searching for mission quotes and posting them on his blog. Who can hold a candle to such a crusty old geezer as this Pulitzer Prize winning spinner of tawdry grandfatherly wisdom? Maybe Dr. B can pound some Ensure, and muster up the courage to write about dusty floors, silent guitars, dried up flowers and old women feeding corn to chickens. Hawt! Good luck with that, Dr. B.

open-ended toys made from natural materials Versus Gordon B. Hinckley

2008-01-29T04:48:00.000-07:00

FMH has been embroiled in a controversy over... sexism? ... racism? ... child abuse? ... wife beating? ... Poop? ... No, none of these. What then? Nursery. Um, yes, Nursery. You know, that two hour block of time the pre-Primary toddlers go into once a week on Sunday, so their parents can hopefully participate in other church-related activities. The battle over Waldorf-style Nurseries was caustic, with Artemis being variously attacked and defended for wanting things a particular way in Nursery. It got so bad she followed up with another blog post defending herself, going to great lengths to show how normal and pedestrian she is, not at all a Al Gore-hugging, elitist Europhile. This racks up a combined total of 300+ comments.

Gordon Bitner Hinckley commemorative post: ~30 comments.

Order of magnitude difference there.

FMH, where Primary Pinecones beat out Prophets Passing 10:1

LDSelect: New and Improved

2008-01-23T12:17:00.000-07:00

Heck, this chick beats DKL any day of the week.

Inner Beauty, FMH Style

2008-01-18T04:38:00.000-07:00

G is sick and tired of men objectifying women's reproductive organs, so she is fantasizing about decapitating and dismembering men in retaliation. Fair is fair, right? I am going to hazard a guess and say the man in her drawing is the father of the sleeping baby girl, who is obviously drugged in her little papoose, as Mom is sweating from the exertion of killing her baby-daddy, which high-impact activity would certainly wake up any normal child.

That, or the Artist's Block has backed things up so bad it is affecting G's thinking such that she thinks Amazons reproduce asexually and breaking into a sweat while dismembering guys doesn't require the kind of physical activity that would wake up a child. Who knows? Creative constipation has clearly taken its toll. Time for some corrective action:

Try that, G, and you can post about it tomorrow as another installment in the FMH Poop Chronicles, which are always a welcomed sight for the classy chicks at FMH, who just cannot get enough of boobie throw pillows and wang and cooter cheese cakes. Then maybe you can stop obsessing about your reproductive organs and make some real art. Purge the poo and use that as fertilizer for your Asherah worship (‘get my grove on’).

Sure, ladies, it is sad and wrong that men objectify your doo dads, but how is what you are doing any different? It isn't. G's post is just as sad and wrong as what she decries. How will anyone ever take FMH seriously when posts like this impeach its credibility?

Hawt Tips for N00bs, from the Nacle Inner Circle

2008-01-08T10:52:00.000-07:00

Yo newbie, whattap! Listen up, greenie, let me tell you how it is in the hood:

Get a blog name from some obscure Early LDS Church periodical, the more obscure the better. All of the obvious, well known ones are taken already, so you may have to do a little searching. Don't worry that your blog has nothing to do at all with the old namesake, none of the current ones do either.

Link all the other Mormon blogs and Nacle Index sights. If you want love, you gotta give it. Free love is bad in the real world, but in the Bloggernacle it rules.

Beat the dead horse. Whatever is getting a lot of play in the other blogs, you blog about that too. Then comment in those threads and link back to your blog.

State the Obvious. Say the same thing, just in a slightly different and new way, to keep it fresh. There is nothing new under the sun, but if you can put it in the context of current events and throw in some clever turn of phrase, you win.

Suck up to get ahead. Praise the brilliance of bloggers you want to ally with and parrot them and add in some of your own tidbits to support their position. Bloggers are narcissists, use that to promote your blog. Admit it, you are a narcissist too The more you suck up the more likely you will asked to be a guest blogger.

Neglect everything else. The more you neglect really important things in your life to blog, the more successful you will be. Really, there is no substantial difference between fame and infamy in the Bloggernacle, so abandon husband, wife, kids, work and self in your quest for Bighood.

Quality is irrelevant. Post anything, it doesn't matter. Really. As long as you can somehow relate it to something Mormon, go ahead. It has all been done already, so nobody will complain. No, really, I am not kidding. Good is nice and may get you some readers, but shocking pandering gets attention.

Don't mess with facist admins, they will ban you faster than you can say "September Seven." If you disagree with Steve Evans at BCC or say T&S sucks on T&S, expect to be banned. Whining about it afterwards is sour grapes, doing it will only make you look like you deserved it. Narcissists hate being criticized, don't do it. Yes, they are wrong, it doesn't matter, they don't want to hear it.

The Bloggernacle is not your ward. It is a bunch of weirdos who happen to be Mormons, and they have too much time on their hands and either cannot or do not want to go outside and play. They want to obsess about things that don't matter. Don't expect to be treated respectfully as a stranger or new visitor, this isn't going to church, it is more like Middle School all over again.

If you don't know what you are talking about, shut up or get whacked. An opinionated ignoramus in the Bloggernacle is like chum in shark-infested waters. Lay low until you earn some credibility and get a feel for the people, don't impeach your credibility by talking smack right off the bat. It doesn't matter how smart you think you are, there are smarter people around who are skilled at shredding people like you just for laughs. If you think Mormons are nice and polite, you are in the wrong place, because most places they are, but here is not most places.

Welcome, foddery n00bs!

“Stop thinking about yourself and start living the gospel of Jesus Christ!”

2008-01-03T06:14:00.000-07:00

The Harangue turned 3 years old this week (so it isn't New anymore, and how Cool it ever was is subject to debate). Happy berfday to them.

As their regular readers know, the focus of the posts there has always been trying to look beyond the mark when it comes to Mormon doctrine, theology, and scriptures. They have spent a lot of time trying to speculate wildly about the atonement of Jesus Christ, free will/agency, foreknowledge, personal revelation, eternal progression, and all sorts of other difficult theological and philosophical subjects they really know very little about. Along the way there has been a lot of contention and disagreement. Why? Because:

GeoffJ hates knuckleheaded comments.

In the middle of them speculating wildly on the atonement of Jesus Christ some numbskull (i.e., anyone who doesn't agree with GeoffJ) will come along and tell them to stop wasting their time. Not surprising, quite frankly, given some of the ridiculous things they discuss. Like Multiple Mortal Probations and wacky Atonement theory that ignores what the rest of Christendom figured out nearly 2000 years ago. No, I’m not kidding. These types of comments irritate GeoffJ to no end, because they don't dwell on how greatly enriched by these discussions he is and how he feels more knowledgeable about the things of God.

Since GeoffJ is irritated as he blogs uncharitably, I will guess about a potential reason for that kind of comment: A severe inability to live the restored gospel. Yup — worldly people are afraid that pulling back the curtain and looking hard in the mirror will reveal that they are living a sham or something (to put it in Wizard of Oz terms). Being willing to look closely at yourself takes faith that the restored gospel holds up when applied to your life and my guess is that some people are deathly afraid that looking closely at their own lives will reveal awful results.

Wah!

Speculating wildly is nonsense. Studying the scriptures closely in order to know how we should act and what we should do is a good thing. The restored gospel can easily tell someone how they live their life. The scriptures certainly are not against us studying the gospel so we will know how to act:

Whatever principle of intelligence we attain unto in this life, it will rise with us in the resurrection. And if a person gains more knowledge and intelligence in this life through his diligence and obedience than another, he will have so much the advantage in the world to come. (D&C 130: 18-19)

As this Scripture states, the knowledge and intelligence is gained through diligence and obedience, just as Jesus taught, "If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine" meaning if we do the Father's will then we will be filled with His doctrine. Nothing there about being ardently dedicated to speculating wildly in ignorance, just talking about living right and learning as a result of it.

The glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth. (D&C 93: 36)

Yes, and taking it in context with D&C 93, when people exercise their agency to reject evil and do good, then they are filled with light and truth, which the adversary takes away because of disobedience. So, what do we need to do to be filled with light and truth? Speculate? No. Obedience? Yes.

It is impossible for a man to be saved in ignorance. (D&C 131: 6)

Here, Joseph makes it plain that choosing to ignore the ordinances of God will damn you, as he states:

There are a great many wise men and women too in our midst who are too wise to be taught; therefore they must die in their ignorance, and in the resurrection they will find their mistake. Many seal up the door of heaven by saying, So far God may reveal and I will believe.
All men who become heirs of God and joint heirs with Jesus Christ will have to receive the fullness of the ordinances of his kingdom; and those who will not receive all the ordinances will come short of the fullness of that glory, if they do not lose the whole (TPJS, Pg. 509)

So, the ignorance Smith is talking about is not that of esoteric bits of soteriological knowledge, but the willful ignoring of the call to repent and be baptized by an authorized servant of God. So, once again, the Scriptures do not support what GeoffJ is saying.

But, look, people can live the Gospel all they want. We are all free to choose. But there at the Harangue they are all about trying to understand what they consider to be important, and not actually living the gospel. Those who don’t like that are free to step off. (Of course GeoffJ mean that in that in the nicest possible way, which is to say, "If you aren't a rampant speculator who likes looking beyond the mark and ignoring the obvious, then don't comment there, but please still do read the blog, because he watches the stats very closely, just don't comment, because he doesn't care what you think, unless you agree with him.")

Oh and a Happy New Year to all speculators! The rest of you, who focus on living the Gospel and point out speculating is largely a waste of time, can step off. We get enough of that at Church already!

[Associated Radio Thang song: Noisepie — Hey Mr. Bighead]

Witch Hunt Alert:Bloggernacle Fence-Sitter

2007-12-30T16:36:00.000-07:00

Most Bloggernacle bloggers consider the DAMU (see definition 5) to be the bane of their existence (except for FMH, since half their readership is DAMU), since those pesky ex-mo's love to troll. Well, now a prominent Bloggernacle Blogger (at least he considers himself to be prominent) is playing both sides of the court, but he is doing so anonymously. Sure, he isn't self-identifying, but it isn't hard to come up with a short list, very short actually, if you take the time to hunt for clues.

Here is what can be gathered from his posted comments:

Male
Married with children
Exceptionally profane
Long time Bloggernacle blogger, drops all the Big Blog names, refers to Nate Oman by first name only
Probably a lawyer (how many non-lawyers use the word "dispositive"?)
Privy to internal workings of a Nacle group blog that gets targeted by DAMU
Very sensitive to currently popular feminist issues

Why is this Bloggernacle Blogger hiding? He answers that question himself here:

On the other hand, it's also clear that more orthodox Mormons would not consider me one of them; and that, if they knew my particular belief configuration, they might try to expel me from the community, in one of their community-policing actions. Which would limit my ability to participate in the cafeteria. You can't order a la carte when you go to the Soup Nazi's restaurant.

Sure, sure, blame your anonymity on the Nazi Orthodoxy.

We think we know who it is, what do you all think? What additional evidence can we gather about "Cafeteria Mormon"? We think he just isn't getting enough attention inside the Bloggernacle anymore, so he is trying to cash in on his cred there to get attention from the DAMU/Ex-mo crowd. Why do you think he is doing this?

FYI: When "Cafeteria Mormon" first signed up with FLAK, his user name was "Blogger of Nacle" and his profile picture was a LOLCats pic that said "Banning yo DAMU ass from the Nacle!" or something like that. He changed the pic and user name because some of the FLAK crowd was taking him to task for his seemingly pro-Naccle stance. But, there are a lot of comments still around referring to him as "BoN" or "BoNer" because of his old "Blogger of Naccle" user name.

Stille Blacht

2007-12-26T09:21:00.000-07:00

Nacle: < silence >
Kaimi: It might be Christmas Eve, but I am going to blog anyway. Because I am dedicated. And worth reading. And not bored.
Nacle: < silence >
Kaimi: I'll say something poignant, and heartfelt about... um... silence... and... Jesus... and tie in my clever kids as the hook. People always eat that up.
Nacle: < silence >
Kaimi, pensively waiting for comments: Hmmm, better trying something else.

Elder Ballard Disses Bloggernacle

2007-12-18T11:15:00.000-07:00

The Bloggernacle is all excited about how Elder Ballard suggested BYU-H graduating seniors go online and blog about being Mormon so they can add their faithful voices to the Internet. The only specific blog he mentions is Flooding the Earth.

OK people, let reality sink in here for a minute. Elder Ballard found a relatively obscure blog, and yet he somehow missed all the big ones? No, he didn't. If he spent 3 seconds on the Internet searching "mormon blog" what did he overlook? All of you "Big Blogs". The only way he could have skipped all of you accidentally is if he did "book of mormon blog" and clicked "I'm Feeling Lucky" and then stopped right there. Unlikely, isn't it?

What you people are heralding as an endorsement is in fact a backhanded slap. Elder Ballard is telling a bunch of kids graduating from BYU-H to go out and blog on their own. He is not, repeat, NOT encouraging them to go and participate in the Bloggernacle. He is encouraging them to go out and blog independent of the Bloggernacle.

Congratulations, Bloggernacle, Elder Ballard doesn't see fit to endorse you as a model graduating seniors from BYU-H should emulate or a community they should participate in. Endorsing blogging is not endorsing the Bloggernacle.

Memo From Voldemart

2007-12-18T09:17:00.001-07:00

Dear TracyM:

We would like to thank you for returning to our Stuff department. We are ever so grateful you were wise enough to leave your Red Headed Terrorists at home this time. As you probably noticed, we have enough trouble keeping our aisles passable without them climbing to the top of the shelves and tossing down pallets of dishwashing soap as they scream with glee unintelligible phrases having something to do with bubbles.

We understand your frustration in being unable to find whatever elusive toy you came to our Stuff Mart in search of. We’d apologize for your having been misled by one of our employees, but honestly, Tracy, what do you expect from some guy named Jinger at five o’clock in the bloody morning?

As for your foray into our “girls” section, we simply cannot be held responsible for your reaction to the skanky clothing produced by our third-world sweatshops. Our goal here is shareholder value, not skin coverage. Besides, you obviously missed the carefully placed sign above the “girls” department. We feel the warning “Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here” is pretty self explanatory. Abby didn’t need those tights anyway - Ruffles are so last year. As a side note, glitter is the new black – haven’t you heard?

Again, thank you for visiting your neighborhood Voldemart Stuff department – sans the Red Headed Terrorists. Our maintenance department sends along their heartfelt thanks as well. And, despite your protestations to the contrary, we know you’ll be back.

Till then, we remain the humble recipients of your family’s hard earned lucre,

Voldemart

Matt Evans Hosts The T&S Christmas Party

2007-12-11T08:52:00.000-07:00

Wecome to the T&S Christmas Party!

Why thank you! You got any food? We’re starved!

But of course. In the gastronomically correct holiday tradition, I have prepared a healthy feast for you and your fellow carolers.

…

Don’t you have anything, well, tastier?

I will not be a party to the hardening of your arteries! What’s next? You want me to pick up a carton of Marlboros for you?

Well, now that you mention it...

Hush, Brother Davis!!

No sweets for you…any of you! Come back...Next year!!

Bloggernacle Palaver Alert:Countdown to Mitt Romsday

2007-12-04T04:31:00.000-07:00

9M, BCC, T&S and MoSto have already started speculating on something the rest of you will inevitably be blogging about, so hurry up and stake out some original territory before it becomes one huge recycling bin of adulation and attack. Seriously, if you haven't already posted on it, then consider yourself a fool for squandering a full day of comment harvesting on something other than what is going to dominate the entire Bloggernacle weekend.

BORING-AS-HECK BANDWAGON-JUMPING-ONNER UPDATE:
T&S Matt Evans
T&S Collective Conglomerrulate
9M Tom
9M Lamonte
DMI Dave
MM arJ
MoSto John
AllE Doug
ASA David
And probably a bunch more before the sun sets.

Ugh, more:
ABEV John F
AllE Travis, and again.
MoBlo Mark
NL L
ASA David
ASA David
M0 Geoff
SSS JMW

And dragging it on into Friday:
T&S Dave
T&S Matt
MoSto John
MoSto John again

Dragging into the following week was almost everything John Dehlin posted at MoSto.

Guest Post:Joseph Smith, And You Complain About Second Nephi

2007-11-27T04:54:00.000-07:00

That this wheat be made into something more easily digested, I have taken some time out from my busy schedule to offer a translation to the Mormons, whom to be made to understand has been like splitting hemlock knots with a corn-dodger for a wedge, and a pumpkin for a beetle, although in a case like this it is entirely excusable. Here is my translation for the Bloggernacle, that I might render it a bit more plain:

Sister Welch, I thank you for taking the time to write such an excellent and comprehensive review of Brother Givens' new book. Upon the next endeavor, please do me the favor of writing in such a manner that it be comprehensible and not imponderable to the Saints, that they might benefit thereby forthwith and without additional explication. Remember what Nephi son of Lehi said about plainness. As I have many pressing matters to attend to, I would consider it a personal favor to relieve me of the obligation of translating abstruce texts in like manner in the future.

Sincerest salutations, yours very kindly,

Brother Joseph.

Exercises in Circular Logic:Womyn Love the Men Who Love Them

2007-11-23T06:30:00.000-07:00

Hey, guess what? Feminists like other feminists and find them sexy, and love to read statistics that prove what they always knew. In other news, registered Democrats don't vote for Republicans, dogs aren't cats and tautologies cannot be made false by mere mortals.

Here are some more useful statistics for you:

100% of Mormon Bloggers love bloggers who are Mormon who agree with everything they say and post salutary, sycophantic comments.

0% of Mormon Bloggers like being snarked by SnarkerNacle Industries LTD., more reviled than DKL, more often banned than outspoken conservatives at BCC and critical commentators at T&S, less side-blog linked than NDBF Gary.

You can quote me as a source.

More amusing is Quimby's defense of the Clintons after mami points out the irony here. Sorry, Quimby, but Bill's feminism is weak, at best. Defend lying adulterers (D-NY) while attacking LDS Church leaders (R-Utah). More circular logic, eh? Defend those in your political circle. Heads up guys, as long as you talk the talk, you can cheat on your wife and lie about it. With a stunning example like this, no wonder guys want to be feminists.

Laws of the Bloggernacle:There Shall Be Poop in Abundance, Not a Little Either

2007-11-14T07:26:00.000-07:00

If the Bloggernacle had Laws governing it, one of them would surely be Thou Shalt Discuss Excrement Often, and Not Withold the Contents of Thy Bowels, or Loins, or Anything Like Unto It from Your Readers, for they are Beholden to it, No Matter How Odiferous, Rancid, or Putrescent it May Be Unto Thee, for Thine Uncleanness Shall Be Multiplied Upon Thine Readers and Therefore Not Upon Thee.

Seriously people, what is it about the Bloggernacle that has dookie being the "go to" topic? FMH does it regularly, TftC has been emulating them, BCC has dipped their toe in the honey pot, and now NCT has gone down with the brown. Matt W half-heartedly tries to turn it into an intellectual discussion on why people could be so inconsiderate in making messes with it and whether that is some indicator of socio-economic status, or some other such rot. But, the bulk of the discussion is about plain old crap.

Yes, everyone does it. Everyone burps, farts, picks their nose, scratches themselves, and engages in various other gender and non-gender-specific bodily functions too. Nobody talks about them on the Bloggernacle. Just poop. Which really is discriminatory to all the other personal hygiene-related topics. I mean, come on, someone really could work farting and burping, but nobody does. Which suggests the Bloggernacle is either bigoted against all others forms of hygiene-related exposition, or they are obsessive about it. Not sure which.

Thou Shalt Not Covet Thy Neighbor's...House

2007-11-12T05:42:00.000-07:00

Aside from Dialogue not being populated with Jedi writers, this thread on greed has some interesting revelations. A couple of people pop in to point out they are wise and just stewards, while many more embittered people rant about their inability to buy in an up market. The only rant-maker honest enough to expose the source of his anger is DKL. Great! So as soon as the market starts cooling off, a market that spiraled wildly up because of greed, there are more greedy people like DKL waiting in the wings to soften the fall by scooping up houses when the market goes soft. So, in other words, DKL, the market will not burn as you wish it would, because of...people like you.

And, while Sam MB laments the moral and spiritual health Mormons, the home-buying Mormons of the Bloggernacle lament their inability to buy in an up market and bitterly fantasize about "the house to which we could upgrade in a more reasonable market", rather than discuss what Mormons can do to address the underlying problem of greed which created and fuels the problem. Why repent when you can wait for market forces to change in your favor?

T&S Endorses Snarking

2007-11-04T18:17:00.000-07:00

Ms. Ardis takes Will Bagley, et al. to task for being axe-griding anti-Mormons, and rightly so. But, the manner in which she does so is decidedly snarky, and fellow T&S permabore Nate joins right in. Will Bagley shows up and complains about the treatment, but Ardis defends her snarkiness as a legitimate approach that is not a charter-violating personal attack (apparently, insinuating they are asses is not a personal attack, perhaps saying "Will Bagley is an ass" is, but indirectly suggesting he is isn't...not at T&S anyway).

Ah, me, this is all very comforting. You see, the permabores at T&S often complain they are targets of SnarkerNacle. It is good to see they have come around to accepting things as we see it, and will from now on be more open to such fun. As long as we only insinuate they are asses and don't actually say they are, then it will all be in accordance with their way of doing business, right? Good, glad we have that settled.

Bloggernacle Death Watch

2007-10-31T03:50:00.000-06:00

Here is this Halloween's List of blogs to read while listening to Beethoven's 5th Symphony:

Anemic Looking a little peaked.

Millennial Star
Straight and Narrow Blog
Mormon Metaphysics

Moribund The walking dead.

Blogger of Jared
Prayer of Faith
Spinozist Mormon
Cold and Calculating
No Death Before the Fall

Rigor Mortis Deeply interred.

LDS Patriot
Rock of Salvation
The Iron Rod
Mormon Open Forum
Popcorn Popping
Purim
Bob and Logan
Ironic Priesthood
LDS Liberation Front
Viva Ned Flanders
The Rocky Shore
Latter Day Blog

Actually, most of these going defunct makes us Happy! Did we miss any?

This Halloween is pretty uneventful. In 2005, Halloween was just about when Banner of Heaven imploded and the fallout was absolutely awful. And in 2006, Halloween was pretty much when Mark Butler pulled the wool over Millennial Star's eyes and lead them to near-extinction. This year? Really, its been pretty quiet. No tricks, just the lovely little treats of the above blogs going under.

Happy Pagan Orange and Black Celebration of Death and Decay! May your holiday be as filled with compost, offal and gangrene as the Bloggernacle is.

Democrat Dan Needs Intervention

2007-10-30T05:16:00.000-06:00

Rabid Dan just can't lay off the smack. Three days into his week-long fasting from politics on his own blog he is just doing it on a different blog. Dan, Dan, Dan, if there is "nothing enjoyable about it" then why can't you stop? Because you have a problem. The solution is obvious: The 12 Step Approach to Politics. Give it a shot, Dan. For yourself, for your family, for the Bloggernacle. Please.

Why the Bar was Raised

2007-10-25T07:23:00.000-06:00

BCC revels in the sort of squalor that usually afflicts FMH, providing first-person accounts of why the Bar was Raised when it comes to full-time missionaries.

I don't know which is worse, that Aaron, a celebrated BCC perma takes pleasure in presenting the worst as his best, or the way dedicated BCC fans love this kind of cynicism and praise his nihilism. What I do know is this kind of post speaks volumes about BCC in specific and the makeup of the Bloggernacle in general.

Guest Post: Holy Spirit, "No, you really do offend me."

2007-10-22T09:34:00.000-06:00

Hey everyone, I know you don't see much of me around the Bloggernacle, since none of you bother to listen to me (except for Bloggers of Jared, M&M, Jettboy, Connor Boyack, and M* Mark Butler), but a recent post needs to be addressed so you Liahona types don't wander totally off the straight and narrow path and drown in the filthy water.

Jacob at NCT is kinda sort of right but mostly wrong. While I am under strict non-disclosure agreements and cannot discuss what he does in his spare time, I can fairly state the obvious to bring it to people's attention that his Scriptures have been collecting dust for far too long. If they saw more use, he might have read this and this, which would have made it pretty clear I am not just effervescent vapor that people subjectively feel at their convenience.

No, I am a personage of spirit that has legs (no, there are no wings, sorry literalists, but this fine and pure matter I am made of means what you call "gravity" has no effect on me) and uses them whenever I see the need. And, as far as leaving the movie theater when the naughty bits parts come on, no, that is not how it works. I am clever and informed enough to not go in the first place, so I don't leave, because I was never there in the first place. Dropping the F-Bomb? Feel free to exercise your agency, and I will too by leaving you to play the fool. So, yes, people and things do offend me all the time, and I leave. I have agency just like you. So, there you have it.

Yes, yes, I will certainly work with all repentant sinners, like you bloggers, but there is that repentant thing there. Yes, sure, I do try to encourage even the unrepentant to repent, but, frankly, I have a busy schedule and can spend my time much more profitably working with people who are genuinely repentant, even when they do fall off the wagon now and again. As long as they keep getting back on.

Anyway, just to set things straight, I am a personage of spirit, if you irritate me I will get up and go, or preemptively leave in the event I see things going bad. But, no, that doesn't mean I will not come back and see what you are up to from time to time. And, no, I am not like the sun radiating truth into the universe, that analogy is lousy. The "truth is light" thing is metaphor, don't push it to hard, it was given to people who had no idea what the physics of light really is all about.

Thanks, and please, next time I suggest you do something, listen. Otherwise, you are on your own.

P.S., Oh, yes, and Jacob, the Lord doesn't lie, under any circumstances. Mahonri got it right. You? Not so much.

9M:Now with even more Ghey!!!

2007-10-22T08:29:00.000-06:00

Rusty, the most metrosexual Mormon in the Bloggernacle has been having a tough time getting people to read his blog, mostly because the permas there aren't posting. So, in an effort to be even more in-your-face cutting edge, he blows Staper's white man's guilt out of the water by signing up the very first ever totally-out-of-the-closet Mormon Gay Man as a perma. Hey, wow, now there is some traffic generating controversy.

Come on, Rusty Flintstone, trying to be cutting edge is so last century. I mean, really, you already wear more eyeliner than Brandon Flowers, everyone knows Kaimi is just too scared to come out of the closet, and BCC and FMH regularly hug gays. The only thing 9M has is that Silus is out, but how "out" since Silus Grok is a pseudonym. Hellmut or Ann could easily one-up 9M by signing Nick Literski or MikeInWeHo. Then what?

Sorry, Fred, the Great Gazoo says you are digging in the wrong quarry. Bloggernacle Hipness is not accomplished by flouting the Big Blogs and collecting permas like trading cards. Content is king, nifty logos are Ikea. Keep trying.

FMH Lisa’s Traveling Protestation Show

2007-10-18T08:40:00.000-06:00

Cold October night
All the leaves fallen down
And the snow on the ground freezing the feet
Lisa’s bus on the road
To the outside of town
And the sound of the whining wanna-be protest drum beat.

They stand with their home-made signs
In the cold, cold breeze
And that whining group
Telling nobody

It’s FMH Lisa!
FMH Lisa’s Traveling Protestation Show!
She’s packed up her babies,
She’s grabbed the old ladies
But nobody goes
Everyone knows
Sister FMH Lisa’s show.

[Sermon]
Reach out with your left hand, and stretch forth your “Impeach Bush Now” sign
…’cause that’s what its there for
Now take your right hand, and lock arms with the unkempt, unshaven, and unbathed hippie next to you…
…’cause that’s what he’s there for

Take my hand in yours
Whine with me this day
In my heart I know
I’ll make the Salt Lake Tribune’s front page!

It’s FMH Lisa!
FMH Lisa’s Traveling Protestation Show!
She’s packed up her babies,
She’s grabbed the old ladies
But nobody goes
Everyone knows
Sister FMH Lisa’s show.

BCC:Belittle Conservatives Contentiously

2007-10-11T06:12:00.000-06:00

You know, every time I read BCC I feel the Spirit leave me. Now I understand why! It's because they don't follow their own rules of Christian conduct. Sure, sure, they are honest enough to admit they are jerks, but the way they allow left wing nutjobs to freely run amok while editing, banning and deleting the right wing nutjobs goes beyond the pale. Regardless of which type of nut job you are, everyone recognizes what gross bias looks like, and BCC excesses have been extreme for the past couple of weeks. If you people don't start leveling the playing field and make at least some effort to be fair, all you have accomplished to overtake T&S as #1 will be squandered by your petty personal politics as you degenerate into a haven for left wing trolls. And you wonder why conservative Bloggernacle bloggers look down their noses at you? When you act like this you are only confirming their suspicions.

Mother Becker

2007-10-08T04:47:00.000-06:00

The General Relief Society President dared to have the nerve to do her job and show herself in public and speak to women of the Church. Predictably, she was roundly criticized on almost every blog in the Bloggernacle for it. Why? Because of a "total lack of deep gospel mojo", because she made obsessive mothers feel guilty, and she failed to criticize the men of the Priesthood. You know, it just doesn't matter what President Beck said, she would have been attacked for it regardless. Never mind that it is outside her authority to speak to men of the Church, that some women will feel guilty no matter what, and the Bloggernacle in general (and FMH in specific) lacks deep gospel mojo. None of that is relevant when it comes to emotional tirades.

Judging from the number and variety of threats of letter writing, Church Headquarters in SLC will likely be deluged by hate mail that will have to be security screened, so if you are ordering anything from Church Distribution you should probably do it over the web site or phone if you want timely delivery.

The sad thing is the entire round of complaints, whining and accusations was so predictable, it could have been scripted months ago. Sister X speaks at GC, angry Bloggernacle womyn react negatively because she fails to uphold their view of how the Church should be run and attack her for it, the more faithful and sensible female bloggers shake their heads in dismay and embarrassment, men divide up along the lines of which camp they are in, it gets snarked, after a couple of days everyone forgets about it and nothing changes. Repeat in six months. Next March, how about we do it all the weekend before the real General Conference, so when the real one comes up people will actually listen to it and think about it rather than dump their incendiary mind vomit onto their laptops real-time instead. Maybe, just maybe, something someone says will sink in an actually result in someone taking it to heart.

As an aside, one noteworthy point is the womyn of the Bloggernacle not only covet the Priesthood, they also covet the Presidency of the Relief Society as well. See guys, they don't just hate you, they hate themselves too. Comforting that the womyn of the Bloggernacle are equal opportunity usurpers, isn't it?

Mormon Emphasis on Families is Unchristian

2007-10-05T12:14:00.000-06:00

Talk about swallowing the camel whole, the FPR crew is at it again. Jesus Hates Families and Mormons Don't, so the Community Suffers. It has to be a game for them to come up with crazy ideas and then go proof text it, ignore anything that contradicts their selective reading and see how far they run with it before someone calls them on it, right? I mean, they are all into reading the Scriptures in the correct historical context, and Judaism, both ancient and modern is pretty pro-family, right? Hey, I guess you read things in context only when it is convenient. Or is it just that most of them are single and embittered? DavidJ is the only one that sounds off about being married with kids and he is obviously bitter about it. Hey, DavidJ, sorry the whole procreation thing interfered with your academic career and pursuit of material comfort, but, there is this as consolation.

More Holiness Give Thee

2007-10-02T10:11:00.000-06:00

In the ongoing battle to be more politically correct and racially sensitive, BCC has dealt T&S a crushing blow. Team BCC, as lead by Ronan J. Head and supported J. Nelson Seawright spearheaded the assault on lingering Mormon racism. Steve Evans had to gratuitously attack and ban anyone who failed to toe the BCC line to play catch up. And catch up he did, with extraordinary grace and style. Nothing like abusing your position of power to silence those who disagree, huh guys? Never mind that the arguments they use are just as culturally normative as the ones they attack, the only difference being about 50 or 60 years of popular trendiness. Never mind what the Scriptures actually say, that is irrelevant in the light of polished words and socially normative hipness.

Congratulations, guys, you are every bit as irrational and bigoted as the "racists" you hate.

Two Prophets (abish and Jared) Declare Repentance to Sodom and Egypt (BCC)

2007-09-28T18:45:00.000-06:00

If we follow Nephi's advice and liken the Scriptures to ourselves (meaning the Bloggernacle) then this thread is surely heralding the Apocalypse. When you have abish and Jared joining their inspired hands in unison to preach against the worldly corruption that is BCC, well then the end is nigh. That, or this is one of the ugliest examples of petty orthodox versus heterodox the Bloggernacle has seen in awhile. I am not sure which is worse, the BCC crew's snide belittling or abish's unparalleled self-righteousness. It probably comes down to which side of the debate you are on as to which you think is worse. What is that saying about not being able to win a pissing match with a skunk? What happens when there is nothing but skunks fighting?

Reminder: First Annual Joggernacle Decimation

2007-09-27T06:17:00.000-06:00

Team T&S and Team MSplat are going to commit ritual suicide this coming weekend, since they fail to uphold the Word of Wisdom and thus will not be able to run and not be weary.

The persistent accusations that the bulk of the Bloggernacle is composed of unorthodox heteropraxicals will be put to the test after this weekend, as all of the participants who actually run will be dead or disabled, thus reducing the Liahona population significantly and tipping the balance back in favor of the true Iron Rodders. However, there is some question as to how honest the participants will be about participating in this "virtual" marathon.

Here is the Marathon the BCC crew will be laboring over:

And this is the Marathon we suspect Kaimi will be running this weekend:

The Pointlessness and Detriment that is the Bloggernacle

2007-09-18T05:05:00.000-06:00

People who regularly participate in the Bloggernacle naturally want the Bloggernacle to be perceived as a good and beneficial thing, if they didn't they obviously wouldn't participate. In some ways, the Bloggernacle can be a good thing. But, the Bloggernacle is seriously hampered by narcissism and self-absorption.

Yesterday saw a brilliant trifecta of posts exhibiting precisely why the Bloggernacle cannot at present rise above what it is:a petty playground dominated by the egotistical. First, unmitigated vanity, second, vanity mingled with the philosophies of men, and third, Scriptures mingled with the philosophies of men driven by vanity.

First, you have Julie wanting to tell everyone she is pregnant, but she is apparently not wanting to be as tactlessly blatant as Adam, so she writes up a self-flagellating laundry list illustrating how hard/hectic/crazy/rewarding/wonderful her stay-at-home-Mom life is, and despite it all, she is having another baby, as evidenced by the last two words of the post, discreetly tucked in there with capital letters. What you did was concoct some artificial reason to write a post insinuating you are pregnant so people would figure it out and then congratulate and praise you for being such a dedicated, hard-working Homeschooling Mom who would do all that (she teaches her kids Greek!!! Why? Because she can!) and decide to go ahead and have another child on top of it all. Kaimi then posts a link into the sidebar to the comment outing you, and your wish is fulfilled.

Second, you have Kaimi being so clever with self-deprecating riffs showing everyone he engages in philosophically challenging private conversations with other Bloggernacle Big Shots like BCC's meister-blogger (no behind-the-scenes cliques here). He then posts lengthy comments into the thread explaining what the rather opaque conversation was all about, while self-deferentially soaking up praise from fawning comment-makers.

Third, and finally, you have John dragging out the debate about the relative utility of attempting to prepare members of the LDS Church for withering, faith-destroying attacks by anti-mormons. This time the discussion starts with a semantical debate over the term "inoculation" as questioned by...his brother. Naturally, the ensuing discussion pits DAMU's against the "faithful" over the Truth, an ultimately pointless endeavor. The entire Inoculation debate is entirely wrong-headed, not because of semantical labels, but because it flatly ignores the gospel point of view and appeals to the worldly way of doing things. There's the rub, the bulk of the Bloggernacle elite want to debate to show how smart and educated they are, how many esoteric bits of historical trivia they have collected, and how they have more books in their collection than anyone else. But, from the gospel point of view, all of that is meaningless and largely counterproductive. The knowledge of God and strength in testimony comes not from collecting a set of Mormon History Trivia trading cards, but from experience. To know God, you have to experience Him by following the example of Jesus Christ by doing his works. Not just reading about them and studying them, but doing them. People will know the the LDS Church is true by living and doing what the Scriptures teach, not by learning more selective bits of history and trivia. While the Inoculation crowd's self-absorption isn't so blatant as the preceding two examples, it is egotism at it's core as it puts a premium on individual intellectual ascent rather than gospel-centered experiential learning. Responding to tough questions when asked is one thing, publicly preening is another.

If prominent people in the Bloggernacle can get over their fascination with themselves and how clever they are, the Bloggernacle might eventually blossom into something more than it is. If they cannot, then it will continue on being a relatively small, eminently forgettable collection of vain prose lost in the messy clutter of the Internet.

It is your choice people, get over yourselves or continue to suffocate in the lint of your own navel.

Guy Murray Exposed

2007-09-16T11:29:00.000-06:00

Guy Murray wants to see prominent Bloggernacle personalities pose for charity. Since Guy is such the prominent personality himself, and a natural born leader who isn't afraid to break new ground, it only seems appropriate for him to lead the pack. And, so, we present to you: Guy Murray Exposed!

Hot, or not?

Miss Piggy reads T&S

2007-09-13T07:04:00.001-06:00

When not getting pedicures and doing guest commercial spots, Miss Piggy reads T&S. Who knew? We do now, because she actually left a comment this time. Another feather in the hat of T&S, garnering the celebrity Muppet vote of readership. In case you are wondering what Moi was referring to, DMI...err...T&S Dave sums it up, effectively hamstringing Nate's legalese. It looks like the discussion has stalled, probably because of nausea, meaning ronito's snarky prediction will go unfulfilled. Is it sadder that T&S's behavior has become so predicable or that discussion is so lackluster?

Does FPR Still Matter?

2007-09-11T04:34:00.000-06:00

A recent post on FPR offers useful insight into the past, present, and possible future of FPR. The past month (8/2007-9/2007) is a hodgepodge of topics, themes, and approaches. They address ancient and modern scripture trivia, tangents in Mormon history, occasionally debate with evangelical commentators, pay tribute to an ageing Mormon historian, book reviews, a review of Terryl Givens, and a couple of off-topic posts. This month's content on FPR is, indeed, a many-sided thing.

Glancing across the landscape of Mormon blogs, it is easy to see where many of these contributions might have been posted. In fact, almost all of them would have readily found a place within T&S or BCC or MM or the Mormon Wasp. There are three categories of writing that wouldn’t migrate as easily to other venues, and it is these that make FPR different: (1) the permablogger's (and guest's) rambling, idiosyncratic, indulgent reflections on whatever topical matters he (and we do mean "he" since Mogget isn't posting anymore, much to FPR's detriment) feels like writing about; (2) collections of Scripture trivia (which are largely just distillations of odd stuff they learn in class); and (3) tete-a-tetes with average, unschooled Mormons regarding scriptural interpretation.

Let’s consider for a moment each of these three categories, taken in reverse order, and think through what they might suggest about the future of FPR in its institutional, scholarly, and blogging roles.

In the area of blogging, FPR seems to be rapidly losing ground to Waters of Mormon, in terms of coverage, impact, and limelight. The Bloggernacle has been all atwitter over the new WofM blog. WofM has a pretty blogsite, hosts big conversations, and has attracted big names.

On the second category: Scripture debates have long been a specialty of FPR posts, but here too the field is changing. Note that FPR has been doing little but trivia and speculation revolving around sexual themes. Gone are the substantive posts where Scriptural texts are treated exegetically. In this area too, then, the relevance of FPR seems to be dwindling.

The first category, finally, is FPR's turn towards it being a personal Rameumpton for proclaiming the Truth as they see it, spitting on their critics, and sorting out the Good, the Bad, and the Pathetic. The ignorant TBMs are at the gates and the FPR troops are now shouldering the burden to beat them into the ground. Perhaps FPR is tired of giving in to their long-time critics, so they have silently acknowledged that the caustic tone and steady barrage of personal insults will wear out their readers and, who knows, perhaps lead them to victory. Many are by now familiar with their reactions to criticism. Let’s call it The FPR Three-Step. First, seek to overwhelm your critics with your unparalleled education and extraordinary grasp of rhetoric. Second, deny that you are appealing to credentialism or using sophistry. Third, wait for some old friend to come out of the woodwork in support of FPR. (To which we might add a fourth step: Carry on, carry on.)

Many of FPR's online posts have taken a more caustic tone lately. They seems fully aware that FPR is losing some ground, some relevance—partly, I should emphasize, as a result of its own former success. The organization of the Bloggernacle as a broad umbrella of Mormon bloggers has decentralized power structures and is fickle in whom they follow. Put differently, it may slowly fade away, diffused into other blogs and fora.

Ten months from now, will FPR still exist?

Hold to the [CES Interpretation of the] Rod, the [CES Interpretation of the] Iron Rod

2007-09-10T08:13:00.000-06:00

...Tis strong and bright and true...Except when it isn't.

But, regardless, R. Gary, faithful upholder of all things CES/JFS/BRM on the Bloggernacle, adamantly takes Julie M. Smith to task for trying to reconcile Scriptural texts with empirical data when it comes to Noah's Flood.

Gary, Gary, Gary, when are you going to see the difference between correlated CES material and the Scriptures themselves? How many mistakes in interpretation do GA's have to make before we realize they are just fallible humans, not to be venerated? How many quotes from Joseph Smith do we have to read about how he rejects being overly dogmatic when it comes to points of doctrine? Taking people to task in the Bloggernacle is part of what it is all about. Being a dogmatist isn't. Woof.

Blake Ostler Rejects Association With New Cool Thang

2007-09-08T20:20:00.001-06:00

Blake Ostler, patron saint of speculators, has ignored requests to link guest posts at NCT to his web page. Kiss someone's butt and then get slapped in the face for it? Ouch. Something tells me Blake will not be guest posting at NCT anymore. Hmmm, now why wouldn't Blake want to be associated with NCT? Anyone?

UPDATE: Since rejecting NCT requests to link his own posts there at NCT, Blake has again posted at NCT. Make sense? Only if you are running a blog with so little clout that you will gladly sell your own soul and eat humble pie day and night in exchange for the tiniest bit of credibility that might transfer through osmosis. NCT permabores anonymously LOLing at Blake's posting are only nervously trying to hide the facts. LOL all you like, you are still rejects. Shame on me, Snarkimus Prime, for assuming Geoff would have enough spine to stand up to Blake's obvious affront. Never again will that mistake be made, oh Jelly Fish of the MoArchipelago.

They call me MISTER Greenwood!!!

2007-09-05T05:24:00.000-06:00

Here we were hoping we were on a first name basis with our little buddy Mr. Greenwood, Esq. Mr. Greenwood, from this point on, we expect you return the favor and refer to us (the royal we) as Mr. Prime, thank you very much.

Tales from the Crapper

2007-09-01T20:50:00.000-06:00

Kage is running out of novel material, so she is taking a page from the FMH manual of Standard Operating Procedures and posting on her bathroom habits. Way to keep it classy, girl. How long before she totally sells out FMH style and starts talking about her sex life and how often she jills off?

P.S., Kage, honey, you can sit there and pretend you don't read SnarkerNacle, but there is no way you can convince us you can possibly keep yourself from reading about yourself. Call it a hunch.

Don't Let Facts Get in the Way!

2007-08-29T09:34:00.001-06:00

Nephrite does not equal Nephite, Jaedite does not equal Jaredite, blah blah blah! Needless discussion!

Kaimi neglects to recognize the truthiness of President Gonzales' missionary experience. Perception is everything. It's certainty in the uncertain world of missionary life.

Steve Evans' Recommend Interview

2007-08-24T08:48:00.000-06:00

Although I usually hesitant to double snark a single Nacle Post, for Steve Evans, I’ll make an exception.

Steve has made it clear he doesn’t like George W. Bush. I’m sure if Nancy Pelosi held an open call for lawyers willing to impeach the president, Steve would run over Bambi to be first in line.

Let’s leave aside for the moment the fact the country is at war with a ruthless enemy whose goal in life is to behead all beardless men and burka-less women. The biggest threat to world peace isn’t Islamofacism, but rather the Evil Bush Cabal.

Steve isn’t concerned about the creeping influence of Sharia on the world his children will live in. He’s worried that somehow, some Bush/Cheney/Rove sympathizer might somehow slip some Rovian-seeded thoughts into his children’s Primary lesson.

To pre-empt this possibility, Steve has come up with a “pre-recommend” interview to be given prior to the actual temple recommend interview and weekly thereafter (as opposed to the bi-yearly recommend interview – after all, those interviews “don’t pick up on every moral ill.”).

1. Did you vote for the evil Bush Cabal in 2000? If so, have you completed the requisite repentance steps inclusive of the requisite personal declaration that Al Gore should now be President?

2. Do you now, or have you ever, sympathized with, given aid or comfort to, or otherwise supported any policy put forth by the Bush/Cheney/Rove Regime? Such behavior includes, but is not limited to blatantly driving a gas guzzling SUV with a Bush/Cheney 2000/2004 bumper sticker, spending your tax cut money however you see fit, and last but certainly not least, outwardly displaying anything which can remotely be construed as [gasp] Republican.

3. Have you physically participated in an Anti-Bush rally? If no, please give a detailed explanation for your behavior.

4. Do you believe Dick Cheney is a Sith Lord? If not, why not?

5. Were you responsible in any way, shape, manner or form for the evil Bush/Cheney/Rove Cabal’s return to power in 2004? If so, have you performed the modern equivalent to a “sack-cloth and ashes” ritual to atone for this evil act?

And here I thought the left side of the political (and Nacle) sphere was supposed to embrace “diversity of thought” and refrain from judging others. So much for acceptance of and tolerance for any views which diverge from their own.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go write the Waterboarding manual for the High Priest's Group.

Grade Deflation

2007-08-24T06:30:00.000-06:00

I understand the importance of getting good grades, but these girls seem to have it backwards. When I was in school, I always tried my best to get A's. B's may get degrees, but C's and D's won't get you into the Y, ladies.

Did You Sing THIS In Primary

2007-08-23T13:51:00.000-06:00

The Snarker spider is the Echelon of the ‘Nacle – endlessly trolling for snarkable material. Today it found this chorus emanating from ZD:

I don't like to see the temple,
I'm not going there today.
'Cause I'm not getting married
and no mission's on the way.

C'mon girls, don't you read the 'nacle? You can still run through your neighborhood in a sports bra without the R.S. sisters juding you . And, your potential husbands can still ogle you like sweaty construction workers.

fMh Reader Poll...

2007-08-23T10:58:00.000-06:00

Justifiable PPI Tactics

2007-08-22T15:02:00.000-06:00

Steve Evans is alarmed that waterboarding was developed and sanctioned by people who could be sitting in his very own church meetings. Steve obviously hasn't heard that these tactics were refined while these guys served in local ward callings. They had some of the best home teaching stats anywhere, let me tell you.

Setting: The PPI. No tablecloth or refreshments. Two folding chairs, one table with velcro tie-restraints, 50-gallon culinary-grade water storage container from "BePrepared.com".

EQP: Brother Jones, thank you for taking time to meet with me today.

Jones: No problem. Hey, what's with the water tank?

EQP: Never mind that, Brother Jones. Just answer the questions and we'll have you outta here in a jiffy. Tell me, how are your home teaching families?

Jones: They're doing great.

EQP: Really... So, you're visiting them regularly?

Jones: Oh, definitely.

EQP: So... you were there last month?

Jones: Last month, let's see... uhhh.. yeah, I probably saw them last month.

EQP: Uh huh. Are you sure?

Jones: Uhhhm, sure.

EQP: (Sighs) Brother Jones, I want to believe you. I'm willing to look past the blue shirt, the mix-and-match suit colors, even your lace-free loafers. But I received an email from Sister Hadley--just yesterday--asking "Who are my home teachers?" Why would she ask that, Brother Jones, if you just visited her?

Jones: Dementia?

Door opens, three men enter.

EQP: You will remember my "counselors", I'm sure. The guy in the middle is my secretary. Brethren, let's get started. Strap him down.

Jones: Wait!! Wait!! I'll talk! Okay, okay, I admit.. I have no idea who Sister Hadley is. I wouldn't know her if I tripped over her! I promise I'll do my home teaching next time, just give me one more chance!

EQP: That's better, Brother Jones. Thank you for your willingness to serve.

FMH-Inclusive Womyn Prophet Lyrics

2007-08-21T05:35:00.000-06:00

Lisa was a prophet, tho she surely did not know,
Isaiah ain't got nuthin when mind puke she does blow;
Nudge them True Blues out, she attacks the orthodox,
She will blog forever on a disconnected box.

Follow the Bloggers, Follow the Bloggers, Follow the Bloggers,
marriage should be gay.
Follow the Bloggers, Follow the Bloggers, Follow the Bloggers,
priestess should hold sway.

Hmmm, looks like the Bloggernacle will end up in number 8, or maybe 7. Tough call.

Wrongful Exposure of Bloggery

2007-08-17T05:12:00.000-06:00

A woman used the Bloggernacle to talk about her unorthodox religious views with her girlfriends. Despite her explicit instructions to keep the matter secret from her mother, relatives of said woman let on to her mother that she was blogging in public on her unorthodox views. Mother investigated and ended up discovering her daughter’s unorthodoxy. They’re estranged and the woman is suing WordPress for damages.

Even if her jurisdiction does not make blogging a crime, the suit should be dismissed. The fact that the law does not prohibit a conduct does not mean that one has a legally compensable right to the conduct.

LDSdefect really is defective

2007-08-16T06:44:00.000-06:00

We like to joke here that LDSelect is LDSdefect, but that joke has become literally true for the past few days. I think it is on day 3 of irritating "You are being redirected" links you have to click to get through in Firefox and 404 errors in IE6. DKL, I realize you are a busy guy counting your imaginary millions, but can you fix the website please? Or are you too busy coming up with your next blog post about wanking? I mean, when a Snarker has to use the MoArch to get around, you are just being sadistic, and that is not cool.

P.S., DKL, you are temporarily exempted from the banning here at SnarkerNacle for this one post only so you can attempt to explain yourself, although I don't see how you can as long as your site is dang busted.

Mormen Venality

2007-08-14T04:49:00.000-06:00

When it comes to poop, nobody can hold a candle to FMH. So, MorMen has sold it soul and branched out into all things penile. Wanking and whizzing is where its at when it comes to the guys there. Next up on Springer: Circumcision and foreskin reconstruction, genital piercing and codpieces, and the men who love talking about them. If this ruse is successful in increasing MM's traffic, FMH will take up the "V" theme with relish in the continuing "Least Common Denominator Rules" battle for ratings.

The Class-less Side Of the Naccle

2007-08-12T20:53:00.001-06:00

For those of you Nacclites living under a rock or a remote corner of Death Valley, you might not know about Friday’s passing of President James E. Faust, Second Counselor in the First Presidency.

Most of the Naccle behaved in an honorable fashion – several posted tributes to the late Apostle. I’m sure I’ve missed a few and for that I apologize.

Upon hearing of President Faust’s passing, I couldn’t help but wonder how long it would take some Nacclite to start the “Who’s Got Next” guessing game. Most church members I associate with seemed to think the most appropriate time to start that exercise in the hypothetical would be sometime after the funeral. I tend to agree.

Sadly, the class-less-ness of the Naccle reared its head before funeral arrangements could even be made. Here are the winners:

First place – Our Thoughts (or lack thereof). Kim’s post hit the wires at 3:17 pm EST.

Runner up is found at BCC where Natalie wasted little time hoping the next apostle will have a background in something other than business or law. The Church is a multi-billion dollar transnational entity and she wants to disqualify the two fields of study most likely to be useful at the top echelons of its leadership. Of course, the obligatory “it can’t be a she (yet)” comment was included.

Sigh.

Natalie waited almost a full twelve hours to post her “what’s next” piece.

There’s something wrong with those who can’t even give the Faust family and the Church but a few hours to mourn the passing of such a great man before they set about wondering who will fill his chair.

You are so smart, Mahzeepan

2007-08-10T16:15:00.000-06:00

I have wanted to snark the comments on this ExmoII thread, but couldn't come up with anything other than "Hey, let's all talk about how smart we are, and take President Hinckley totally out of context so we can badmouth the Church". So the Brothers Chaps did it for me. I can totally see the conversations between Caroline and her husband as figments of her imagination. And Kaimi's comment definitely got him so extra extra-closetal blogging time on the family puter.

BiV:"I know this Symposium is true"

2007-08-10T04:48:00.000-06:00

Bored in Vernal, of the "notapostate" blog, is attending the Sunstone Symposia in SLC and, GA's be damned, she wants to bear her testimony that the Sunstone Symposia is inspired! According to her own testimony Ms. BiV "just felt the Spirit stronger than I have in the past year" (been to Church or the Temple lately? Maybe you don't feel the Spirit there because they will not allow you give Priesthood blessings and anoint people?). Now, BiV, let me get this strait here. You felt the spirit at a presentation by a non-member who was critical of the LDS Church leadership because of trite, rehearsed jargon and failing to take ownership, who felt dissidents were the most interesting subjects and who praised Joseph Smith's ruthlessness and experimentation with his many selves. Right. Yeah. Sure. Now which spirit is it that you felt? Would any of the other Bloggernacle participants there at Sunstone like to bear their testimonies too?

With so many Bloggernacle regulars there at Sunstone, you have to wonder whether Sunstone has infected the Nacle or the Nacle has overrun Sunstone. Which is worse? Aside from that, with such overlap, what does that really say about the two groups?

Quimby:True FMH Prophetess of Gay Marriage

2007-08-07T05:09:00.000-06:00

These activists, who do not pay tithing to the LDS Church, are against Teen Sex Education and are actively working to spread FUD by teaching kids romantic feelings can result in pregnancy. They all failed Biology 101, but are zealous in their cause.

Despite the explicit request of EmilyS to not make it a discussion on Gay Marriage, Quimby, in comment 36, wants to let everyone know the LDS Church has got it wrong because she has fasted and prayed about it and has a testimony that Gay Marriage as a civil right is consistent with the teachings and example of Jesus Christ (since Jesus was a civil rights leader in his time, overthrowing the Romans so the Jews might enjoy political autonomy and freedom of religion, and given his clear and consistent practice of advocating special interest rights and endorsing non-traditional marriage, I think she has a point there).

But when RachelH comes out against Gay Marriage in comment 59, she is told to get off Gay Marriage and get on topic by EmilyS in comment 60.

Perhaps Quimby should fast and pray about the comment policies at FMH and let the faithful Mormons who go to FMH know what God's will on them is.

Gay PDA at Church Can Be Funny!

2007-08-06T10:40:00.000-06:00

Like most people, we had forgotten the Millennial Black Hole was still part of the Bloggernacle. Imagine our surprise when someone brought the Gay PDA in Sacrament Meeting thread to our attention. While the subject is no laughing matter, the ensuing comments on this thread are. You can see people say any and all PDA at Church should be met with excommunication, discreet sex in the pews would be OK but noisy sex in the aisles wouldn't, offended gays who castigate Mormons for making their equally unrepentant partners feel unwelcome, and people saying repentance is optional for membership in the Church.

Talk about running the full spectrum here: Everyone should be excommunicated to nobody should be excommunicated.

Fortunately for everyone, this just isn't an issue in practical reality. Unfortunately, the Bloggernacle isn't practical.

Everyone Except Steve Evans Lives Under a Rock

2007-08-03T05:53:00.000-06:00

Being hip is hard. You have to find all this totally obscure, independent film, music and art and then lord it over all your philistine friends and coworkers as a coolness filter. And, of course, what you find cannot suck, or your hipster cred will be shot. Fortunately for Steve, he does not suck (just ask him), as evidenced by his highly evolved and fabulously uber-savvy definition of Hipness:

1) Read Michael Allred's comics,
2) Watch Patton Oswalt's films and comedy,
3) Listen to Irish folk rockers Swell Season, and implicitly listen to NPR and see the movie Once.

If you have not met these criteria, you "live under a rock."

Everyone else is a centipede or roly poly bug, which makes it hard to get to the movies, read comic books or listen to Irish music. Kind of circular logic there, but us bugs cannot think that hard.

Actually, I do not think Steve's criteria are fair. Here is a better one:

1) Defeat the Decepticons, aka Blogging Mormons
2) Be comfortably endomorphic
3) Not be a lawyer

Now that is really cool, Fonzie cool. Oh, and look, Steve has been demoted to a sightless, albino troglodyte. How does it feel, trendmaster?

On the Short List of the Soon-to-be-Ex'd?

2007-08-02T06:53:00.000-06:00

Bloggernacle participants seeking to make a name for themselves by posing as questioning intellectuals will be gathering together in public so as to brand themselves. Join them if you are seeking to create a marketable mystique suitable for media consumption after you get excommunicated.

DMI Dave on BNacle: "90% of it is trash"

2007-07-30T05:29:00.000-06:00

DMI Dave thinks the Bloggernacle is 90% trash. I wonder if he would include his own blog in the 10% non-trash. Assuming Dave is right (we think he is being generous; in our estimate it would be 99% trash), why is the Bloggernacle so filled with trash? Obvious! It is filled with Mormons who think they know better and more than the leaders of the LDS Church, as well as whiners who complain about programs they do little or nothing to support or invest in.

The Bloggernacle should change its name to the CognitiveDissonacle, since complaining about the quality of programs in a lay ministry church means the members are at fault for not participating, not the leaders. And, one of the fundamental tenets of the LDS Church is the leadership is supposed to be inspired by revelation. You know, from God. Not by a bunch of whining malcontents who would extend the hand of fellowship to the unrepentant. An awful lot of people in the Bloggernacle who are down with pop social norms forget repentance, humility, and hard work are required, as in "not optional", in the Atonement. Which is why the Bloggernacle is 90% trash, at least, because it is loaded with people who are prideful and lazy. Guess what? Humble, hard-working members of the Church, the salt of the earth, are entirely too busy serving others selflessly to sit around and moan on the Internet.

FMH G Wants Meaningful Mormon Tats

2007-07-28T05:52:00.000-06:00

FMH G wants to get a tatto that is "beautiful and meaningful", can we suggest:

There is not a Bishop in the Church that would censure you for ignoring President GBH's counsel on body mods with this one.

UPDATE: Postsecret take on tattoos:

FAQ / FLI (Frequently Lobbed Insults)

2007-07-27T12:46:00.001-06:00

Snark? Huh?
Read here. And here.

So what's this site about, anyway?
We exist to help the personalities of the Bloggernacle take themselves a little less seriously.

Why do you always seem to pick on [insert blog/blogger name here]?
Why do they keep providing such easy snark fodder? If it's any consolation, it gets boring repeatedly snarking the same target. We like variety in our diet, too.

Sometimes you're [mean] [offensive] [judgemental].
Just like the Bloggernacle, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

You obviously don't understand that scripture about "judge not lest ye be judged"!
I know, right?

You guys need to [take your meds] [get a girlfriend] [get some action] [etc]!
Agreed.

Who appointed you to be the traffic cops of the 'Nacle?
The Lady of the Lake, her arm clad in the purest shimmering samite held aloft Excalibur from the bosom of the water, signifying by divine providence that we were to carry Excalibur. That is why we are your snarks.

Instead of wasting your time on a blog, shouldn't you be [studying your scriptures] [doing your home teaching] [working] [taking care of your parents/kids/spouse/family] [exercising] [repenting]?
Probably. By the way, nice to meet you Pot; I'm kettle.

Why didn't you snark [insert blog post here]?
Though we aspire to be omniscient, even we snarks have our limitations. You can always send tips to SnarkTeam at gmail dot com.

Who are you guys, anyway?
Let's just say we're concerned citizens of the bloggernacle.

What kind of name is "Dazzle" or "Shizzle"?
Slavic.

Are you guys as good looking as I imagine?
Even more so. We'd post our pictures, but we don't want to be responsible for faithful women leaving their husbands.

Kage's Super Mom Tips:How to Recklessly Endanger you Children

2007-07-26T07:34:00.000-06:00

Kage's little girl made a mess in the bathtub so she

"ran for the camera. I should have let her keep playing...I would have gotten a lot more done...but instead, I cleaned it up, like every good mommy should."

And that is where the "good mommy" thing ended, because she then posted pictures of nekkid little girl on the TftC site. Click a few times and you can head over to her personal blog site and discover the name of the little girl in the pictures if you look around, along with a lot of other pictures. Click on her professional site and you can get all kinds of other personal information.

Kristy, you might as well put a sign up in your window that says "PERVERT WACKO STALKERS APPLY HERE" and then add your name and phone number on the bottom. Some anonymous comments at TftC have asked Kage to edit or remove the pics, but they have gone unheeded. Girl, you are asking for trouble. User your head. Protect your kids. You live in NYC, not on some desert island.

Beating a Dead Stallion...or...um...Mare

2007-07-24T07:22:00.000-06:00

Some months back, we here at SnarkerNacle waged a campaign against Beating Dead Horses and it had seemed to have worked. But, now, stuck in the doldrums of Summertime (i.e., the "Horse Latitudes" if you will), the practice has returned. Here is the current poor, expired horse being lacerated ad infinitum:

Are Women More Innately Spiritual Than Men?

While I cannot hardly wait for the M0 point of view, I do look forward to the next installment of Rusty's bannerrific lampoon thereof.

I don't know about the answer to that question, but as far as blogs go, as long as FMH is around, nobody in the Bloggernacle can seriously argue women bloggers are more innately righteous.

UPDATE: Dehlin jumps on the glue factory wagon.

Mormon [Doesn't] Matters

2007-07-23T08:17:00.000-06:00

DKL, in his usual self-effacing manner, wants to point out what a great thing Mormon Matters is. Natch, he is part of the "celebrity panel" for this edition, so while it might have always been a great thing this is the first time he plugs it. Coincidence?

To boil it down, Mormon Matters is John Dehlin, Blogcaster Extraordinaire, interviewing Bloggernacle regulars on current Mormon topics. Yes, that is right. You can not only read the ruminations of Bloggernacle regulars, you can also hear them ruminate. Wow. Can I tell you how long I have been wanting to hear DKL's voice? But, wait, no, it is hip, because it is a podcast!!! So that makes it better how?

The whole point of blogging is readers can weigh into the discussion. This Mormon Matters podcast thing takes it back to old-school broadcast and makes it impossible for listeners to participate. May as well be listening to the radio in your car as far as participatory discussion goes.

So, in other words, Mormon Matters is a Bloggernacle vanity project where Nacle regulars get to hear the sound of their own voice on their computer, which is music to their own ears. Right, DKL?

Kevin Barney:Chick Magnet

2007-07-20T04:39:00.000-06:00

Kevin Barney posts:

...when I was clerking at a law firm after my second year of law school, and apparently the other clerk, a woman, was crushin’ on me a little bit, just assuming that I wasn’t married since I didn’t wear a ring. When she asked me out...

Occasionally women have shown an interest in me over the years (it seems to happen on the train from time to time for some reason)...

It's not your money, it's not your rugged jaw line, it's not your theology. It's your watch. Some girls just go for a Target Timex.

UPDATE:

Kevin as a Simpsonesque cartoon character. Hmmmm. Improvement over the original, or no?

Dialogue About Kaimi's BCCness Envy

2007-07-19T05:06:00.001-06:00

Zo, Kaimi, you zeem to have diz perziztent preoccupation mit Dialogue, ya? Conzidering vich article iz bezt, I can underztand diz, but poztal rates affecting zirculation? Diz zeems a bit...vat do I call it? Obzezzive? Poztal raights have gone up in zee past and it haz conzerned no one, yes? Vy now be conzerned? Hmmm? Dis Dialogue, I am perzonally unfamiliar mit it, but dis magazine, it is mit BCC, yes? Your arch enemy? Your rival? Do you feel angry zey are mit BCC and not your blog? Hmmm? Zo, Kaimi, tell me about your Mother.