Well, yeah, since Deutch is old hat (except for extended versions of his analogy) and Cheney's commencement address is over, everyone has to rush to the next current events topic and blog on it (I am not even going to bother to link to them all as I would get CTS clicking all the links). Mormons obsessing about how non-Mormons perceive them. Yawn. At least they aren't trying to kill us, right. Anything short of that is a good thing, even if it isn't CES correlated, but, then, if it was, all the Bloggernacle would really complain about it then.

No doubt, there will be a dozen similar follow-up posts Monday night and Tuesday night, with running commentary on every subtle nuance and every possible offense, real or imagined, being catalogued ad nauseum.

Yawntastic TV yields yawntastic blogging.

Guest Post: Vice President Dick Cheney

Dear Mr. Head,

I would like to take a moment to thank you for your letter. I want to assure you I appreciate the time and effort you have put in to committing yourself and your fellow Mormons to supporting the cause of Democracy with more than words. Anyone who is willing to give up Soccer on the Television and Rye Crisps to blog is, without question, a true patriot and an evangelist of Democracy.

Mostly, I want to express my heartfelt gratitude for your exceptional magnanimity in committing the Mormons of Utah to enlist in the U.S. Military to support the War Against Terror. I am confidant that if you too were an American Citizen, like those whom you have volunteered, you would enlist in the Marines so as to support the Cause of Freedom.

Why am I so confidant of this? Because it is plain to me that you are not like all the other blogger who just sit around an complain and whine ad nauseum. No, you are a man of action, and like your fellow Mormon bloggers, you don't just sit around and fire up the bellows of contention with empty rhetoric that accomplishes nothing at all. No, you actually do stuff and take action and get things done to make the world a better place for everyone, not just yourself.

Which is how I know you are a man like me, a man of action. So, my brother in arms, I welcome you and all of your Mormon brothers into the ranks of those who will do and not just talk, who will act and not just plan, who will get off their lardy posteriors and do something substantive, rather than just watch telly and whinge day in and day out.

Continue to put your shoulder to the wheel, Mr. Head. And, I do look forward to seeing all those fine young Mormon Return Missionaries lining up at the Armed Forces Recruiting offices which you have sent them to.

Very Sincerely Yours,

John Dehlin wants to know why LDS Family Services doesn't treat cases of "severe trauma" caused by LDS history and doctrine. Apparently people are bashing their brains out, self-immolating, being viciously assaulted by home teachers and missionaries, and generally experiencing a lot of excruciatingly painful injuries over Mountain Meadow Massacre, Blacks and the Priesthood, and Polygamy.

Last I heard lacerations, head wounds, arterial perforations, concussions, contusions and all other serious internal and external damage was best treated at your local Emergency Room. For all severe trauma you really should call the appropriate authorities, John, and not LDS Family Services. It is rather irresponsible of you to suggest the LDS community, even disaffected members thereof, call LDSFS instead of 911 when there are serious injuries to be dealt with.

FMHLisa is soliciting funds to keep FMH online, and all people eager to subvert the LDS Church will be eager to do so. FMHLisa says:

*Or consider purchasing an fMh t-shirt or bag. (We get one dollar per item). I love the women’s raglan myself. Order one size larger (they run small). The bags are perfect for cheerioes, quiet toys, and subtle subversion that’ll bring a smile to your face. Remember mother’s day is coming up (may I suggest the fMh thong for grandma).

Yeah, be tres chic in Sacrament Meeting with your quiet toys, cheerios for the toddlers, and FMH tote bag that lets everyone hip know you actively support the overthrow of the very oppressive patriarchy you are currently participating in.

Either FMHLisa has finally come clean on what her agenda is, or she doesn't know what the word "subvert" means. Not sure which is more likely, given FMH is a safe harbor for malcontents and Ex-Mos.

Either way, Granny G-strings aren't the kind of market branding that is likely to generate revenue (I would ask Dazzle to Photoshop a spoof on that one, but it would result in so many people spontaneously gouging out their eyeballs with whatever sharp instrument is immediately available it would effectively destroy the Bloggernacle's readership.), so maybe someone with some marketing experience will be kind enough to assist Ms. Subversion in coming up with a better ploy.

Guest post by Snarkette

Hey everybody, nice to be back. Thanks! I needed to step back onto the scene for a quick dip into the Snark Tank because one of my favorite bloggers, whom I must admit I read pathologically, has crossed the line. Which line? The Lady Line, the Red Rubicon. And all you gals out there know exactly which line I am talking about.

That's right. I am calling you out, Kage. Writing a post like that while you are grappling with your sanity is only going to give all the guys out there an excuse to be all "You are so OTR!" whenever we get justiably pissed off at them for watching TV when they should be helping out. And dismissing the idea that you might another baby as just nothing at all? Great, so how many husbands are going to read that and be all, "Oh, it will pass, it is just hormonal." If you know you are out of control, and have all your stuff together enough to sit there and write about it, then you are not so out of it that you cannot realize you are throwing gas on an open fire here. And, besides, you are totally posting to a public arena, and most women know enough to be a little more discreet than that. I know you like to be all edgy and stuff, but you have crossed over into the Yuck Zone.

We here at SN were duly chastized for referencing FMH's bigness in terms of female-big qualities. Apparently a blog dominated by female issues takes exception to being defined in female-oriented terminology.

So we now bring you, the gender-neutral Bloggernacle Aircraft Allegory!

By Common Consent = Boeing 747 (big airplane, widely used, and its made in Washington State!)
Times and Seasons = L-1011 (big plane, lots of capacity, used to be important, but has been mothballed by the airlines)
Feminist Mormon Housewives = Airbus A380 (Big! BIGGER!! BIGGEST EVER!!! And, made by the Bush-hating French)


Let's listen in to Bloggernacle Air Traffic Control (ATC)...


ATC: BCC Flight 1830, descend and maintain 13,000 feet.

BCC1830: Roger, descend and maintain 1-3-0.

ATC: M-star 000, contact 'Nacle departure on 122.4.

Radio: [static]

ATC: They must have switched over already?

ATC: FMH 380, descend and maintain 11,000 feet.

FMH380: Who the hell are you?

ATC: Uhhh, FMH 380-Heavy, this is the Nacle approach channel--descend and maintain 11,000 feet.

FMH380: First you insult my weight, now you tell me what to do? I don't have to listen to you just because you're a man.

ATC: FMH 380, in controlled airspace federal regulations require that you follow instructions given by...

FMH380: Come, see the benevolent sexism inherent in the system!! Up yours, you sexist pig. I didn't vote for those regulations.

ATC: Okay, I'll bite. Why is this sexist?

FMH380: How dare you ask a question like that! That only proves how sexist you are!

ATC, to coworker: Scramble the standby's for an inbound hostile escort.

ATC: FMH 380, turn right bearing 2-7-0 and hold.

FMH380: Turn right? Why should I trust you? Because you have a penis and I don't?

ATC: Sometimes the advice you get is for your own benefit. Quit being so stubborn.

FMH380: I'm not turning. We're perfectly fine on our present course. We have lots of people onboard. Men, even!

ATC: [sighs] Suit yourself.

FMH380: Nacle approach, what's that in front of us?

ATC: The Great Mountain of Imminent Irrelevance. Turn right bearing 2-7-0.

FMH380: [male computer voice, in background]: Terrain, terrain. Pull up, pull up.

FMH380: Never! Your male-dominated culture of intimidation and manipulation will not deter us from...

[distant rumbling, ground trembles slightly]

ATC: FMH380? FMH380?

ATC, to coworker: Obviously a major malfunction.

So let me get this straight.

Richard Dutcher's films are poignant, provocative, and inspired.

Kieth Merrill's films are badly-scripted, sentimentally manipulative and schmaltzy.

*sigh* And I had such high hopes that Christmas Jars the Movie would be edgy and progressive.

Richard Dutcher chose to make a special guest appearance on a flattering BCC post to, naturally, talk about himself, at length. As blogging tends to encourate narcissism, this is completely understandable. Steve Evans is no doubt begging Richard at this very moment to do a KulturSpew director interview. But, aside from that, Dutcher's comment offers some interesting and penatrating insights into Mormondom:

1) Mormons love to hunt and kill ex-mos, character assasination is de rigeur, but, even so, Richard loves Mormons, cherishes his memories of Mormons and generally wants to hug and kiss the people who want to cast him as the spawn of satan that he is (can't let him down now, can I?),

2) He, Richard, knows more, a lot more, about Mormon History (especially when it comes to apostates who leave with "justifiable cause", because they, like he, are complex men with complex lives that are not easily discerned by simpletons like us) than you do, you silly, pathetic Sunday School student who buys what CES sells, hook, line and sinker,

3) He, Richard, is really not a bad guy at all (he isn't gay, smoking meth [are you sure about that? because I could have sworn I saw a picture of you on here last week], and isn't cheating on his wife, although he does fantasize about Jennifer Aniston and Angeline Jolie and his equally beautiful wife and himself... errr... um... playing a rousing game of cribbage together, which is just a little joke on his part, so apparently his biggest sin is not being even remotely funny or clever when it comes to self-depricating jokes), but is really quite the epicurean who could educate you on fine, exotic dark beers and fine, exotic dark teas, if you weren't such a moronic sap who fails to love Joseph Smith and Gordon B. Hinkley and the LDS Church in the manner in which he does, which manner allows him to have respect and good feelings for them but ignore what they teach and advocate, particularly when it comes to things that are fine and exotic,

4) He, Richard, is so spiritually enlightened he can quote Buddha and draw on Eastern Religion to make lame analogies to religious life and spiritual journeys being crossing rivers and getting out of the boat onto dry land and then no longer needing the boat. Well, Richard, how about this analogy:you just crossed the river of filthy water and are hot-footing it on over to the tall and spacious building and cannot carry your boat because you got a six of fine dark Irish beer in one hand and a kettle of fine dark tea in the other,

5) He, Richard, is not leaving the Church because the LDS Community thinks his movies are crap, because they aren't crap, they are critically acclaimed, and even though they didn't really make him a lot of money and the Church didn't ask him to make that new Jospeh Smith film and he wasn't even asked to be part of the Work and the Glory movies, not even as a guest executive associate producer, that really, Really, REALLY isn't why he is leaving the Church, because that isn't it, and he will not talk about it any more, unless you join him in a bar and have a few beers with him, which means you are enlightened (i.e., ex-mo) and therefore capable of really understanding his point of view.

So, there you have it. Richard has let us all into his mind for awhile, and I have to tell you, having never seen any of his movies, I still plan on never seeing any of his movies. For which, I am sure Richard would not share a fine, dark Irish beer with me. But, I, being the monstrous Mormon mercenary Angel of Death I am, will share a fine, dark Irish shillelagh with him!!!! YAAARRGH!!! FOR JOSEPH, BRIGHAM, AND GORDON B!!!!

!!! WARNING !!!
Disclosure: SnarkerNacle has been declared a "cesspool of misogyny". Hey, we're moving up in the world! Okay, so we don't even know what that means--but it sure sounds dangerous, so consider yourself warned and watch your step.

Presenting the FIRST Bloggernacle Brown Nose Award (BNA)!

AngryMormonLiberal has been unanimously voted to be the Bloggernacle's first recipient of the coveted Brown Nose Award. With a proven track record , he was a dead ringer.

Thus, with complete transparency, Team SN awards AML all that he is due. We're certain the gals at FMH will pour AML a nice cold glass of milk to wash down his edible trophy.

Respectfully,
Team SN/BNA Selection Committee

P.S. Just for the record, guy cards are not "surrendered". They are confiscated and shredded into confetti.

Thanks to an opaquely anonymous guest post at FMH, the ‘Nacle has been alerted to the upcoming “Alternative Commencement” at BYU. The author has evidently met with all thirty-five Daily Kos inspired Happy Valley Net Nuts several times – mostly due to the fact none of them have anything resembling a life and therefore have plenty of time to waste in the pursuit of mediocrity.

Unbeknownst to the “swarm” of anti-Cheney protesters, we dispatched Special Agent Snark to take pictures and record the audio from the assembled mass of people. Some listed the number of protestors in the thousands, but these were the same people who counted the Not Quite A Million Man March.

Here’s what Agent Snark recorded for posterity.

I’m a BYU liberal, and I’m okay
I read Kos all night and I whine all day.
He’s a BYU liberal and he’s okay
He reads Kos all night and he whines all day.
I hug my trees. I eat tofu
On the can I use no TP.
On Tuesdays I go protesting
And burn Dick Cheney’s effigy.
He hugs his trees. He eats tofu
On the can he uses no TP.
On Tuesdays he goes protesting
And burns Dick Cheney’s effigy

He’s a BYU liberal and he’s okay.
He reads Kos all night and he whines all day.
Psst. Wanna buy a T-shirt?

Silence, Capitalist Infidel!!!

…

Thanks! I hug my trees. I rant and rave.
I give cool interviews.
I wish I was in Berkeley
Instead of the JKHB!

He hugs his trees. He rants and raves.
He gives cool interviews.
He’d like to be in Berkeley,
Instead of the JKHB.

He’s a BYU liberal and he’s okay.
He reads Kos all night and he whines all day.

I hug my trees. I call Cheney names
Like “Torturer”, “Thief”, and “Criminal”.
I liken him to Hitler.
And worship Hillary!

He hugs his trees, calls Cheney names
Like “Torturer”, “Thief”, and “Criminal”.
He likens Dick to Hitler
And worships Hillary?!?

What’s this? Worships Hillary? And we thought you were so rugged. Thhhpptth!

He’s a BYU liberal and he’s okaaayyy!!
He reads Kos all night and he whiiinnneess aaallllll daaaayyyy!

Author's note: For those of you unfamiliar with Monty Python's Lumberjack skit, first you should be ashamed. Enlighten yourselves here:

Since all of the other blogs on the Bloggernacle are doing it, and doing it, and doing it, and doing it, we have to as well. We hate to be left out. I mean, we would not want to be considered unhip and not all down with the Mormon arts and culture scene, you know? Who wants to be a Mormon Philistine? Not I. So, that is why Snarkimus Prime dons the red beret, glues on the fake goatee, and gets all bohemian.

So this Richard Deutsch guy was apparently pretty influential in the Mormon film and arts scene, and I can totally see why. I mean, being an assistant to the director and all, and playing a drunk kid is pretty...well... impressive... I guess. I mean... it isnt like there are a lot of Mormons who are assistants to the director and playing drunks, you know, so that was being drunk thing was probably a real cinematic stretch for him, since he doesn't drink, right? And getting coffee for the director is tough when you don't even drink it yourself, I mean, yeah, it is pretty hard to get "Light and Sweet" right when you don't even know what that means, and don't even start on that whole "Grande Mocha Latte" thing, which is pretty much Greek for a Mormon, ya know? And his sculpture is pretty cool too. But, it is pretty clear to me that his real talent is in web design, I mean, his homepage is awesome. It is so well done I would ask him to redo the SnarkerNacle LTD blog here if he hadn't just left the Mormon church (since he won't be giving Mormon discounts anymore). Oh well, our loss.

And, so, the worldly world swallows another gifted craftsman whole and plunges them down into yet another sordid remake of The Prodigal Son video.

Those darn kids at FPR might be trying hard to be scholarly, but they sure cannot write fiction or steer clear of pop trends in religion.

Apparently Ms. Mogget recently ran into a gal who had lately married an insensitive boor. Mrs. Newlywed hurt her back and Mr. Newlywed did not care, because he wanted to attend the Stake Temple Day, so he gave her a Priesthood blessing and then told her faith should see her through it and provide her with a learning experience. Apparently what Ms. Newlywed really learned was her husband needs a boot to the head and some alone time in the dog house.

Now, somehow, this learning experience has gone well beyond the blessing's recipient and has taught Mogget, lxxluthor and David J that Heavenly Mother shouldn't defer to her son's, Elohim's (apparently our HF), decision making out of deference to his Priesthood? And, naturally, that means the LDS Church ought to give women the Priesthood (because one guy is making D&C 121:39 a literal reality?). These kids might know their Koine Greek, but they sure don't get the whole logic thing. Shoe-horning your political agenda into an blaring example of isolated stupidity makes about as much sense as the Bloggernacle now wholesale rejecting all graduate students in theology from among its ranks as a result of some of them taking one bad example and using that as an excuse to steady the ark, FMH style.

You rascally, lovable FPR kids, how about you go back to your Biblical exegesis and leave leading the Church to those who actually know what they are doing? Sorry, but one jerk does not a policy make, nor does it make ecclesiastical polity subject to the vox populi.

Connor Boyack was recently diagnosed with an accute bastic failure and in dire need of an emergency transplant because he has been bombing his entirely too much, too hard and without pause.

Normally, abuse of organs is grounds for rejection of application for transplant. But, owing to Connor's relative youth, naivety and over-excitable nature, Doctors have decided to go ahead and authorize a replacement bastic for him in the hopes a more rhetorically mature and magniloquently responsable one can be found. If a donor organ is not found soon, Connor will no doubt face a profound and painful lack of tumid political prose that might effectively serve to silence him.

An anonymous member of Connor's family was quoted as saying, "We realize that someone must sacrifice, some family must suffer a loss, but if our family can benefit thereby, we promise to never allow Connor to visit or communicate with them...ever."

Frank wants all of you poor, naive, self-absorbed, idealistic social activists to come get a dose of reality from the McIntyre Medicinal. Ouch, Perfesser Frank! There I was thinking I could personally put Mal-Wart out of business myself! Oh, well, I am so stupid. I guess I ought to just start shopping there, huh? I will spend all of my money there instead of giving to PETA, Greenpeace, Christian Children's Fund, Amnesty International...and, of course...tithing and the Perpetual Education Fund, since they are so pointless at countering market forces. Because there is nothing, really and truly, nothing substantive I can do about anything. So, yeah, all that stuff Jesus taught about doing whatever was withinin my power to help people and be salty and the little leaven was just a waste of time, because I personally cannot do anything significant to battle market forces. Now I am dismal. If I had only studied Econmics in school, then I would be smart and happy, and be able to understand what the Scriptures taught about market forces and social activism.

Well, it is a little late, but the Official 2007 BCC Permablogger Handbook has finally been published (no doubt after being stuck in committee negotiations for weeks). Naturally, being the haunt of too many lawyers, it is cloaked euphemistically in baking terms to avoid legal liabilities, but anyone in the know can decipher the codes:

Like many others, I make the Supernatural Brownies...and I found the recipe to be almost perfect.

Follow this recipe, it is superior to all others, not to be surpassed or ignored.

No nuts are needed, although some may choose to garnish with the occasional walnut.

Weighty doctrinal matters that require rumination are not essential, but will be entertained on occasion.

They are dark and rich, fudgey but still light.

Posts shall substantive, but not dense or overpowering to the point of putting readers off.

They take a long time to make, but are entirely worth it.

Put the necessary time into your posts to make them of high quality, so you save us all the time of dealing with dumb questions and anonymous trolls.

I add a bit of dark molasses to the recipe to make the flavor more rich,

Add some spice to your posts, something personal, something fun, to add dimension to the content, providing a hook to return readers.

I beat the eggs for what seems like forever, and

Always self-edit your posts repeatedly to eliminate all obvious discernable errors of grammar, spelling and superficies.

I use the best chocolate that I can find (within limits).

Permabloggers from other big blogs can guest post at BCC, but exercise due restraint and diligence, always weighing the political and diplomatic fallout of doing so. But, poaching is discouraged.

It wasn’t until many years later that I sampled a friend’s brownie at a party. There was little else to eat but old artichoke dip and cornnuts,

Do not parrot or mimic other blogs in the Bloggernacle. They are boring. We are different.

and so the brownie was a refuge. But this brownie was different, magical; it was dense and powerful, not all confectioners’ sugar and Betty Crocker mix. I did some research and encountered Supernatural Brownies, and have not looked back since.

The BCC Collective has worked hard to put together a high-quality team that is different from all the rest of the formula Mormon bloggers. Do not produce that same old, boring, standard posts that can be found anywhere. In doing so, BCC will continue to be the best.

Now I find that I welcome discussion and much dissent in my Church of Brownies...If you disagree, then I challenge you to a bake-off

You are welcome to disagree with these rules, but you shall abide them. If you think yours are better, go start your own group blog and see if you can do better.

This week has witnessed a surge of Bloggernacle participants joining other faiths, after prompting by Steve Evans.

The other churches are stunned by the flow of new congregants. Shock and awe, one might say. It would seem, based on some updated church signs in the neighborhood, that they have yet to make up their minds:

For what it's worth, if I weren't Mormon I'd probably be snarking this guy.

P.S. Sorry for the delay in posting this. There was a long line at the confessional since those BCC guys got there before me.

NateO must be on Spring Break as he is filling T&S with all the posts he hasn't been posting all semester (three in a row might be a new T&S record, NateOphiles must be in nirvana). The interesting one is about the upcoming PBS Mormon thing, which, naturally, he lets the Bloggernacle know he was consulted on. But, wait, Margaret Young, one of the T&S newbie-bores, was actually involved in the PBS Mormon thing for reals, and, huh, look at that, she is posting at BCC about it and not T&S. Hmmm. Makes a Snarker wonder.

Did they not want the newbie-bore to upstage their flagship-bore with contributions that are actually substantive? Did one of the other permabores take exception to the newbie-bores obvious distate for MoDoc? Is T&S too PC for the "n" word, even in an obviously historical context? Whatever the reason, they are driving their newbies into the arms of the enemy rather than resolve things amicably amongst themselves. Imagine that!

OK, 25 people weighed in, none of which were members of SN Industries LTD (to the best of my knowledge), and it looks like there is a three way tie:



Voluptuous, Rubenesque and Beached Whale. Well, two outta three ain't that bad. I mean, really, if you are going to be big, you are going to want Peter Paul Ruben to paint you, right? Voluptuous, OK, that isn't exactly an insult. Beached whale, that is not flattering.

Here are the write-in entries:



This one got two entries for the Queen tune "Fat Bottomed Girls", so that deserves at the very least an Honorific Entitling.

As for that link to the Sierra thing at Salon, I guess someone is trying to tell us to stop harassing FMH? Or they are making fun of FMH for being too over the top on this? Not sure, since if it is supposed to be an indictment of us, we didn't do anything the article attacks, so what is the point here? About as clear as the poor quality JPEG rehosting.

Owing to the furor over whether or not FMH is a "big blog" or not, we, the esteemed members of SnarkerNacle, collectively would like to apologize to all the gals, and wannabe gals, at FMH and say "Let them be BIG!"

And, so, having been granted the title "big", we now need to figure out what kind of big, or "How big?"

Hence the "How Big is FMH?" poll.

Make your voice heard!

We all knew the feigned benevolence of DKL was statistically improbable; that a man so-reviled could actually positively contribute to the Bloggernacle community of his own will and volition by creating and maintaining a public aggregator site!



Now, we bring you the BREAKING NEWS that will rock the very foundation of the Nacle:



!!! SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES HIDDEN ON LDSelect !!!



That's right, folks. Thanks to sophisticated technology stolen from a third-world country that still uses an Apple IIe to calculate their GDP, we bring you the following details -- for YOUR protection!



A site just like any other. Or is it?



Let's take a closer look at the suspicious Eye of Horrus in the corner, shall we?




First, we flip horizontally, then vertically invert the image, as shown:



Next, let's blow that up a little bit so we can see better:



STILL don't see the obvious mind manipulation taking place here?

Thanks to the newly acquired 'Nacle SuperMag Lens, we will sharpen the area of interest (click to enlarge):



Danger, danger, folks! Stay away! Enter at your own risk!! You have been warned.