OK, the Bloggernacle Snarker is sick and tired of this idiotic speculation over who he/she/it is, and the smug commenters who think they are so clever. So, it is time to end the speculation and disgorge some details, and then get back to snarking.
First off, let's talk about who the Snarker is. The Snarker is not one person. It is presently a collection of four front people, plus a Bored of Directors. The four front people are composed of one admin and three writers. The admin does write, but not consistently (hence the general 3 posts per day, usually one from each writer). The four front people are mixed gender, three are Mormons, one is not. The Bored of Directors is additional persons, not any of which is the four front people, of mixed gender. The Bored of Directors has no direct editorial control over the content, but they do have the power of smackdown in the event the SnarkerNacle steps over the line. Thus, there is an outside, independent regulatory body monitoring the content.
Second, let's talk about the purpose of the Snarker. SnarkerNacle is here to poke some harmless fun at people who really are big enough to take it. Hey, you go out there into the public, wanting some attention, and you get it. Don't like it, then why in the world are you blogging? In no way is it the intention of the SnarkerNacle to hurt people's feelings, to degrade, or to belittle. The Snarker just wants to have some harmless fun. What? You think you are being unfairly treated? OK, then conact the Snarker privately, and we can work something out. In the past people have been snarked, and have felt unfairly treated, contacted us privately, and we have dealt with the matter expeditiously to the agreement of all involved parties.
OK, now, gentle readers, please go back about your business. You can speculate who the Snarker is all you like, but the truth is, you have all been wrong all along, and there isn't anything that will change that short of us unmasking ourselves. Which there is no point in doing. You see, if the anonymous snarkers were unmasked, then this whole thing would be a pointed personal attack. And that isn't the intent here. The intent is for it to be a pointless, impersonal snark from a harmless source, and just have some fun. Hey, if you cannot laugh at yourself, you have no right to laugh at anyone else.
Oh, yeah, and thanks for reading the Bloggernacle Snarker.
P.S., the SnarkerNacle would also like to point out we receive a lot of tips from non-SN-affiliated Naclers, both small fry and big fishies, some of which are noted as such and some of which the submitters prefer no credit whatsoever. So, a significant portion of the posts are derived from your very own submissions, dear Naclers. So, when you want to figure out who the Snarker is, some of you ought to go and look in the mirror, beloved readers.
I don't know about this. It sounds to me like a modern day version of the Tower of Babel, only they are not building a tower to reach God, they are building a space ship to warp speed to God. So we can expect the Lord to afflict them with incomprehensible speach next. Oh, wait, that has already started.
jInmol 'oH Qo'noS QonoS'e'. tlhIngan Hol jatlhwI'pu'vaD wIcherpu'. naDev vuDmey Daj lutmey Sagh je DalaDlaH, 'ach tlhIngan Hol DayajnIS. Hoch jar chovnatlh chu' wImuch. yIlaD. yIqeq. tugh bIpo'choH.
Apparently Kristen J has never heard of Benadryl and Geoff J has never heard of a WetVac. How can a family with kids, who babysits no less, not have both of these two life (and carpet) savers on hand?
Me? I am working on patenting a new WetVac attachment in the shape of a child's face mask, so when they look like they are ready to pull a Mt. St. Helens on us, we strap on the face mask and turn on the wet vac. No fuss, no muss. Do have them drink some water first, as that helps things come up easier.
The Bloggernacle Snarker is pleased to announce a lurvly new feature here at the Bloggernacle Snarker! We are opening up an advice column for all Naclers, ask whatever you will, Nacle-related or not. And, we, the denizens of snarkerdom, will give you wise, even sage, advice to deal with what ails ya. So, just send in your questions to snarkernacle@yahoo.ca and you will get some of the best advice you ever paid for.
Sadists and Masochists alike rejoice at the painful flailings and thrashing cast back and forth by believers and post-belief skeptics.
Ouch.
What was that about contention being of the gospel...errrrmm...how does that go? Oh, oh, devil...yeah...contention is of the devil. Got it. And if anyone would know the doctrine, they should do the will of the Father? So the knowing is in the doing? Hrrrm. But, that is so hard to do! Yup. It is. But, your not doing it doesn't make the doctrine false, it makes the flesh weak. Ah, the spirit is willing, but this damned natural flesh is such the enemy to God. And, so, the wisdom of men parades itself as philosophy, all the while faulting God for failing to reveal Himself to them on their own terms. And the falsity men see is merely a reflection of their own selves.
A load of Naclers are shouting "HYPOCRITE!" at a guy who cannot hear them. Sounds effective. May as well buy some season tickets and shout "The Jazz sucks!" and bring a couple of cowbells with you.
OK, so lets take a look at a dictionary and see what the word hypocrite means. So did Larry Miller say he loved this movie, and then pull the plug? No. Did he personally select the roster of movies being played? No, not likely. Did he recently attend a meeting of Utah Equality and tell them he was going to cater to their tastes in film? No. So how does him pulling this film make him a "hypocrite"?
Oh, it doesn't? It just makes him inconsistent. Got it. Because he allows other R films to be shown and not this one. But, the film wasn't pulled because it was rated R, it is pulled because of its controversial nature. So how does that make him inconsistent?
Oh, it doesn't? Well, then lets just yell about being pissed off at something because it looks like he is a HOMOPHOBE because he refuses to show an award winning film that shows manly men can be all jiggy wid it and then marry women and then get back together for a little hide tannin and its all good and society's fault these two manly men cannot just ride off into the sunset together to rustle some cattle and be happy in their manliness so they have to marry women in the mean time until they get old and realize they miss their old sweaty, dust covered horse-riding stinky man pals and get together for some "Hey, I sure missed you so I smelled your old clothes for the past 20 years" manly male lovin in a distinctly non-feminite way.
Did it ever occur to anyone this film is just left-wing pro-gay propaganda and Larry Miller doesn't want anything to do with it because its a firebrand in conservative-dominated Utah, and being a savvy businessman he doesn't want to have to deal with all the garbage because he has better things to do with his time? Should he stop showing rated R movies? I am sure he will, as soon as all of you Mormons there in Utah stop going and seeing them.
Monolithic Megafauna of the TTLB Ecosystem, Times & Seasons has been demoted to an "Isle of the Sea" on ldsblogs.org, the index page for the Mormon Archipelago. Formerly on par with BCC and M*, it is now grouped together with VivaNedFlanders, a Motley Vision and Issues in Mormon Doctrine, which is largely defunct.
Boy oh boy, there has got to be some really great juicy gossip going on behind the scenes on this one. Unfortunately, the SN is not plugged directly into that grapevine. Will someone in the know please e-mail me the dirt at snarkernacle@yahoo.ca? The person to unload the biggest wheelbarrow full of dirty laundry gets a MStP t-shirt via zazzle.
The SnarkerNacle is loving this new Tales from the Crib blog, especially the anti-gravity advice and the confessions of child neglect, complete with pics Child Protective Services will use to abduct their children and put them in foster care.
We cannot wait for them to take on topics like "Why the Diaper Genie is a crappy as the crap it is supposed to contain", "The 27 reasons Huggies are better than Pampers", "Toilet Training Terrors", and "How to get more free formula in the mail". If they keep it up, they will overtake FMH as the edgiest femblog on the Nacle (sorry MMW, you all are nowhere near the edge).
Its so sad to see people confess their sins online, rather than through the appropriate lines of Church authority. Susan M, and some of her readers as well, confess to harboring some serious covetousness when it comes to rugged New England-type men and the rugged New England-type furniture they sequester. Its not like their husbands couldn't stop shaving, put on some flannels, quit their jobs, and then make really cool furniture if they only had a shop in the backyard with half a million dollars in woodworking powertools in it. Any lunkhead man could make great furniture with that setup, it would be impossible not to. Throw a tree in one side and out pops a five piece bedroom set, complete with cherry stain.
Rumor has it Feminist Mormon Housewives is changing its name to Unsubstantiated Rumor Mill. My sister's best friend's cousin's uncle's nephew is married to the Prophet's niece's dog's groomer, and she said the LDS Church was going to ban teenage girls altogether because they giggle alot, waste a lot of everyone's time, run up phone bills, and are entirely too tempting to teenage boys and RMs. Yes, its true, I read it on FMH. And, no freakin way, like my hair stylist said his boyfriend's Nordstrom personal shopper also shops for one of the First Quorum of the Seventy and he has instructed him to not purhcase any more wool jackets or slacks, so yes, the LDS Church is going to enforce the OT Law of Moses ban on mixing wool and cotton and restart animal sacrifices too!
Is this the Nacle's Chaucer or Shakespeare? Not since the mighty ancient fathers of Western Lit have put quill pen to paper have there been words of such stunning import, of such monolothic proportions, of such timely relevance. Eliot, Thoreau, and Milton hang their collective heads in shame at this beautiously effervescent and stunningly poigniant evidence as to why blogging is here to stay and the Nacle is relevant to our lives.
Yesterday was apparently Bloggernacle Self-Promotion Day. Not sure if this is going to be a weekly "every Wednesday", monthy "First Wednesday", or yearly First Annual Self-Promotional Nacle Self-Indulgence Day, or what?
Regardless of what frequency it ends up being (Isn't every day on a blog a self-promoting day of gross self-indulgence anyway? HEY, HEY LOOK AT ME, READ MY BLOG! Yesterday, it was just alittle more flagrant.) we got to see Rusty shill for The Man, TMILisa go for the gold, and Clark pander for SnarkerNacle face time while self-linking dangerous thoughts not of his own creation (I don't know about you, but we here at SN would be interested in seeing some of Clark's own original thoughts he deems "dangerous", now that would be snarkworthy!).
UPDATE: 9M has just picked up a celebrity endorsement! Wallace & Gromit heartily endorse Rusty as their favourite Nacle blogger and will be underwriting all production from this point onward. It is safe to assume 9M will have a certain pungent aroma about it from now on.
According to this news report, many Mormons who completed the Book of Mormon by the end of the year cheated! Hmmmm. We wonder how many of these "readers" were letter of the law readers or spirit of the law readers.
Darth Beth announced on BCC that her entirely too light, almost Barbie-like, locks are to be darkened, in accordance with her recent enlistment to the Dark Side. Rumor has it she will also be getting some rather large and scary tattoos on her arms and back, depicting Mace Windu's loss to Darth Sidious and a "BCC" inside her lower lip and S-T-E-V-E E-V-A-N-S across the thumb and fingers of her right and left hand.
OK, Clark isn't your typical "guy", he's a physicist who likes to dabble in philosophy and the mystical side of religion. Still, we would expect something a little less laborious (scroll down to comment 17) on the back of the tank, unless of course one spends more time there than the average person, which might suggest a little help is needed. But, you know, on the other hand, if Clark spent more time in the loo, maybe he would violate the Sabbath less.
Thx anon tipster.
Apparently, both NDBF Gary and NFlanders have forgotten playing cards at all is evil because face cards are satanic. President Joseph F. Smith has given this wholesome advice:
While a simple game of cards in itself may be harmless, it is a fact that by immoderate repetition it ends in an infatuation for chance schemes, in habits of excess, in waste of precious time, in dulling and stupor of the mind, and in the complete destruction of religious feeling. These are serious results, evils that should and must be avoided by the Latter-day Saints. Then again, there is a grave danger that lurks in persistent card playing, which begets the spirit of gambling, of speculation and what awakens the dangerous desire to get something for nothing.
Card playing is an excessive pleasure; it is intoxicating, and therefore, in the nature of a vice. It is naturally the companion of the cigaret and the wine glass, and the latter leads to the poolroom and the gambling hall. Few men and women indulge in the dangerous pastime of the card table without compromising their business affairs and the higher responsibilities of life. Tell me what amusements you like best and whether your amusements have been a ruling passion in your life, and I will tell you what you are. Few indulge frequently in card playing in whose lives it does not become a ruling passion.
Close quote, from Joseph Fielding Smith, Answers to Gospel Questions, v. 1, p. 194.
Whoa, I am both awestruck and amazed. We were convinced, CONVINCED I TELL YOU, that DMI Dave was a card-carrying member of the John Birch Society and a regular Iron Rodder. But, NO! He isn't, and he wants you to know that once and for all he doesn't listen to Rush Limbaugh, ever, despite the "Conservative Links" on his blogroll. I guess that cements his left wing cred with the BCC crowd.
Oh, no, not again. Yes, let us all once again rehash whether or not Mormons are Christians. Ugh. Over at BCC, they talk some about who owns the definition, which gets to the core of the controversy. But, like a blind batter wildly swinging at anything coming across the plate, they continue to miss the obvious definition. But, hey, why bother to check in with Jesus on something like this? Not like he would have anything to say on the matter.
I have no idea what a eulallia is, but its now the name of a blog that just got listed onto LDS & Mormon Blogs. Its great, let me tell you, I learned a lot more about cramps there, so I am guessing its going to be a hot spot for the FMH crowd.
And, for all those salivating for the full dose of daily snark and gossip, we will be back full time, full bore and full blast starting tommorrow, when all the little sprogs are back in their institutional learning facilities.
Did I mention how cool Kurt Bestor is, and that Kurt Bestor is like so awesome, especially since he visited my awesome little blog and wrote an amazingly insightful and prescient comment about matters of transcendent widsom that are so amazingly amazing, I just need to brown nose him and fawn over him a little bit more. Thanks, Kurt Bestor, my friend (can I call you my friend? Thanks man).
Thx anon tipster.
