Sorry, Jules, I really don't get sarcasm.

Last month fmhLisa's sex toy comment caused me to scrub my eyes with bleach. She seems to have another case of TMI-tis. (FWIW I didn't get past the first sentence)

I usually try to steer clear of any particular story of conversion to the gospel. Everyone has their own personal story – some make for better reading then others, but to each his/her own. Likewise I’m usually hesitant to comment on anyone’s “de-conversion” or “de-activation”. Some call it a “crisis of faith” or “coming to grips with why women aren’t allowed to say a closing prayer in sacrament meeting”.

Simply put, there are other ‘nacle posts worth reading.

Of course, then there’s John Remy. I’m sure he’s got an interesting story as to what led to him getting a letter from his Stake President inviting him to come down to the Stake Center for a conversation with the Pres and the High Council. Something having to do with having “been in apostasy”.

Bummer, dude. That’s a pretty high bar to clear these days.

Some people quietly fade into apostasy, but not John Remy. He’s posted his top five reasons why he won’t just leave the scene – not without getting every last ounce of internet spotlight he can. Reading this chronicle is almost like listening to the guy plead his case to the undertaker in Monty Python’s Search for the Holy Grail. I’m willing to hazard a guess that John won’t be stone cold ex’d by Thursday.

This leaves me with just one question for Brother Remy, and I found an excellent medium of communication for it.



And again, for the record, we here at the Snarkernacle like girls with big…blogs.

What do you mean the Bloggernacle Won't Save Me?! And what exactly do you mean by "the Bloggernacle can be deceptive"?

Are you telling me that I should have been going to church, reading my scriptures, and paying tithing this WHOLE time?

And those people living in my house... uh, I forget her name, that woman... she has those kids who resemble me... you mean... I should spend time with them? But what about getting published in Dialogue?

Look, I read that article in the Ensign and MMORPG's aren't anything like the Bloggernacle! So the Bloggernacle has been practically endorsed by the brethren. I mean, Elder Ballard is totally into blogging!

P.S. But I TOTALLY agree about how cool it is to get a response from a perma! It's like a total thrill going up my leg! Once, a perma actually asked me for my email address! Swoon!

The Segullah Sisters are having a heated conversation over the legitimacy of "enhancement" surgery.

The real debate on this post is in the comments where I had to bite my tongue to keep from adding the comments that crossed my red blooded American mind. After talking it over with Rev. Dazzle, we've concluded that we'll add this one comment to the mix:

Here at the Snarkernacle, we like girls with big...blogs.

Suddenly, being on Facebook doesn't seem as hip as it used to.

Some people might say, "Sing a hymn!" (just steer clear of "As Sisters in Zion" and "We Meet Again As Sisters")

Whenever tempted, just remember:

We Snarkers are always on the lookout for ways to help our fellow Bloggernaclites solve their dilemmas. Sometimes we can help. Oft times we can’t. When we came across Bored In Vernal’s Boob Conundrum, being the red-blooded American males that we are, we just had to try.

Thus it is with great pride that we introduce a solution for BIV’s “saggy sack” dilemma. We tried getting Billy Mays to pitch this product for us, but it turns out he’s no longer commercially available. Thus we introduce the Select Comfort Boob Number device. No need to go through painful cosmetic surgery!

Pick your size and firmness level – adjust at your leisure. Go from baseball filled knee high socks to porn-star ready in ten seconds or less. Too soft? Use the wireless remote for trouble free inflation. Rock hard? Use the easily accessible yet unobtrusive relief valve.

Of course, there is the problem of couples who have different “comfort” levels.

We hope you’ll both come to a mutually agreeable “boob” number.

And remember, we’re here to help.

People, it's a joke!

It's okay if you didn't get the humor. There's still hope for you! As JNS 'splains: it's because of your education (or lack thereof).

Just get yourself a PhD or two, and then you'll realize my boy JNS knows his funny!

There's nothing like an inspirational story of faith to... conjure up the possibility of a lawsuit!

If only we had some lawyers in the Bloggernacle...

Standby for a reboot, folks. SN is ready for a comeback!

Ardis recently bailed and started her own blog, and now Kaimi is posting at the other two "Big Blogs" while not posting at the SS Skidmark. Ardis has gone to emeritus status, but Kaimi has not.

The last time there was a big blowout at T&S it was over Adam flipping out. KHH and Melissa quit and Adam was suspended for a year.

Did the same thing happen again between Ardis and Kaimi? If so, is this a bit of brown-nosing to ingratiate himself? Or are Kaimi and Ardis just a couple of fabulously ungracious ex-hosts who have had their admin powers revoked so they can no longer delete obnoxious comments? Whatever happened, Kaimi does not want to talk about it in public.

Can T&S stay afloat as the Dave and Julie show? Or, will it join MSplat in the Stygian depths of the Bloggernacle netherworld of former bigness?

Ardis Parshall, super-duper hardcore MoHistory megabuff adds to the Bloggernacle's long list history of totally mis-appropriated blog names derived from Old Historical Mormon Periodicals:

All participants in the original Keepapitchinin were masked behind pseudonyms; I will take credit or blame for what appears here under my own name. Unlike the original, which made its points through satire, adolescent jokes, and cartoons, this incarnation of the Keepapitchinin will make its points with plain old narrative, chiefly in a historical vein.

So, in other words, your blog will be nothing like its namesake. Awesome! Join the ranks of Times & Seasons, Mormon Wasp, Millennial Star, Messenger & Advocate, Juvenile Instructor, and The Exponent. Now, some might have foolishly thought a history buff would have been more true to the original source and inspiration, but, hey, with a strong Bloggernacle historical tradition like this to build on, you are only following suit. And landing yourself all the way up at the top on MoArch as an Isle of the Sea, leap-frogging all those other small-timers. Congratulations, Ardis. Your MorMen and T&S stepping stones have served you well and made you a big-timer in the Bloggernacle. Which will no doubt launch you into... um... well... err... bigger... uhnn... yeah.

Julie M. Smith is smarter than you, smarter than everyone in fact, especially those ignorant Mormons who keep making absurd movie recommendations to her on topics she clearly knows more about than anyone else, so much more she is entitled to review movies she has never seen and hold her nose in disdain at them. Why see a movie that is fundamentally flawed in its perceived conception? Especially when she is just too busy, so busy, so very busy (but not too busy to read all the comments, just too busy to respond to them substantively, but not too busy to insult the comment makers, but clearly too busy to watch this movie, but not too busy to post a review about the movie in question). Call it a hunch, but I bet Julie spent more time on this blog post than the running length of the movie.

The last time Elder Ballard endorsed blogging, the 'Nacle was all a-twitter that a member of the 12 had taken note of its existence.

That notion was largely disabused here.

However, the more I read Elder Ballard's remarks, the more I'm convinced he is aware of the Nacle. Yes, 'Nacle, Elder Ballard knows about you!

Think about it:

Elder Ballard, speaking to young, newly-minted BYU-I grads:

... Elder Ballard suggested that graduates join in conversations on the Internet to share the gospel and to explain the message of the Restoration in simple, clear terms.

Elder Ballard, speaking to mothers with young children:

... don’t allow yourself to be caught up in the time-wasting, mind-numbing things like television soap operas or surfing the Internet.

Prediction: Elder Ballard's October 2008 conference talk will be titled, "Lawyers Who Know."

Discuss.

Following up Zelph's statistical exercise in self-flagellation is the final installment of "Lies, Damned Lies, and Statistics" or "Who Wasted the Most Time on the Bloggernacle?"











Which SAHM Neglected Their Children the Most?
1. Heather O., MMW: 190
2. fMhLisa, FMH: 106
3. The Wiz, MMW: 101
4. Deborah, ExII: 91
5. Julie M. Smith, T&S: 70

Who Placed Their Employment Status in the Greatest Jeopardy? *
1. Kaimi Wenger, T&S: 54,667
2. Kevin Barney, BCC: 54,447
3. Nate Oman, T&S, 36,480
4. Matt W., NCT: 34,450
5. J. Nelson-Seawright, BCC, 31,903
6. Steve Evans, BCC: 67

*John Dehlin's chart-topping category killers omitted since he can now blog professionally

It was only a matter of time. A mere 18 hours after General Conference had been adjourned came the FMH Conference Report. Eight hours of conference sessions and ECS can’t find a single positive thing to say about the addresses other than this morsel:

I think Elder Ballard meant well…

President Monson’s address – his closing remarks where he spoke at length of his beloved wife and her lengthy stay in a hospital after recuperating from a tragic fall – left ECS “disheartened”. Kinda makes me wonder exactly what it would take to impress ECS.

If the Church were to take ECS’ counsel to action, both mothers and fathers of young children would be exempted from callings other than hymnbook collecting. This begs the question - who would be left to run the wards and branches? No doubt complaints about ageism would flood the ‘nacle.

You can please all of the people some of the time, some of the people all of the time, but the gals over at FMH? No how, no way.

In usual SnarkerNacle fashion, we like to decry everything that is wrong about the Bloggernacle, and in this spirit we announce the 2007 Giblets, the horrid hairy-tongued aftertaste of the Nacle. In case you weren't around two years ago, we originally did it back then too. We didn't do it last year because we did the Niblets, and that ended up being so bad it was in and of itself the Giblets and doing another one again would have been horribly redundant. But, alas, poor Joseph Addison our anachronistic brother in snark was burdened, freeing up time for us to do the Giblets with some extra gravy!


Here is the list of Giblets categories we came up with thus far, to give you an idea of where it should go:

Best Blog Post About Court Case Winnings Including Fawning Over Righteousness of Winnings In Attempt to Convince Self it Hasn't Been Complete Waste of Time

Best Bloggernacle Big Blogger to Sneak Over to the DAMU Side and Drop the F-bomb Because Nobody on the Bloggernacle is Paying Attention to Him

Best Threadjacker on Anything Even Remotely Tangentially Kind Of Sort Of But Not Really Gay

Best New Big Group Blog Created Out of Obedience to GA Commands to Give Gay Ex-Mos a Place in the Bloggernacle

Best New Aggregator Created to Shoehorn DAMU Blogs Into the Bloggernacle

Biggest Blog for Sex/Transgender/Gender/Breastfeeding/Gential Mutilation Posts Gone Totally Awry

Biggest Conservative Group Blog to Fade Away Most Unnoticeably

Best Crazed Personal Attack Over Something Totally Irrelevant, Like Snacks At Church or Plastic Toys in Nursery

Best Blog Post About Miserable Misunderstood Europeans Who Suffer Mightily at the Hands of Naive American General Authorities

Best Blog Post Exposing the Foibles of Church Presidents Making it Easier for us to Falsley Justify Our Sins

Best Blogger Who Goes Completely Bonkers When Commenting on Abortion

Now, feel free to submit whatever category you like and they will all get piled into the mess.

Then, unlike JA's elitist group of "whiney and wrong" self-promoting category nominators, you, yes you beloved gentle reader, will have the power, the unmitigated, raw, burgeoning power of nominating whoever the heck you please for any and all categories. Oh, sweet pleasure of vanity! You too can nominate yourself anonymously just like they did. Or, you can rise above narcissistic vanity and actually nominate someone else. Your choice. Why wait for DKL to tally up your Niblet votes when you can voice your opinion here and now? (Wait a minute, I seem to recall him complaining about the lack of transparency in the nomination and voting process in last year's Niblets, and yet he participated as one of the secret nominators and now he is running the votes off the blog site he administers. I guess when it comes to transparency, it is all relative.)

Fellow Nacclites!

It is with greatly inflated ego and unilateral pride that the Quorum of the Indeterminate Number of Snarks has declared the nominees and winners of the 2008 Unilateral Niblet Awards!

You like me!!! Really!!! You like me!!!

Simply put, after much correlative counseling regarding last year’s chaotic debacle which degenerated into a whine fest seldom seen outside the Nursery, Dazzle and I decided it would be so much easier just to declare the nominees and winners in one single post. We did so in order to save the environment by conserving bandwidth, keystrokes, and whining.

Go ye, therefore, rejoice with the winners and weep with the also-rans.

That is all.

Who knew Tween Popstar Phenom Hanna Montana was a Bloggerancle fan? Color me surprised! All this week she will be doing a Disney version of "We're a Big Dysfunctional Family of Self-Absorbed Freaks That Can All Get Along and Love Each Other in 30 Minutes (less time for a word from our sponsor)" as she mimics the Bloggernacle's online community interactions. With the writer's strike over, Miley's version will no doubt be as substantive and genuine as the Bloggernacle version.

While Joseph Addison is doing all he can to delete all negative comments from the post and keep all the squeaky wheels greased (hey, did you notice that all of the major whiners from last year's Niblets are on the list of his "mighty and strong" nominators?) to avoid repeating last year's train wreck, that will be nothing compared to the virtual power of a ten ton locomotive of pre-adolescent narcissism when it comes to ensuring success.

Thank you Hanna for lending your credibility to something that might otherwise look... well... staged and a little bit fake.