KristenJ may be worried about saying "crap", because she is setting a bad example for fault-finding kiddies. But, the Old Testament is full of all sorts of nasty bits. How is a parent supposed to deal with this!?! I mean, you want your kids to read the Scriptures, but they contain stuff that talks about... stuff that...its...urrmmm...well...you know...THAT...IT....THOSE THINGIES...

Anyway, to help good Mormon parents of all stripes decipher Biblical euphemisms, here is the SnarkerNacle's guide to Biblical Bits and Unmentionables:

Put the hand in the thigh Knee surgery

Perform the duty of a brother-in-law to her To berate or belittle a woman, generally act like a jerk

To speak mouth-to-mouth Not use the telephone or internet

I will lift up your skirt over your face Insist she return clothing for refund

Cover his feet Buy some new shoes

Sit down outside No comfortable chairs in the house

Knew her not Woman that is old

Don't go near a woman Dude, you need a bath

came to her into the bed of love Deliver a

Touch a woman Say something thoughtful and genuinely heartfelt

Fallen asleep Narcolepsy

Seed To be observed with the eyes

Lift the cover of his feet and lie down

Do not give your strength to women Women are prohibited from using androsteroidal compounds

defiled his father's bed Pillow fight among siblings

uncover his nakedness Prove he does not in fact own canvas-topped gum-soled athletic shoes.

bloody flux Swear an oath

Any others we forgot?


Rusty said... @ January 25, 2006 at 8:58 AM

Seed... classic! A Mark Twain reading of the Good Book.

Steve EM said... @ January 25, 2006 at 11:13 AM

When one of my primary kids said crap was a bad word in response to another boy, I corrected him and told the children about Thomas Crapper putting his name on an improved flush toilet he marketed, and while he might not be happy the way people later also applied his name to what goes into the Crapper, it certainly couldn't be considered a bad word.

Of course, my 5 year old tells her older siblings that sh_t isn't a bad word because Dad uses it.

Snarkimus Prime said... @ January 25, 2006 at 11:38 AM

Steve EM,

The crapper thing is an urban legend.


Kristen J said... @ January 25, 2006 at 12:25 PM

Hey my freedom is at stake here. If I keep saying bad words I'll be put in time out. That means I'll have to go to my room by myself...and read a book...or take a nap.

Hhhmm, maybe it's time to let the crap fly!

Steve EM said... @ January 25, 2006 at 1:47 PM

Sorry Snarker, but Thomas Crapper was a real UK plumber and did market an improved flush toilet under his brand. Said toilets were indeed marked Crapper and called Crappers. You're probably confusing that fact with the myths that Crapper invented the flush toilet or was knighted (while he was a Royal contracted plumber, he wasn't Sir Thomas Crapper).

Anyway, crap isn't a bad word just as excrement isn't a bad word.

Anonymous said... @ January 25, 2006 at 3:20 PM

booooooooring. time for the snarker to get snarked.

Snarkimus Prime said... @ January 25, 2006 at 4:07 PM

Um, Steve EM, did you even look at that link?

Anon, why don't try to snark me? Bring it on, punk. The question is: Do you feel lucky? Well, punk, do you?

Steve EM said... @ January 25, 2006 at 4:44 PM

Yes Snarker, I did. Did you? If you’re not grasping the difference between marketing a product and inventing a product, a dictionary will help. I never said Crapper invented the flush toilet or even the improved version he marketed.

BTW, I saw a Thomas Crapper display at a London museum many years ago. There was an original Crapper w/ his name on it. There was also a working transparent display showing the workings of a flush toilet w/ a piece of brown plastic simulated crap to draw the interest of children. They even had this amusing sign suggesting that, out of respect for Crapper, his name should only be used for the device, not what goes into it. The Limeys are good at including all the details. After seeing that museum display, it has always perplexed me how the country that once had the plumbing genius of Thomas Crapper can’t fix their separate hot and cold plumbing problem.

OK Ronan, have at me.

Snarkimus Prime said... @ January 26, 2006 at 7:52 AM

Steve EM, you are so full of crapper.

Snarkimus Prime said... @ January 26, 2006 at 9:10 AM

Wow, I just saw that I failed to finish typing something in for "came to her into the bed of love-Deliver a" and nobody snarked me on it. You people are asleep, or what?

Sarebear said... @ January 26, 2006 at 5:45 PM



Post a Comment