Although I usually hesitant to double snark a single Nacle Post, for Steve Evans, I’ll make an exception.
Steve has made it clear he doesn’t like George W. Bush. I’m sure if Nancy Pelosi held an open call for lawyers willing to impeach the president, Steve would run over Bambi to be first in line.
Let’s leave aside for the moment the fact the country is at war with a ruthless enemy whose goal in life is to behead all beardless men and burka-less women. The biggest threat to world peace isn’t Islamofacism, but rather the Evil Bush Cabal.
Steve isn’t concerned about the creeping influence of Sharia on the world his children will live in. He’s worried that somehow, some Bush/Cheney/Rove sympathizer might somehow slip some Rovian-seeded thoughts into his children’s Primary lesson.
To pre-empt this possibility, Steve has come up with a “pre-recommend” interview to be given prior to the actual temple recommend interview and weekly thereafter (as opposed to the bi-yearly recommend interview – after all, those interviews “don’t pick up on every moral ill.”).
1. Did you vote for the evil Bush Cabal in 2000? If so, have you completed the requisite repentance steps inclusive of the requisite personal declaration that Al Gore should now be President?
2. Do you now, or have you ever, sympathized with, given aid or comfort to, or otherwise supported any policy put forth by the Bush/Cheney/Rove Regime? Such behavior includes, but is not limited to blatantly driving a gas guzzling SUV with a Bush/Cheney 2000/2004 bumper sticker, spending your tax cut money however you see fit, and last but certainly not least, outwardly displaying anything which can remotely be construed as [gasp] Republican.
3. Have you physically participated in an Anti-Bush rally? If no, please give a detailed explanation for your behavior.
4. Do you believe Dick Cheney is a Sith Lord? If not, why not?
5. Were you responsible in any way, shape, manner or form for the evil Bush/Cheney/Rove Cabal’s return to power in 2004? If so, have you performed the modern equivalent to a “sack-cloth and ashes” ritual to atone for this evil act?
And here I thought the left side of the political (and Nacle) sphere was supposed to embrace “diversity of thought” and refrain from judging others. So much for acceptance of and tolerance for any views which diverge from their own.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go write the Waterboarding manual for the High Priest's Group.
The Snarker spider is the Echelon of the ‘Nacle – endlessly trolling for snarkable material. Today it found this chorus emanating from ZD:
I don't like to see the temple,C'mon girls, don't you read the 'nacle? You can still run through your neighborhood in a sports bra without the R.S. sisters juding you . And, your potential husbands can still ogle you like sweaty construction workers.
I'm not going there today.
'Cause I'm not getting married
and no mission's on the way.
Steve Evans is alarmed that waterboarding was developed and sanctioned by people who could be sitting in his very own church meetings. Steve obviously hasn't heard that these tactics were refined while these guys served in local ward callings. They had some of the best home teaching stats anywhere, let me tell you.
Setting: The PPI. No tablecloth or refreshments. Two folding chairs, one table with velcro tie-restraints, 50-gallon culinary-grade water storage container from "BePrepared.com".
EQP: Brother Jones, thank you for taking time to meet with me today.
Jones: No problem. Hey, what's with the water tank?
EQP: Never mind that, Brother Jones. Just answer the questions and we'll have you outta here in a jiffy. Tell me, how are your home teaching families?
Jones: They're doing great.
EQP: Really... So, you're visiting them regularly?
Jones: Oh, definitely.
EQP: So... you were there last month?
Jones: Last month, let's see... uhhh.. yeah, I probably saw them last month.
EQP: Uh huh. Are you sure?
Jones: Uhhhm, sure.
EQP: (Sighs) Brother Jones, I want to believe you. I'm willing to look past the blue shirt, the mix-and-match suit colors, even your lace-free loafers. But I received an email from Sister Hadley--just yesterday--asking "Who are my home teachers?" Why would she ask that, Brother Jones, if you just visited her?
Door opens, three men enter.
EQP: You will remember my "counselors", I'm sure. The guy in the middle is my secretary. Brethren, let's get started. Strap him down.
Jones: Wait!! Wait!! I'll talk! Okay, okay, I admit.. I have no idea who Sister Hadley is. I wouldn't know her if I tripped over her! I promise I'll do my home teaching next time, just give me one more chance!
EQP: That's better, Brother Jones. Thank you for your willingness to serve.
Lisa was a prophet, tho she surely did not know,
Isaiah ain't got nuthin when mind puke she does blow;
Nudge them True Blues out, she attacks the orthodox,
She will blog forever on a disconnected box.
Follow the Bloggers, Follow the Bloggers, Follow the Bloggers,
marriage should be gay.
Follow the Bloggers, Follow the Bloggers, Follow the Bloggers,
priestess should hold sway.
Hmmm, looks like the Bloggernacle will end up in number 8, or maybe 7. Tough call.
A woman used the Bloggernacle to talk about her unorthodox religious views with her girlfriends. Despite her explicit instructions to keep the matter secret from her mother, relatives of said woman let on to her mother that she was blogging in public on her unorthodox views. Mother investigated and ended up discovering her daughter’s unorthodoxy. They’re estranged and the woman is suing WordPress for damages.
Even if her jurisdiction does not make blogging a crime, the suit should be dismissed. The fact that the law does not prohibit a conduct does not mean that one has a legally compensable right to the conduct.
We like to joke here that LDSelect is LDSdefect, but that joke has become literally true for the past few days. I think it is on day 3 of irritating "You are being redirected" links you have to click to get through in Firefox and 404 errors in IE6. DKL, I realize you are a busy guy counting your imaginary millions, but can you fix the website please? Or are you too busy coming up with your next blog post about wanking? I mean, when a Snarker has to use the MoArch to get around, you are just being sadistic, and that is not cool.
P.S., DKL, you are temporarily exempted from the banning here at SnarkerNacle for this one post only so you can attempt to explain yourself, although I don't see how you can as long as your site is dang busted.
When it comes to poop, nobody can hold a candle to FMH. So, MorMen has sold it soul and branched out into all things penile. Wanking and whizzing is where its at when it comes to the guys there. Next up on Springer: Circumcision and foreskin reconstruction, genital piercing and codpieces, and the men who love talking about them. If this ruse is successful in increasing MM's traffic, FMH will take up the "V" theme with relish in the continuing "Least Common Denominator Rules" battle for ratings.
For those of you Nacclites living under a rock or a remote corner of Death Valley, you might not know about Friday’s passing of President James E. Faust, Second Counselor in the First Presidency.
Most of the Naccle behaved in an honorable fashion – several posted tributes to the late Apostle. I’m sure I’ve missed a few and for that I apologize.
Upon hearing of President Faust’s passing, I couldn’t help but wonder how long it would take some Nacclite to start the “Who’s Got Next” guessing game. Most church members I associate with seemed to think the most appropriate time to start that exercise in the hypothetical would be sometime after the funeral. I tend to agree.
Sadly, the class-less-ness of the Naccle reared its head before funeral arrangements could even be made. Here are the winners:
First place – Our Thoughts (or lack thereof). Kim’s post hit the wires at 3:17 pm EST.
Runner up is found at BCC where Natalie wasted little time hoping the next apostle will have a background in something other than business or law. The Church is a multi-billion dollar transnational entity and she wants to disqualify the two fields of study most likely to be useful at the top echelons of its leadership. Of course, the obligatory “it can’t be a she (yet)” comment was included.
Natalie waited almost a full twelve hours to post her “what’s next” piece.
There’s something wrong with those who can’t even give the Faust family and the Church but a few hours to mourn the passing of such a great man before they set about wondering who will fill his chair.
I have wanted to snark the comments on this ExmoII thread, but couldn't come up with anything other than "Hey, let's all talk about how smart we are, and take President Hinckley totally out of context so we can badmouth the Church". So the Brothers Chaps did it for me. I can totally see the conversations between Caroline and her husband as figments of her imagination. And Kaimi's comment definitely got him so extra extra-closetal blogging time on the family puter.
Bored in Vernal, of the "notapostate" blog, is attending the Sunstone Symposia in SLC and, GA's be damned, she wants to bear her testimony that the Sunstone Symposia is inspired! According to her own testimony Ms. BiV "just felt the Spirit stronger than I have in the past year" (been to Church or the Temple lately? Maybe you don't feel the Spirit there because they will not allow you give Priesthood blessings and anoint people?). Now, BiV, let me get this strait here. You felt the spirit at a presentation by a non-member who was critical of the LDS Church leadership because of trite, rehearsed jargon and failing to take ownership, who felt dissidents were the most interesting subjects and who praised Joseph Smith's ruthlessness and experimentation with his many selves. Right. Yeah. Sure. Now which spirit is it that you felt? Would any of the other Bloggernacle participants there at Sunstone like to bear their testimonies too?
With so many Bloggernacle regulars there at Sunstone, you have to wonder whether Sunstone has infected the Nacle or the Nacle has overrun Sunstone. Which is worse? Aside from that, with such overlap, what does that really say about the two groups?
These activists, who do not pay tithing to the LDS Church, are against Teen Sex Education and are actively working to spread FUD by teaching kids romantic feelings can result in pregnancy. They all failed Biology 101, but are zealous in their cause.
Despite the explicit request of EmilyS to not make it a discussion on Gay Marriage, Quimby, in comment 36, wants to let everyone know the LDS Church has got it wrong because she has fasted and prayed about it and has a testimony that Gay Marriage as a civil right is consistent with the teachings and example of Jesus Christ (since Jesus was a civil rights leader in his time, overthrowing the Romans so the Jews might enjoy political autonomy and freedom of religion, and given his clear and consistent practice of advocating special interest rights and endorsing non-traditional marriage, I think she has a point there).
But when RachelH comes out against Gay Marriage in comment 59, she is told to get off Gay Marriage and get on topic by EmilyS in comment 60.
Perhaps Quimby should fast and pray about the comment policies at FMH and let the faithful Mormons who go to FMH know what God's will on them is.
Like most people, we had forgotten the Millennial Black Hole was still part of the Bloggernacle. Imagine our surprise when someone brought the Gay PDA in Sacrament Meeting thread to our attention. While the subject is no laughing matter, the ensuing comments on this thread are. You can see people say any and all PDA at Church should be met with excommunication, discreet sex in the pews would be OK but noisy sex in the aisles wouldn't, offended gays who castigate Mormons for making their equally unrepentant partners feel unwelcome, and people saying repentance is optional for membership in the Church.
Talk about running the full spectrum here: Everyone should be excommunicated to nobody should be excommunicated.
Fortunately for everyone, this just isn't an issue in practical reality. Unfortunately, the Bloggernacle isn't practical.
Being hip is hard. You have to find all this totally obscure, independent film, music and art and then lord it over all your philistine friends and coworkers as a coolness filter. And, of course, what you find cannot suck, or your hipster cred will be shot. Fortunately for Steve, he does not suck (just ask him), as evidenced by his highly evolved and fabulously uber-savvy definition of Hipness:
1) Read Michael Allred's comics,
2) Watch Patton Oswalt's films and comedy,
3) Listen to Irish folk rockers Swell Season, and implicitly listen to NPR and see the movie Once.
If you have not met these criteria, you "live under a rock."
Everyone else is a centipede or roly poly bug, which makes it hard to get to the movies, read comic books or listen to Irish music. Kind of circular logic there, but us bugs cannot think that hard.
Actually, I do not think Steve's criteria are fair. Here is a better one:
1) Defeat the Decepticons, aka Blogging Mormons
2) Be comfortably endomorphic
3) Not be a lawyer
Now that is really cool, Fonzie cool. Oh, and look, Steve has been demoted to a sightless, albino troglodyte. How does it feel, trendmaster?
Bloggernacle participants seeking to make a name for themselves by posing as questioning intellectuals will be gathering together in public so as to brand themselves. Join them if you are seeking to create a marketable mystique suitable for media consumption after you get excommunicated.