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Dear aunt Snarky,

I need some help developing a marketing plan. Demographically speaking, Mormons are an attractive market, and women control most of the discretionary household income. I have absolutely no scruples, I covet lucre, and I will sell whatever will separate the faithful from their tithed income most efficiently. In the past I have done quite well with Families are Forever cross stitch and framed Footprints in the Sand gewgaws. But lately, things have changed.

When did LDS women become obssessed with their own breasts and underwear? This used to be the almost exclusive domain of teenage boys and missionaries, but they at least had the decency to keep their aberrations private, and to take a cold shower occasionally. This must be sweeps week, because all the blogs run by females have gone wall to wall with matters of the boudoir. Where else but the bloggernacle can you find a thread where church ladies give each other advice on how to get a good fit in underwear, with 100 plus comments and counting? We have seen the first NSFW post in bloggernacle history featuring topless women, posted by a woman, of course. We see stories about flashing complete strangers, advice on how to rouse a husband's dormant libido, and discussion of whether AA or DD is better, and no, we ain't talkin' batteries. What is going on?

Given the new reality, I am rethinking my line of products to be introduced this spring. First, I think a magazine called Mams would be a hit with the Mormon Femme crowd. It would feature topless women and columns on diaper blowouts. Women could write in with the latest rumors about how the big bad church won't allow any more pajama parties. Second, instead of selling my videos of Girls Gone Wild to drunken frat boys on spring break, I think I will just re-label them. Relief Society Sisters Gone Wild has a certain ring, no?

Could you please give me your advice concerning these two products? I would like to be prepared when all those wild and crazy spring break berzerkers from those wild and crazy places like Provo, Logan, and Rexburg show up with money in hand.

Yours in Flames,

B. L. Zeboob


B.L.,

Thanks for writing in with this important question. I think where the Mormon women are concerned, you need to be a little more subtle. Mormon women generally like to look Molly on Sunday and have the house prim and proper for when the HT/VT come by the house, so racy magazines aren't going to sell well. So, you need to try to keep it a little more low key, like getting Amway or NuSkin to start doing lingerie and marital aid products and parties. I am sure melaleuca could be turned into something racy.

I kind of doubt "Relief Society Sisters Gone Wild" would sell much, given the average age of the sisters of the average ward and the impossibility of getting a bra that really fits well. But, if you did a "Girl's Camp Shenanigans-Exposed!!!", that would probably sell well, among all Mormon market segments. Market it as a documentary expose, but include enough lurid material to appeal to males. Also, another good one would be "Young Single Adult Dance Parking Lot", following the Parking Lot genre, be sure to cut in a lot of inuendo.

I also recommend some historical fiction about early Church leaders, and spice it up a little. You know, take the tact of "keeping it real", but still pepper it with salacious details. Then they will be learning the occasional useless historical fact, all the while being filled with garbage. Try something like The Work and the Glory meets In Sacred Lonliness, that would be a hit among the FMH and BCC readers, no doubt.

And remember, every cinder used to be a bright, burning flame.

Aunt Snarky

1 comments

Wendy said... @ January 19, 2006 at 9:15 AM

Try something like The Work and the Glory meets In Sacred Lonliness, that would be a hit among the FMH and BCC readers, no doubt.

That's a brilliant idea! I always wondered why Lund left out all the good polygamy stuff.

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