File under: Satire

1. Don't read the Bible. It is a dead book, meaningless and incomprehensible. Anti-mormons cannot even agree amongst themselves what it means, so why bother to study it. Argue they cannot use the Bible as a proof text until they can agree on what it means. Use varying readings on John 4:24 to prove your point, and then don't bother to ever read the book again. Its damaged goods, the Joseph Smith-Translation proves that.

2. Study original sources. Then you can scoff at the ignorance of anti-mormons who dare to criticize texts they know little or nothing about. Mock them openly for daring to quote troublesome and seemingly strange passages from Journal of Discourses, because they are ignorant of historical, textual, spiritual, and whatever other context you can fabricate.

3. FARMS thoughts=your thoughts. Rely on the incredibly robust arguments and utter objectivity of the mighty apologetic powerhouse that is FARMS. Read everything they ever published, commit it to memory, then voila, you can rapidly disarm your foes with a high speed onslaught of punishing arguments they cannot respond to.

4. Stay current. Read all of the latest apologetics material put out on all the websites: FAIR, SHIELDS, etc. Then you can quickly counter any arguments put forward with astonishing speed, feigning broad-based knowledge when in fact you only know the latest current events. Read the Ensign every month too, only so if you are questioned on how faithful you are you can hold that up as proof of your fidelity.

5. Consult outside sources. Talk to Mormons who know a lot about other religions and read books written by Mormons who know a lot about other religions. That way you will be totally plugged into what they believe and can quickly hamstring their beliefs.

6. Ignore hypocrisy. Forget about that "turn the other cheek" stuff and "love thy neighbor" thing. This is Jude 1:3 time. These people are attacking us, we have to defend ourselves with the sword of truth, right?

And, one later add on...

7. Read up on chiasmus and other forms of Hebrew literary devices. The more obscure and nonsensical the better, that will it will be impossible for anti-mormons to respond intelligently to them, because they make no sense in the first place and are not worthy of any serious discussion from an apologetic point of view. You will have your foe effectively unarmed in this type of combat, because they will have no idea what you are talking about.


Anonymous said... @ March 23, 2006 at 8:24 AM

Also, avoid publishing your work in pesky peer-reviewed formats where well-trained persons with different points of view would have the opportunity to critique your work. Stick to fighting with ill-trained anti-Mormons. The dumber the better.

Anonymous said... @ March 23, 2006 at 8:51 AM

Hey, I noticed all the old post have the comments disabled.

New administrative policy?

Seth R.

Anonymous said... @ March 23, 2006 at 8:52 AM

Well ... apparently not all of them ... [doh]

Seth R.

Anonymous said... @ March 23, 2006 at 9:16 AM

See comment number 5 on the Meadows post from yesterday. DKL and SKL went off yesterday, and all their posts got deleted. Everything was shut down because of it.

Anonymous said... @ March 23, 2006 at 9:43 AM

That's not the only one that is shut down. What gives?

Steve EM said... @ March 23, 2006 at 9:57 AM

I like this new unleashed Snarkey. Maybe commenters can be less restrained now?

Snarkimus Prime said... @ March 23, 2006 at 10:11 AM

They were all shut down because DKL & SKL were cross posting into other unrelated threads when I shut down the thread they were trolling.

All threads are back open again, except the Heather & Nate are Moving post.

No, Steve EM, you still need to behave yourself and not be a potty mouth.

Anonymous said... @ March 23, 2006 at 10:13 AM

Mike Parker feels so validated by this post! Yay for apologists and their clones!

Spot on Snarker.

Stephen said... @ March 23, 2006 at 11:33 AM

# Alteration of logic processing, such that the writings of Ed Decker appear to be logically sound.

Nice to revisit that in a funny context once again.

Anonymous said... @ March 23, 2006 at 11:37 AM

this is a snark? looks like plain old bcc-style bitterness to me.

David J said... @ March 23, 2006 at 4:10 PM

Yeah, this one doesn't have that usual "snarky" humor about it germane with a lot of the other ones (and it doesn't fit well with a Pepto-Bismol colored blog). Seems like Snarky shot this one from the (well-educated) hip. But either way, EXCELLENT advice here. Love it.

"potty mouth" lol! Who says that anymore? Haven't heard that in years. Thanks for the laugh.

Anonymous said... @ March 23, 2006 at 6:19 PM

You know, its amazing that people who contribute absolutely nothing to the Snarkernacle sit there and criticize it for not measuring up their standards.

Anonymous said... @ March 23, 2006 at 6:55 PM

I thought the post measured up to previous standards of quality just fine.

All the same, I'm willing to give snarkette a grace period until she really finds her groove as admin-grand-poobah.

Of course, even then I probably won't have the nerve to be too critical.

I don't like being made fun of.

David J said... @ March 23, 2006 at 10:01 PM
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Snarkimus Prime said... @ March 24, 2006 at 7:41 AM

this is a snark? looks like plain old bcc-style bitterness to me.

BCC gets snarked last Friday, Tuesday and Wednesday. And now you come along and whine about this?

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