File under: Girl Talk

Grrrls on the Nacle learned a long time ago they can get away with pretty much anything, because they are womyn and if you say one word to them about being out of line you will get walloped upside the head for being a dirty, ignorant, sexist pig (which you are anyway, admit it).

To date, FMH has pretty much run amok when it comes to posts on sexual things. No surprises then that TftC has taken their cue from them and now done the same thing by shoveling out steaming piles of honeymoon advice for novice schtuppers soon to be crossing the threshold of garment-free unlubricated bleeding agony that leads to urinary tract infections. Oh, if you had only "stretched out" and "gotten in touch with yourself" beforehand, as these sage sisters advocate, then everything would be fine and dandy, except then you wouldn't be worthy for that Temple Marriage thing, but, hey, that isn't the Bishop's bidness anyway, so just omit those personal details.

Kage asks "TMI?" No, no, not at all. Everyone on the Nacle wants to know you were sore while standing in your receiving line, and that Heather bled a lot and her mom fired off the first time, and Trivial Mom had three hours of foreplay and may have waxed or shaved, Cheryl had her period and a UTI, SJ's husband isn't black but could be mistaken for that in certain aspects, Katie stretched out in the shower beforehand, Nikki prefers gel to jelly, LT needs to practice and Heavenly Father will just have to be understanding about it, EmilyS prefers baby wipes to tissues, Coffinberry prefers Astroglide to KY, Tracy M bled the first time, Rachel H and DH did it even though she was having her period and it took a while for her to learn that the magic button=O, PDoE likes body chocolate and pillows, cc got poison ivy on her kiester, and more and more and more from anonymous people who went on and on and on about yeast infections and all other sorts of lurvly details.

But, most of all, they want you to remember to LUBERCATE! Right, SJ?


john scherer said... @ April 26, 2006 at 7:20 AM

Best Snark Ever. :)

Anonymous said... @ April 26, 2006 at 7:39 AM

Whenever I think my expectations couldn't be any lower, the naclegrrlz find a new way to define rock bottom.

Steve EM said... @ April 26, 2006 at 7:49 AM

I didn't get the not temple worthy part.

Snarkimus Prime said... @ April 26, 2006 at 8:25 AM

You wouldn't, Steve EM.

Anonymous said... @ April 26, 2006 at 9:16 AM

I was wondering when you would snark this.

Anonymous said... @ April 26, 2006 at 4:02 PM

I suspect it involves self-gratification (is that PC enough?)

Steve EM said... @ April 27, 2006 at 7:46 AM

I don’t think stimulation to climax was implied in that particular case, but what if it was? Self-gratification = not temple worthy? Who said that besides maybe BKP circa 1976? Hardly a mainstream viewpoint in 2006.

The amount of sexual dysfunction and hang-ups reported on that tread strained credulity. Didn’t a Utah survey about a decade ago indicate that a majority of even Utah LDS sleep together before marriage? I'm not saying it's a best practice, but that thread wasn't reflecting reality for most LDS today.

Anonymous said... @ April 27, 2006 at 1:31 PM

steve em-

you are really cynical, wow.

D. Golden Shizzle said... @ April 28, 2006 at 7:06 AM

Cynical doesn't begin to describe Steve EM's issues.

Anonymous said... @ April 29, 2006 at 2:25 PM

The TftC grrrls confirm a long-held belief of mine. Most women are kinkier, hornier, and down-and-dirtier than men.

Anonymous said... @ April 29, 2006 at 6:22 PM

Masturbation is still a no-no in the Church Handbook of Instructions.

Right there. Black and white. And all the current brethren signed on.

So no, it's not just BKP in 1976. Sorry.

Seth R.

Steve EM said... @ May 3, 2006 at 7:06 PM

Careful now, you're sounding an awful lot like eunuchville just before he went over the cliff. Beyond self pleasure sometimes being a bridge in overcoming female dysfunction, the prostate gods are now taking their revenge on the male masturphobes of yesteryear. Granted I’m avant guard, but our church has a history of being very slow to officially adapt policies as more light and knowledge are revealed to us. In practice, virtually all local units of the church have moved on from this nonsense.

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