Guy Murray's Biggest Fear

It’s no secret in the halls of the Bloggernacle that Guy Murray doesn’t like George W. Bush.

He likes Dick Cheney even less.



Guy has gone to great lengths to express his displeasure with Cheney. The recent announcement of Cheney’s impending commencement speech to be given at BYU has pushed Murray to the breaking point.

He’s really mad. How mad you ask? Mad enough to [drum roll] sign a petition.

I know. I know. Take a deep breath, o faint of heart reader.

In truth, Guy’s dislike of Cheney most likely lies with a deep seated fear of Cheney. Well, we’ve been discussing the issue of why Guy fears a Dick Cheney speech at BYU so much and have come up with this list of probable reasons:

1. Dick Cheney has a shotgun and knows how to use it.
2. Guy is worried that Cheney might resume his hobby of slipping out of the hotel at night to kill left-winged whiny out of touch with reality bloggers.
3. Dick Cheney’s burning rage could cause a drought which would devastate Utah’s dry land farmers.
4. The after effects (fallout) of a Cheney visit to BYU might cause University of Utah sports teams to wither and evaporate at the edge of campus.
5. Utah’s homeland security threat level would be replaced with a Dick Cheney irritation meter.
6. The few remaining liberal professors at BYU would have to hunker down in old bomb shelters at the JKHB to avoid exposure to Cheney’s burning conservatism.
7. No matter where Dick Cheney happens to be on any particular night, Guy Murray checks under his bed to make sure Cheney isn’t hiding there.
8. Dick Cheney’s gaze can kill small animals.
9. Dick Cheney’s plan to combat global warming centers around wastefully burning hippies as a power source.

And finally, the biggest reason why Guy Murray lives in mortal fear of Dick Cheney:


10. Days after Guy’s I Hate Dick Cheney post on Bloggernacle Times was picked up by the NSA, Guy received a cyber butt whooping that caused him to shutter said blog forever. Only the pre-emptive protective ingesting of the Celestial Kingdom’s official soft drink kept Guy from withering like a dried reed.

And, just to slam the door on Guy’s assumption that BYU alumni will flock to the anti-Cheney petition, let me just state for the record two things – 1) I am a BYU Alumni and 2) the fact that Cheney will speak at BYU’s Commencement this spring may just finally give me a reason to answer the phone the next time they call me for a donation.

Not to be outdone by Guy, Permabore Julie attempts to fill the Bloggernacle Times void with her own thinly veiled, Daily Kos like anti-Cheney post. Careful, Julie. The NSA is watching. Makes me wonder just who Guy and Julie would find worthy to address the BYU commencment. Ever wanting to be noticed, especially in a post that gets actual traffic, Guy inserts himself in the comments.

In short, I think Guy will find whatever protest happens in Provo will be filled with people who don’t have anything better to do with their lives.