Steve Evans is alarmed that waterboarding was developed and sanctioned by people who could be sitting in his very own church meetings. Steve obviously hasn't heard that these tactics were refined while these guys served in local ward callings. They had some of the best home teaching stats anywhere, let me tell you.

Setting: The PPI. No tablecloth or refreshments. Two folding chairs, one table with velcro tie-restraints, 50-gallon culinary-grade water storage container from "BePrepared.com".

EQP: Brother Jones, thank you for taking time to meet with me today.

Jones: No problem. Hey, what's with the water tank?

EQP: Never mind that, Brother Jones. Just answer the questions and we'll have you outta here in a jiffy. Tell me, how are your home teaching families?

Jones: They're doing great.

EQP: Really... So, you're visiting them regularly?

Jones: Oh, definitely.

EQP: So... you were there last month?

Jones: Last month, let's see... uhhh.. yeah, I probably saw them last month.

EQP: Uh huh. Are you sure?

Jones: Uhhhm, sure.

EQP: (Sighs) Brother Jones, I want to believe you. I'm willing to look past the blue shirt, the mix-and-match suit colors, even your lace-free loafers. But I received an email from Sister Hadley--just yesterday--asking "Who are my home teachers?" Why would she ask that, Brother Jones, if you just visited her?

Jones: Dementia?

Door opens, three men enter.

EQP: You will remember my "counselors", I'm sure. The guy in the middle is my secretary. Brethren, let's get started. Strap him down.

Jones: Wait!! Wait!! I'll talk! Okay, okay, I admit.. I have no idea who Sister Hadley is. I wouldn't know her if I tripped over her! I promise I'll do my home teaching next time, just give me one more chance!

EQP: That's better, Brother Jones. Thank you for your willingness to serve.


a random John said... @ August 22, 2007 at 9:34 PM

I think I need SERE training before my next PPI.

a random John said... @ August 22, 2007 at 9:46 PM

Also, I hope that Mitchell and Jessen don't move to Provo and start an MLM anti-oxidant juice company. That could do some serious damage.

danithew said... @ August 23, 2007 at 4:41 AM

Heh. Me like this post.

D. Golden Shizzle said... @ August 23, 2007 at 6:36 AM

I didn't know the Italian Legitimate Businessmen Association had a Mormon chapter.

Snarkimus Prime said... @ August 23, 2007 at 8:11 AM


erinannie said... @ August 24, 2007 at 9:28 PM


if you link me, i'll link you!

Anonymous said... @ August 29, 2007 at 4:14 PM

This is the best snark I've read yet. Keep them coming!

Janet said... @ September 6, 2007 at 10:59 PM

Good one. One of your best. Sugarbeat-esque. (Don't know if you think that's good or bad, but I mean it as a compliment.)

Hate torture. Enjoyed this post.

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