| 13 comments ]

Yo newbie, whattap! Listen up, greenie, let me tell you how it is in the hood:

Get a blog name from some obscure Early LDS Church periodical, the more obscure the better. All of the obvious, well known ones are taken already, so you may have to do a little searching. Don't worry that your blog has nothing to do at all with the old namesake, none of the current ones do either.

Link all the other Mormon blogs and Nacle Index sights. If you want love, you gotta give it. Free love is bad in the real world, but in the Bloggernacle it rules.

Beat the dead horse. Whatever is getting a lot of play in the other blogs, you blog about that too. Then comment in those threads and link back to your blog.

State the Obvious. Say the same thing, just in a slightly different and new way, to keep it fresh. There is nothing new under the sun, but if you can put it in the context of current events and throw in some clever turn of phrase, you win.

Suck up to get ahead. Praise the brilliance of bloggers you want to ally with and parrot them and add in some of your own tidbits to support their position. Bloggers are narcissists, use that to promote your blog. Admit it, you are a narcissist too The more you suck up the more likely you will asked to be a guest blogger.

Neglect everything else. The more you neglect really important things in your life to blog, the more successful you will be. Really, there is no substantial difference between fame and infamy in the Bloggernacle, so abandon husband, wife, kids, work and self in your quest for Bighood.

Quality is irrelevant. Post anything, it doesn't matter. Really. As long as you can somehow relate it to something Mormon, go ahead. It has all been done already, so nobody will complain. No, really, I am not kidding. Good is nice and may get you some readers, but shocking pandering gets attention.

Don't mess with facist admins, they will ban you faster than you can say "September Seven." If you disagree with Steve Evans at BCC or say T&S sucks on T&S, expect to be banned. Whining about it afterwards is sour grapes, doing it will only make you look like you deserved it. Narcissists hate being criticized, don't do it. Yes, they are wrong, it doesn't matter, they don't want to hear it.

The Bloggernacle is not your ward. It is a bunch of weirdos who happen to be Mormons, and they have too much time on their hands and either cannot or do not want to go outside and play. They want to obsess about things that don't matter. Don't expect to be treated respectfully as a stranger or new visitor, this isn't going to church, it is more like Middle School all over again.

If you don't know what you are talking about, shut up or get whacked. An opinionated ignoramus in the Bloggernacle is like chum in shark-infested waters. Lay low until you earn some credibility and get a feel for the people, don't impeach your credibility by talking smack right off the bat. It doesn't matter how smart you think you are, there are smarter people around who are skilled at shredding people like you just for laughs. If you think Mormons are nice and polite, you are in the wrong place, because most places they are, but here is not most places.

Welcome, foddery n00bs!

13 comments

tracy m said... @ January 8, 2008 at 2:27 PM

Heh... very funny, SP.

How come I get asked to guest all the time, though? I never asked for it with anyone- and, while my former pregnancy-addled brain may be missing a few synapses, I can't recall ever sucking up...

Anonymous said... @ January 8, 2008 at 3:17 PM

"It doesn't matter how smart you think you are, there are smarter people around who are skilled at shredding people like you just for laughs. If you think Mormons are nice and polite, you are in the wrong place, because most places they are, but here is not most places."

What a perfect way to describe THIS BLOG!

Anonymous said... @ January 8, 2008 at 4:47 PM

tracy, quit sucking up to SP. He's never going to let you guest blog at Snarkernacle.

tracy m said... @ January 8, 2008 at 10:54 PM

Ha! You saw right through me!

Ivan Wolfe said... @ January 9, 2008 at 8:40 AM

It's funny because it's true.

It's also sad because it's true.

Best & Truest (most true?) Snark Ever.

Stephen said... @ January 9, 2008 at 12:23 PM

Ivan, how is your dissertation going?

Ivan Wolfe said... @ January 10, 2008 at 12:55 PM

I wish I knew. My committee should let me know soon.

What on earth does that have to do to do with the Snarker?

Peace!

Janet said... @ January 11, 2008 at 8:01 AM

"Neglect everything else."

Well, for me that includes the dissertation. And eating. And, uh, at times my visiting teaching (hey, it keeps blizzarding!)

The pain, the pain. The truth, the truth. Blogging shall soon be included w/hot drinks in the WoW, no doubt.

Stephen said... @ January 11, 2008 at 12:13 PM

"What on earth does that have to do to do with the Snarker?"

Not much, just that I realized I was curious, so I thought I'd ask.

Hope things go well with the committee.

Anonymous said... @ January 11, 2008 at 1:23 PM

it's funny cause it's true.

California Condor said... @ January 14, 2008 at 11:15 AM

Dear Mr. Snarkernacle:

Do I have to tell my bishop that I have a sordid addiction to the Bloggernacle?

prudence mcprude said... @ January 14, 2008 at 7:37 PM

You will all burn in flames.

Anonymous said... @ January 31, 2008 at 1:52 PM

This was supposed to be humor? The Snarker just wrote down some good advice and put the word n00b in it.

:)

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