Poor Janet.

Her kitchen has been infested by itty bitty mice who have made confetti out of her linens and spreading feces on her china. I'm not sure, but I believe this might qualify as the smallest entry (by weight) in the never ending FMH Poop Chronicles.

Janet has tried to be humane in her attempt to rid her kitchen of her furry four footed guests. Her humanity and compassion are to be praised, but thus far have been ineffective. Her husband (of Porter Rockwell lineage) has taken increasingly drastic measures including "evil snap traps". Janet has even gone so far as to purchase Dcom in an effort to melt the little critters' nervous system.

Well, if I may be so bold, I'd like to add my suggestions to her list of rodent countermeasures to try. I have but two:

The M-84 Stun Grenade

Guaranteed to disable and disorient anything or anyone in the room. Also effective on annoying neighbors and packs of roving stray dogs. Comes in packages of three. Make sure to turn the gas off before throwing the device into the kitchen. Marketed as a non-lethal device, something sure to appeal to Janet's "marshmallow waffley liberal commie pinko" sensibilities.

The Desert Eagle 50

Sure to appeal to the Porter Rockwell half of the household. The downside is, identifying the remains of the little beasties might be difficult as the .50 cal round is almost bigger than the beastie itself. Another downside to this option is the possible separated shoulder resulting from the recoil.

Good luck defending your castle, Janet. These beasts are ferocious! And they have really sharp teeth!


Jack "Marlboro Man" Mormon said... @ November 1, 2006 at 9:07 AM

Not to put down the Desert Eagle 50 (which is an excellent firearm), but I've always been partial to the .454 Cassul when dealing with unwanted vermin of all types. Whether it's that pesky deer that wanders onto my property, or the little mouse in the kitchen, the .454 Cassul is more than enough to get the job done!

Mo Mommy said... @ November 1, 2006 at 10:14 AM

Actually, I have a .30-06 that's just waiting to be sold to a good home.
And if you don't have very good aim, you could always use the Desert Eagle to club the little buggers to death. (pent up rage anyone)

Stephen said... @ November 1, 2006 at 11:58 AM

What is your price on the .30-06?

D. Golden Shizzle said... @ November 1, 2006 at 1:29 PM

I want a comission on the sale.

Anonymous said... @ November 1, 2006 at 6:13 PM

Hilarious. Shiz and Dazz rock.

Anonymous said... @ November 2, 2006 at 1:15 PM

I had a mouse in my apartment last summer. That little *^$&#*% drove me so crazy that by the time I finally killed it I was ready to drop a nuke on the place and start again on th eother side of the world.

Mo Mommy said... @ November 4, 2006 at 5:43 PM

It's a Savage, so by the time we figure in Shiz's(exorbitant)commission, you may as well go buy one at Wally World. Who said internet commerce was a good thing?

Stephen said... @ November 5, 2006 at 12:52 PM

Didn't know I could buy a 30.06 at a Wal-Mart.

Thanks for the heads up.

D. Golden Shizzle said... @ November 6, 2006 at 7:17 AM

It wouldn't be an exorbidant comission, just something to compensate me for facilitating the sale.

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