Having been alerted to your double posted tremor in the force we have come to the conclusion you have been using some of the products we sold you in an ill advised manor. As you may have noticed in the fifteen page addendum which accompanied your receipt, we cannot be held responsible for off-label use of products purchased in our cavernous three-acre warehouse store.
Frankly, the fact that you made it to the checkout line with your three little red-headed terrorists in tow astounds us. After a review of the closed-circuit video footage from the store in question, we believe you may have entered the store with four small red headed terrorists. Are you sure you left the building with everyone you came in with? The thought of a wayward child left in our store terrifies us. Bear in mind we’re not worried about the child, only about the catastrophic damage said child may inflict on our store. We read your blog. We know what your children are capable of.
In regards to your complaint about the $4 towels: These towels were meant to be used for decorative purposes only - hence the cheap price tag. Towels capable of actually drying human flesh cost a bit more. Cheap towels designed to survive an actual wash/dry cycle can be found in the hardware aisle. Granted, towels from that department might actually remove flesh from bone, but every bargain has its price.
Tracy, we’re very concerned about the ill will you hold towards us and our capitalistic megalopolic enterprise. We only want to provide a valuable service at a cut-rate price. In an effort to assuage your antagonistic feelings toward our effort to take over the world one small market at a time, we are sending you a free gift! It will arrive via registered US mail (not insured – we’re cheap) at your residence in the next day or so.
Simply take the item out of its protective cover, look into the red light, and press the button on the right side.
We promise your feelings toward us will be much better afterwards. The unit has been pre-programmed for you. Please do not adjust the settings and do not use on your children or husband as they might not remember you afterwards. As with all other products, we are not responsible for off-label use.
Remember, look directly into the red light. We’ll be seeing you soon.
Warm Holiday Wishes,
PS. You did leave the store with all your little red-headed terrorists, right?