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Announcer: Good evening. An welcome again to "Pumping Up You Blog with Nate & Kaimi", the creative writing program for the serious blogger.



Kaimi: Hello! We're back!

Nate: I am Nate.

Kaimi: And I am Kaimi.

Together: And we just want to.. [ clap ] Pump.. up you blog!

Nate: Alright. But before we can pump you blog tonight, we have to answer a piece of reader e-mail.

Kaimi: Ya. Ya. This is an e-mail I received from some guy named Kurt. I'll only read an excerpt, so I don't go into his loser details. "Dear Kaimi: I have recently seen your.. mo-.. mo-"

Nate: Mormon.

Kaimi: "..your mormon blog, and have wondered why it is you always want to blog and comment on women's issues and talk feminism. Maybe you are too stupid to realize you are a man." [ angrily closes lid on laptop ] You know, maybe you thought this letter would make me angry; but it only makes me sad.

Nate: Really, ya. We are sad, you know, because anyone who calls us "stupid" is really just jealous. Because the Nacle looks at us, then looks at him, and realizes he is just a little tiny-man with a little tiny blog!

Kaimi: Ya. Ya, tiny-man. Hear me now and believe me later - but don't comment about it ever, because, if you try to comment, you will be banned!

Nate: Ya!

Kaimi: Poor little tiny-man, alone in his tiny-blog! We ban him! Ha!

Nate: Sorry, Mr. Tiny-man, but here's a treat for the Bloggernacle!

[ Nate & Kaimi lift up their laptops and show the front page of T&S egotistically ]

Nate: Alright.

Kaimi: Oh, and thank you so much for the e-mail. [ waves his hand and hits the delete key ]

Nate: Ya! Ya, don't think for a minute he's not deleting it, because believe me he is!

Kaimi: My laptop loved eating the electrons of the tiny-man e-mail and the megahertz get bigger.

Nate: Ya! You know, we're not here to delete. We're here to...

Together: Pump.. [ clap ] ..you blog up!

Kaimi: Oh, and by the way, we'd like to take this time to announce the opening of my big, new sister girly blog. It is really big, like our blog, just for girls, big girls, who like to talk about big girl things, you know.

Nate: That's right. Ya! It's called the Sexundpoopatorium! Ya! And soon you will meet FMHLisa. She manages the new big, huge blog. She is big, ya, like us. But my wife, she does not blog there, she has her own big blog, that is not a sex and poopatorium.

Kaimi: Ya, you know, because we don't have time to blog about all sister girly things as much as we want to, and believe me, we want to. But believe me, we have trained her well to be big like us.

Nate: Ya! And she's one big woman with a big blog, believe me! Ya, come on out here, FMHLisa!

Kaimi: FMHLisa, come on out!



[ FMHLisa runs onto the set ]

FMHLisa: Hey, Nate! How you doing, Kaimi?

Kaimi: Yes! Do you ever show pity on those little blogging losers?

FMHLisa: No! These tiny blog losers, they're small and not big like us! They're weak, sexist, conspiring, farcical pigs, who should be only banned! You hear me? Banned! Banned! Banned!

Nate: Ya! Ya! Alright. Interesting. Now, tell us, FMHLisa, what would you do with a tiny-man who wrote a little baby e-mail?

FMHLisa: Here me now, and here me now, tiny-man! Don't be thinking I can't come to your blog, and pummel your head with a 2x4 and knock some sense into your tiny, little head! You should be banned! You hear me! Banned, banned, banned, banned!

[ Nate & Kaimi subdue FMHLisa ]

Nate: Alright. Alright.

Kaimi: Enough talk.

Together: We're not here to talk. We're here to pump.. [ clap ] ..you blog up! Because we big.

Nate: Alright, FMHLisa. Alright, thanks for coming down, FMHLisa.

FMHLisa: Okay, I'll see you guys later. Oh, by the way. Your cousin Steve Evans came by today.

Nate: Oh, don't-don't-don't be joking us.

Kaimi: Ya. You'd better not be pulling my big huge leg.

FMHLisa: He did! He said he might drop by. Alright, he might even read your blog. Okay, see you later! [ exits set ]

Kaimi: Steve?

Nate: Coming here?

Kaimi: Today?

Nate: Today? Oh..

Kaimi: Oh..

Nate: Oh, I don't believe this!

Kaimi: We are not properly pumped up!

[ Nate & Kaimi desperately start blogging and posting ]

Nate: I don't believe this! Oh no, I can't believe it!



[Steve enters the set, his two laptops featuring BCC and Kulturblog bouncing in rhythm]

Steve: Hello, hello. I am back!

Nate: Oh, Steve , I can't believe how properly pumped up you really are! I was not really hoping you were gone forever!

Kaimi: Ya! You are the embodiment of perfect blogitude!

Steve : No, no, no.. relax, fellows, relax.

Nate: Hey, Steve , look at this! [ blogs ]

Kaimi: Ya! Look at this! [ blogs more vigorously ]

Steve: Oh, you guys make me sick. [ mimes vomiting ] This is what you have to do. Like this [ demonstrates dual blogging on both laptops at once, right hand blogging on BCC and left hand blogging on Kulturblog, all on billable time ] That's the way to do it! Look at you guys, how pitiful losers you are! You call yourselves lawyers? You know something? I hate the way you guys blog! What's the matter with you? I mean, I leave you here to become real hard-core blogginators, and look what you are - little boogers! I wanted you to become real big men; but you are tiny-men. Oh, come on, your blog makes me sick! And look at those sidebars, they look like little skinny sticks and you steal all your links from me! And those brown banners. Ugly, like muddy water. You guys should ask J.Stapley and Rusty to redesign your background. And believe me- [ sees sullen faces ] What's the matter?

Kaimi: It's no use, Steve...compared to you...we are losers. And not even the grown-up kind, the little baby losers.

Nate: Ya. You know, you could very easily out-blog us with your littlest finger, and send us spiraling down into the MoArch Occasional Islands until we landed in our own baby poop, like the blog about at Sexundpoopatorium.

Steve: I know. I know, you're right. But don't be downing yourself too much now. Maybe a little bit, but not too much, right now anyway, at least not in my presence, you can down yourself more later. Listen to me now, and believe me later: it doesn't matter how much you pump up your blog stats, as long as you reach your full pooptential, like FMHLisa.

Kaimi: Oh... okay...

Nate: Ya, I think I understand, Steve. 'Sank you.

Kaimi: Ya. Ya, Steve . You've given us something to hear now, and something to think about later.

Steve: Ya. But now, hear this: "BCC will always crush T&S and FMH in the Niblets, no matter what you do to pump your stats up!"

5 comments

Anonymous said... @ March 2, 2007 at 2:32 PM

I think we all just heard FMH Lisa say that size matters.

Anonymous said... @ March 2, 2007 at 6:17 PM

Ah, the days when SNL had Dana Carvey.

Anonymous said... @ March 4, 2007 at 10:55 PM

The truely essential texts for feminists,
Happy Housewives, Betty Crocker Cookbook, Mrs. Dunwoody's Excellent Instructions for Homekeeping: , Drive Him Wild: A Hands-On Guide to Pleasuring Your Man in Bed

tracy m said... @ March 6, 2007 at 9:18 PM

One of the best ever.

Anonymous said... @ March 6, 2007 at 10:15 PM

That was funny. But I shouldn't publicly laugh at my friends' expense.

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