Nacle TV: 24

CNU, O'Brien?

Chloe, I need to speak to the president!

(deep voice) Brother Bauer? What a surprise.

This is Agent Jack Bauer, authentication code Palymyra 1-8-2-0. I need to speak to the president.

I represent the "brethren," Jack, you know that. Have you successfully infiltrated.. the 'Nacle?

Yes. For several months now, I've been working undercover, and I have information that...

You haven't been compromised, have you, Bauer?

No! But the information I have, it's essential that you pass this on to the presi...

Have you become addicted?

Of course I'm not addicted. To the petty infighting? To obsessive talk about sex?

Yes, we know. The "I'm cooler than him" battles, all the inactives, the navel gazing, the squabbles, the utter waste of time and effort... So what is this call about, Brother Bauer?

I've uncovered some information that must be given to the brethren. You see, the whole operation--it's a setup, a scam, a fraud...

What are you saying, Bauer?

I'm saying that the entire Nacle is the work of one sick, deranged person.

One person? Writing as all those quirky, self-obsessed freaks? Even the sincere, thoughtful, interesting people?

Yes, yes. The diaper stories, the cat fights, the never ending sex talk, the excruciating, mind-numbing discussions of gospel minutiae, he even created the scandals... You must warn the brethren, this guy is dangerous...

Who is it, Jack? KaiWeng? Steve-a-reeno?

Get me on board Huntsman One, and when I reach safety, I'll inform you of the..

Where are you?

Let's just say I'm nearby.

This is a major development, Brother Bauer. We're going to bring you in.

No! You can't! Months of work will be wasted...

(muffled) That's him, conference center observation deck. Send the field agents...

@*%@$&! Chloe, you've got to find me a way out of here!!

Okay Jack, disguise yourself as a hobo, and exit through the...

Chloe: Wait, Jack, infrared shows two agents approaching...

Hi, Brother Bauer? We understand you'd like a tour of the facility.

(scoffs) You two? They sent the two of you? Don't you know who I am?

(giggles) Of course, Brother Bauer.

(points to companion) That's why she'll pull your tongue out of your nose if you make one wrong move. Now, could we ask you to step through this doorway, please?

%)*%@$&!

NEXT WEEK, on 24: 'Nacle...

Chloe! I'm in the Granite Mountain records vault, and I need backup!!