Beavis: Huh, huh, you said "come", huh, huh.

Butthead:Feminist Mormon Housewives? That reminds me of that Aerosmith video at the end where Steven Tyler is leaving all those hot housewives in lingerie. Housewives. Yeah. Huh, huh. Hot.

Oh, so very, very funny. In a guest post apparently written by the Deacon's Quorum, the gals at FMH troll new depths of puerile stupidity and call it "funny", "hysterical" and "hilarious". Hills=boobs. Get it? Haw haw. That was such a knee-slapper I bruised my thigh. How firm a foundation. Get it? Firm? I guess they are talking about their control top panties, girdles and padded bras.

Every time fMhLisa posts this rubbish we sit and wonder, "Could it get any worse?" And it does. Which, in and of itself, is stunning. But, aside from it being amazingly and astoundingly (fMhBeavis: huh, huh, you said "ass") bad, it just begs the question: How is this a "feminist" blog? Just because it is run by women? But if they act like teenage boys (always talking about porn, wanking, poop and smut) at what point is their self-applied moniker of "feminist" impeached by their own lack of feminism?

JetExhaustBoy, named for all the hot air he produces, has decided the Bloggernacle has jumped the shark. How novel. Naturally, people with heavy investments in the Nacle have come to the defense. Most notable is Steve "I may be a lawyer, but I am so very not like those other lawyers on the Nacle" Evans, who atually goes out of his way to back up the dumptruck of love on HottAirBoy and unload. In the process of slapping him down, Evans works in a couple of underhanded cheap shot at the Blog of the Living Dead, which is always welcome.

But, more importantly, it raises the real question: What is/are/were, some of the highest points in the Bloggernacle history? Nominations anyone? Kaimi and Greenwood not blogging anymore is pretty awesome, but those are negative examples. What are some of the high moments? Since it looks like the Niblets aren't coming back, what do all of you think are the peaks in this trough of swill?

Its not surprising that you find Big Egos in the 'Nacle. Some 'Nacleites believe the world revolves around their commentary and their words are read at the highest levels of 50 E. North Temple in Salt Lake City.

Then there are those who are sure every knock at the door and ring of the telephone is an LDS Jack Bauer coming to take them down for their forays into the wonderful world of blogging.

Well, in yet another splendid example of musical parody, we've come up with a new theme song for the 'Nacle's Tin Foil Hat Brigade. So, sing along to the Rockwell tune of "Somebody's Watching Me":

I run a boring blog, I live a boring life
I blog the whole day through, hey pal, I pay the price.
All I want is to rant in peace, vent my average spleen
But why do I always feel
Like I’m in the Foyer Scene? And…

[chorus]
I always feel like somebody’s monitoring me
Working for Mitt Romney, whoa-oa-oa
I always feel like somebody’s watching me
Tell me, is it just fantasy?

When I come blog at night
I close the firewall real tight
People comment especially those I’m trying to avoid
Do the people at Church HQ read me, or am I just paranoid?
(author’s note – linked to “Whistleblower” comment #17637. Snarking would be so much easier if the FMH links worked properly)
When I surf the ‘Nacle, I’m afraid to let down my hair
Cause I might open my eyes and find Mulling & Musing commenting there!
People say I’m paranoid, just a little touch
But maybe the Church CIO’s blog has got me spooked too much.

Who's monitoring me?
I don't know anymore!
Is Mitt Romney watching me?
Who's watching?
Are the Snarkers watching me?
Who’s watching?
Are the ‘Nacle Admins watching me?
Tell me who's watching?
And I don't feel intellectually free anymore, oh what a mess!
I wonder who's watching me now?
Who, the CES?!
[Chorus to end]

In a free association word game, nothing comes to mind faster in response to "gourmet" than "Mormon Ward Potluck". Totally the best food ever. I know my first introduction to bacon-wrapped, fillet mignon cooked over an apple wood barbecue was at an YM/YW Super Saturday. And, who could forget those hand-dipped Belgian chocolate covered strawberries drizzled with raspberry coulis made by every visiting teacher? Certainly not me. Love them. And don't even get me started on that fresh Washington Salmon stuffed with King crab and Maine lobster cooked on a cedar plank they serve every year at the Ward Holiday Party. Drooluscious.

And, fairly so, Lady Justice has finally intervened and had Saveur Magazine focus it's Epicurian spotlight on the One True Dessert which heralds the educated LDS palette: Green Jell-O Salad. Its about fetchin time.

Click the images above for full size scans suitable for printing and inserting into your cook book. Like you don't already have a Jell-O salad recipe, but, hey, you could always use another one!

Scanned from pages 97-98 of issue 99 of Saveur Magazine, which is probably copyrighted. This particular issue is a special edition, so it has no date on it. It lists the 100 favorite foods, restaurants, drinks, people, places and things of the magazine staff. No, the Green Jell-O Salad is not one of the 100. The whole thing is terribly ironic as the magazine is horribly snooty and pretentious, featuring preposterously haute cuisine, and somehow Jell-O salad and funeral potatoes got in there.

Dehlin's MoSto isn't listed on the MoArch anymore, so John decided to recreate the wheel in his own image.

You know, that is what the Bloggernacle really needs: another boring aggregator. Like ldsblogs.org, ldsdefect.org, mormon-blogs.com, sustaind.org and planet.kzion.com are not enough. Nope, we need another aggregator, one that differentiates itself by listing BCC as a "Conservative" blog. Or is it "Moderate" blog? Now that is novel. Moderately conservative? Conservatively moderate, I guess.

Sorry, John, what the Bloggernacle really needs is something different. Something that shakes things up. And, no, sorry, labeling BCC as "conservative" and "moderate" doesn't qualify as earth-shattering.

As if DKL's "anonymous permablogger" post on Molesters attending Church at Mormentily wasn't enough to beat the topic into the ground, FMH has posted another anonymously submitted, very similar post on the very same subject. Did Red Hat Dan the Deranged Democrat want to keep passionately appealing to dispassionate discussion on the topic and seed FMH? Did DKL not get enough of the subject already, and submit to FMH to really let things fly? And fly they do, as anti-mormon "Mary" joins the fray. Welcome to FMH, where anti-mormon women are welcome, but manly drill sergeants are not. Maybe Mary submitted anonymously, just so she could throw this zinger in? Who knows? Who cares?

What the Bloggernacle really needs is a big blog to pick up the topic and make it a trifecta. You know, like BCC picks it up reviews all of the relevant Dialogue articles and points out how thoughtful and sensitive they are given the difficulty of the topic, or T&S picks it up and talks about the legalistic implications of the Church's position and attempted actions, or M* picks up the ball from Dan and presents it as a vast horrible conspiracy designed to torment divorced fathers (and to celebrate the trifecta, all of your comments appear three times in the Recent Comments bar). Yes, that is what we need to put this dead horse into a shallow grave, once and for all, for 2007 anyway.

Some people like manly men, but the chicks at FMH sure don't. Nope, they like men who apologize for having a Y in the last pair of their chromosomes and admit it is an intrinsic flaw. So when a manly man, one who is not apologizing for having an outie instead of an innie, stands up and has the nerve to point out that women in general are not suited to armed combat, he is attacked for it. Quimby jumps all over him with the classically brilliant, totally unassailable (among this audience) logic of impugning his wiener. Yup. Naturally, this is a popular tactic, and others immediately join in. The whole thing then devolves into to the prototypical idiotic tirade of irrational misattribution, straw men and vain attempts on the manly man's part to intelligently explain his position while having his position distorted.

Of course, JohnR steps into the vomitorium and takes advantage of the situation to shoehorn in some brown nosing on Quimby, while insulting the manly man, blaming him for all the vomit the gals have spewed up.

He might have had a tough time getting dates in ancient Rome, but on FMH this guy would fit right in. Move over JohnR, you have some competition.

In any other forum discussing some other topic in a similar fashion, someone like Quimby would be quickly assailed as an irrational extremist who's views do not represent the mainstream. But not on FMH, where she is repeatedly praised for her ranting diatribes and irrelevant tangents that play on standard feminist rhetoric. If you ever wanted to see what a frustrated, angry, unhappy woman looks like online, here she is. The saddest thing is the women there at FMH are spurring her on in her miserable, irrational rants that run ad nauseam.

Thanks, I think, to anonymous for pointing out this week's Festival of Contention. Since I am not a masochist, I don't read FMH.

Yeah, Clark at Kulturblorg and Danny at DissnotiveBloggance think they are all down with it, like they are reporting from CES and what not. Yeah, like you guys are chilling with Dvorak and all that.

These two uber nrrds gots nuthin on the Prime Snarker. Yeah, that's right. I gots the connections, friends in all the right places. That is how I got my hands on the Apple Phone yesterday. Yeah, you two losers wait for June. I got the real deal right here, suckas! And I am going to review it like a pro!



Once I plugged this bad boy in, the dial tone was awesome. Clear as a good ol' Ma Bell. Natch, I chose tone over pulse by flippin da switch in back. The buttons have super awesome clicking action, smooth like butter, with a clean click and excellent rebound. The ear piece is functional and stylish. Yeah, I know all you geeks are jealous. Take a bite out of this apple, losers!

Call me John, I gots the goods, but I can share.

GeoffJ, one of the Bloggernacle elite who administers the Mormon Archipelago, has been so concerned about the DAMU storming the gates of the Nacle he has suspended blogs from the MoArch listing. Take the brouhaha over MormonStories.org and a similar flap over Zelophehad's Daughters (sorry, no link, unlike Dehlin, they kept the temporary delisting quiet). Both were suspended because of heavy DAMU commenting activity, and Geoff wanted to kick MormonStories.org off permanently, but the rest of the MoArch Bored of Directors didn't agree with him so they let them back on. But, now that MoSto has been resurrected, guess who is no longer part of the MoArch?

But, lo, and behold! His own blog is now a gathering place for non-mormon Nacle trolls like Aaron, who runs the MormonWiki.org anti-mormon site and Todd, a Baptist preacher who runs a blog that critiques Mormonism based on Nacle content. You see, Geoff has got himself quite the collection of speculating blowhards, which creates the perfect conditions for grazing anti-mormons looking for blatant examples of goofy doctrine to point their fingers at.

According to GeoffJ's own rules of banishment from the MoArch, he had better suspend his own blog to keep the vile hordes from overrunning the pure Zion community of the Bloggernacle. Right? Or do the rules not apply to him?

Dear John R.,

This letter serves to notify you that pursuant to section 5.01a of the Guy Code of Conduct, your guy card has hereby been revoked on the following grounds:

1) that you have parroted feminist dogma ad nauseum on repeated occasions [GCC Sec 12.1-12.6b: "Talk like a guy"],

2) your claim to have worn a feminist t-shirt (albeit blue) while in the public venue [GCC Sec 6.5-6.7: "Dress like a guy", GCC Sec 8.1: "Taboo conversation: Clothing/Hair"].

(BTW, if you ever wear one of these, we'll send in a rapid-response Delta team and take you out.)

This revocation is effective immediately, by unanimous act and motion of the International Guy Card Council. You are welcome to appeal this Council's decision, but bear in mind you would be in direct violation of Sec. 19.5, "Whining".

P.S. Don't feel bad. fmhRich had his card revoked for urinating while seated in a public lavatory, in direct violation of GCC Sec 21.1-3: "Conduct in Public Lavatories", and quite likely GCC Sec 21.4: "Always Kick the Handle".

JohnR, the post-mo pro-feminist evangelist proprieter of mind on fire, has succesfully ingratiated himself with the bloggernacle rock-star fMhLisa (and by "rock star" we understand that he means to say something flattering, but we all know how cool "rock stars" really are, and how...feminist they are...I mean, what is the first thing that comes to mind when you think "gender sensitivity"? ROCK & ROLL!!! Yeah) to score himself a guest stint of brown nosing.

Naturally, JohnR has been hitting all the predictable topics. Yawntastic. He is no doubt going to post on Womyn & Priesthood with scintilating new insight into the subject. Don't forget Polygamy, Patriarchy, Masterbating and the rest of the canned standards. Oh, yeah, throw in some poop stories, just to fit in with the girls there.

Rumor has it, to end his two week stint at FMH, JohnR will voluntarily undergo castration, which would only make literal what has figuratively been the case for some time now. Kaimi will be delivering the antimasculine coup de grâce, given his pro-feminist street cred, to herald his return to blogging, after he finally finishes grading those 55 exam papers, which keep him too busy to post at T&S, but not comment at FMH, ExMonent2 and Z'sD's, because he is a feminist like that.

You know, it isn't bad enough that John Mansfield, who happens to linkback his name to the M0, goes and says this:

This happenned at our building one Sunday morning a few months ago, but with a box of kittens. I don’t know what became of them; maybe the bishop killed them.

on a thread talking about a girl that abandoned her baby at an LDS meeting house, and the result was actually something good happening to the baby. Now, Geoff B goes off and rants about how the recent heavy snow in Colorado proves all these Katrina disaster victims are just a bunch of whiners who need to take responsability for themselves and stop blaming their own lack of preparation on the Federal Government. Nice. Talk about comparing apples and oranges, these guys aren't even in the same grocery store.

Next up from the M0 grace and compassion team: Minutes from Iranian Holocaust Conference, Comments on Why Anna Nicole Smith's Son Really Died, and enlightening insights into Ashley, the pillow Angel, from your ever sensitive hosts who never have a political axe to grind.