File under: jumptheshark.com/LDSblogs

The menacing shark prowled the waters below BCC.

The fearless Steve "Fonzie" Evans defies death by jumping the shark! Could this mean the end is near?

The anxious Nacle crowd looks on, from afar.

He hits the ramp, he's in the air! Will he make it? Will our fearless Nacle stalwart make it to blog another day?

Find out, after these messages!

Ken Jennings, star champion of ABC's "Jeopardy!" drinks IBC root beer. Shouldn't you? IBC: The Beverage of Champions!

He's in the air! Will he make it?!

*SPLASH* It seems that the Nacle's recent lack of substantive content and posting has cushioned Evans' fall! He made it!

Whew, close one!

Admin caution: Keep the "Whack/No Whack" talk over on BCC... please... for the sake of the children.

You know its getting bad when Rusty beats us to the punch in snarking Kaimi for serving up stale horseburgers.

But, never fear intrepid Naclers! Team SnarkerNacle is here to help you avoid all of this nonsense by creating a new logo that all permabores must use from now on whenever they are posting on some tired old subject (like the nth permutation on homosexual something or other for example). Other boring bloggers must use it too! We, the tired readers with flame war weary eyes insist!

As long as you permabores use it on your post, we, the esteemed members of Team SnarkerNacle, promise not to snark that post, no matter how much of a retread it is. However, if you refuse to use it, we will include you in the weekly Baniku Burger roundup, and heap infamy on your head. Come on, this is a win-win situation (we even wrote it in Latin so Nate can read it!), you permabores self-label your gratuitous blogging floggings, and we the readers are spared reading your tired faltering blatherings. Yay!

So use it, or be trampled by the Four My Little Ponies of the Apocalypse!

File under: Ugly infighting

...to be scourged by faggots.

Adam Greenwood, pillar of exalted virtues, is not content to castigate the Nacle in general and his fellow permabores in specific with attempts to corral them with his righteous platitudes. No. He also has to point out to everyone that while he may be mean, critical, and hurtful to people’s feelings, so was Abinadi, so that makes it OK.

Some take him to task for his rather self-serving likening of the scriptures unto himself, but he ignores this based on the lack of ontological differences between God, prophets and himself. Anger is OK for Adam too, even though it really isn't. I don't know about you, but I have a tough time seeing GBH (or any other ancient or modern prophet) yelling at someone, frothing at the mouth the way Adam surely does. I guess that isn't an "ontological difference".

And, so, gentle readers, it looks like some behind the scenes contention there at T&S has resulted in Adam discovering he is cut from the same cloth as Abinadi and has spilled out into the public side of the Nacle with KHH and Kaimi kicking him in the shins over it (if anyone has any inside dirt, send it to snarkernacle@yahoo.ca). Shouldn't be too long before the other permabores roast Abinadam on the bonfire of their virtual vanities and then start in on each other.

Marshmallows anyone?

Let's get stoned, man! tmiLisa will be there, too! Here's a synopsis of her panel discussion:

The appearance of a "popular" new blog, “Feminist Mormon Housewives,” signals the rise of a new wave of feminism within sidestream online Mormonism as another generation of Mormon women confronts the problems of dirty diapers and frequency of sexual relations among married Church members.

How is blogging—-with its capacity to reach large numbers of people without requiring anything of them but donations to pay the bills and keep your blog operating--affecting the possibilities of feminism within the LDS Church?

Will pay-as-you-read Internet sex-talk forums help Mormon women be more aware of the problems of gender inequity in the Church and enable them to meet these challenges without being forced to choose between Mormonism and online exhibitionism?

Don't miss this event, folks. It's sure to be a humdinger!

as sung by Kiskillilli, JWL, with background vocals by Leahhona

I love to flee the temple
I'll never go again
Filled with the spirit of contention
You must listen to what I say
For it is filled with a right-wing agenda
A place of patriarchal oppression
I'll do all I can
To keep others out
This is my feminist duty.

You too must flee the temple
You shouldn't go someday
If you can't cov'nant with your Mother
What's the point of going?
Focus only on the Eternal Marriage, and
Forget we can be sealed together
As a daughter of Goddess
We've learned this truth:
I'll ne'er hearken to my husband.

Anyone who has spent much time at all on the Bloggernacle knows T&S is the big senescent blog and the BCC is the young upstart blog trying to eclipse it. The thing is, they are morphing into odd caricatures of one another where their identities are being defined more as "not that other blog" than anything else. Any doubt of that was laid to rest today as the two of them mirror imaged each other in utterly strange ways. One careens into absurd unmoderated contention which drives the thread to be shut down, while the other graciously accepts all comers (perhaps silently deleting or editing anything inappropriate) and is pretty much contention free.

Not quite opposites, more like complimentary inverses. Take for example JMS's entirely too typical self-righteous rants and pouting contrasted with Evans' gratuitous empathy and pathos-filled apologies. If the two of them were in the same room, would their energies annihilate one another? Anyone want to contribute to get Julie a plane ticket to the Seattle Bloggersnacker and find out if the Nacle is summarily destroyed? I'll put up the first $20.

Steve Evans tells us he's converting to Scientology, since that's where all the really famous people are. And hey, Evans even has experience "acting".

Evans: SCIENTOLOGY!! HIGH FIVE JOHN TRAVOLTA!!!! WOOO!!!

Oops, looks like Travolta left Steve hanging... Amri's got this dance, Steve:

Amri: Stayin' alive with Scientology!

HT: Prime Snarker

Team SnarkerNacle has obtained, through great personal sacrifice and grave danger, copies of BCC's GoogleTalk IM chats, to discover the reason Ronan has been entirely unseen not only on BCC, but also on the Nacle in general. Excerpt follows:

Ronan is Online

Steve Evans: Ronan, its about time you got online! You are shirking your responsability to keep BCC's content superior to T&S's by not posting in your alloted time schedule and making pithy comments to other's posts!

Ronan Head: BUGGER OFF!
[translated: Leave me alone]

Steve: Ronan, as a contributing member you are expected to contribute!

Ronan: Sha oop ya blooee gawb!!!
[translated: be quiet you irritating jerk]

Steve: Ronan, come on, this is a team effort and we all need to bear the weight of overthrowing T&S and showing the Bloggernacle we are eminently superior to them in every respect! That includes you.

Ronan: BOLLOCKS! Footie on the telly! Een GUH LUND!!!
[translated: so what? soccer is on the television, and I am rooting for my home team]

Steve: Ronan, we have an image to maintain, and you know Americans don't care about Soccer and ...

Ronan is Offline

Steve: sigh

Intended recipient is offline and probably has not recieved your message.

*Translation of Angry Footballer Hooligan Britspeak to American English provided by FreeTranslation.com

Sunday was Fathers' Day around the bloggernacle. Except on FMH, where we are reminded that, in the big scheme of things, fathers really ain't got nothin on their wives.

And while we're at it, if you chumps aren't going to take the trash out and get the car fixed, why don't you just go to your room while we women handle it.

And dear, don't forget what they tell you every Fathers' Day, during Sacrament Meeting about D&C 121:39. You'd better just watch it buster!

Yes honey. We know. Do I at least get a card?

Kage's bags are packed, she's ready to go,
She's standin' outside the kids' door,
She hates to wake them up and drag them along...

But the clock is tickin', it's time to go,
Gate check the stroller and small bags stow,
Already she's so tired... she could die.
(oh, she could die!)


(chorus)

So be-have and smile for mom,
Don't make jokes about a bomb,
No juice now so you won't "have to go"...

'Cause Kage's leaving on a jet plane,
I don't know when she'll be sane again.
Oh, Kage, we feel your pain...


Curb check the bags, don't forget the tip,
Most airlines charge 2 bucks--a rip,
Skycaps get stiffed and your bags go to Rome.

Every place she goes, there in Utah,
She'll pack carseats to obey the law,
When she comes back she'll never leave her home...
(oh, ne'er leave home..)


(chorus)

So be-have and smile for mom,
Don't make jokes about a bomb,
No juice now so you won't "have to go"...

'Cause Kage's leaving--on a jet plane!
I don't know when she'll be sane again.
Oh, Kage... we feel your pain...

As the T&S Permabore crowd has returned to the seemingly endless debate on the Word of Wisdom, I came upon a super-secret sealed portion of the Church Handbook of Instructions. Skillfully removing the sealing band with my new and improved Leatherman tool, I came across a shocking addendum to the Word of Wisdom.

After a number of years, Bishops may come to find the afternoon sessions with members seeking confessional, counsel, or simply a sounding board upon which to unload their troubles and opinions to be quite unbearable. It is with this in mind that an exception to the Word of Wisdom has been made.

Bishops may, at their discretion, prior to the first of the aforementioned afternoon sessions, imbibe a maximum of two "shots" of any of the below listed spirits:

• Jack Daniels

• Johnny Walker (Red or Black Label)

• Jim Beam

It is hoped this exception will enable Bishops to more effectively endure the burdens of their office.

Wow. You learn something new every day.

Fathers’ Day is this Sunday, and we're wondering where the bloggernacle fathers are. So what if the scriptures and our prophets tell us that children and family life are pretty much the main reasons why we’re here on this earth, it is pretty obvious most men bloggers don't think one iota about their kids.

Perhaps these are some reasons for the relative silence on the subject:

1. My life is all about me, I blog about me, I am important, my children are ontologically irrelevant.

2. Your children do not make interesting subjects for blogging.

3. My wife blogs about the children, I don’t have anything to add.

4. I don’t have children...yet.

5. I do blog about my children, but nobody reads my blog, so its the same as not blogging on my children.

File under: Covers

Watching Pixar
I feel safest of all
It won't hurt my kid's ears
It's the only way to blog
In cars

Here in my car
I can only receive
I can listen to you
Don't have to post for two days
In cars

Here in my car
Who says my image breaks down
Will you comment lots please?
Yes, its a crosspost
On cars

Here in my blog
I only wish I could think
of something original
Although nothing seems right
Only cars

Dazzle and Shizzle recently returned from the film set of a new Bloggernacle advertisement. We noted two Nacle stalwarts starring in the clandestine meeting of... the Mo-Men!

Steve Young: Welcome everyone, to the Mo-Man Law discussion group. Ricky, care to read the minutes from our last meeting?

Ricky Schroder: Unanimously approved Mo-Man law #452, stating "After a child's head strikes the chapel pew, fathers must remove the child from the chapel prior to the child's second breath inhalation."

Young: Thanks, Ricky. I'd like to welcome our newest member, Nevada's Senator Harry Reid.

Harry Reid: Do ya feel lucky, punks?

Young: Easy there, Senator... You're in the club. No need to impress anyone.

Reid: Thanks, fellas.

Young: It's always nice to have a prominent politician amongst our ranks.

Reid: It's my pleasure.

Young: Uh, I was referring to Governor Huntsman.

Reid: ...

Jon Huntsman, Jr.: Anyone got change for a million? I want to get a Caffeine Free Diet Coke from the machine downstairs.

Reid: Brethren, we need to speak about a matter of utmost importance. Something that affects every Brother in this country, and in fact, much of the world. It's an undue hardship to be borne thanks to the penny-pinching member among us. Does anyone know what I'm talking about?

Ken Jennings: What are "Elders Quorum members moving a piano?" I'd like "Back Pain Remedies" for $500, Alex.

Michael McLean: Spoken like a true Elders Quorum president. If you can afford a piano, you can afford to pay someone to move it for you. It's unthinkable to have another man move your piano.

Rulon Gardner: Pianos ain't so bad. You guys are a bunch of soft wimps! Once you get them up on your back they're easy to move.

DKL: I hate those @$!*&% pianos.

Stephen R. Covey: Well put, DKL. I'm tired of moving other peoples' *@(!^%!%$ pianos, too.

Larry H. Miller: Pianos are the first thing loaded on the van, so the last thing to come off. You spend all day moving someone's crap into their house, and just when you're exhausted, you uncover the @$!*&% piano they didn't tell you about.

Jennings: What is, "Oops, didn't I tell you about the piano?" I'd like "Mormons are Cheapskates" for $800.

Donny Osmond: I propose a Mo-Man law. The "@(*%&!$* Piano Disclosure Law".

Young: Proposed Mo-Man law #453, "@(*%&!$* Piano Disclosure Law of 2006". Members requesting priesthood assistance to move must disclose any @(*%&!$* pianos they own. Legal counsel? I should note that Nate, the Mo-Man Chief Legal Counsel, was unable to make this meeting due to his new pointy-headed academic status.

Steve Evans: I think we need to clearly define what constitutes a "@(*%&!$* piano". Pianos should not be left to chance. Perhaps any musical instrument weighing over 50 pounds, or having a mean weight density greater than a #45 pail of cracked red wheat.

Young: So amended. All in favor?

Covey: I'll drink an IBC to that! Pass 'em around, gentlemen. Ricky, what's on the agenda for our next meeting?

Schroder: The next meeting shall address the concern "Does having the guys over to watch the BYU game count as a home teaching visit?"

Young: Thank you, brethren, for your work. This meeting is adjourned.

In the tradition of pummeling, kicking, smacking, and otherwise beating the dead horse subject of polygamy, FMHer Rebecca trots out the example of FMH's third most despised Apostle in order to make her point about the inequality inherent in the system.

I don't know about you, but a petition for the "removal" of an Apostle signed by a grand total of 142 people - including Usama bin Laden and Belezebub - is quite comical. I'm sure the site's owner was grateful for the FMH plug.

Then, of course, come the comments. The Apostle in question recently remarried - in the Temple (thus drawing the ire of the FMH community) - after the death of his first wife. I thought one of the tenets of true feminism was the requirement to judge women by their accomplishments, intellect, and social graces rather than age and appearance.

One of the highlights of the "discussion" was this gem:

Also, I was more disturbed by the relative youth of Elder Nelson's new wife than by his polygamy. Does anyone know if this is a recent picture? She looks young enough to be his daughter.

Well, there's a woman who truly *judges* people she's never met based solely on a picture. True feminism.

Then, true to form, other FMH peanut gallery regulars stand, grab the nearest rock, and proceed to criticize this woman's written work despite the fact few if any have actually read what she wrote.

Yep, this is true compassion and tolerance on parade.

Since BYU is out of session, Daniel Peterson, occasional Naccler, is bored and trolling for fun. So he hops onto google and site searches his name to turn up a thread that is over a year old and takes a hyper-literal approach to something obviously tongue in cheek in order to stir up some trouble. Then he hops on over onto to a more recent thread to share the love by resurrecting it too after three days in the tomb, firing all rockets on full. How nice. Ah, those out-of-work, apologists got to keep the saw sharp somehow when the anti-mormons aren't biting.

File under: Semi-solicited advice

Roo has a problem, and needs our help. I hereby tender my advice:

First, remember the counsel we receive in the New Testament:

"I say not unto thee, Until seven times: but, Until seventy times seven."

Judging by scriptural reference alone, they're allowed to hit your house--penalty free--up to 490 times. We recommend you keep a log book and document the time and date of each ball that pelts your house or garden. If you can specifically document any past infractions, your tally will go up faster.

Now, ball #491? That's a different story. Display a banner on the side of your home indicating "Roo's new foul ball policy":


We remain confident that your home will no longer be the batting cage backstop.

Disclaimer: SN Industries, Ltd. semi-solicited advice is offered without warranty or guarantee. SN Industries assumes no responsibility for consequences resulting from use of the information contained herein or in any respect for the content of such information. Shizzle owes me $10. SN Industries expressly disclaims all liability for, damages of any kind arising out of use, reference to, reliance on, or performance of such information.

Bob, of Bob and Logan decided to try to shill his "brandnew" used books on BCC, as opposed to his own blog and it looks like he got shot down pretty quick. But, not before we could make a screen grab:



Hey, when your own blog gets no traffic, why not use your Author status at a big blog to make sure you get top dollar for your cast offs? Hey works for me. Anyone interested in some little white sun dresses with embroidered hems?

Having nothing else to discuss and nothing original to say, everyone else is now jumping on the gay bandwagon. Even The Wiz at MMW got into the action with euphemistic talk of twinkies.

Mokey see, monkey do. The only benefit of this is it will completely exhaust the subject for at least a couple of months once its all over and done with.

P.S., Kaimi, you are just upset the Snarkette ignored your pathetically weak, not to mention hypocritical, snark submission. Next time get a screengrab and send it in with your submission, then maybe we'll use it.