That this wheat be made into something more easily digested, I have taken some time out from my busy schedule to offer a translation to the Mormons, whom to be made to understand has been like splitting hemlock knots with a corn-dodger for a wedge, and a pumpkin for a beetle, although in a case like this it is entirely excusable. Here is my translation for the Bloggernacle, that I might render it a bit more plain:

Terryl Givens has written a new book, and it is unique.

He is an able and authoritative commentator on Mormon arts and letters.

He offers penetrating insights on a topic which lends itself to boring prose, but keeps his writing engaging.

Givens explores the interplay of Mormon religion and culture.

While some would dismiss cultural theories in examining art, Givens argues persuasively that they should be taken into account.

Givens also wonders how the art and culture has influenced the religion.

Ms. R. considers Givens' book to be seminal in the discussion of Mormon culture and art.

Sister Welch, I thank you for taking the time to write such an excellent and comprehensive review of Brother Givens' new book. Upon the next endeavor, please do me the favor of writing in such a manner that it be comprehensible and not imponderable to the Saints, that they might benefit thereby forthwith and without additional explication. Remember what Nephi son of Lehi said about plainness. As I have many pressing matters to attend to, I would consider it a personal favor to relieve me of the obligation of translating abstruce texts in like manner in the future.

Sincerest salutations, yours very kindly,

Brother Joseph.

Hey, guess what? Feminists like other feminists and find them sexy, and love to read statistics that prove what they always knew. In other news, registered Democrats don't vote for Republicans, dogs aren't cats and tautologies cannot be made false by mere mortals.

Here are some more useful statistics for you:

100% of Mormon Bloggers love bloggers who are Mormon who agree with everything they say and post salutary, sycophantic comments.

0% of Mormon Bloggers like being snarked by SnarkerNacle Industries LTD., more reviled than DKL, more often banned than outspoken conservatives at BCC and critical commentators at T&S, less side-blog linked than NDBF Gary.

You can quote me as a source.

More amusing is Quimby's defense of the Clintons after mami points out the irony here. Sorry, Quimby, but Bill's feminism is weak, at best. Defend lying adulterers (D-NY) while attacking LDS Church leaders (R-Utah). More circular logic, eh? Defend those in your political circle. Heads up guys, as long as you talk the talk, you can cheat on your wife and lie about it. With a stunning example like this, no wonder guys want to be feminists.

If the Bloggernacle had Laws governing it, one of them would surely be Thou Shalt Discuss Excrement Often, and Not Withold the Contents of Thy Bowels, or Loins, or Anything Like Unto It from Your Readers, for they are Beholden to it, No Matter How Odiferous, Rancid, or Putrescent it May Be Unto Thee, for Thine Uncleanness Shall Be Multiplied Upon Thine Readers and Therefore Not Upon Thee.

Seriously people, what is it about the Bloggernacle that has dookie being the "go to" topic? FMH does it regularly, TftC has been emulating them, BCC has dipped their toe in the honey pot, and now NCT has gone down with the brown. Matt W half-heartedly tries to turn it into an intellectual discussion on why people could be so inconsiderate in making messes with it and whether that is some indicator of socio-economic status, or some other such rot. But, the bulk of the discussion is about plain old crap.

Yes, everyone does it. Everyone burps, farts, picks their nose, scratches themselves, and engages in various other gender and non-gender-specific bodily functions too. Nobody talks about them on the Bloggernacle. Just poop. Which really is discriminatory to all the other personal hygiene-related topics. I mean, come on, someone really could work farting and burping, but nobody does. Which suggests the Bloggernacle is either bigoted against all others forms of hygiene-related exposition, or they are obsessive about it. Not sure which.

Aside from Dialogue not being populated with Jedi writers, this thread on greed has some interesting revelations. A couple of people pop in to point out they are wise and just stewards, while many more embittered people rant about their inability to buy in an up market. The only rant-maker honest enough to expose the source of his anger is DKL. Great! So as soon as the market starts cooling off, a market that spiraled wildly up because of greed, there are more greedy people like DKL waiting in the wings to soften the fall by scooping up houses when the market goes soft. So, in other words, DKL, the market will not burn as you wish it would, because of...people like you.

And, while Sam MB laments the moral and spiritual health Mormons, the home-buying Mormons of the Bloggernacle lament their inability to buy in an up market and bitterly fantasize about "the house to which we could upgrade in a more reasonable market", rather than discuss what Mormons can do to address the underlying problem of greed which created and fuels the problem. Why repent when you can wait for market forces to change in your favor?

Ms. Ardis takes Will Bagley, et al. to task for being axe-griding anti-Mormons, and rightly so. But, the manner in which she does so is decidedly snarky, and fellow T&S permabore Nate joins right in. Will Bagley shows up and complains about the treatment, but Ardis defends her snarkiness as a legitimate approach that is not a charter-violating personal attack (apparently, insinuating they are asses is not a personal attack, perhaps saying "Will Bagley is an ass" is, but indirectly suggesting he is isn't...not at T&S anyway).

Ah, me, this is all very comforting. You see, the permabores at T&S often complain they are targets of SnarkerNacle. It is good to see they have come around to accepting things as we see it, and will from now on be more open to such fun. As long as we only insinuate they are asses and don't actually say they are, then it will all be in accordance with their way of doing business, right? Good, glad we have that settled.

Here is this Halloween's List of blogs to read while listening to Beethoven's 5th Symphony:

Anemic Looking a little peaked.

Millennial Star
Straight and Narrow Blog
Mormon Metaphysics


Moribund The walking dead.

Blogger of Jared
Prayer of Faith
Spinozist Mormon
Cold and Calculating
No Death Before the Fall


Rigor Mortis Deeply interred.

LDS Patriot
Rock of Salvation
The Iron Rod
Mormon Open Forum
Popcorn Popping
Purim
Bob and Logan
Ironic Priesthood
LDS Liberation Front
Viva Ned Flanders
The Rocky Shore
Latter Day Blog


Actually, most of these going defunct makes us Happy! Did we miss any?


This Halloween is pretty uneventful. In 2005, Halloween was just about when Banner of Heaven imploded and the fallout was absolutely awful. And in 2006, Halloween was pretty much when Mark Butler pulled the wool over Millennial Star's eyes and lead them to near-extinction. This year? Really, its been pretty quiet. No tricks, just the lovely little treats of the above blogs going under.

Happy Pagan Orange and Black Celebration of Death and Decay! May your holiday be as filled with compost, offal and gangrene as the Bloggernacle is.

Rabid Dan just can't lay off the smack. Three days into his week-long fasting from politics on his own blog he is just doing it on a different blog. Dan, Dan, Dan, if there is "nothing enjoyable about it" then why can't you stop? Because you have a problem. The solution is obvious: The 12 Step Approach to Politics. Give it a shot, Dan. For yourself, for your family, for the Bloggernacle. Please.

BCC revels in the sort of squalor that usually afflicts FMH, providing first-person accounts of why the Bar was Raised when it comes to full-time missionaries.

I don't know which is worse, that Aaron, a celebrated BCC perma takes pleasure in presenting the worst as his best, or the way dedicated BCC fans love this kind of cynicism and praise his nihilism. What I do know is this kind of post speaks volumes about BCC in specific and the makeup of the Bloggernacle in general.

Hey everyone, I know you don't see much of me around the Bloggernacle, since none of you bother to listen to me (except for Bloggers of Jared, M&M, Jettboy, Connor Boyack, and M* Mark Butler), but a recent post needs to be addressed so you Liahona types don't wander totally off the straight and narrow path and drown in the filthy water.

Jacob at NCT is kinda sort of right but mostly wrong. While I am under strict non-disclosure agreements and cannot discuss what he does in his spare time, I can fairly state the obvious to bring it to people's attention that his Scriptures have been collecting dust for far too long. If they saw more use, he might have read this and this, which would have made it pretty clear I am not just effervescent vapor that people subjectively feel at their convenience.

No, I am a personage of spirit that has legs (no, there are no wings, sorry literalists, but this fine and pure matter I am made of means what you call "gravity" has no effect on me) and uses them whenever I see the need. And, as far as leaving the movie theater when the naughty bits parts come on, no, that is not how it works. I am clever and informed enough to not go in the first place, so I don't leave, because I was never there in the first place. Dropping the F-Bomb? Feel free to exercise your agency, and I will too by leaving you to play the fool. So, yes, people and things do offend me all the time, and I leave. I have agency just like you. So, there you have it.

Yes, yes, I will certainly work with all repentant sinners, like you bloggers, but there is that repentant thing there. Yes, sure, I do try to encourage even the unrepentant to repent, but, frankly, I have a busy schedule and can spend my time much more profitably working with people who are genuinely repentant, even when they do fall off the wagon now and again. As long as they keep getting back on.

Anyway, just to set things straight, I am a personage of spirit, if you irritate me I will get up and go, or preemptively leave in the event I see things going bad. But, no, that doesn't mean I will not come back and see what you are up to from time to time. And, no, I am not like the sun radiating truth into the universe, that analogy is lousy. The "truth is light" thing is metaphor, don't push it to hard, it was given to people who had no idea what the physics of light really is all about.

Thanks, and please, next time I suggest you do something, listen. Otherwise, you are on your own.

P.S., Oh, yes, and Jacob, the Lord doesn't lie, under any circumstances. Mahonri got it right. You? Not so much.

Rusty, the most metrosexual Mormon in the Bloggernacle has been having a tough time getting people to read his blog, mostly because the permas there aren't posting. So, in an effort to be even more in-your-face cutting edge, he blows Staper's white man's guilt out of the water by signing up the very first ever totally-out-of-the-closet Mormon Gay Man as a perma. Hey, wow, now there is some traffic generating controversy.

Come on, Rusty Flintstone, trying to be cutting edge is so last century. I mean, really, you already wear more eyeliner than Brandon Flowers, everyone knows Kaimi is just too scared to come out of the closet, and BCC and FMH regularly hug gays. The only thing 9M has is that Silus is out, but how "out" since Silus Grok is a pseudonym. Hellmut or Ann could easily one-up 9M by signing Nick Literski or MikeInWeHo. Then what?

Sorry, Fred, the Great Gazoo says you are digging in the wrong quarry. Bloggernacle Hipness is not accomplished by flouting the Big Blogs and collecting permas like trading cards. Content is king, nifty logos are Ikea. Keep trying.

Cold October night
All the leaves fallen down
And the snow on the ground freezing the feet
Lisa’s bus on the road
To the outside of town
And the sound of the whining wanna-be protest drum beat.

They stand with their home-made signs
In the cold, cold breeze
And that whining group
Telling nobody

It’s FMH Lisa!
FMH Lisa’s Traveling Protestation Show!
She’s packed up her babies,
She’s grabbed the old ladies
But nobody goes
Everyone knows
Sister FMH Lisa’s show.

[Sermon]
Reach out with your left hand, and stretch forth your “Impeach Bush Now” sign
…’cause that’s what its there for
Now take your right hand, and lock arms with the unkempt, unshaven, and unbathed hippie next to you…
…’cause that’s what he’s there for

Take my hand in yours
Whine with me this day
In my heart I know
I’ll make the Salt Lake Tribune’s front page!

It’s FMH Lisa!
FMH Lisa’s Traveling Protestation Show!
She’s packed up her babies,
She’s grabbed the old ladies
But nobody goes
Everyone knows
Sister FMH Lisa’s show.

You know, every time I read BCC I feel the Spirit leave me. Now I understand why! It's because they don't follow their own rules of Christian conduct. Sure, sure, they are honest enough to admit they are jerks, but the way they allow left wing nutjobs to freely run amok while editing, banning and deleting the right wing nutjobs goes beyond the pale. Regardless of which type of nut job you are, everyone recognizes what gross bias looks like, and BCC excesses have been extreme for the past couple of weeks. If you people don't start leveling the playing field and make at least some effort to be fair, all you have accomplished to overtake T&S as #1 will be squandered by your petty personal politics as you degenerate into a haven for left wing trolls. And you wonder why conservative Bloggernacle bloggers look down their noses at you? When you act like this you are only confirming their suspicions.

The General Relief Society President dared to have the nerve to do her job and show herself in public and speak to women of the Church. Predictably, she was roundly criticized on almost every blog in the Bloggernacle for it. Why? Because of a "total lack of deep gospel mojo", because she made obsessive mothers feel guilty, and she failed to criticize the men of the Priesthood. You know, it just doesn't matter what President Beck said, she would have been attacked for it regardless. Never mind that it is outside her authority to speak to men of the Church, that some women will feel guilty no matter what, and the Bloggernacle in general (and FMH in specific) lacks deep gospel mojo. None of that is relevant when it comes to emotional tirades.

Judging from the number and variety of threats of letter writing, Church Headquarters in SLC will likely be deluged by hate mail that will have to be security screened, so if you are ordering anything from Church Distribution you should probably do it over the web site or phone if you want timely delivery.

The sad thing is the entire round of complaints, whining and accusations was so predictable, it could have been scripted months ago. Sister X speaks at GC, angry Bloggernacle womyn react negatively because she fails to uphold their view of how the Church should be run and attack her for it, the more faithful and sensible female bloggers shake their heads in dismay and embarrassment, men divide up along the lines of which camp they are in, it gets snarked, after a couple of days everyone forgets about it and nothing changes. Repeat in six months. Next March, how about we do it all the weekend before the real General Conference, so when the real one comes up people will actually listen to it and think about it rather than dump their incendiary mind vomit onto their laptops real-time instead. Maybe, just maybe, something someone says will sink in an actually result in someone taking it to heart.

As an aside, one noteworthy point is the womyn of the Bloggernacle not only covet the Priesthood, they also covet the Presidency of the Relief Society as well. See guys, they don't just hate you, they hate themselves too. Comforting that the womyn of the Bloggernacle are equal opportunity usurpers, isn't it?

Talk about swallowing the camel whole, the FPR crew is at it again. Jesus Hates Families and Mormons Don't, so the Community Suffers. It has to be a game for them to come up with crazy ideas and then go proof text it, ignore anything that contradicts their selective reading and see how far they run with it before someone calls them on it, right? I mean, they are all into reading the Scriptures in the correct historical context, and Judaism, both ancient and modern is pretty pro-family, right? Hey, I guess you read things in context only when it is convenient. Or is it just that most of them are single and embittered? DavidJ is the only one that sounds off about being married with kids and he is obviously bitter about it. Hey, DavidJ, sorry the whole procreation thing interfered with your academic career and pursuit of material comfort, but, there is this as consolation.

In the ongoing battle to be more politically correct and racially sensitive, BCC has dealt T&S a crushing blow. Team BCC, as lead by Ronan J. Head and supported J. Nelson Seawright spearheaded the assault on lingering Mormon racism. Steve Evans had to gratuitously attack and ban anyone who failed to toe the BCC line to play catch up. And catch up he did, with extraordinary grace and style. Nothing like abusing your position of power to silence those who disagree, huh guys? Never mind that the arguments they use are just as culturally normative as the ones they attack, the only difference being about 50 or 60 years of popular trendiness. Never mind what the Scriptures actually say, that is irrelevant in the light of polished words and socially normative hipness.

Congratulations, guys, you are every bit as irrational and bigoted as the "racists" you hate.

If we follow Nephi's advice and liken the Scriptures to ourselves (meaning the Bloggernacle) then this thread is surely heralding the Apocalypse. When you have abish and Jared joining their inspired hands in unison to preach against the worldly corruption that is BCC, well then the end is nigh. That, or this is one of the ugliest examples of petty orthodox versus heterodox the Bloggernacle has seen in awhile. I am not sure which is worse, the BCC crew's snide belittling or abish's unparalleled self-righteousness. It probably comes down to which side of the debate you are on as to which you think is worse. What is that saying about not being able to win a pissing match with a skunk? What happens when there is nothing but skunks fighting?

Team T&S and Team MSplat are going to commit ritual suicide this coming weekend, since they fail to uphold the Word of Wisdom and thus will not be able to run and not be weary.

The persistent accusations that the bulk of the Bloggernacle is composed of unorthodox heteropraxicals will be put to the test after this weekend, as all of the participants who actually run will be dead or disabled, thus reducing the Liahona population significantly and tipping the balance back in favor of the true Iron Rodders. However, there is some question as to how honest the participants will be about participating in this "virtual" marathon.

Here is the Marathon the BCC crew will be laboring over:



And this is the Marathon we suspect Kaimi will be running this weekend:

People who regularly participate in the Bloggernacle naturally want the Bloggernacle to be perceived as a good and beneficial thing, if they didn't they obviously wouldn't participate. In some ways, the Bloggernacle can be a good thing. But, the Bloggernacle is seriously hampered by narcissism and self-absorption.

Yesterday saw a brilliant trifecta of posts exhibiting precisely why the Bloggernacle cannot at present rise above what it is:a petty playground dominated by the egotistical. First, unmitigated vanity, second, vanity mingled with the philosophies of men, and third, Scriptures mingled with the philosophies of men driven by vanity.

First, you have Julie wanting to tell everyone she is pregnant, but she is apparently not wanting to be as tactlessly blatant as Adam, so she writes up a self-flagellating laundry list illustrating how hard/hectic/crazy/rewarding/wonderful her stay-at-home-Mom life is, and despite it all, she is having another baby, as evidenced by the last two words of the post, discreetly tucked in there with capital letters. What you did was concoct some artificial reason to write a post insinuating you are pregnant so people would figure it out and then congratulate and praise you for being such a dedicated, hard-working Homeschooling Mom who would do all that (she teaches her kids Greek!!! Why? Because she can!) and decide to go ahead and have another child on top of it all. Kaimi then posts a link into the sidebar to the comment outing you, and your wish is fulfilled.

Second, you have Kaimi being so clever with self-deprecating riffs showing everyone he engages in philosophically challenging private conversations with other Bloggernacle Big Shots like BCC's meister-blogger (no behind-the-scenes cliques here). He then posts lengthy comments into the thread explaining what the rather opaque conversation was all about, while self-deferentially soaking up praise from fawning comment-makers.

Third, and finally, you have John dragging out the debate about the relative utility of attempting to prepare members of the LDS Church for withering, faith-destroying attacks by anti-mormons. This time the discussion starts with a semantical debate over the term "inoculation" as questioned by...his brother. Naturally, the ensuing discussion pits DAMU's against the "faithful" over the Truth, an ultimately pointless endeavor. The entire Inoculation debate is entirely wrong-headed, not because of semantical labels, but because it flatly ignores the gospel point of view and appeals to the worldly way of doing things. There's the rub, the bulk of the Bloggernacle elite want to debate to show how smart and educated they are, how many esoteric bits of historical trivia they have collected, and how they have more books in their collection than anyone else. But, from the gospel point of view, all of that is meaningless and largely counterproductive. The knowledge of God and strength in testimony comes not from collecting a set of Mormon History Trivia trading cards, but from experience. To know God, you have to experience Him by following the example of Jesus Christ by doing his works. Not just reading about them and studying them, but doing them. People will know the the LDS Church is true by living and doing what the Scriptures teach, not by learning more selective bits of history and trivia. While the Inoculation crowd's self-absorption isn't so blatant as the preceding two examples, it is egotism at it's core as it puts a premium on individual intellectual ascent rather than gospel-centered experiential learning. Responding to tough questions when asked is one thing, publicly preening is another.

If prominent people in the Bloggernacle can get over their fascination with themselves and how clever they are, the Bloggernacle might eventually blossom into something more than it is. If they cannot, then it will continue on being a relatively small, eminently forgettable collection of vain prose lost in the messy clutter of the Internet.

It is your choice people, get over yourselves or continue to suffocate in the lint of your own navel.

Guy Murray wants to see prominent Bloggernacle personalities pose for charity. Since Guy is such the prominent personality himself, and a natural born leader who isn't afraid to break new ground, it only seems appropriate for him to lead the pack. And, so, we present to you: Guy Murray Exposed!

Hot, or not?

When not getting pedicures and doing guest commercial spots, Miss Piggy reads T&S. Who knew? We do now, because she actually left a comment this time. Another feather in the hat of T&S, garnering the celebrity Muppet vote of readership. In case you are wondering what Moi was referring to, DMI...err...T&S Dave sums it up, effectively hamstringing Nate's legalese. It looks like the discussion has stalled, probably because of nausea, meaning ronito's snarky prediction will go unfulfilled. Is it sadder that T&S's behavior has become so predicable or that discussion is so lackluster?