FMH has been embroiled in a controversy over... sexism? ... racism? ... child abuse? ... wife beating? ... Poop? ... No, none of these. What then? Nursery. Um, yes, Nursery. You know, that two hour block of time the pre-Primary toddlers go into once a week on Sunday, so their parents can hopefully participate in other church-related activities. The battle over Waldorf-style Nurseries was caustic, with Artemis being variously attacked and defended for wanting things a particular way in Nursery. It got so bad she followed up with another blog post defending herself, going to great lengths to show how normal and pedestrian she is, not at all a Al Gore-hugging, elitist Europhile. This racks up a combined total of 300+ comments.
Gordon Bitner Hinckley commemorative post: ~30 comments.
Order of magnitude difference there.
FMH, where Primary Pinecones beat out Prophets Passing 10:1
G is sick and tired of men objectifying women's reproductive organs, so she is fantasizing about decapitating and dismembering men in retaliation. Fair is fair, right? I am going to hazard a guess and say the man in her drawing is the father of the sleeping baby girl, who is obviously drugged in her little papoose, as Mom is sweating from the exertion of killing her baby-daddy, which high-impact activity would certainly wake up any normal child.
That, or the Artist's Block has backed things up so bad it is affecting G's thinking such that she thinks Amazons reproduce asexually and breaking into a sweat while dismembering guys doesn't require the kind of physical activity that would wake up a child. Who knows? Creative constipation has clearly taken its toll. Time for some corrective action:
Try that, G, and you can post about it tomorrow as another installment in the FMH Poop Chronicles, which are always a welcomed sight for the classy chicks at FMH, who just cannot get enough of boobie throw pillows and wang and cooter cheese cakes. Then maybe you can stop obsessing about your reproductive organs and make some real art. Purge the poo and use that as fertilizer for your Asherah worship (‘get my grove on’).
Sure, ladies, it is sad and wrong that men objectify your doo dads, but how is what you are doing any different? It isn't. G's post is just as sad and wrong as what she decries. How will anyone ever take FMH seriously when posts like this impeach its credibility?
Yo newbie, whattap! Listen up, greenie, let me tell you how it is in the hood:
Get a blog name from some obscure Early LDS Church periodical, the more obscure the better. All of the obvious, well known ones are taken already, so you may have to do a little searching. Don't worry that your blog has nothing to do at all with the old namesake, none of the current ones do either.
Link all the other Mormon blogs and Nacle Index sights. If you want love, you gotta give it. Free love is bad in the real world, but in the Bloggernacle it rules.
Beat the dead horse. Whatever is getting a lot of play in the other blogs, you blog about that too. Then comment in those threads and link back to your blog.
State the Obvious. Say the same thing, just in a slightly different and new way, to keep it fresh. There is nothing new under the sun, but if you can put it in the context of current events and throw in some clever turn of phrase, you win.
Suck up to get ahead. Praise the brilliance of bloggers you want to ally with and parrot them and add in some of your own tidbits to support their position. Bloggers are narcissists, use that to promote your blog. Admit it, you are a narcissist too The more you suck up the more likely you will asked to be a guest blogger.
Neglect everything else. The more you neglect really important things in your life to blog, the more successful you will be. Really, there is no substantial difference between fame and infamy in the Bloggernacle, so abandon husband, wife, kids, work and self in your quest for Bighood.
Quality is irrelevant. Post anything, it doesn't matter. Really. As long as you can somehow relate it to something Mormon, go ahead. It has all been done already, so nobody will complain. No, really, I am not kidding. Good is nice and may get you some readers, but shocking pandering gets attention.
Don't mess with facist admins, they will ban you faster than you can say "September Seven." If you disagree with Steve Evans at BCC or say T&S sucks on T&S, expect to be banned. Whining about it afterwards is sour grapes, doing it will only make you look like you deserved it. Narcissists hate being criticized, don't do it. Yes, they are wrong, it doesn't matter, they don't want to hear it.
The Bloggernacle is not your ward. It is a bunch of weirdos who happen to be Mormons, and they have too much time on their hands and either cannot or do not want to go outside and play. They want to obsess about things that don't matter. Don't expect to be treated respectfully as a stranger or new visitor, this isn't going to church, it is more like Middle School all over again.
If you don't know what you are talking about, shut up or get whacked. An opinionated ignoramus in the Bloggernacle is like chum in shark-infested waters. Lay low until you earn some credibility and get a feel for the people, don't impeach your credibility by talking smack right off the bat. It doesn't matter how smart you think you are, there are smarter people around who are skilled at shredding people like you just for laughs. If you think Mormons are nice and polite, you are in the wrong place, because most places they are, but here is not most places.
Welcome, foddery n00bs!
The Harangue turned 3 years old this week (so it isn't New anymore, and how Cool it ever was is subject to debate). Happy berfday to them.
As their regular readers know, the focus of the posts there has always been trying to look beyond the mark when it comes to Mormon doctrine, theology, and scriptures. They have spent a lot of time trying to speculate wildly about the atonement of Jesus Christ, free will/agency, foreknowledge, personal revelation, eternal progression, and all sorts of other difficult theological and philosophical subjects they really know very little about. Along the way there has been a lot of contention and disagreement. Why? Because:
GeoffJ hates knuckleheaded comments.
In the middle of them speculating wildly on the atonement of Jesus Christ some numbskull (i.e., anyone who doesn't agree with GeoffJ) will come along and tell them to stop wasting their time. Not surprising, quite frankly, given some of the ridiculous things they discuss. Like Multiple Mortal Probations and wacky Atonement theory that ignores what the rest of Christendom figured out nearly 2000 years ago. No, I’m not kidding. These types of comments irritate GeoffJ to no end, because they don't dwell on how greatly enriched by these discussions he is and how he feels more knowledgeable about the things of God.
Since GeoffJ is irritated as he blogs uncharitably, I will guess about a potential reason for that kind of comment: A severe inability to live the restored gospel. Yup — worldly people are afraid that pulling back the curtain and looking hard in the mirror will reveal that they are living a sham or something (to put it in Wizard of Oz terms). Being willing to look closely at yourself takes faith that the restored gospel holds up when applied to your life and my guess is that some people are deathly afraid that looking closely at their own lives will reveal awful results.
Wah!
Speculating wildly is nonsense. Studying the scriptures closely in order to know how we should act and what we should do is a good thing. The restored gospel can easily tell someone how they live their life. The scriptures certainly are not against us studying the gospel so we will know how to act:
Whatever principle of intelligence we attain unto in this life, it will rise with us in the resurrection. And if a person gains more knowledge and intelligence in this life through his diligence and obedience than another, he will have so much the advantage in the world to come. (D&C 130: 18-19)As this Scripture states, the knowledge and intelligence is gained through diligence and obedience, just as Jesus taught, "If any man will do his will, he shall know of the doctrine" meaning if we do the Father's will then we will be filled with His doctrine. Nothing there about being ardently dedicated to speculating wildly in ignorance, just talking about living right and learning as a result of it.
The glory of God is intelligence, or, in other words, light and truth. (D&C 93: 36)Yes, and taking it in context with D&C 93, when people exercise their agency to reject evil and do good, then they are filled with light and truth, which the adversary takes away because of disobedience. So, what do we need to do to be filled with light and truth? Speculate? No. Obedience? Yes.
It is impossible for a man to be saved in ignorance. (D&C 131: 6)Here, Joseph makes it plain that choosing to ignore the ordinances of God will damn you, as he states:
There are a great many wise men and women too in our midst who are too wise to be taught; therefore they must die in their ignorance, and in the resurrection they will find their mistake. Many seal up the door of heaven by saying, So far God may reveal and I will believe.So, the ignorance Smith is talking about is not that of esoteric bits of soteriological knowledge, but the willful ignoring of the call to repent and be baptized by an authorized servant of God. So, once again, the Scriptures do not support what GeoffJ is saying.
All men who become heirs of God and joint heirs with Jesus Christ will have to receive the fullness of the ordinances of his kingdom; and those who will not receive all the ordinances will come short of the fullness of that glory, if they do not lose the whole (TPJS, Pg. 509)
But, look, people can live the Gospel all they want. We are all free to choose. But there at the Harangue they are all about trying to understand what they consider to be important, and not actually living the gospel. Those who don’t like that are free to step off. (Of course GeoffJ mean that in that in the nicest possible way, which is to say, "If you aren't a rampant speculator who likes looking beyond the mark and ignoring the obvious, then don't comment there, but please still do read the blog, because he watches the stats very closely, just don't comment, because he doesn't care what you think, unless you agree with him.")
Oh and a Happy New Year to all speculators! The rest of you, who focus on living the Gospel and point out speculating is largely a waste of time, can step off. We get enough of that at Church already!
[Associated Radio Thang song: Noisepie — Hey Mr. Bighead]
Most Bloggernacle bloggers consider the DAMU (see definition 5) to be the bane of their existence (except for FMH, since half their readership is DAMU), since those pesky ex-mo's love to troll. Well, now a prominent Bloggernacle Blogger (at least he considers himself to be prominent) is playing both sides of the court, but he is doing so anonymously. Sure, he isn't self-identifying, but it isn't hard to come up with a short list, very short actually, if you take the time to hunt for clues.
Here is what can be gathered from his posted comments:
MaleWhy is this Bloggernacle Blogger hiding? He answers that question himself here:
Married with children
Exceptionally profane
Long time Bloggernacle blogger, drops all the Big Blog names, refers to Nate Oman by first name only
Probably a lawyer (how many non-lawyers use the word "dispositive"?)
Privy to internal workings of a Nacle group blog that gets targeted by DAMU
Very sensitive to currently popular feminist issues
On the other hand, it's also clear that more orthodox Mormons would not consider me one of them; and that, if they knew my particular belief configuration, they might try to expel me from the community, in one of their community-policing actions. Which would limit my ability to participate in the cafeteria. You can't order a la carte when you go to the Soup Nazi's restaurant.Sure, sure, blame your anonymity on the Nazi Orthodoxy.
We think we know who it is, what do you all think? What additional evidence can we gather about "Cafeteria Mormon"? We think he just isn't getting enough attention inside the Bloggernacle anymore, so he is trying to cash in on his cred there to get attention from the DAMU/Ex-mo crowd. Why do you think he is doing this?
FYI: When "Cafeteria Mormon" first signed up with FLAK, his user name was "Blogger of Nacle" and his profile picture was a LOLCats pic that said "Banning yo DAMU ass from the Nacle!" or something like that. He changed the pic and user name because some of the FLAK crowd was taking him to task for his seemingly pro-Naccle stance. But, there are a lot of comments still around referring to him as "BoN" or "BoNer" because of his old "Blogger of Naccle" user name.
Nacle: < silence >
Kaimi: It might be Christmas Eve, but I am going to blog anyway. Because I am dedicated. And worth reading. And not bored.
Nacle: < silence >
Kaimi: I'll say something poignant, and heartfelt about... um... silence... and... Jesus... and tie in my clever kids as the hook. People always eat that up.
Nacle: < silence >
Kaimi, pensively waiting for comments: Hmmm, better trying something else.
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The Bloggernacle is all excited about how Elder Ballard suggested BYU-H graduating seniors go online and blog about being Mormon so they can add their faithful voices to the Internet. The only specific blog he mentions is Flooding the Earth.
OK people, let reality sink in here for a minute. Elder Ballard found a relatively obscure blog, and yet he somehow missed all the big ones? No, he didn't. If he spent 3 seconds on the Internet searching "mormon blog" what did he overlook? All of you "Big Blogs". The only way he could have skipped all of you accidentally is if he did "book of mormon blog" and clicked "I'm Feeling Lucky" and then stopped right there. Unlikely, isn't it?
What you people are heralding as an endorsement is in fact a backhanded slap. Elder Ballard is telling a bunch of kids graduating from BYU-H to go out and blog on their own. He is not, repeat, NOT encouraging them to go and participate in the Bloggernacle. He is encouraging them to go out and blog independent of the Bloggernacle.
Congratulations, Bloggernacle, Elder Ballard doesn't see fit to endorse you as a model graduating seniors from BYU-H should emulate or a community they should participate in. Endorsing blogging is not endorsing the Bloggernacle.
Dear TracyM:
We would like to thank you for returning to our Stuff department. We are ever so grateful you were wise enough to leave your Red Headed Terrorists at home this time. As you probably noticed, we have enough trouble keeping our aisles passable without them climbing to the top of the shelves and tossing down pallets of dishwashing soap as they scream with glee unintelligible phrases having something to do with bubbles.
We understand your frustration in being unable to find whatever elusive toy you came to our Stuff Mart in search of. We’d apologize for your having been misled by one of our employees, but honestly, Tracy, what do you expect from some guy named Jinger at five o’clock in the bloody morning?
As for your foray into our “girls” section, we simply cannot be held responsible for your reaction to the skanky clothing produced by our third-world sweatshops. Our goal here is shareholder value, not skin coverage. Besides, you obviously missed the carefully placed sign above the “girls” department. We feel the warning “Abandon Hope, All Ye Who Enter Here” is pretty self explanatory. Abby didn’t need those tights anyway - Ruffles are so last year. As a side note, glitter is the new black – haven’t you heard?
Again, thank you for visiting your neighborhood Voldemart Stuff department – sans the Red Headed Terrorists. Our maintenance department sends along their heartfelt thanks as well. And, despite your protestations to the contrary, we know you’ll be back.
Till then, we remain the humble recipients of your family’s hard earned lucre,
Voldemart
Don’t you have anything, well, tastier?
9M, BCC, T&S and MoSto have already started speculating on something the rest of you will inevitably be blogging about, so hurry up and stake out some original territory before it becomes one huge recycling bin of adulation and attack. Seriously, if you haven't already posted on it, then consider yourself a fool for squandering a full day of comment harvesting on something other than what is going to dominate the entire Bloggernacle weekend.
BORING-AS-HECK BANDWAGON-JUMPING-ONNER UPDATE:
T&S Matt Evans
T&S Collective Conglomerrulate
9M Tom
9M Lamonte
DMI Dave
MM arJ
MoSto John
AllE Doug
ASA David
And probably a bunch more before the sun sets.
Ugh, more:
ABEV John F
AllE Travis, and again.
MoBlo Mark
NL L
ASA David
ASA David
M0 Geoff
SSS JMW
And dragging it on into Friday:
T&S Dave
T&S Matt
MoSto John
MoSto John again
Dragging into the following week was almost everything John Dehlin posted at MoSto.
That this wheat be made into something more easily digested, I have taken some time out from my busy schedule to offer a translation to the Mormons, whom to be made to understand has been like splitting hemlock knots with a corn-dodger for a wedge, and a pumpkin for a beetle, although in a case like this it is entirely excusable. Here is my translation for the Bloggernacle, that I might render it a bit more plain:
- Terryl Givens has written a new book, and it is unique.
He is an able and authoritative commentator on Mormon arts and letters.
He offers penetrating insights on a topic which lends itself to boring prose, but keeps his writing engaging.
Givens explores the interplay of Mormon religion and culture.
While some would dismiss cultural theories in examining art, Givens argues persuasively that they should be taken into account.
Givens also wonders how the art and culture has influenced the religion.
Ms. R. considers Givens' book to be seminal in the discussion of Mormon culture and art.
Sister Welch, I thank you for taking the time to write such an excellent and comprehensive review of Brother Givens' new book. Upon the next endeavor, please do me the favor of writing in such a manner that it be comprehensible and not imponderable to the Saints, that they might benefit thereby forthwith and without additional explication. Remember what Nephi son of Lehi said about plainness. As I have many pressing matters to attend to, I would consider it a personal favor to relieve me of the obligation of translating abstruce texts in like manner in the future.
Sincerest salutations, yours very kindly,
Brother Joseph.
Hey, guess what? Feminists like other feminists and find them sexy, and love to read statistics that prove what they always knew. In other news, registered Democrats don't vote for Republicans, dogs aren't cats and tautologies cannot be made false by mere mortals.
Here are some more useful statistics for you:
100% of Mormon Bloggers love bloggers who are Mormon who agree with everything they say and post salutary, sycophantic comments.You can quote me as a source.
0% of Mormon Bloggers like being snarked by SnarkerNacle Industries LTD., more reviled than DKL, more often banned than outspoken conservatives at BCC and critical commentators at T&S, less side-blog linked than NDBF Gary.
More amusing is Quimby's defense of the Clintons after mami points out the irony here. Sorry, Quimby, but Bill's feminism is weak, at best. Defend lying adulterers (D-NY) while attacking LDS Church leaders (R-Utah). More circular logic, eh? Defend those in your political circle. Heads up guys, as long as you talk the talk, you can cheat on your wife and lie about it. With a stunning example like this, no wonder guys want to be feminists.
If the Bloggernacle had Laws governing it, one of them would surely be Thou Shalt Discuss Excrement Often, and Not Withold the Contents of Thy Bowels, or Loins, or Anything Like Unto It from Your Readers, for they are Beholden to it, No Matter How Odiferous, Rancid, or Putrescent it May Be Unto Thee, for Thine Uncleanness Shall Be Multiplied Upon Thine Readers and Therefore Not Upon Thee.
Seriously people, what is it about the Bloggernacle that has dookie being the "go to" topic? FMH does it regularly, TftC has been emulating them, BCC has dipped their toe in the honey pot, and now NCT has gone down with the brown. Matt W half-heartedly tries to turn it into an intellectual discussion on why people could be so inconsiderate in making messes with it and whether that is some indicator of socio-economic status, or some other such rot. But, the bulk of the discussion is about plain old crap.
Yes, everyone does it. Everyone burps, farts, picks their nose, scratches themselves, and engages in various other gender and non-gender-specific bodily functions too. Nobody talks about them on the Bloggernacle. Just poop. Which really is discriminatory to all the other personal hygiene-related topics. I mean, come on, someone really could work farting and burping, but nobody does. Which suggests the Bloggernacle is either bigoted against all others forms of hygiene-related exposition, or they are obsessive about it. Not sure which.
Aside from Dialogue not being populated with Jedi writers, this thread on greed has some interesting revelations. A couple of people pop in to point out they are wise and just stewards, while many more embittered people rant about their inability to buy in an up market. The only rant-maker honest enough to expose the source of his anger is DKL. Great! So as soon as the market starts cooling off, a market that spiraled wildly up because of greed, there are more greedy people like DKL waiting in the wings to soften the fall by scooping up houses when the market goes soft. So, in other words, DKL, the market will not burn as you wish it would, because of...people like you.
And, while Sam MB laments the moral and spiritual health Mormons, the home-buying Mormons of the Bloggernacle lament their inability to buy in an up market and bitterly fantasize about "the house to which we could upgrade in a more reasonable market", rather than discuss what Mormons can do to address the underlying problem of greed which created and fuels the problem. Why repent when you can wait for market forces to change in your favor?
Ms. Ardis takes Will Bagley, et al. to task for being axe-griding anti-Mormons, and rightly so. But, the manner in which she does so is decidedly snarky, and fellow T&S permabore Nate joins right in. Will Bagley shows up and complains about the treatment, but Ardis defends her snarkiness as a legitimate approach that is not a charter-violating personal attack (apparently, insinuating they are asses is not a personal attack, perhaps saying "Will Bagley is an ass" is, but indirectly suggesting he is isn't...not at T&S anyway).
Ah, me, this is all very comforting. You see, the permabores at T&S often complain they are targets of SnarkerNacle. It is good to see they have come around to accepting things as we see it, and will from now on be more open to such fun. As long as we only insinuate they are asses and don't actually say they are, then it will all be in accordance with their way of doing business, right? Good, glad we have that settled.
Here is this Halloween's List of blogs to read while listening to Beethoven's 5th Symphony:
Millennial Star
Straight and Narrow Blog
Mormon Metaphysics
Moribund The walking dead.
Blogger of Jared
Prayer of Faith
Spinozist Mormon
Cold and Calculating
No Death Before the Fall
Rigor Mortis Deeply interred.
LDS Patriot
Rock of Salvation
The Iron Rod
Mormon Open Forum
Popcorn Popping
Purim
Bob and Logan
Ironic Priesthood
LDS Liberation Front
Viva Ned Flanders
The Rocky Shore
Latter Day Blog
Actually, most of these going defunct makes us Happy! Did we miss any?
This Halloween is pretty uneventful. In 2005, Halloween was just about when Banner of Heaven imploded and the fallout was absolutely awful. And in 2006, Halloween was pretty much when Mark Butler pulled the wool over Millennial Star's eyes and lead them to near-extinction. This year? Really, its been pretty quiet. No tricks, just the lovely little treats of the above blogs going under.
Rabid Dan just can't lay off the smack. Three days into his week-long fasting from politics on his own blog he is just doing it on a different blog. Dan, Dan, Dan, if there is "nothing enjoyable about it" then why can't you stop? Because you have a problem. The solution is obvious: The 12 Step Approach to Politics. Give it a shot, Dan. For yourself, for your family, for the Bloggernacle. Please.
BCC revels in the sort of squalor that usually afflicts FMH, providing first-person accounts of why the Bar was Raised when it comes to full-time missionaries.
I don't know which is worse, that Aaron, a celebrated BCC perma takes pleasure in presenting the worst as his best, or the way dedicated BCC fans love this kind of cynicism and praise his nihilism. What I do know is this kind of post speaks volumes about BCC in specific and the makeup of the Bloggernacle in general.
Hey everyone, I know you don't see much of me around the Bloggernacle, since none of you bother to listen to me (except for Bloggers of Jared, M&M, Jettboy, Connor Boyack, and M* Mark Butler), but a recent post needs to be addressed so you Liahona types don't wander totally off the straight and narrow path and drown in the filthy water.
Jacob at NCT is kinda sort of right but mostly wrong. While I am under strict non-disclosure agreements and cannot discuss what he does in his spare time, I can fairly state the obvious to bring it to people's attention that his Scriptures have been collecting dust for far too long. If they saw more use, he might have read this and this, which would have made it pretty clear I am not just effervescent vapor that people subjectively feel at their convenience.
No, I am a personage of spirit that has legs (no, there are no wings, sorry literalists, but this fine and pure matter I am made of means what you call "gravity" has no effect on me) and uses them whenever I see the need. And, as far as leaving the movie theater when the naughty bits parts come on, no, that is not how it works. I am clever and informed enough to not go in the first place, so I don't leave, because I was never there in the first place. Dropping the F-Bomb? Feel free to exercise your agency, and I will too by leaving you to play the fool. So, yes, people and things do offend me all the time, and I leave. I have agency just like you. So, there you have it.
Yes, yes, I will certainly work with all repentant sinners, like you bloggers, but there is that repentant thing there. Yes, sure, I do try to encourage even the unrepentant to repent, but, frankly, I have a busy schedule and can spend my time much more profitably working with people who are genuinely repentant, even when they do fall off the wagon now and again. As long as they keep getting back on.
Anyway, just to set things straight, I am a personage of spirit, if you irritate me I will get up and go, or preemptively leave in the event I see things going bad. But, no, that doesn't mean I will not come back and see what you are up to from time to time. And, no, I am not like the sun radiating truth into the universe, that analogy is lousy. The "truth is light" thing is metaphor, don't push it to hard, it was given to people who had no idea what the physics of light really is all about.
Thanks, and please, next time I suggest you do something, listen. Otherwise, you are on your own.
P.S., Oh, yes, and Jacob, the Lord doesn't lie, under any circumstances. Mahonri got it right. You? Not so much.