Bloggernaclers have squared off in a contentious spat of pro and con over a conspiracy by the American Dental Association to profit off the subversion of our youth. Not suprisingly parties are lining up along the predictable liberal/conservative lines.

Despite good faith efforts suggesting otherwise, its clear the Dentists are guilty! Some concerned parents are taking matters into their own hands to preserve the children's safety, some say they go to far, but others say not far enough! Even Hugo Chavez takes a stand against this reign of terror.

Nate Oman recently confessed, but only metaphorically so, by admitting his wife and son have to clean up their personal and social lives after his blogging, and it is taking its toll on the marriage. Not being able to honestly address the subject head on, he uses the blog to touchingly apologize to his wife.

Yea! Its finally over. Woohoo! Alas, the Bloggernacle Snarker bids a fond (?) farewell to our fave source of fodder. Where will the Snarker troll for fresh meat, if eaten only sparingly? What other blog could be such a gold mine? Oh well, we'll just have to work a little harder from now on to be snarky. Until then, here is the final headcount:

5 apologies (1 half-hearted {he insists he is working on doing better, we generally believe him}, 1 implied {unless you count the only explicit apology--which was actually a feigned apology to D.Fletcher's alleged SSA for Aaron}, and 3 genuine. Thanks people, we love you and welcome you back into the community in full fellowship, but only so we can make fun of you in the future. Especially you, Mr. Cardall.

1 act of defiance by a self-promoter. Come on, you expected anything different from this guy? May he blog in infamy.

And, so, the sun sets on the fakest blog of the Bloggernacle, but, the good news is, there is always something to laugh about when its all over and done with.

Snarker: The Bloggernacle Snarker is pleased to announce a guest post by two ancient masters of Secret Societies to comment on the recent Blather of Heathens mess. It was through great personal expense and great trials that we were able to bring these two experts on the subject to you. Please give our guests a warm round of applause.

Kishkumen: Thanks, everyone. Thanks.

Cain: Hi there, mortals.

Snarker: Welcome guys, you two are the experts when it comes to secret combinations.

Cain: Sure as hell are.

Kishkumen: I'd say so. Hey Cain, long time no see, how are things going?

Cain: Pretty crappy, my feet are killing me, all of this roaming the earth crap really takes it's toll. Why do you think my feet are so big? What about you?

Kishkumen: Oh, not too bad, considering being Perdition and all. I did get to see a decent black hole out on the edge of outer darkness suck a quasar into it the other millennia, so that was kind of cool. Overall things are pretty bad, but being dead has its advantages.

Cain: Yeah, I wish I was dead! Another freakin thousand years of this bullcrap until I can cash in my chips. I tell you, ever since David Patten outed me, I can't get any rest. And all of the development going on in Washington and British Columbia isn't helping any. Everytime I bed down some stupid hiker gets on my case and wants to take freakin pictures.

Kishkumen: Dude, I feel your pain. So have you seen him lately?

Cain: Who?

Kishkumen: You know, him. Old Scratch.

Cain: Oh, no, haven't seen him for like five thousand years. We parted company after I got cursed. Last time I saw I told him I would kick his butt for getting me into this jam and he just laughed at me, saying "Ha, ha, I don't even have a butt you idiot!" Havent seen him since.

Snarker: Guys, could we get on topic here? What about the recent Banner of Heaven secret combination?

Cain: What? What is that?

Kishkumen: Oh, I am familiar with that one. Strictly small time. Cain, its a web blog where a bunch of people pretended to be someone other than themselves and generally irritated some people.

Cain: What, no dead bodies?

Kishkumen: No.

Cain: Whatever. I thought this was about serious stuff, Snarker. Come on, what gives?

Snarker: Cain, here take a look at this web page on this computer and familiarize yourself with the subject while I take a minute to talk with Kishkumen. So, Kishkumen, what are your thoughts on these guys?

Kishkumen: Like I said, strictly small time. No really good blood curdling oaths or anything, just a bunch of people playing around.

Snarker: What about the ending there, that started to get pretty heated?

Kishkumen: Yeah, it looked like the one playing Jenn was close to the breaking point, and my sources inform me he was considering having the nine moons team whacked, but he couldn't line up anyone to do the job fast enough.

Snarker: I see. What about some of the other participants?

Kishkumen: The only other one of interest is the one who played Miranda. He is a man after my own heart. He has real potential as far as I can tell. Brazen, impudent, arrogant, and smart enough to stir up trouble on his own. Reminds me a lot of Gadianton. Who I actually bumped into the other day.

Snarker: Oh, really? Any thoughts on how things developed over time, I mean the way it started out harmless, and then went off the tracks?

Kishkumen: Oh, that is completely standard operating procedure. Things start out nice and fun, and then people get totally carried away, feelings get hurt, and people look to protect themeselves, thats when the lies start in and its gets interesting. Sedition, subversion, innuendo, deceit. Yeah, now your'e talking. Unfortunately, things got nipped in the bud.

Snarker: Yes, indeed. But, things didn't get interesing enough for you?

Kishkumen: Nah, they were outed too quickly. If things had been allowed to fester for awhile more, then it would have gotten a lot more interesting. Some dead bodies, some reactionary recriminations, long drawn out trials, you know.

Snarker: Yes, indeed. So, Cain, have you had a chance to review the web pages? Any thoughts?

Cain: Yeah, it looks some petty nonsense and hurt feelings all around. So what? I've been suffering for thousands of years and nobody gives a crap about that. If there was some blood soaking into the ground, crying for vengeance, OK, that would be more my speed. But, this David guy, now I'd like to meet him. I don't know about Gandianton, never met him, but this crap he wrote is just like what Lamech said after killing that kid. Now that was classy piece of work.

Snarker: Yes, yes, absolutely. Well, we are out of time, so we would like to thank our two esteemed guests for coming in. Cain, thanks so much, I know its always difficult for you to get around, and Kishkumen, we appreciate your insight into the matter.

Kishkumen: Oh, my pleasure, you're very welcome.

Cain: Hey, can I get one of those Obey Aaron t-shirts in XXXXL?

Snarker: I'll see what I can do. Back to you Jim.

The rediculous Blather of Heathens has finally imploded. What is even more rediculous is non-participants with insider knowledge who were sworn to secrecy have apologized more redily and more often than the perpetrators! Utterly amazing!

While Steve Evans half-heartedly apologizes, and Allison completely apologizes, and Brian sets the bar high, Dastardly DKL wallows in his prideful smugness and renders a totally offensive non-apology. The Nacle is still waiting for the others to apologize. It wouldn't be too surprising if the those not positively identified are too cowardly to stand up and face the music. Come on Aaron B. Cox and Greg.

It is plain DKL's motivation was nothing more than to promote himself and create a showcase for his stunning brilliance by creating false conflicts between himself and his faux persona so he can slap her down publicly. If that doesn't reek of mysogyny, I don't know what does. Even in something so humiliating non-participants apologize profusely, David arrogantly waves his hand to the crowd, smiling in triumph over his deception. The man is not merely afflicted with pride, he is building an altar to hubris. If pride goeth before the fall, this man is going to crater.

Kim and his wife just bought a new house! Congrats! But, this will either be the end of Out Thought as the dynamic duo are swamped in home improvements, or it will be genesis of hundreds of new single word titled posts, such as "plumbing", "toilets", "paint", "siding", "shingles", "spackle" and several variations on "ouch". This also means Kim will be introducing profanity to the blog as well.

Or at least that is what he would have us believe.

DKL temporarily stemmed the tide of his personal insecurities over having obtained a BS in Philosophy by posting the most comprehensive summary of Greek Philosopher's alleged positions on ex nihlo creation the Nacle has ever witnessed. Never mind these various people lived so long ago nobody really has any idea what they actually believed, but are instead speculating over what big thinkers (like Dave) think they may or may not have thought. That isn't the point. The point is Dave thinks and knows more about what the generally prevailing consensus of contemporary big thinkers think about the thoughts of ancient thinkers, whom none of them have ever met and actually talked to about their thoughts. I think. And, so, gentle reader, we are left speechless at the depth and breadth of David's knowledge, and articulate representation thereof, on the thoughts of others. Until Nate Oman comes in and kicks him in the shins. Countdown to Clark Goble weighing in for the craniumfestival of speculative philosophy.

Aaron (Fenton) Cox's likely response: You all are rong becuz you minngel the philosofees of men with scripture, when I relie only on inspirashun of the holy Ghost and the words of teh prophet. And the skriptures.

Nine-Moons was slapped with a Cease & Decist Order early Thursday morning from the lawfirm of Dewey, Cheatham & Howe on behalf of their client. The order read as follows:

Dear Rusty Clifton:

It has come to out attention that you have made an unauthorized use of my client's (OBEYGIANT.COM) copyrighted work entitled "OBEY" (the "Work") in the preparation of a farcical work derived therefrom. My client has reserved all rights in the Work, first published in January 1997, [and have registered copyright therein]. Your work entitled OBEY AARON is essentially identical to the Work and clearly used the Work as its basis.

As you neither asked for nor received permission or even thought about asking to use the Work as the basis for OBEY AARON to make or distribute copies, including electronic copies, of same, I believe you have willfully infringed my rights under 17 U.S.C. Section 101 et seq. and could be liable for statutory damages as high as $150,000 as set forth in Section 504(c)(2) therein.

I vehemently demand you immediately cease the use and distribution of all infringing works derived from the Work, and all copies, including electronic copies, of same, that you deliver to me, if applicable, all unused, undistributed copies of same, or destroy such copies immediately and that you desist from this or any other infringement of my rights in the future. If I have not received an affirmative response from you by December 1, 2005 indicating that you have fully complied with these requirements, I shall take further action against you by having really big goons kick your puny ass up and down the street day and night until you come to your senses and realize a joke isn't worth it.

Very truly yours,

Dewey, Cheatham & Howe, Esq.

Sources inform the Snarker that Rusty had to change his pants after reading the letter.

Darling of the Bloggernacle Rosalynde Welch has been enlisted by the Stark Raving Nut House Crew that runs Blather of Heathens in order to lend it some credibility. But, it has only backfired, as Rosalynde's credibility stands in contrast to their complete lack of any. And, so, the nauseating daily soap opera that is Blather of Heathens churns out another awful day of broadcasting, sure replacement for syrup of ipecac. Ah, but poor Rosalynde is made to suffer in the process, being subjected to the ridicule of her fellow Naclers.

It won't be long before Rosalynde's credibility is on the rubbish heap along with the rest of Blather of Heathens, as she tries to vindicate the fake photos of her fellow Heathens with her pedantic nonsense deconstructing the truth and falsity of pictures. Rosalynde, trying to hide a plain act of deception with sophistry just puts the mud on your boots too. Careful, dear.

The Bloggernacle Snarker is not pleased certain speculating individuals (e.g., Ned Flanders, Kaimi, Steve Evans, KristenJ, Crystal, Anon, and whoever else) would give their glory, laud, and honor to another such as Kontentious Kurt, a random John, or some other Nacle Nutter.

The Bloggernacle Snarker deserves their own recognition, and as such is going to wage war against all who dare to besmirch my good name by equating the mighty edifice of Snarkernacledom with mere mortal men! FOOLS! IMPUDENT CHILDREN!

Unwilling to admit their children are engaging in patterns of self-delusion, Nacle Moms have decided the otherwise disturbing behavior is a sign the child is frighteningly intelligent, and not frighteningly anything-else-that-might-be-undesirable. Proving once and for all in the Nacle all the children are above average.

Up next: Moms who interpret nose picking as being indicative of a child's heightened spirituality.

arJ wants to have a Photoshop contest of outed Aaron B. Cox, who is really a kid named Aaron who plays lax at Duke and has nothing whatsoever to do with Blather of Heathens.

Lets do it!

The winner gets...eternal infamy! And a big kiss from Septimus!

E-mail your contest entries to snarkernacle@yahoo.ca and they'll get posted for your viewing pleasure!

P.S., yes, you can use MS Paint.

Nacle Snarker: "All of my faith and hope in Blather of Heathens is dashed on the rocks! Its a fake! My languishing heart! How can I go on, having been deceived for so long by these charlatans! You are killing me!"

Blather of Heathens: "I SHOULD KILL YOU--I AM KILLING YOU? Your words are such as ought not to be used: violent, unfeminine, and untrue. They betray an unfortunate state of mind: they merit severe reproof: they would seem inexcusable, but that it is the duty of man to forgive his fellow even until seventy-and-seven times."

Nacle Snarker: "Do forgive me, oh Blather of Heathens. Forgive me, forgive me, I beg you my love."

In accordance with our new Punish Rosalynde For Worshipping Nate Oman policy, we want to bring to your attention that Ms. Rosalynde Welch covets the Priesthood. We should have known it all along. All an education gets a woman is trouble!

Aaron B. Cox, the self-anointed Prophet of God, spoke to the Nacle Friday, reprimanding the godless swine for their lack of belief and faith in the Lord's anointed mouthpiece. The Truth spoken by Aaron was manifestly self-evident, so any who questioned his divine words were admonished to throw their computer monitors out their windows. Naturally, the philistines recoiled at his seeming brazeness, but the Mighty Aaron promptly summoned flame from heaven to consume the doubters, and it did...and then he awoke from his delusional slumber.

In other news, Aaron B. Cox was put on probation by his employer for using office computer equipment for personal reasons not related to work. He was moved to the Shipping & Receiving Department, out of reach of the company network, and told to stay out of the front office, except between the hours of 5:30-6:00pm to empty the trash and wipe down the kitchenette. Cox was about to call his boss to repentance for interfering with the Work of God, but recalled his wife threatened to "kick him where it hurts" if he got fired again.

A couple of the writers over at VSM are sick and tired of all of the political talk over at M* and T&S (not the defined targets, but obviously who they're talking about). Isn't it ironic two less-actives take the orthodoxers to task for sullying Mere Christianity? Or, is it just picking at motes? Even if it is the latter, does that make their point any less valid?

Adam Greenwood, erudite T&S Literary Critic, rejects Miranda's third attempt at fiction by posting his own Pulitzer Prize worthy material. Clearly, Greenwood, a literary savant, used the quiet time during the passing of Sacrament to good avail by penning this brilliant piece of work on the back of his program. However, his wife pulled his ear rather hard during his scribal exercise, jarring the diligently working artist, for setting a bad example in front of the kids.

OK, I get it, its like a big self-depricating nerd joke. But, even if it is a joke, the fact of the matter is the people sitting around telling the joke actually watch the show, enough to form reasonably articulate opinions about it. Look, people, go outside, there is a world out there, smell the air, walk barefoot in the grass, that shiny thing up there, thats the sun. Thats reality. Not some assinine semi-serious Gilligan's Island spinoff (although I have to confess I have never seen the show, but its got to be assinine by definition, since its prime time TV).

Steve Jobs rejoiced as he locks the Nacle market for iPlods. At the formal press release of the Mormon Archipelago addition of dorkcasts, Jobs was overheard saying "I am really excited about penetrating the Mormon market. They have been such skinflints to date that I have never bothered to put an Apple storefront in Utah or Idaho. Come on people, how long are you going to hold on to WordPerfect on a Win98 PentiumII? Get out of the stone age already! Hopefully this will change things with Mormon content being available. I mean, I have no idea what these polygamist nuts are talking about, but as long as they buy iPods, its good for me...I mean...Apple."

Blather of Heathens has become so absurd over the past few days it is polarizing their readers into Pro and Con camps, leaving little middle ground. Jenn thinks an off-hand remark by her opposites-attract play pal is a marriage proposal, Septimus runs into his former Mental Health Counselor at Church, and Miranda invites three "experts" on Mormon Wierdness to field questions on wierd topics.

How could this possibly be any stranger? If truth is stranger than fiction, then this has got to be real.

The women bloggers at Blather of Heathens are very frustrated nobody takes them seriously, after all, they pour their hearts and souls into the blog.

"The lady doth protest too much, methinks."

a random John has posited a series of questions regarding the fakeness of the blog. I am interested in number 5. It is true this blog has been around for a long time and would be entirely too much effort for a single gainfully employed person to perpetrate as a hoax. So, if a farce, it must be perpetrated by a series of individuals. Lets assume each character is one Nacler, who is which? Here are my guesses with the reasons why:

Mari = Rosalynde Welch, fun and clever, she adopts a completely drab persona who posts about the utterly bland.

Aaron = Nate Oman, normally the most pretentious of the ethereally erudite T&S permabores, he takes on a persona almost completely the opposite: dim-witted, ignorant, and obtuse. But, the irritating arrogance persists, as does the terrible spelling. Hey, there is only so much you can cover up, or perhaps Nate is lampooning his own atrocious spelling in a self-depricating way.

Greg = Aaron Brown, practically a non-member anyway, gets to act like he really is one.

Septimus = Todd Peterson, Stephen Carter, or Christopher Bigelow, one of the former Sugar Beet people. Is it that much of a coincidence the Sugar Beet falls into obscurity when the Blather of Heathens is spawned? The rambling discourses are entertaining and fabulously vivid, so whoever is writing them must be an old hand at this sort of thing.

Miranda = Steve Evans, Blather of Heathens got put onto the BCC blogroll rapidamente when so many others are ignored, he must be involved. She also posted to BCC, which Steve is the admin of, so he wouldn't be exposing the tell-tale IP address leading back to him to some other blog admin. We have also always suspected him of being a closet cross-dresser anyway.

Jenn = Lisa Bushman, Lisa adopts the character of a hopeless, hapless victim of circumstances, the antithesis of her own person.

Kaimi has been blackballed by his fellow T&S permabores for not toeing the line. Since they cannot delete his posts without causing a total Nacle uproar, they have to resort to tag team abuse to silence his un-T&S-like liberal heresy. How dare he not think like they! How did this impudent whelp come among the ranks of the mighty and proud?!

Over on Nine-Moons, Don asks a question about why women leave the dang toilet seats up since they always complain about men doing it. It is clearly obvious to everyone what is happeneing here, its transvestite men leaving the toilet seats up. Everyone knows women don't raise the seat, so it has to be subversive trannies. Don, not realizing this, being "old school" and all, honestly posts the question being genuinely confused. However, Rusty, being the ever sensitive soul he is, particulary when it comes to Gay/Les/Bi/Tran/SSA/xyz issues, and being savvy to the ways of the contemporary tranny ("not that there is anything wrong with that"), realizes what is happening at his Dad's store and moves decisively to quash the impending flame war by deleting it. Fortunately, Don didn't take a burn on Rusty's deletion (unlike some other Nacle whiners) and any bad feelings were dissapated by an evening game of Internet Yahtzee. Good feelings all around.

Look at these tough guys starting a sissy slapfest over having some comments deleted. You'd think someone ran over his dog. To make matters worse, T&S responds in kind. Ah, the pettines of it all never ceases to amuse.

Hoowee! Steve Evans took a regular beating yesterday, first he gets slapped in the face for acting like a one way street, then he gets trounced by a bunch of Nacle Old Timers. Then he gets a nice backhand, just for good measure.

We can all guess what kind of mirthless attempts at humor will worm their way into the Zeitcast next week in the form of curelom grunts, or will Steve turn the other cheek? At this rate, he better watch it, because there are apparently plenty of people around who are ready to slap that one too.

P.S. In the T&S link above, its nice to see Nate Oman admit the Nacle is fatuous, and other Old Timers agree with him.

You know, sometimes leading a boring, dull, quiet life in a little town in central Utah doesn't look all that bad. Susan, we all hope things settle down and your ship comes in.

FlanDiddlyAnders says Nephi is boring, Nephi says "Bring it on, punk!"

Huh, wuh? DKL's wife, or an unreasonable facsimile thereof, weighs in to defend her husband's reputation as one of the Great Lovers of all time. Urrgh...garllg...urrrrpphhj...oh, sorry, I just threw up a little in my mouth...hold on...let me regain my composure here...OK, I just went and brushed my teeth. Phew, I don't know about you, but that was more than I needed to know. One question remains though, for someone so backlogged on his bookpile, how does he find the time to be so skilled in matters of amore? Glurrrk...I gotta stop, I just gagged again.

I just don't understand why they call themselves "Banner of Heaven". They don't talk about heaven at all, or things that are even remotely heavenly, or even spiritual. Their main talking points have been deceiving Sister Missionaries, packages left on doorsteps, why all men are perverted freaks, and breasts (lending creedance to the "why men are perverted freaks" rants). Naturally, the breasts have received the most attention, to idiotic proportions. More Philistine than Mormon.

Therefore, I, the Bloggernacle Snarker, give you a new and more fitting name: BLATHER OF HEATHENS

There, now no non-mormon persons who stumble across this wasteland of unmitigated idiocy, no matter how entertaining (for all the wrong reasons), will mistake it for representative in any way of the LDS Church.

May you wallow in the banal, may you speculate on boobs, may your rants be filled with hate, may your deceptions be opaque, may your love life be tepid, may all undeliverable packages be left on your doorstep. GO FORWARD MIGHTY BLATHER OF HEATHENS, proclaim the ensign of all things vulgar and ignorant!

Even if it is wrapped in plastic, EEEEEEEEW! I need to go wash my hands.

A number of select, elite Naclers...or should we call them "Bloggernaclites"?...have joined in small covert groups, one in Rockville, MD and one in Pentagon City, VA. Secret whispers reveal the purpose of these groups is to undermine the Federal Government, promote a more Contemporary and Streamlined form of Mormonism as "Orthodox", talk about how interesting they are in and of themselves, and exchange jello salad recipes. FBI Wiretaps caught the initial meetings and revealed they were, in fact, quite boring and not a threat to national security.

Never failing to keep the Nacle up to date on his ponderous reading list, Dave lets us all know he is reading more books, and important ones at that, than all the rest of us combined. Impressive. Especially since he is without doubt dedicating at least an hour a day to making sure he reads the entire Book of Mormon before the end of the year.

I think we should all chip in and save up the money to send him to one of those Evelyn Wood Speed Reading classes so he can not only read more than just the Nacle, but read more than the entire combined Free World bloggosphere.

Kim Siever tragically confesses online that he'd rather look at pr0n than read the Bloggernacle. Since his wife posts on the very same blog, one must wonder how long it is until the rolling pin meets his head and they end up in the Bishop's office. Still, we respect his candor.

There isn't anything egocentric people enjoy more than talking about themselves. The lefties (BCC) outnumbered and outweighed the centrists (T&S) and righties (M*) in a discussion intended for Sunstone consumption. Kinda funny how that works. And Aaron Brown will be making a live guest appearance as well. Anyone wanna take bets on how long it will be before Sunstone goes the Dialogue route and smerges with BCC?

If you live in Arizona, and you're a man, DO NOT Trick or Treat at the J's house. You have been warned!

The venerable annegb is trying to set up her oldest daughter, not the recently married "buttgold", with Septimus, the wild-eyed enigma at Banniker of Heaven. If Septimus was a real person, and not the fictional metacharacter of a yet-to-be-outed Nacler, then things could probably work out, given annegb's description. annegb was overheard saying, "I finally got rid of Buttgold, now I need to dispose of Ms. Tattbutt so when I snap and kill my husband there aren't any witnesses."

Gordon Smith, no not the Senator from Oregon--the T&S blogger, has publicly confessed to being the Chairman of the Board of Directors of the Vice Fund while he hypocritically criticizes Orin Hatch for taking filthy lucre.

You know things are slow on the Nacle when people resort to likening the Superheros unto themselves. They probably got the idea from this entry in yesterday's Fark photoshop contest the origin of which is a google of "Bibleman". Since they missed the only True and Living comic book, it makes it pretty obvious these guys are totally uninspired.

For a little fun of our own, here are some Naclers and the super hero/heroine they would be.

Underachievement Boy

Captain Purdy Pretentious

Unemployment Lad

Terse Subject Line Man

The Seductress, now with Hot Lips!

Indecisive Girl

Open Book Woman

The Self Discloser


Post your own in the comments for more great snarky laffs! Haw haw.

Never one to be selfish, Misanthropic Miranda shares her love of all things militantly feminist by spreading her allegations of gender bias around, now liberally salting other blogs with her own particular savory flavor. Her husband must be a real piece of work, she sure is taking it out on all the other men around her. Kind of surprising she doesn't spend more time over at FMH, they'd prolly give her the boot for being so petulant.

Yup, there isn't anything a red-blooded American likes better than some Limey who got his trash whooped in the Revolutionary War coming around bad mouthing our merciless wars of aggression and nuclear holocost. Uh huh, Mr. Contintental, do tell us your thoughts about the Civil War, how nobody was the good guy and nobody was the bad guy. I guess that whole slavery thing just wasn't worth it from the European perspective. And, what a surprise, the Brit doesn't like W!

Should we talk about all those lovely and delicate British conquests where they so humanely and gently machine gunned and bombed the natives before taking a break for afternoon tea and a rousing game of cricket. Cheerio, good fellow! Student visa revocation anyone?

Personally, I cannot wait for comments on his visit to Boston Harbor, Lexington and Concord, the Liberty Bell, Valley Forge, Monticello, and Colonial Williamsburg. Do tell us if they were all good guys and find a pithy Bob Dylan quote that fits, will you good chap? There's a good sport.

Its so easy to find snarkworthy material with Banner of Heaven around!

Yesterday alone we got three, nay four, great posts from the Banner kids. First, Sagacious Septimus decides he isn't getting enough attention, so in a one liner he pleads with people to beg him to tell all about it. Gimmeabreak, Mr. AttentionGettingBehavior!

Misanthropic Miranda then announced all men are perverted swine obsessed with their genitals who manipulate teenage girls to their sexual advantage, and even the GAs and Scriptures are mysogynistic, to the howls of various Naclers, so she deleted her post and printed a retraction. One only wonders how long it will take Ms. Misanthropy to self-censor while she is writing as opposed to after the fact. Live and learn, honey.

Then, to top it all off, Gregarious Greg admits to being an infiltrator trying to subvert the Saints by introducing false doctrine regarding membership statistics. To which various Naclers only too eagerly lap up the false doctrines of the Church of Monday Night Football, violating the First Presidency counsel to have Family Home Evening. Nice, Greg, keep it up. We have our eyes on you! Won't be long before the Avenging Angel pays you a visit.

Daryle Wayne "Septimus" Johnson and Alton Junior "Dale" Moran, formerly of Banner of Heaven infamy, were recently arrested for bootleggin moonshine. "Septimus" stated, through an attorney, he would maintain his online personality since the prison warden stated that "good behavior" would get him access to the Prison Library computer.

Following up on his attempt to snark the Snarker, FlanDiddlyAnders points out that you may as well go to a movie on Sunday since he has already paid pennance for you by spending a childhood suffocating in an oppresive Sabbath environment in his Sunday Best Dress playing horrifically painful boredgames. OK, well, that does it for me! I am off to the Mall, since its already open and I don't want to prolong Ned's agony!

I have to say Ned has lost absolutely all fashion cred with me. He mocks Egyptian head coverings. DUH! Everyone in vogue knows the Egyptians were the ancient world's haute couture. Lets see you deal with head lice in such style! Not likely, Brylcream Boy.

Color me surprised! The BCC guys take on a seemingly less-than-zealous Church member for being less-than forthright about his seemingly "objective" (i.e., dissenting, critical) views of the LDS Church.

Wait a sec here, isn't this the same group of guys who frequently disparage the CES, the GAs, FARMS, FAIR, anyone interested in "faithful history" and all of that? Aren't these the guys who actively promote Dialogue and frequently push Sunstone?

I am SOOOO confused!

Who knew? Miranda PJ, over at Banner of Heaven, is a Constitutional Scholar! It is truly amazing what people can accomplish in their spare time. So, she weighs in on the subject of the Harriet Miers nomination, and is promptly slapped down by her arch-nemesis. Ouch, that has got to hurt. I sense an imminent revisit to the DKL banning thread.

Remains of Sam found! Article suggests his demise was at hands of vengeful Laman and Lemuel. Daniel C. Petersen, BYU professor, FARMS apologist, Meridian Magazine author, and occasional Bloggernacle frequenter, said of the find, "This explains why nothing is heard about him after the family separates shortly after the death of Lehi. We know Jacob and Joseph are consecrated as priests, but nothing is said of Sam. Now we know why. I'm going to write a paper on this and put it on the FARMS website."

Regarding Petersen's statement, Ben Spackman reportedly said "Wow, so cool!". Kontentious Kurt allegedly kommented, "What a pretentious idiot!" Dastardly DKL was overheard saying "If he wasn't so mindlessly devoted to Nibley he would be able to see how ignorant he is of the basic tenets of logical discourse. And, I am still waiting for his explication of objective falsehood." Tanya Spackman, no relations to Ben, reportedly said "If those buttholes try to discuss it on M* I will gratuitously delete everything they post! Fetchin jerks. I so so wish I could ban them flippin hard."

So the Conservatives scattered across T&S and M* are at it again! They're all running amok over W's nomination of an esteemed insider to the Supreme Court. From the ranting and raving you would think Hillary Clinton had just announced her candidacy for President in 2008!

What it boils down to is W has said "Trust me on this one" and the Conservatives are saying "Nope, sorry, we don't trust you anymore." So, back up the dumptruck and unload all your anger from 6 years of hand-wringing over a hardcore conservative justice being nominated. Isn't it interesting these Republicans would rather have a knock-down drag-out no-holds-barred war with the Democrats over a flaming right winger John Birch nominee than trust W's judgement? Can you say "Lame Duck"?

Why would non-conservatives even care? Because it is kind of amusing to see people frothing at the mouth so bad that they cannot even spell. And innacurately use Biblical metaphors, and pretentiously use obscure Roman history references.

Meanwhile, the liberals take up the weightier matters of life. Yup, pretty much nothing of any consequence whatsoever happened on the Bloggernacle on Wednesday. But, I would be remiss if I did not point out one fun snarky historical factoid did grace the bloggernacle yesterday.

Talk about gratuitously long and painful repeat threads, the three part festival of cut and paste horribly long e-mails (e-mail is so last century guys, get hip with the times!) mercifully comes to an end at BCC. Now we can all see why Steve's feeble attempts at humor in the Bloggernacle Times weekly Zeitgeist posts fall down flat. Because he is analyzing humor, its causes, and social context, rather than telling funny jokes (curelom grunts notwithstanding). Its like Dr. Spock trying to get yucks out of Capt. James T. Kirk. "Did you hear the one about the Vulcan, the Romulan, and the Human?". "Yes, yes, Spock, please don't tell it again, 'That's illogical' isn't much of a punchline." "'Dammit Jim, I'm a Doctor, not an elevator!'" "Nice try, Spock." The funniest thing in the entire debaucle is Todd Petersen's admission to having incontinence problems. Muahaha.

Hey, guess what? If you stop attending Church and no longer observe the Sabbath, you have more free time to indulge yourself and pursue personal gratification! NO WAY! Yes, its true. Why selflessly serve anyone other than yourself doing something unpalatable, when you can while away the time watching TV, window shopping at the Mall, reading the latest novel in Oprah's Book of the Month club, or just flat out laying around doing absolutely nothing?

Jeffrey D. Giliam attempts to anonymously confess why he really wants to be a lawyer, but is outed by the keen eye of the Bloggernacle Snarker.

Source in context.

Judge Lori Blake, coincidentally the Fannin 1st Ward Young Women's President, ordered one of her Young Women, who happened to come through her courtroom, to observe the letter of the Law, as dictated by the LDS Church's For the Strength of Youth pamphlet. At Church the following Sunday, the mother of Christina Marie Blazer were overheard saying "I didn't realize a Texas state judge could enforce the Word of God like that." The father then said "Maybe Texas will have better luck than we did". Christina said "It wasn't mine, it was Kelly's, I was just holding it for her." Both parents are reported to have rolled their eyes. The Bishop of the Fannin 1st Ward is allegedly considering promoting Sister Blake to Relief Society President once all of the "troubled youth" of the ward age out of the YW program.

Nate Oman, T&S's pedantic literary and gardening writer, has gone too far as far as Clan Cervidae are concerned. He is a marked man.

FYI, Image clipped from here.

As if there weren't enough posts on the bloggernacle about General Conference, every single group blog on the face of the entire Mormon e-universe has one. No foolin.

Well, here you go. It is soooo time for something different. And here it is! A completely superficial and entirely substanceless review of the Fall 2005 General Conference!

President Hinkley looks and sounds great for 95. If I look as good at 95 as he does, count me in.

The flowers behind the podium were really nice. Not too bright, not too bland.

Elder ???'s (curse my feeble mind) combover was bad, distractingly bad, in a really Trump sort of way.

Elder Faust would look great with a mustache.

Elder Monson needs to stop dying. If he isn't dying his hair, I apologize, but if that isn't Just For Men, then I'm a monkey. Oooo Oo Eee Ee!

My sources inform me Elder Faust called Steve EM and The Angry Mormon to task for their anti-GA rantings on the Bloggernacle* Friday night during the Priesthood Session.

President Faust said** the following:

"Steve EM, the artist formerly know as the Former Serial Fornicator, is talking trash. The man clearly has no experience and speaks from abject ignorance. His self-referential comments and frequently obscene posts tell you what is in the man. Remember, 'those things which proceed out of the mouth come forth from the heart; and they defile the man' (Matthew 15:18). If Steve EM isn't full of crap, I don't know who is."

"Whoever is authoring the Trap, No Trap blog needs to talk to his Bishop. The man clearly needs to repent of his self-destructive anger and hatred, get the help he needs, and move on with his life in a positive and constructive direction. Flailing the people around you never healed a broken heart. I wish I knew who it was so I could get the man some help. His suffering pains me."

*ok, so he didn't actually reference the "bloggernacle" per se, but we all know that is what he was really talking about.

**interpolated quotes, this is what he meant, not what he literally said.