Owing to the furor over whether or not FMH is a "big blog" or not, we, the esteemed members of SnarkerNacle, collectively would like to apologize to all the gals, and wannabe gals, at FMH and say "Let them be BIG!"

And, so, having been granted the title "big", we now need to figure out what kind of big, or "How big?"

Hence the "How Big is FMH?" poll.

Make your voice heard!

We all knew the feigned benevolence of DKL was statistically improbable; that a man so-reviled could actually positively contribute to the Bloggernacle community of his own will and volition by creating and maintaining a public aggregator site!



Now, we bring you the BREAKING NEWS that will rock the very foundation of the Nacle:



!!! SUBLIMINAL MESSAGES HIDDEN ON LDSelect !!!



That's right, folks. Thanks to sophisticated technology stolen from a third-world country that still uses an Apple IIe to calculate their GDP, we bring you the following details -- for YOUR protection!



A site just like any other. Or is it?



Let's take a closer look at the suspicious Eye of Horrus in the corner, shall we?




First, we flip horizontally, then vertically invert the image, as shown:



Next, let's blow that up a little bit so we can see better:



STILL don't see the obvious mind manipulation taking place here?

Thanks to the newly acquired 'Nacle SuperMag Lens, we will sharpen the area of interest (click to enlarge):



Danger, danger, folks! Stay away! Enter at your own risk!! You have been warned.

DKL is apparently trying to diversify MoronMentality into a high brow neo-KulturBlahg. He tries to mix it up a little by dancing around Rusty's venerable, if not interminable, Top Five thing by talking about Beethoven's top 4 and DKL's Top Six. But, otherwise, it is pretty much the same thing. Kulturblog is climbing the ranks at LDSDefect, so you emulate their success by ripping them off. Roll over, Beethoven.

Sure, DKL, we believe you. You collect books, you listen to classical music. Got it. Can I tell you how impressed we all are here at SnarkerNacle at how well-rounded you are? Something tells me the only time DKL ever listened to any of this stuff is on his old Hooked on Classics albums. Please do your next not-Top Five, but Four or Six on Impressionist Paintings and then we will swoon at how cultured you are. Or are you going to change it up some and start a MovieDrome CineSadist mashup?

It’s no secret in the halls of the Bloggernacle that Guy Murray doesn’t like George W. Bush.

He likes Dick Cheney even less.



Guy has gone to great lengths to express his displeasure with Cheney. The recent announcement of Cheney’s impending commencement speech to be given at BYU has pushed Murray to the breaking point.

He’s really mad. How mad you ask? Mad enough to [drum roll] sign a petition.

I know. I know. Take a deep breath, o faint of heart reader.

In truth, Guy’s dislike of Cheney most likely lies with a deep seated fear of Cheney. Well, we’ve been discussing the issue of why Guy fears a Dick Cheney speech at BYU so much and have come up with this list of probable reasons:

1. Dick Cheney has a shotgun and knows how to use it.
2. Guy is worried that Cheney might resume his hobby of slipping out of the hotel at night to kill left-winged whiny out of touch with reality bloggers.
3. Dick Cheney’s burning rage could cause a drought which would devastate Utah’s dry land farmers.
4. The after effects (fallout) of a Cheney visit to BYU might cause University of Utah sports teams to wither and evaporate at the edge of campus.
5. Utah’s homeland security threat level would be replaced with a Dick Cheney irritation meter.
6. The few remaining liberal professors at BYU would have to hunker down in old bomb shelters at the JKHB to avoid exposure to Cheney’s burning conservatism.
7. No matter where Dick Cheney happens to be on any particular night, Guy Murray checks under his bed to make sure Cheney isn’t hiding there.
8. Dick Cheney’s gaze can kill small animals.
9. Dick Cheney’s plan to combat global warming centers around wastefully burning hippies as a power source.

And finally, the biggest reason why Guy Murray lives in mortal fear of Dick Cheney:


10. Days after Guy’s I Hate Dick Cheney post on Bloggernacle Times was picked up by the NSA, Guy received a cyber butt whooping that caused him to shutter said blog forever. Only the pre-emptive protective ingesting of the Celestial Kingdom’s official soft drink kept Guy from withering like a dried reed.

And, just to slam the door on Guy’s assumption that BYU alumni will flock to the anti-Cheney petition, let me just state for the record two things – 1) I am a BYU Alumni and 2) the fact that Cheney will speak at BYU’s Commencement this spring may just finally give me a reason to answer the phone the next time they call me for a donation.

Not to be outdone by Guy, Permabore Julie attempts to fill the Bloggernacle Times void with her own thinly veiled, Daily Kos like anti-Cheney post. Careful, Julie. The NSA is watching. Makes me wonder just who Guy and Julie would find worthy to address the BYU commencment. Ever wanting to be noticed, especially in a post that gets actual traffic, Guy inserts himself in the comments.

In short, I think Guy will find whatever protest happens in Provo will be filled with people who don’t have anything better to do with their lives.

...who's the fairest of them all?

There is nothing quite like watching people gaze at themselves longingly in the mirror as they talk about how cool they are and how uncool everyone else is. Yeah, you really do need to sit there and talk about yourselves just a little bit more to convince all of us fence-sitters whether 4 boxes is better than 8.

My shade is blue is so much more lovely than your ugly shade of unaesthetic jarring blue, which literally hurts my eyes, and which used to be purple. Really, purple. Who uses purple anymore? How gauche.

Customization is now and hip and cool, and inclusivity is where it is at, even though you have to draw the line somewhere, that somewhere I am at is so much more there than some others, which are not where I am, because I am so much better at being me, which me is inclusive and customizable and better. Did I mention customizable?

Yes, please, do keep fawning over yourselves endlessly and repetitiously tell us just one more time why you are better.

DMI Dave, Overseeing Editor of the Bloggernacle Times, has apparently had an epiphany and realized what was abundantly obvious to everyone else: The Bloggernacle Times was not doing what it was supposed to be doing. So, they are pulling the plug on what was little more than Guy Murray's personal political soap box of Bush-hating vitriol. Naturally, the only one really upset about this is Guy, since he got more traffic there than at his own misnamed pseudo-group blog, which he will now have to return to and solo blog at in obscurity. Hey, since Guy loves, loves, loves T&S, and has kissed more butts there than anyone should have to without going unrewarded, maybe they will pick him up as a permabore there, owing to his nearly prescient insights into all things political. Or, perhaps, Mormon Mentality, since DKL considers him "a stand-up guy", will. I am sure MM and T&S are in a bidding war right now, as who can pass on the engrossing 24/7/365 Mitt Romney campaign updates?

Kaimi blogs about "By their fruits ye shall know them", but what about the fruits of the T&S permabores? Adam has not been posting for awhile, but he pretty frequently posts to the sidebar and comments on and off. One has to wonder if Adam has been administratively censured there at T&S over his stupid "I am so Abinadi" post awhile back, which resulted in KHH and Melissa leaving. Or maybe Adam's wife has cut him off, since he had been spending way too much time online? Regardless of the reason, it is pretty obvious what Adam has been doing with his spare time: attending improv comedy classes. He must be, because his comments are so darn funny. I mean, seriously, who but a genius can turn the Haun's Mill Massacre and the Meadow Mountain Massacre into comedy gold?

The Bloggernacle is full of people recovering from issues related to a rough childhood. Some had to deal with playground bullies. Others had to find a path through the man-infested school systems to fulfill their feminist birthright.

Mormon Mentality’s Tagore evidently had his Winnie the Pooh doll stolen from his playroom. Perhaps he wanted to be Tigger, only to realize there could only be one Tigger and he would never rate the stripes. Whatever the reason, Tagore hates Winnie the Pooh, Tigger, Eeyore, and don’t even get him started on Piglet.

Tagore’s post isn’t without merit. Now we know the underlying reasons behind adolescent alcohol abuse. So, if you’ve ever had to deal with the temptations of the bottle, it’s all Pooh’s fault.

Parent’s be warned!

WHM:let’s sing “Follow the Prophet”

by Mary Ann

In honor or Women’s History Month, I’ve written a few extra verses for the Primary song “Follow the Prophet”. I thought the FMH community might enjoy seeing them.

Lisa was a blogger—
She sold out her soul,
with sexy help from Artemis
she made the pink blog grow.
What you lack in quality,
make up in quantity.
FMH will show the way to
Hell for you and me.

CHORUS:
Forget the Prophets,
Forget the Prophets,
Forget the Prophets,
Broad is the way.
Reject the Scriptures,
Reject the Scriptures,
Reject the Scriptures,
Broad is the way.

JohnR was not a prophet—
he wants to be one though,
“I once had the Priesthood
I renounce it for me and you”
Pretending to be a woman,
JohnR wore a kilt
Apologized for his appendage
suffering from his man-guilt.

repeat Chorus

Quimby wants the Priesthood
Shout all those men right down!
I'm smareter than some old dude,
your Bishop is a clown.
With self-righteous anger
she becomes a permabore,
who now can contain her?
She'll wildly rant even more.

repeat Chorus

(1 Cor. 14:34-35 JST)
Paul really was a prophet
he knew what to do,
when women covet Priesthood
they're not allowed to rule.
Worthy men can get the Priesthood,
Brother Joseph he agreed,
But FMH will not hear it,
Lacking eyes to see.

repeat Chorus

(Alma 32:23)
Women they can be inspired,
Little children too,
That doesn't get them Priesthood,
Just like the men do.
Grasp and rest the Scriptures,
on your feminist blog,
It really doesn't matter,
Cause God chooses theolog.

Since prominent women in the LDS Church should not talk about, mention, discuss or even make oblique reference to anything having to do with the kitchen, cooking, food and anything like unto it out of danger of casting all women into the role of June Cleaver, BCC is offering a new politically correct Book of Recipes Approved For Discussion by Mormon Women Approved by Accredited Feminists Who Know More Than You Do About How You Should Do Your Job (Just Ask Us):


This is the only recipe book suitable for any woman in the Church who holds any calling whatsoever and make any pretense at pretending to entertain the notion of perhaps, maybe, sort of being anything more than shackled to the stove. So, you can cook and be really good at it, and charitably serve others by it, but do not talk about it.

And, the next time you decide to write up a little article in a magazine that pretty much nobody reads or subscribes to (is there even a print version of "Meridian"?) and has no affiliation to the LDS Church, don't you dare point out you are woman, who has an English degree and uses it to publish recipe books and talk about obscure and rarely discussed historical facts regarding prominent historical women who have exhibited Charity through cooking or KHH will violently lacerate you with her ever increasing, undoubtably righteous indignation over pointing out these women...heaven forbid...loitered anywhere in the vicinity of a stove, cooking range or domestic installation of any kind, perceived or real.

We might suggest BCC add one recipe to their tome. This recipe is RIGHT ON.

Update: The comments on this post have taken this one from bad to worse. Watch Kaimi put his pro-feminist street cred on the line to attack Kristine's position as payback for leaving T&S some months ago. Ugly, and not in a "sweet spirit" kind of way either. Also, while Steve may be waiting for some Apostolic Cinnamon Sugar cookies, be sure not to miss this awesome recipe, sure to be a hit at your next ward function.

Kaimi thinks all of the Women's History Month posts at FMH prove FMH isn't frivilous. Oh, really?

Lets take a look at who is posting so far:

Ronan (of BCC)
Julie M. Smith (of T&S)
Kiskillilli (of Z's D's, which beat FMH in the Niblets)
Margaret Toscano (no blog)
Heather O. (of MMW)
Julie M. Smith (of T&S)
Todd Compton (no blog)

Sorry, Kaimi, but a month of guest posts by people who are not FMHers only serves to prove that FMH is, in fact, frivilous. Because once April rolls around, guess what? Back to the same old, same old.


Yeah, Kaimi, if FMH could just get a few more guest bloggers from BCC and T&S this month, maybe that would prove FMH can carry their own. Which is why Kaimi will be mitigating some of his severe man-guilt over having XY chromosomes by posting this week to FMH talking about how he wishes he were a woman.

Update:Apparently this is an example of the kind of non-frivolous "fun story" that Kaimi likes there at FMH. Another stunning gem in the FMH catalog of substance and style. I personally cannot wait for Ardis, Margaret or Julie to post there on T&S about the kicky pair of cute, red sling backs they picked up over the weekend.

Most bloggers who have babies and small children at home neglect them in favor of blogging (YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!). Well, hell has frozen over because one of them actually has been responsible enough to stop blogging for awhile and spend more time where it really counts, with his kids. Good on you, Christian. May you be a shining example to all the other irresponsible jerks who blog instead of change diapers, mop spit up and give their kids some one-on-one time.

On the other hand, Christian, for your one post in months, come on, like the Bloggernacle really needs more about Mitt? Good to see you are doing well, but, please, no more Mitt!

Hey, Bloggernacle, you know what?


That is so right. We love you. So much. You know why? Because you never use it to promote your personal political views. You always stand by the Prophets, no matter what the vagaries of pop culture are, always putting your virtue before popularity. Because you strive unceasingly to promote quality through substantive contributions. Because you always rise above petty personal rivalries and recognize that substance is more important than style. You don't promote yourself. You always defer praise and adulation. Yes, you are the very model of a Zion Community. And, so, we render you your due.

But, seriously, folks. We want to thank the 72% of people who voted for something other than us for the Worst Thing About The Bloggernacle. You know why? Because SnarkerNacle isn't the worst thing about it, not by a long shot. Its kind of obvious who voted for us as the worst, right? Do we even need to say who that 28% is? No, I didnt think so. So, for all you voted against us, we salute you!

en garde!

My Very Dear Ms. Parshall,

Whilst I appreciate your esteemed and constant love, I hasten to bring some points to your attention that might serve to illuminate this recondite matter of ass kissing.

Now, firstly, Ms. Parshall, permit me to digress for one moment to address matters pertaining to polity. Owing to your apparent expertise in matters of history, one might have assumed one of such experience would do the research to place such statements into their appropriate historical context, so as not to cast them into a modern light, which light might place them in an unflattering position, and seemingly grant license to those looking to excuse themselves in sin. As such is the case, I would hasten to encourage one such as you to more fully practice their art with greater wisdom and skill, so one might be a servant of the public, and not a detriment thereunto.

Returning to the subject at hand, I would turn your mind about to a thing called the osculum infame. This thing is in reference to an ancient and evil practice of commiting oneself to the devil via a rather unpleasant and shameful act whereupon one enters into his community by ingratiatingly placing one's mouth upon his posterior in a vile and unseemly way, which is then followed by the licentious ritual of adulterous orgy with the evil community, then ultimately consumated with the Black Mass, a flagrant mockery of the Lord's Supper.

The etymology of this ancient phrase, which dates as far back 1303, is such that "kiss my ass" is meant to imply the one you are speaking to has already performed the osculum infame, meaning they are in league with the devil, and so they are as one who does such things as far as you are concerned.

This was the meaning intended in my quotation you have publicized, Ms. Parshall. Namely that our critics, who lie with deceitful tongues and defame us far and wide and appeal to the corrupt politicians who neither protect but only persecute us, are in the Devil's own house, and thus they are damned with him.

I expect no apology from you, but would appreciate you take this small lesson to heart and mind in the future so that you might understand that I had no intention of being profance and vulgar, and thereby offer a bad example to the Saints, but was correctly identifying the damned state of those heretics who would lie and persecute us with no cause, whom the Justice of the Lord will condemn. Worlds without end.

Thx anon submitter

Announcer: Good evening. An welcome again to "Pumping Up You Blog with Nate & Kaimi", the creative writing program for the serious blogger.



Kaimi: Hello! We're back!

Nate: I am Nate.

Kaimi: And I am Kaimi.

Together: And we just want to.. [ clap ] Pump.. up you blog!

Nate: Alright. But before we can pump you blog tonight, we have to answer a piece of reader e-mail.

Kaimi: Ya. Ya. This is an e-mail I received from some guy named Kurt. I'll only read an excerpt, so I don't go into his loser details. "Dear Kaimi: I have recently seen your.. mo-.. mo-"

Nate: Mormon.

Kaimi: "..your mormon blog, and have wondered why it is you always want to blog and comment on women's issues and talk feminism. Maybe you are too stupid to realize you are a man." [ angrily closes lid on laptop ] You know, maybe you thought this letter would make me angry; but it only makes me sad.

Nate: Really, ya. We are sad, you know, because anyone who calls us "stupid" is really just jealous. Because the Nacle looks at us, then looks at him, and realizes he is just a little tiny-man with a little tiny blog!

Kaimi: Ya. Ya, tiny-man. Hear me now and believe me later - but don't comment about it ever, because, if you try to comment, you will be banned!

Nate: Ya!

Kaimi: Poor little tiny-man, alone in his tiny-blog! We ban him! Ha!

Nate: Sorry, Mr. Tiny-man, but here's a treat for the Bloggernacle!

[ Nate & Kaimi lift up their laptops and show the front page of T&S egotistically ]

Nate: Alright.

Kaimi: Oh, and thank you so much for the e-mail. [ waves his hand and hits the delete key ]

Nate: Ya! Ya, don't think for a minute he's not deleting it, because believe me he is!

Kaimi: My laptop loved eating the electrons of the tiny-man e-mail and the megahertz get bigger.

Nate: Ya! You know, we're not here to delete. We're here to...

Together: Pump.. [ clap ] ..you blog up!

Kaimi: Oh, and by the way, we'd like to take this time to announce the opening of my big, new sister girly blog. It is really big, like our blog, just for girls, big girls, who like to talk about big girl things, you know.

Nate: That's right. Ya! It's called the Sexundpoopatorium! Ya! And soon you will meet FMHLisa. She manages the new big, huge blog. She is big, ya, like us. But my wife, she does not blog there, she has her own big blog, that is not a sex and poopatorium.

Kaimi: Ya, you know, because we don't have time to blog about all sister girly things as much as we want to, and believe me, we want to. But believe me, we have trained her well to be big like us.

Nate: Ya! And she's one big woman with a big blog, believe me! Ya, come on out here, FMHLisa!

Kaimi: FMHLisa, come on out!



[ FMHLisa runs onto the set ]

FMHLisa: Hey, Nate! How you doing, Kaimi?

Kaimi: Yes! Do you ever show pity on those little blogging losers?

FMHLisa: No! These tiny blog losers, they're small and not big like us! They're weak, sexist, conspiring, farcical pigs, who should be only banned! You hear me? Banned! Banned! Banned!

Nate: Ya! Ya! Alright. Interesting. Now, tell us, FMHLisa, what would you do with a tiny-man who wrote a little baby e-mail?

FMHLisa: Here me now, and here me now, tiny-man! Don't be thinking I can't come to your blog, and pummel your head with a 2x4 and knock some sense into your tiny, little head! You should be banned! You hear me! Banned, banned, banned, banned!

[ Nate & Kaimi subdue FMHLisa ]

Nate: Alright. Alright.

Kaimi: Enough talk.

Together: We're not here to talk. We're here to pump.. [ clap ] ..you blog up! Because we big.

Nate: Alright, FMHLisa. Alright, thanks for coming down, FMHLisa.

FMHLisa: Okay, I'll see you guys later. Oh, by the way. Your cousin Steve Evans came by today.

Nate: Oh, don't-don't-don't be joking us.

Kaimi: Ya. You'd better not be pulling my big huge leg.

FMHLisa: He did! He said he might drop by. Alright, he might even read your blog. Okay, see you later! [ exits set ]

Kaimi: Steve?

Nate: Coming here?

Kaimi: Today?

Nate: Today? Oh..

Kaimi: Oh..

Nate: Oh, I don't believe this!

Kaimi: We are not properly pumped up!

[ Nate & Kaimi desperately start blogging and posting ]

Nate: I don't believe this! Oh no, I can't believe it!



[Steve enters the set, his two laptops featuring BCC and Kulturblog bouncing in rhythm]

Steve: Hello, hello. I am back!

Nate: Oh, Steve , I can't believe how properly pumped up you really are! I was not really hoping you were gone forever!

Kaimi: Ya! You are the embodiment of perfect blogitude!

Steve : No, no, no.. relax, fellows, relax.

Nate: Hey, Steve , look at this! [ blogs ]

Kaimi: Ya! Look at this! [ blogs more vigorously ]

Steve: Oh, you guys make me sick. [ mimes vomiting ] This is what you have to do. Like this [ demonstrates dual blogging on both laptops at once, right hand blogging on BCC and left hand blogging on Kulturblog, all on billable time ] That's the way to do it! Look at you guys, how pitiful losers you are! You call yourselves lawyers? You know something? I hate the way you guys blog! What's the matter with you? I mean, I leave you here to become real hard-core blogginators, and look what you are - little boogers! I wanted you to become real big men; but you are tiny-men. Oh, come on, your blog makes me sick! And look at those sidebars, they look like little skinny sticks and you steal all your links from me! And those brown banners. Ugly, like muddy water. You guys should ask J.Stapley and Rusty to redesign your background. And believe me- [ sees sullen faces ] What's the matter?

Kaimi: It's no use, Steve...compared to you...we are losers. And not even the grown-up kind, the little baby losers.

Nate: Ya. You know, you could very easily out-blog us with your littlest finger, and send us spiraling down into the MoArch Occasional Islands until we landed in our own baby poop, like the blog about at Sexundpoopatorium.

Steve: I know. I know, you're right. But don't be downing yourself too much now. Maybe a little bit, but not too much, right now anyway, at least not in my presence, you can down yourself more later. Listen to me now, and believe me later: it doesn't matter how much you pump up your blog stats, as long as you reach your full pooptential, like FMHLisa.

Kaimi: Oh... okay...

Nate: Ya, I think I understand, Steve. 'Sank you.

Kaimi: Ya. Ya, Steve . You've given us something to hear now, and something to think about later.

Steve: Ya. But now, hear this: "BCC will always crush T&S and FMH in the Niblets, no matter what you do to pump your stats up!"

Julie at T&S put the link to the Niblets in the T&S sidebar and shouts "I AM ornery", take a look:



The always honest AnneGB nominated Ms. Smith as the "best ornery blogger" or something like that. Maybe its just me, but I have always considered "ornery" to be rather...um...derogatory. Lets check and see:

or·ner·y /ˈɔrnəri/ Pronunciation Key - Show Spelled Pronunciation [awr-nuh-ree] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation
–adjective, -ner·i·er, -ner·i·est. Dialect.
1. ugly and unpleasant in disposition or temper: No one can get along with my ornery cousin.
2. stubborn: I can't do a thing with that ornery mule.
3. low or vile.
4. inferior or common; ordinary.
[Origin: 1790–1800; contr. of ordinary]

Yup, that was what I thought it meant. Well, either Julie is finally admitting to us all what we already know, or she doesn't know what the word means. If it the former, then she will leave the mouse-over description there. If it is the latter, then she will remove the mouse-over once she has read this.

You know, sometimes I just don't even have to try. These things just write themselves.

FMH Rich hates George W. Bush. He absolutely loathes Dick Cheney. This hate and loathing he feels for the aforementioned men is superseded only by the vitriol he feels for anybody who voted for, gave money to, or even so much as smiled at them since November of 2000.

You see, FMH Rich has got it all figured out. The world would be such a much nicer, safer, and more peaceful place if we would but hearken unto the wisdom of FMH Rich. So, where pray tell may we go to find this light and knowledge that will so improve our lives?

I'd love to point to to FMH Rich's blog or published works, but sadly I cannot.

He sees fit to grace the world with his enlightenment in the comment section - mostly on the posts of FMH. (I'd link you directly to the comments, but FMH still hasn't fixed that problem. Calling J. Stapely!)

In addition to his foreign policy and economic expertise, FMH Rich is also a noted scriptorian. He has taken great exception to an April 2003 General Conference Address by the Prophet, Seer, and Revelator of the Lord Jesus Christ - Gordon B. Hinckley. President Hinckely, FMH Rich would like you to know

proved that he does not understand the scripture he quoted in support of Bush’s little war in Iraq.

(Author's note - unlike FMH Rich, I'll give you the link to the whole address, rather than just cherry pick it without any reference what so ever.)

FMH Rich's potshot can be found in the #1 comment on FMH Rebecca's post. Rebecca has some good questions. I hope she finds her answers. After reading most of FMH Rich's comments - he takes the lion's share - I've come to the conclusion he must spend the better part of his day chugging pickle juice, if not sucking the vinegar from the pickles themselves in order to keep his mood and mindset in the proper balance.

So, FMH Rich's diatribe via comments evidently begs the question: To whom will you look for the "proper" interpretation of any given scripture - the Prophet, Seer, and Revelator of the Lord Jesus Christ - or FHM Rich?

The answer is pretty clear to me.

Guest post: Mahmood Ahmadinejad

In the name of God, the Compassionate, the Merciful, O, Almighty God, bestow upon humanity the perfect human being promised to all by You, and make us among his followers.

Noble Bloggers,

As HP/JDC and Ronan and Daniel Good Democrat and Connor Boyack and Guy Murray point out over and over, day after day, were we not faced with the activities of the US administration in this part of the world and the negative ramifications of those activities on the daily lives of our peoples, coupled with the many wars and calamities caused by the US administration as well as the tragic consequences of US interference in other countries; Were the American people not God-fearing, truth-loving, and justice-seeking , while the US administration actively conceals the truth and impedes any objective portrayal of current realities; And if we did not share a common responsibility to promote and protect freedom and human dignity and integrity; Then, there would have been little urgency to have a dialogue with you.

But as Bored in Vernal and John Dehlin want you to pray, fast and meditate in an effort to promote peace in Iran, by sending positive energy into the universe toward this situation, then I, President Ahmadinejad give thanks for your truth-loving efforts in not praying for troops and to expose scheming liar Bush for premeditated Murder on Iran through Zionest entity, which lies about Holocost to get sympathy while murdering Palestinians.

I, President of Iranian Peoples, accept positive energy sent through universe, and harness in righteous nuclear enrichment facility with your love and prayers to create peace-loving truthful energy which has no brake and no reverse gear to bring peace to Middle East, by driving Israel into sea and ending Zionist regime murder of Palestinian Diaspora.

Peace be upon you, Bloggernacle, for sending energy through universe to me. I promise to use this energy for peace to bring about Hidden Imam, Mahdi to rule in peace forever.

Be recipient of hugs and kisses, Mahmood.

Grouchy Smurf, distant bluish relative of Grumpy Dwarf, doesn't like unsmurfy grace! Doesn't matter that unsmurfy Philip "Gargamel" Yancey's definition agrees with Azrael's concordance, or the LDS canonical usage of the term. It just isn't smurfy!

OK, Grouchy Smurf, go and make up your own definition of "grace", one that neatly fits into your private speculative theology of allegorical Adam & Eve, Multiple Mortal Probations and loopy hermeneutics. Then label it "smurfy" and all the other Smurfs there in Smurfysville can blog about how smurfy it is.

We are Ridiculous postMormon Feminists. We are men and women, gay and straight, white and of color, of varying ages and abilities, from many nationalities and economic backgrounds, but we are all trendy, worldly pseudo-intellectuals. As such, we write this proclamation to selfishly assert our needs and our agenda for those oppressed by the church’s stand on issues of gender and sexuality, which is so traditional it is just no longer cool, hip and suitable for mainstream left-wing America.

We affirm that the LDS Church has to move out of the 18th century into the 21st century and get with the times and drop this whole Bible thing. Vox populi is where it is at, and the old school prophet stuff is just a load of crap...unless we are voted to be the prophets, then it is cool and we are down with that.

But, we are not, so as such, we assert that we will overthrow the current hierarchy so we can grab power from them, because they do not understand that we don't want to repent or change and our ideas concerning Jesus are that he accepts us in our sins no matter what so you Priesthood-wielders who tell us to repent and submit to the Authority of God are just a bunch of out-of-touch old farts and we are hip and cool.

Additionally, we like to pretend that the last pair of chromosomes in every cell of our bodies does not determine our sex, but rather people can choose their "gender" by doing whatever they want regardless of consequences to society. People ought to be allowed to be horribly selfish and do whatever they want, because the individual is more important than the family and, besides, families are just groups of individuals, and having two mothers on a birth certificate proves we are not just pretending that sperm-donors don't exist. They really, legally do not exist.

We covet the Priesthood and will take it from you and give it to whoever we want, whenever we want, regardless of what they do, because that's the way we roll.

While we affirm the free agency of each individual to make their own choices about Mormon belief and practice, but if you don't agree with us and follow suit then you had better get the hell out of the way because we are going to build our own version of the all-inclusive Zion where sin is OK right over your stodgy, old white man geezerhoodness and we will pave right over your front yard in the process.

We acknowledge that large changes seldom happen overnight. We suggest the following as beginning steps to achieving the goals discussed above:

1) Call couples to serve in bishoprics together. Allow women to interview and hear the confessions of other women, because they will be able to feed the ward grapevine all that much faster and get peer pressure into play to get everyone in line faster.
2) Jettison boy scouts and create the same youth programs for girls and boys, seriously, Boy Scouts is so freakin 1940 Normal Rockwell. Get with the times, we need a program that encourages Gay men to spend time with vulnerable and impressionable boys
3) Drop the "preside" language about marriage. Focus on co-equal partnerships, especially that co-equal part about me telling you what to do and you doing it while I watch Oprah
4) Make priesthood ordinations optional and/or given as a young person desires it--sort of like a patriarchal blessing. Allow both girls and boys the same opportunities for ordination, and also make child-bearing optional for males, because this one woman-one womb thing is a load of bull, it is time for you lazy men to start bearing some of your own children
5) Let women learn their husbands' new names at the temple veil, even though that whole temple thing will be abolished when we take over the Church, we demand equality now just before we dismantle it all and recreate it in our own wymnly imyge.
6) Allow same-sex couples to be sealed in the temple, even when local laws don't allow legal marriage, because we have to beat San Francisco and Boston to the punch and prove we are more progressive than anyone else on the planet, oh, and introduce some new movies into the ceremony with Adam and Steve and Adelle and Eve, just to make Homosexuals more comfortable
7) Let women plan and speak at their own RS Conferences w/no men involved, because even though we now demand to be totally involved in everything the Priesthood does, you had better be sure we will exclude you from our meetings from now on to make up for all the years of abuse
8) Allow women to preside over official meetings, such as sacrament meeting, the name of which will now be changed to Communal Good Feelings Total Acceptance Meetings, since the Sacrament is an ancient form of patriarchal ritual instituted by a man and only given to men deemed worthy with no womyn present
9) Make all callings totally voluntary, self-serving and entirely self-promotional, so we can take complete control of everything, now. And then exclude everyone who doesn't agree with us. Now.

One of Z's D's is hating Mormons, because, unlike her, they are bitter, angry, unforgiving people who find fault with others, harbor grudges, hang on to lingering resentment and generally fail to live that Christian principle of forgiving one another, moving on with life, and trying to make the world a better place to live. And, rightly so, since Mormons are all a completely homogeneous group of clones who act and think alike (naturally, with the exception of this particular Z's D) and are so intrinsically flawed, they are the literal spawn of Satan who's individual acts invalidate the authority of God and make His Truths a lie.


Fortunately, this Z's D has brought this truth to light for the Bloggernacle, which stinks, because it is a pile of Mormons.

While BCC embraces new technology, T&S decides to wallow in the 20th Century, making all sorts of lame excuses why change is bad.

We all know what it really boils down to: none of the T&S permabores know how to record their voices and create mp3 files (come on, while they blog, it is obvious there isn't a computer savvy one among them, with arJ exploiting their default passwords to pillage their blog for over a week and finally outing himself and telling them what they need to do to batten down the hatches?). That, and they all fear what they would sound like in real life, since any attempt to actually talk to each other would quickly degenerate into the same sorts of petty squabbles that constantly permeate their back channel e-mail correspondence.

Reading between the lines, the title "I Hate Podcasts" really means "I Hate [that BCC] Podcasts [, it makes us look just that much old and tired]"

...which would explain all those pre-Columbian carvings and paintings featuring dinosaurs with carts.

The 'Nacle Guy Council would like to remind the Brethren of the upcoming Men's Conference to be broadcast tonight on CBS Television stations nationwide beginning at 6:30 PM Eastern.

While participation is not mandatory and thus "opting out" will not result in immediate Guy Card revocation, complete avoidance of the Men's Conference can result in a point deduction from said Guy Card.

Those with revoked Guy Cards are obviously exempted from the Men's Conference.

Sincerely,

'Nacle Guy Council

You know, there is nothing like a series of self-referential nominations to show us all what you are really all about.

Ah, sweet, sweet narcissism. How do I love me? Let thee count the ways.

Being a man feminist is all vogue these days in the Bloggernacle. First it starts out with JohnR at FMH, then J.Stapley has to go and try to legitimize it. Natch, Kaimi has to trot out his feminist street cred, since he has been one for so long and all these johnny-come-latelys are usurping his femimasculinity. But, in the process of doing so, Kaimi hits a triple by brown nosing both his Bishop & Stake President and bragging on himself for teaching EQ for years now, in different wards. Well played, Kaimster. Won't be long before you are promoted into the HQ Presidency, or even Counsellor in the Bishopbric. Work it, baby.

Beavis: Huh, huh, you said "come", huh, huh.

Butthead:Feminist Mormon Housewives? That reminds me of that Aerosmith video at the end where Steven Tyler is leaving all those hot housewives in lingerie. Housewives. Yeah. Huh, huh. Hot.

Oh, so very, very funny. In a guest post apparently written by the Deacon's Quorum, the gals at FMH troll new depths of puerile stupidity and call it "funny", "hysterical" and "hilarious". Hills=boobs. Get it? Haw haw. That was such a knee-slapper I bruised my thigh. How firm a foundation. Get it? Firm? I guess they are talking about their control top panties, girdles and padded bras.

Every time fMhLisa posts this rubbish we sit and wonder, "Could it get any worse?" And it does. Which, in and of itself, is stunning. But, aside from it being amazingly and astoundingly (fMhBeavis: huh, huh, you said "ass") bad, it just begs the question: How is this a "feminist" blog? Just because it is run by women? But if they act like teenage boys (always talking about porn, wanking, poop and smut) at what point is their self-applied moniker of "feminist" impeached by their own lack of feminism?

JetExhaustBoy, named for all the hot air he produces, has decided the Bloggernacle has jumped the shark. How novel. Naturally, people with heavy investments in the Nacle have come to the defense. Most notable is Steve "I may be a lawyer, but I am so very not like those other lawyers on the Nacle" Evans, who atually goes out of his way to back up the dumptruck of love on HottAirBoy and unload. In the process of slapping him down, Evans works in a couple of underhanded cheap shot at the Blog of the Living Dead, which is always welcome.

But, more importantly, it raises the real question: What is/are/were, some of the highest points in the Bloggernacle history? Nominations anyone? Kaimi and Greenwood not blogging anymore is pretty awesome, but those are negative examples. What are some of the high moments? Since it looks like the Niblets aren't coming back, what do all of you think are the peaks in this trough of swill?

Its not surprising that you find Big Egos in the 'Nacle. Some 'Nacleites believe the world revolves around their commentary and their words are read at the highest levels of 50 E. North Temple in Salt Lake City.

Then there are those who are sure every knock at the door and ring of the telephone is an LDS Jack Bauer coming to take them down for their forays into the wonderful world of blogging.

Well, in yet another splendid example of musical parody, we've come up with a new theme song for the 'Nacle's Tin Foil Hat Brigade. So, sing along to the Rockwell tune of "Somebody's Watching Me":

I run a boring blog, I live a boring life
I blog the whole day through, hey pal, I pay the price.
All I want is to rant in peace, vent my average spleen
But why do I always feel
Like I’m in the Foyer Scene? And…

[chorus]
I always feel like somebody’s monitoring me
Working for Mitt Romney, whoa-oa-oa
I always feel like somebody’s watching me
Tell me, is it just fantasy?

When I come blog at night
I close the firewall real tight
People comment especially those I’m trying to avoid
Do the people at Church HQ read me, or am I just paranoid?
(author’s note – linked to “Whistleblower” comment #17637. Snarking would be so much easier if the FMH links worked properly)
When I surf the ‘Nacle, I’m afraid to let down my hair
Cause I might open my eyes and find Mulling & Musing commenting there!
People say I’m paranoid, just a little touch
But maybe the Church CIO’s blog has got me spooked too much.

Who's monitoring me?
I don't know anymore!
Is Mitt Romney watching me?
Who's watching?
Are the Snarkers watching me?
Who’s watching?
Are the ‘Nacle Admins watching me?
Tell me who's watching?
And I don't feel intellectually free anymore, oh what a mess!
I wonder who's watching me now?
Who, the CES?!
[Chorus to end]

In a free association word game, nothing comes to mind faster in response to "gourmet" than "Mormon Ward Potluck". Totally the best food ever. I know my first introduction to bacon-wrapped, fillet mignon cooked over an apple wood barbecue was at an YM/YW Super Saturday. And, who could forget those hand-dipped Belgian chocolate covered strawberries drizzled with raspberry coulis made by every visiting teacher? Certainly not me. Love them. And don't even get me started on that fresh Washington Salmon stuffed with King crab and Maine lobster cooked on a cedar plank they serve every year at the Ward Holiday Party. Drooluscious.

And, fairly so, Lady Justice has finally intervened and had Saveur Magazine focus it's Epicurian spotlight on the One True Dessert which heralds the educated LDS palette: Green Jell-O Salad. Its about fetchin time.

Click the images above for full size scans suitable for printing and inserting into your cook book. Like you don't already have a Jell-O salad recipe, but, hey, you could always use another one!

Scanned from pages 97-98 of issue 99 of Saveur Magazine, which is probably copyrighted. This particular issue is a special edition, so it has no date on it. It lists the 100 favorite foods, restaurants, drinks, people, places and things of the magazine staff. No, the Green Jell-O Salad is not one of the 100. The whole thing is terribly ironic as the magazine is horribly snooty and pretentious, featuring preposterously haute cuisine, and somehow Jell-O salad and funeral potatoes got in there.

Dehlin's MoSto isn't listed on the MoArch anymore, so John decided to recreate the wheel in his own image.

You know, that is what the Bloggernacle really needs: another boring aggregator. Like ldsblogs.org, ldsdefect.org, mormon-blogs.com, sustaind.org and planet.kzion.com are not enough. Nope, we need another aggregator, one that differentiates itself by listing BCC as a "Conservative" blog. Or is it "Moderate" blog? Now that is novel. Moderately conservative? Conservatively moderate, I guess.

Sorry, John, what the Bloggernacle really needs is something different. Something that shakes things up. And, no, sorry, labeling BCC as "conservative" and "moderate" doesn't qualify as earth-shattering.

As if DKL's "anonymous permablogger" post on Molesters attending Church at Mormentily wasn't enough to beat the topic into the ground, FMH has posted another anonymously submitted, very similar post on the very same subject. Did Red Hat Dan the Deranged Democrat want to keep passionately appealing to dispassionate discussion on the topic and seed FMH? Did DKL not get enough of the subject already, and submit to FMH to really let things fly? And fly they do, as anti-mormon "Mary" joins the fray. Welcome to FMH, where anti-mormon women are welcome, but manly drill sergeants are not. Maybe Mary submitted anonymously, just so she could throw this zinger in? Who knows? Who cares?

What the Bloggernacle really needs is a big blog to pick up the topic and make it a trifecta. You know, like BCC picks it up reviews all of the relevant Dialogue articles and points out how thoughtful and sensitive they are given the difficulty of the topic, or T&S picks it up and talks about the legalistic implications of the Church's position and attempted actions, or M* picks up the ball from Dan and presents it as a vast horrible conspiracy designed to torment divorced fathers (and to celebrate the trifecta, all of your comments appear three times in the Recent Comments bar). Yes, that is what we need to put this dead horse into a shallow grave, once and for all, for 2007 anyway.

Some people like manly men, but the chicks at FMH sure don't. Nope, they like men who apologize for having a Y in the last pair of their chromosomes and admit it is an intrinsic flaw. So when a manly man, one who is not apologizing for having an outie instead of an innie, stands up and has the nerve to point out that women in general are not suited to armed combat, he is attacked for it. Quimby jumps all over him with the classically brilliant, totally unassailable (among this audience) logic of impugning his wiener. Yup. Naturally, this is a popular tactic, and others immediately join in. The whole thing then devolves into to the prototypical idiotic tirade of irrational misattribution, straw men and vain attempts on the manly man's part to intelligently explain his position while having his position distorted.

Of course, JohnR steps into the vomitorium and takes advantage of the situation to shoehorn in some brown nosing on Quimby, while insulting the manly man, blaming him for all the vomit the gals have spewed up.

He might have had a tough time getting dates in ancient Rome, but on FMH this guy would fit right in. Move over JohnR, you have some competition.

In any other forum discussing some other topic in a similar fashion, someone like Quimby would be quickly assailed as an irrational extremist who's views do not represent the mainstream. But not on FMH, where she is repeatedly praised for her ranting diatribes and irrelevant tangents that play on standard feminist rhetoric. If you ever wanted to see what a frustrated, angry, unhappy woman looks like online, here she is. The saddest thing is the women there at FMH are spurring her on in her miserable, irrational rants that run ad nauseam.

Thanks, I think, to anonymous for pointing out this week's Festival of Contention. Since I am not a masochist, I don't read FMH.

Yeah, Clark at Kulturblorg and Danny at DissnotiveBloggance think they are all down with it, like they are reporting from CES and what not. Yeah, like you guys are chilling with Dvorak and all that.

These two uber nrrds gots nuthin on the Prime Snarker. Yeah, that's right. I gots the connections, friends in all the right places. That is how I got my hands on the Apple Phone yesterday. Yeah, you two losers wait for June. I got the real deal right here, suckas! And I am going to review it like a pro!



Once I plugged this bad boy in, the dial tone was awesome. Clear as a good ol' Ma Bell. Natch, I chose tone over pulse by flippin da switch in back. The buttons have super awesome clicking action, smooth like butter, with a clean click and excellent rebound. The ear piece is functional and stylish. Yeah, I know all you geeks are jealous. Take a bite out of this apple, losers!

Call me John, I gots the goods, but I can share.

GeoffJ, one of the Bloggernacle elite who administers the Mormon Archipelago, has been so concerned about the DAMU storming the gates of the Nacle he has suspended blogs from the MoArch listing. Take the brouhaha over MormonStories.org and a similar flap over Zelophehad's Daughters (sorry, no link, unlike Dehlin, they kept the temporary delisting quiet). Both were suspended because of heavy DAMU commenting activity, and Geoff wanted to kick MormonStories.org off permanently, but the rest of the MoArch Bored of Directors didn't agree with him so they let them back on. But, now that MoSto has been resurrected, guess who is no longer part of the MoArch?

But, lo, and behold! His own blog is now a gathering place for non-mormon Nacle trolls like Aaron, who runs the MormonWiki.org anti-mormon site and Todd, a Baptist preacher who runs a blog that critiques Mormonism based on Nacle content. You see, Geoff has got himself quite the collection of speculating blowhards, which creates the perfect conditions for grazing anti-mormons looking for blatant examples of goofy doctrine to point their fingers at.

According to GeoffJ's own rules of banishment from the MoArch, he had better suspend his own blog to keep the vile hordes from overrunning the pure Zion community of the Bloggernacle. Right? Or do the rules not apply to him?

Dear John R.,

This letter serves to notify you that pursuant to section 5.01a of the Guy Code of Conduct, your guy card has hereby been revoked on the following grounds:

1) that you have parroted feminist dogma ad nauseum on repeated occasions [GCC Sec 12.1-12.6b: "Talk like a guy"],

2) your claim to have worn a feminist t-shirt (albeit blue) while in the public venue [GCC Sec 6.5-6.7: "Dress like a guy", GCC Sec 8.1: "Taboo conversation: Clothing/Hair"].

(BTW, if you ever wear one of these, we'll send in a rapid-response Delta team and take you out.)

This revocation is effective immediately, by unanimous act and motion of the International Guy Card Council. You are welcome to appeal this Council's decision, but bear in mind you would be in direct violation of Sec. 19.5, "Whining".

P.S. Don't feel bad. fmhRich had his card revoked for urinating while seated in a public lavatory, in direct violation of GCC Sec 21.1-3: "Conduct in Public Lavatories", and quite likely GCC Sec 21.4: "Always Kick the Handle".

JohnR, the post-mo pro-feminist evangelist proprieter of mind on fire, has succesfully ingratiated himself with the bloggernacle rock-star fMhLisa (and by "rock star" we understand that he means to say something flattering, but we all know how cool "rock stars" really are, and how...feminist they are...I mean, what is the first thing that comes to mind when you think "gender sensitivity"? ROCK & ROLL!!! Yeah) to score himself a guest stint of brown nosing.

Naturally, JohnR has been hitting all the predictable topics. Yawntastic. He is no doubt going to post on Womyn & Priesthood with scintilating new insight into the subject. Don't forget Polygamy, Patriarchy, Masterbating and the rest of the canned standards. Oh, yeah, throw in some poop stories, just to fit in with the girls there.

Rumor has it, to end his two week stint at FMH, JohnR will voluntarily undergo castration, which would only make literal what has figuratively been the case for some time now. Kaimi will be delivering the antimasculine coup de grâce, given his pro-feminist street cred, to herald his return to blogging, after he finally finishes grading those 55 exam papers, which keep him too busy to post at T&S, but not comment at FMH, ExMonent2 and Z'sD's, because he is a feminist like that.

You know, it isn't bad enough that John Mansfield, who happens to linkback his name to the M0, goes and says this:

This happenned at our building one Sunday morning a few months ago, but with a box of kittens. I don’t know what became of them; maybe the bishop killed them.

on a thread talking about a girl that abandoned her baby at an LDS meeting house, and the result was actually something good happening to the baby. Now, Geoff B goes off and rants about how the recent heavy snow in Colorado proves all these Katrina disaster victims are just a bunch of whiners who need to take responsability for themselves and stop blaming their own lack of preparation on the Federal Government. Nice. Talk about comparing apples and oranges, these guys aren't even in the same grocery store.

Next up from the M0 grace and compassion team: Minutes from Iranian Holocaust Conference, Comments on Why Anna Nicole Smith's Son Really Died, and enlightening insights into Ashley, the pillow Angel, from your ever sensitive hosts who never have a political axe to grind.

Some months ago John Dehlin tried to make a living off blogging and podcasting, only to have it flop in a spectacular fashion (Sorry, no link available, since John deleted the post). John is back to blogging for free again (never really stopped, actually). So, why not resurrect MormonStories.org? Didn't take much prompting to get him going again, now did it? Judging from the responses in the comments, the DAMU are clearly for it. Nah, they wouldn't actually pay to support e-Nehor's hobby, like his predecessor, but they sure are eager to have him do it on his own dime. Hey, John, if at first you don't succeed, then try, try again.

Back in November, Geoff J, head master and hatchet man for the MoArch kicked Rob Osborne and Doug Towers off (go down to the bottom of the page and see the last 4 comments) because he was suspicious of them, on account of the wierd stuff they blog about. Both of them got nearly identical banning announcements from Geoff, at pretty much the same time, suggesting they go and ply their wares at the evil anti-MoArch.

But, hey, look at this: Both Rob Osborne and Doug Towers endorse Geoff J's bloggings. Talk about forgiving spirits! These guys are an example to the entire Bloggernacle.

One has to wonder why Geoff J booted Rob and Doug off the MoArch in the first place, since they all agree. Maybe Geoff doesn't want the competition? Is he jealous of their blogskylz? No doubt Rob and Doug will be adding NCT to their own blog's list of links. The only question is: Will Geoff J be as forgiving and link them back? Show them some luv, dude!

Chorus:
Last Christmas, I showed you my blog,
But the very next day, you snarked it away...
This year, to save me from tears,
I've hidden it someplace special [special!]...

Once snarked and twice shy!
I keep my distance and don't read SN (I lie!)
Tell me baby, do you track my IP?
Well others do, so it doesn't surprise me!

(Happy Christmas!) I fixed up a new template
With an email saying "Stay away" I meant it
Now I know what a fool I've been!
But if you snarked me now, I know you'd show me again!

[chorus]

A crowded 'nacle, readers with tired eyes
I'm offended by you and your blog of ice
Here I thought I'd find kindred spirits to rely on
Fetch! Look how many times I have been snarked on!

No face on the bloggers with no love in their hearts.
Those snarks undercover, and they tore me apart!!
Oooh Oooh !
Now I've got a new blog, you'll never snark me again.

Last Christmas, I showed you my blog,
But the very next day, you snarked it away [you snarked it away]...
This year, to save me from tears,
I've hidden it someplace special [special!]...

Oh, sweet, that old viral e-mail that used to get forwarded around ad nauseum between people you barely even know and now definitely don't want to get to know any better is now being spread around the Bloggernacle. I would implore the Bloggernacle to stop it, but since it is little more than a vanity project, asking them to stop talking about themselves is pointless. No doubt every blogger in the Nacle is hotly anticipating being tagged so they can talk about themselves.

And why should I be any different? I Snarkimus Prime tag myself, and reveal the truth you cannot handle:

1) I secretly love Times and Seasons. Get used to it. Late into the night, I lose cycle down time, adoringly combing through the archives for every succulent morsel of wisdom that falls from the tables of these preeminently brilliant geniuses. I have even read some of the posts twice, in one night, because they are just that good.

2) When I was a little autobot who could only transform into a Ford Ranger, I wanted to grow up to transform into a Piper Cub. All the kids teased me. I take it out on the Decepticons to this day. Because I can. Help me.

3) Diesel tastes so much better than Energon. The new Ultra Low Sulfur diesel isn't as good as the old stuff, but it is has a nice delicate flavor with no aftertaste, and is still better than Energon. And I really couldn't care less about carbon emissions or global warming either, so pass the Diesel and give the Energon to Starscream, just to shut him up for once. I mean, it is your planet, not mine.

4) On the weekends, I front for my boyz, bustin fresh beats to all mah bootiful peeps. The wackessest rhymes since Big Bang t=0, bustin Megatron like the little girl he is sho.

5) I have nightmares about...please don't make fun of me...I am very sensitive about this...all my chrome...rusting.

And for my three, I tag T&S, BCC and FMH, because we just don't hear enough about them around here.

Dear N.O.,

We fully agree with your idea of making donations instead of giving presents. Therefore, please accept the following along with our warmest wishes for the season.


Happy Festivus!

Love,
Team SN

1) Cinemasochist, Badderest NC-17 Films I Grew to Like Over Time
2) The best Duran Duran song...EVAR!!11!1...oh noes!!!!!
3) Shark Jumping Background Music for your Television Viewing Pleasure
4) Top 5 Online Timekillers, Revisisted, Again, Part 3.2.a.ii
5) How Cool and Hip I am to be So D*mn Trendy and yet Mormon, kinda like Brandon Flowers and Arthur Kane

Runners up:
- Look at this YouTube vid, so teh funnay, lols!
- I heart Morrissey, if you don't then go away and dont come back
- Stop Nagging Me Steve or I WILL TOO Post Another Arbitrary Top 5 List
- Alternative acronyms for WTF
- I do too think Superman Returns is a great movie, even though it really isn't that great, and more or less is a piece of shizzle
- I interviewed a famous real for sure actual director of a real movie because he thought I was a real journalist, and hardly anyone commented
- As a male, I'm not embarrassed to publicly proclaim that I'm a huge fan of the Gilmore Girls, because I am that secure, oh, yes, I am
- Of the Bloggernacle, but not in the Bloggernacle, u r banned so hard for typing the "M" word
- Can I comment if I am not Mormon? What if I am Mormon and have a current Temple Recommend?

No, no, NO. You guys have it ALL wrong.

Here is the list of the top-ten most influential Mormons, the way any sane, red-blooded American would see it:

1) Donny Osmond (Duh!)

2) J.W. Marriott (Duh!) (A&W Root Beer, AND hotels complete with Books of Mormon -- all from one man!)

3) Kevin Rollins (CEO of Dell--What would church record keeping be like without Dell computers? Huh? HUH?!)

4) Jon Huntsman, Sr. (because he's loaded)

5) Harry Reid (because he has the nicest office on Capitol Hill)

6) Larry H. Miller (what other Mormon owns a pro basketball team? Need I say more??)

7) That guy from Napoleon Dynamite

8) Steve Young (because anytime someone talks about famous Mormons, he's mentioned)

9) Whoever designed the San Diego Temple (because it looks cool and people talk about it)

10) Mitt Romney (love the hair, what else can I say?)

I rest my case.