Kaimi does a great job of singing backup for T&S tempoBore Rusty, as they discuss their international mistresses.

"Don't cry for me, Guatemala... The truth is, I never left you..."

Kaimi, we're sure you have a large stash of Guatemalan trinkets and mementos somewhere in your house. Just curious, did either of you guys bring home a tapeworm or other parasite?

GeoffJ thinks Steven Covey's secularized version of the Gospel is cool. But, we here at the Nacle find the Covey-Franklin Secret Combination irritating to no end. Not because the products or concepts are bad, but because they are intuitively obvious to anyone who is highly effective. Only people who aren't highly effective use them and still remain largely ineffective anyway, even after spending a couple of hundred dollars on books, planners and audio tapes. Lame. Futile.

Here are our Seven Habits of Highly Defective people (reinterpreted for Machiavellians):

Habit 1: Be Proactive, take what you want when you want it and do not tolerate any delays in gratifying yourself.

Habit 2: Begin with the End in Mind, know what you want and mow down any opposition mercilessly on you way to accomplishing your goals.

Habit 3: Put First Things First, you are number one and you should always put yourself first!

Habit 4: Think Win-Win, no matter what happens you have to figure out how to exploit the situation so you win, even if you lose, you have to figure out how you can personally benefit from the situation.

Habit 5: Seek First to Understand and Then to be Understood, nothing facilitates manipulating hapless fools like determining what their petty desires are and then using them to accomplish your larger goals.

Habit 6: Synergize, use other people to accomplish your goals, why get your hands dirty when others are willing to dirty themselves for you?

Habit 7: Sharpen the Saw, invest in your own skills at manipulating others and determining long-range goals, so you can do it more efficiently.

And, never forget, use the Commitment Pattern in all aspects of your life to get what you want.

Naiah is a self-styled feminist who thinks polygamy could be a good thing as long as its done right. She says:

A loving, healthy household of sister-wives functioning together in life...cooperating, supporting each other, sharing life’s joys and struggles as sisters should sounds like a fantastic, stable, and empowering way to live.

But, Naiah, you would be wife #1, and that means in the house you would be the Matriarch, and you would be one calling the shots on which wives do what and all that. Hmmmmm. Sounds like Mrs. Earhardt#1 will be doing the cooking and #2 will be doing the cleaning. Who does the homeschooling? Naiah, if she likes it and #2 if she doesn't. And if #2 doesn't like it that way, will there be some Sarah-Hagar beatdowns handed out? Sure, if everything goes the way its supposed to, just like in a story book, then its all white picket fences, roses and smiling happy kiddies all the time. But, reality isn't like that. Reality is Leah and Rachel being jealous of each other.

Oh, oh, wait a minute. Naiah isn't talking about plural marriage, she is talking about beer. Now it all makes sense! She wants the Relief Society to get together in bonds of sisterhood by having weekly happy hours. That's how they are cooperating, supporting each other, sharing life’s joys and struggles, at RS happy hour. Cutting loose and tossing a few back. Phew. Wow, I was confused there for a second. I mean, polygiofeminist? Huh? Whuh?

P.S., Naiah, hun, you don't have to respond to every single comment in the thread. You are allowed to make generalized statements that address broad topics and sort out only the specific details that are worthy of direct notice.

Dear Snarky,

My wife is upset and I don't know why. I've tried to get on board with the whole feminist fad. I let her get a job and I don't have any problems with her making more money than I do. But now she is pregnant and is talking about going part time. I said that was fine and decided I would go part time too. When I told her she just flipped out and now I'm confused. Does she want us to be equals or not?

Tearful in Teaneck

Tearful Laddy,

Sure, she wants to be "equal", but equal in what way? Equal means different things to different people. I mean, she doesn't want to mathematically equal, she doesn't want to be identically equal, she doesn't want complete parity. What she really wants is to be able to do whatever she wants and not have any of her choices limited. If she wants to dress like a man and act like a man, she has to be allowed to do that, but also be allowed to dress like a woman too. Come now, Tearful, you don't really want to dress like a woman and wear makeup, right? No, of course not. So it isn't a matter of complete equity across the boards, its a matter of letting the woman do whatever she wants. If she wants to be as crass, rude, obnoxious and selfish as a man, then she is entitled to according to postmodern feminist theory.



And, remember, the woman always gets what she wants if the man is to get what he wants. Its all about quid pro quo, Tearful.

Aunt Snarky

P.S., Here is an old VS ad that wouldn't make it into print today. Things sure have changed.

DKL is a conspiratorialist. Whooda thought it? He seemed to me more like the type to read obscure books about Kafka than hatch wacky plots about people out to get him, especially when it comes to throwing us Snarkers into the pot. Anyway, enough philosophizing, on to the snarking. The current rankings have been updated over on LDSdefect, the "u configr it" link page by MoronMentality. But, if you click on that link now, its missing a little something that was there on Sunday, as follows:

Moreover, some of the data might be considered evidence of collusion among registered users to bias the results. For example, the MA blogs and the Snarkernackle all had exactly the same number of placements in the "Blogs One" category. I haven't ventured to pry into the data further to discover who placed it where (nor will I), and I offer no hypothesis. Even so, it is an interesting coincidence. Fortunately, there are enough results to somewhat dilute such efforts."

So, um, Dastardly Dave, did you pry into the data further and discover an error in your script that tabulates values, or something like that, and discover this "interesting coincidence" was in fact a load of rubbish? DD, come on, like anyone in the Moarch gives a toot about you and your silly notions of grandeur. Yep, you caught us DD, we here at the Snarkernacle were actively recruiting Indian and Chinese college students (whom we paid in EverQuest gold pieces) to promote us and the Moarch all into box 1 because LDSdefect is such a terrible threat to us that we have nothing better to do than conspire against you and scheme and plot to overthow your brilliant efforts which threaten our very existence. But, alas, the thousands of mercenary college students we hired couldn't swamp the dozens of registered users, and our efforts at resurrecting the Gadianton Robbers has failed...sniff...sniff...wah!

We cannot speak for the Moarch, but there is no doubt in our minds here that if the SN were ever promoted to box 1 by the Nacle community you would not put us there, so like we ever even bother trying, or anyone else for that matter. (But, hey, maybe we shouldn't be so hard on old DLK/MPJ since he did even kick his own wunderkind Blather of Heathens to the curb when it got demoted instead of elevating it to box 1--maybe he isn't that vain after all).

Ugh, its always ugly to see a huge mess where people get all bent out of shape over things that nobody can really do anything about. Case and point, some poor sister has had a bad experience at the Temple, and a bunch of people jump all over the place flailingly madly trying to figure out what to do and how to fix it and debate whether such things should even be discussed publicly. Sadly, it isn't until the whole mess is pretty much over with that FMHLisa steps in a bares her soul on why she put it up in the first place. Lisa, please, next time, post that right in there in up front as an editorial comment. That kind of statement from the start does a lot to help avoid the kind of sticky mess that just transpired.

Hey, at least Julie in Austin only posted once, like she said she would, and Ben S. didn't post a link to his Temple page, and we also learned that while Aaron B. Cox dresses in black Mrs. ABC dresses in white, so I guess it really wasn't all that bad after all, right? Ah, well, another day in the life...

Geoff has stirred up a hornets nest by posting a letter to the editor over on M0. It seems one Kevin of Orlando wants metal sacrament trays, and his bishop has said Kevin can pursue the matter (translation: the bishop obviously has real things to worry about).

Chad Too rains on the parade by suggesting that we shouldn't focus on the sacrament trays.

He's right! Everyone knows the next Nacle discussion will center on the true issue at hand, "Sacrament cups: paper or plastic?"

C'mon, we all know the paper ones get all squishy and make the water taste funny. Plus, kids are forever squeezing them before all the water is gone making water squirt in various directions.

So, while Kevin pursues his "tray fetish", the rest of us can worry about the more important things, like the material of the cup. Perhaps a T&S Sacrament Cup Review Committee could further investigate the matter with their typical long-winded posts that no one reads anyway.

Maybe the committee will suggest a bifurcated tray with both types of cups. Then, at each row, the deacons could ask, "Paper or plastic?"



The crunchy Mormons will obviously choose the eco-friendly paper cups, while the Republicans will choose the indestructible plastic, and those who like water that doesn't taste like a it was filtered through loose pocket change will follow suit. Of course, some people won't even notice one way or the other.

Tracy M. over at Dandelion Mama's Musings posts on the Birds and the Bees. Seems the Birds and Bees are making the rounds of the 'Naccle lately.

I don't think I know Tracy. I doubt Tracy knows me. One never knows, Secret Identities being what they are. That said, I hope she gets some helpful comments on her post and manages to avoid (or just plain delete) the TMI commentary which has accompanied the latest FMH "Lets talk about sex" post.

329 comments and counting - as of this writing. It started out innocent enough, then quickly degenerated into commentary filled with details about places, times, positions, and (dare I say) unsubstantiated braggings.

In short, it went from TMI to TMFI (Too Much Friggin' Information - for those of you who would dare to question my acronym). FMHer Not Ophelia (comment #274) chimed in with an interesting piece of history. My guess is the "huge, expensive machines sold only to doctor’s offices (and came with names like The Chattanooga)" were the early versions of washing machines with a powerful spin cycle.

Why is this woman smiling?
Not satisfied with that level, Steve EM peppers the commentary with his attempts to single handedly (comment #307) re-write church doctrine/policy to fit his own perceptions. He (though in close competition with a few Anon posters) takes the thread from TMFI to WTMFI (Way Too Much Friggin' Information).

So, good luck Tracy. I hope you post fares better than the FMH attempt.

Aaron B. Cox knows his colors, and do not doubt that this Spring the color is Black. Yes, black is the new white. This Spring's lineup will include skepticism tinged with existentialist doubt, entirely lacking any gray, because gray is straight out this season! Look at this stunner to the left, no gray there, girls! Yes, Aaron is freeing you from those wishy-washy in-between shades of gray that clutter the religio-spiritual mind, doing some Spring cleaning and clearing out the cobwebs of confusion! Sure, you're culturally Mormon, but your'e also a secular scientist, smarter than all those uneducated believing dim-witted peasants. Leave no doubt about it when you show them your true colors! Put that one foot forward into the world in a dress that shows them where you are coming from.

Never fear boys! Aaron has been designing for you too! Here he is modeling his newly redesigned Spinozist Secularized ensemble, entirely in black, naturally. It makes a wonderful contrast to your whites when you head off to Ward Temple Night!

Make the scene in these incredible new threads, designed by none other than Mr. Rocket Science himself, Aaron B. Cox! Lets give him a nice round of applause folks, and bring him out on the run way one last time this evening!

J.Stapley is apparently catering to Steve EM in his most recent post at BCC. Steve EM, being primed over on the endless FMH sex talk thread will no doubt transition easily to this one, having been recently un-banned there at BCC.

Can someone do us all a favor and just backlink Steve EM's comments from the FMH thread and provide a brief synopsis (e.g., "I was wronged by Bishops who told me to stop wanking to porn and sleeping around") so we don't have to wade through all of it again? I mean, really, come on.

Oh, wait a minute, I get it. Steve EM was unbanned at BCC, and this is just a ruse to ban him again. Stapley is setting him up for permanent eternal banning. Alright, now it makes sense. OK, the Nacle can resume normal activity and go about its business.

Enter RUSTETH and DONQUO

RUSTETH
So foul and fair a day I have not seen.

DONQUO
How far is't call'd to Forres? What are these
So wither'd and so wild in their attire,
That look not like the inhabitants o' the earth,
And yet are on't? Live you? or are you aught
That man may question? You seem to understand me,
By each at once his chappy finger laying
Upon his skinny lips: you should be bishops,
And yet your beards forbid me to interpret
That you are so.

RUSTETH
Speak, if you can: what are you?

First Counselor
All hail, RUSTETH! hail to thee, blogger of Nine Moons!

Second Counselor
All hail, RUSTETH, hail to thee, blogger of T&S!

Stake Patriarch
All hail, RUSTETH, thou shalt be archipelagiarch hereafter!

DONQUO
Good sir, why do you start; and seem to fear
Things that do sound so fair? I' the name of truth,
Are ye fantastical, or that indeed
Which outwardly ye show? My noble partner
You greet with present grace and great prediction
Of noble having and of royal hope,
That he seems rapt withal: to me you speak not.
If you can look into the seeds of time,
And say which grain will grow and which will not,
Speak then to me, who neither beg nor fear
Your favours nor your hate.

First Counselor
Hail!

Second Counselor
Hail!

Stake Patriarch
Hail!

First Counselor
Lesser than RUSTETH, and greater.

Second Counselor
Not so happy, yet much happier.

Stake Patriarch
Thou shalt get archipelagiarchs, though thou be none:
So all hail, RUSTETH and DONQUO!

First Counselor
DONQUO and RUSTETH, all hail!

RUSTETH
Stay, you imperfect speakers, tell me more:
By Sinel's death I know I am blogger of Nine Moons;
But how of T&S? the blogger of T&S lives,
A prosperous gentleman; and to be archipelagiarch
Stands not within the prospect of belief,
No more than to be T&S. Say from whence
You owe this strange intelligence? or why
Upon this blasted heath you stop our way
With such prophetic greeting? Speak, I charge you.

Patriarch and Counselors vanish

DONQUO
The earth hath bubbles, as the water has,
And these are of them. Whither are they vanish'd?

RUSTETH
Into the air; and what seem'd corporal melted
As breath into the wind. Would they had stay'd!

DONQUO
Were such things here as we do speak about?
Or have we eaten on the insane root
That takes the reason prisoner?

RUSTETH
Your children shall be archipelagiarchs.

DONQUO
You shall be archipelagiarch.

RUSTETH
And blogger of T&S too: went it not so?

DONQUO
To the selfsame tune and words.

Kaimi was a metrosexual if there ever was one. How many guys can simultaneously flirt with Rusty and pontificate on the virtues of bewbies? But, that is apparently all over and done with, because the Nacle has been shown a new and improved Kaimi. Kaimi Mark Two. The uber sensitive Kaimi, who is worried about his memories falling like tears in the rain, being swept away by time. Apparently influenced by Wilfried's touching prose, or perhaps under his tutelage, Kaimi is recasting his metro self as a genteel and urbane scholar, who lovingly embraces seeming contradictions as kooky metaphors for seeming discrepancies and stale crumbs of current events in anachronistic incompatible scriptural contexts while confessing his secret envy over beautiful moments of song hid amongst the unsingable, instead of urban hipster.

Well, good luck with that Kaimi. Word of advice: If you open your mind too much, your brains will fall out and make a mess someone else will have to clean up.

While we here at SN Industries LTD. will mourn the passing of your missives about sexual theology, we eagerly anticipate the impending tidal wave of pontifical prose about to issue forth from your newly minted persona. The Kaimi is dead! Long live the Kaimi!

KathleenP of Dialogue posts to BCC that animal rights activists are easily dismissed with a joke and vegetarians are boring. OK, then Mormons should fit right in there without much effort. How exciting is meatloaf, tuna casserole, jello salad and funeral potatoes? Green bean casserole? Ugh! Some Pasta with Pesto and a Ratatouille might be a welcomed change for these midwesterners who think barbecue sauce is one of the major food groups.

Interestingly, Kathleen reinterprets the "eat meat sparingly" thing to mean Mormons ought to spare more animal's lives in their meat consumption. So, eating one big steer is better than a bunch of chickens because you get more pounds of meat per spirit sent on to the next world. OK, sounds good to me, and following that line of thinking we'll be having African Elephant burgers for lunch and Blue Whale steaks for dinner at the Ward Potluck. Let them chickens run free!

Bengal tigers everywhere agree: vegetarians taste better.

I like my Indians with a dash of curry!

Linda H, over at Exponent II (what happened to Exponent Mark I?) hates Mormon kitsch, but makes an exception for one singing and dancing Kung Fu hamster decked out to look like a missionary.

Apparently, someone has bought a bunch of these Kung Fu Fighter Hamsters and retrofitted them to replace the nunchuka with a Book of Mormon and the dojo robe with a blue suit. OK, that makes no sense to me, I mean, is the Kung Fu Fighter theme supposed to be like a missionary Bible-bashing Born Agains? I dunno.

The whole thing seems ludicrous, until you realize the potential implications of Hamster Style Kung Fu and the Mormon Missionary turned Adult entertainer movie Orgazmo put out by the South Park duo. Freakish coincidence or obscure cultural reference?

DKL is no longer banned at T&S. Yep, David, who used to formerly beat his chest about being banned at T&S, is no longer banned, and even using his standard handle, not a pseudonym (e.g., Arturo Toscanini, Miranda Park-Jones). All this after T&S plugs LDSdefect, which LDSdefect places T&S in the "first box", as opposed to its present "third box" status on MA. Can you say "Quid Pro Quo"? No matter how much/often/hard Kaimi & DKL deny it, it just smacks of secret combinations. And, the more they deny it, the more I am convinced the conspiracy is real. I want to believe.

I don't know about you, but everything I learned about DNA was from the Clinton-Lewinsky scandal. All this Nacle banter about something or other about Lamanites and DNA and all that, is it just a slow blogging season and they cannot think of anything else to write about? I mean, didn't most (>90%) of the native Americans die after being exposed to European diseases and hospitality like hundreds of years ago? And since then, hasn't there been a pretty heavy mixing of DNA going on? Uhhhmm. And what about any mixing of DNA before that time? Hmmmm. With various archeologists arguing there were Vikings and Chinese running around North America before Columbus ever stepped foot on the shores of the New World. Huh. I dunno. And I don't think anyone else really does either.

But, I guess we shouldn't complain, right? At least its something different than the same old dead horses getting beaten again.

Silus gives us a peek into his personal romantic life, which leads us to believe he is the only gay blogger with any romance in him.

Aaron B. Cox revisits an old favorite topic in an effort to squelch GeoffJ's obvious mastery of the ancient art of wild-eyed speculation. It is clear GeoffJ is the Nacle's preeminent Spec Fu grandmaster ninja of Journal of Discourses-grade crazy talk, and Aaron is just the grasshoppa who envies the masters skills, grace and prolific wisdom. In wandering into the ring to test his Spec Fu skills, Aaron gets his trash whooped, so he maligns the grandmaster and runs out of the ring saying its all a load of rot. Yep. Not unlike one-size-fits-all psychological profiles of bloggers, government welfare programs being evil, obscure veil symbolism, politically poisoned fruit, and so on and so on.

Julie M. Smith from Austin doesn't know what the Joseph Smith Translation is, but she certainly knows what it isn't! Its not what YOU think it is, because you are wrong! And, Julie will tell you why. On continues the saga of this T&S permabore's crusade against all things mundane and ordinary as she reinterprets the Bible to mean exactly the opposite of what it is saying. Topics in upcoming weeks will be:

"Adam Fell, But Eve Rose to the Occasion"

"Cain & Abel:It was Involuntary Manslaughter"

"Noah's Ark is All Wet"

"Hagar, Mother and Matriarch of Israel"

"Lot's Four Daughters:Sadly Misunderstood Daughters of Virtue"

What else?

A few weeks ago Kim Seiver asked people to tell him what they thought of him so he could re-create his online self. Hey, it looks like Kim and Mary found their calling as the heralds of all things Canadian and Olympic, filling the Nacle with every Canadian medal win and even when Canadian expats win medals for Australia. Owing to the huge number of Canadians in the Nacle, the blogging is eagerly lapped up by all the ... Americans, who complain about it rather vocally. And, so, they delete all of the Olympic stuff, and return to being "Our Thoughts (with the exception of Canadian Olympic Medals)". Looks like Kim needs to keep looking for that new online persona.

Flandrich Nedtzsche
Everyone active in the church knows the real reason people go inactive from the church is because of some sin, right? Well, Nedward reveals his: Gambling. Only its not gambling with money, its a kind of nihilistic gambling, where a lifetime becomes your "eternity" and an afterlife of annihilation is the bitter aftertaste of a lifetime spent worrying about something that doesn't exist.

We here at SN Industries LTD. had no idea Ned was into Dashboard Confessional and Taking Back Sunday, but he apparently is. Come on Ned, stop listening to that emo crap. Drop kick Pyrrhonism, and get all postpositivist on us, pop with some Popper and slap some Brazillian Bossa Nova in the tape deck, will you?

Steve EM was either home sick or was undertasked at work yesterday, because he was all over the Nacle and in rare form.

He was so rude and offensive on the FMH dirty talk thread that he actually got some comments deleted, which on that thread was no mean feat. He attacked "Jew haters" while almost simultaneously expressing his own hatred for all things English. And, returning to his standard frat boy antics, promptly accused all non-native people living in New York as suffering from Freud's phallic funk, despite the tunnels in question being clearly non-phallic in nature. Despite all of the ranting, surprisingly enough, he did not manage to work in a disparaging comment about Boyd K. Packer, Steve Evans or Aaron Brown. Which, really, is a reason to rejoice in an of itself. And, so, Steve EM, we wish you a speedy recovery or return of busy days at work.

But, really, its all just a big misunderstanding, because the real problem is we don't get the tone he is using. Steve really is trying to be a sensitive, heartfelt, tender and compassionate guy. We all are just reading him wrong.

Given all of the unflappable arrogance floating around the Nacle, its nice to see people wrestle their personal demons in an effort to come to grips with what ails them. In an effort to do so, Christian Cardall has started up a 12 Step Program for the Bloggernacle. People can come up and publicly identify the flaws propelling their blogging, but they are not allowed to identify them in others, unless the other explicitly remains in denial.

Snarker: "Hi, my name is Snarker, and I am a Bloggernacleholic."

Nacle: "Hi Snarker."

Question: Is it safe to assume anyone who doesn't step up to the BA podium to confess their sins is entrenched in denial? Or, have they just not read the post and therefore not had the opportunity to do so? Hrrrmmmmm.

OK all you Nacle Bloggers, you no longer have an excuse! Even you T&S permabores! HA! We know you all read the Snarker, so get over to the BA podium and fess up, or be branded "Deep In Denial" until you do.

This is the second installment of "how a mission helped me meet my mate". This installment involves unlocking your heart after the mission, but exploiting the social contacts you developed whilst under the lock and key of missionary service.

Rusty chimes in with some great advice for single returned missionaries. Just call up your old companions, and when you get together with them, (A) hope they bring their hot siblings*, or (B) check out family pictures and identify the hot siblings. And the benefit is, if you got along with this comp in the field, you'll have a built in in-law that you'll always like! Unless he harbors bitterness and resentment over you scamming on his sister, which apparently wasn't a problem for Rusty.

Think about it, this is actually a great motivation to get along with all of your companions. You have no idea what kind of hot siblings they might be hiding back at home--and if you're nice to them, maybe they'll hook you up after the mission. And why stop at siblings? Think of all the cousins of each of your companions... The possibilities are endless! If you don't play nice, if you don't get along with them, they might just hook their hot siblings/relatives up with one of the AP's.

Additional Advice
We here at the Snarkernacle have some additional advice which apparently no one else has mentioned.

For missionaries departing the field: If you find your companion's girlfriend attractive, you may wish to play the old "Hey, I'll call your girlfriend when I get home and tell her you said 'hi'" card (note: read Rusty's post carefully, and you'll see that "saying hi" involves a hammock, though he employed the use of a hammock under the sibling rule detailed above). You may even offer to hand-deliver a letter from said companion, which might end up getting "lost going through customs" or some such event. In that case, being the true friend that you are, you still go greet the girlfriend. Since you lost the letter--silly you--you make it up to her by buying her dinner.



* "siblings" instead of sisters, since Rusty's advice could easily be applied to returned sister missionaries, too.

Wow, that was fast. Nacle girlyblog newcomers landed with a big splash and once the waves settle, they realize treading water while fighting off the sharks is more time consuming than they had initally thought. I guess its back to MMW and TFtC to duke it out for QoE award. Too bad, ZD was pretty edgy. But, that is the way things go, as the candle burned from both ends goes out twice as fast...and insert some other lame analogies here. But, you know what, it is nice to see some people realize that reality is more important than the Nacle, and when the Nacle imposes on reality its time to unplug.


Gossipy Update: Apparently these six women are all literal sisters, and not just six women who are "sisters in the gospel". Gossip around the Nacle is that Kiskilili (the "off the beaten track" sister) was being encouraged by Lynette (the Sunstoner-Liahona sister, who also happens to be the admin) to be out and vocal about her views. The result was a lot of trolling by ex-mos that caused them to spend a lot more time on the blog admining it than initially anticipated. Throw that in with the other 4 sisters (the Iron Rodders) not being of the same questioning nature as K & L and the whole thing gives way. No word as to whether lingering hard feelings over unreturned borrowed sweaters, broken hair dryers or sneeking peeks at diaries came into play in the blogs demise.

Flan-didly-anders tried to do the right thing and send Maude some flowers. But, FTD dropped the ball because the flower warehouse was shut down because of a biohazard (in other words, they ran out of the flowers Ned ordered and that is hazardous to their eco[nomic]system). Ned is confused because he thought they called local florists who fulfilled the order and delivered it. Nope, not the case. Giant refrigerated warehouses are stocked with little boxes of flowers waiting for a FedEx delivery label.

Um, Ned, not to rub salt into the wounds here, but why didn't you just call a local florist out of the yellow pages, you know, that big huge heavy book you get several of dumped on your doorstep every year, the thing that doesnt require electricity and a network connection. I realize its so last century, but it works. People in meatspace still have telephones. Being cartoons we somtimes forget that, but they are still plugged into analog copper lines.

I am sure Maude appreciated it since its the thought that counts. But, Ned, what about Ginger? Did you send her flowers too, or are you still in denial over that?

Lurkers are those people who read without ever or rarely commenting. They hide in the shadows, they remain anonymous, you know they are there, but you cannot reach out to them. Well, not anymore.

Wade over at The Blogger of Jared (get it? Brother of Jared:Blogger of Jared; only none of them are named "Jared") shines the flashlight into the dark corners and hidden recesses of the Nacle to out the lurkers. And, predictably, most of them run away...and keep lurking. Hence the name: Lurkers. Demanding the silent void answer you back is usually an exercise in futility.

But, two or three are caught like a deer in the headlights, and so they hesistantly say they have nothing to say. Well, that is largely the case for everyone else on the Nacle and that sure doesn't stop them. Duh! So, come on lurkers! Join in the fray...I mean...fun...join in the fun and be part of the in crowd! But, mostly, just tell us bloggers what we want to hear, like you think were are cool/funny/hip and you would die without us.

Happy Valentines Day! Or, as Star Trek fans--and most people in the 'Nacle--call it, Tuesday. (exception: the anonymous horn-doggers over on this thread)

And while we're on the subject of anonymous sex threads, and the Rosalynde cold shower of common sense comment on FMH, let's not forget this Rosalynde inspired FMH thread which prompted everyone to discuss ad nauseum the frequency of their marital bliss (oddly, last year Rosalynde was worried people weren't doing it enough). Which, in reality, is akin to talking about sex in a high school locker room... we can assume that ALL reported statistics are PRECISELY representative of reality, right?

And by the way, anonymous male commenters, if anything will turn on your wife, it will be knowledge that you went online soliciting sex advice from strangers, and then went back online to give a report of your wife's experience after the fact.

The depravity, oh, the depravity.

Bruce Inouye takes this Valentine's Day opportunity to publicly confess he failed to heed Spencer W. Kimball's admonitions to "Lock Your Heart", setting the record straight for all Full-time Missionaries out there eager to "Raise the Bar" and "Return with Honor". Good work, Bryce.

The Nacle's Ubër Feminist has spoken: Sex isn’t inherently bad, but it is inherently bad for women. Naturally, she is promptly attacked by...a bunch of men...and then a bunch of women chime in saying she is wrong too, the arguments being based largely on them ignoring what Rosalynde said and what her intent was. Both predictable and ugly. How dare Rosalynde try to inject some intelligent coversation into a indiscreet thread that is the online equivilent of wanking in public. The simple fact that so many commenters choose to remain anonymous should tell you something.

But, the best comment of all is this one, where we are informed:

There is a vast difference in attitudes between women who don’t like sex, for various reasons, and those who do.

Yeah? No kiddin! You mean, women who like sex have different attitudes about sex than women who don't like sex! Whoa! No way! One likes sex and one doesn't, note the difference!

Women who are asexual have a lot of issues.

Another earth-shatteringly profound statement. A lot of issues of...what? Or, is this just a cheap personal attack on any "prude" who would have the nerve to point out that the book referenced and the entire FMH thread is a load of rubbish, designed to make proponents of this lascivious trash feel like they are better adjusted and they don't have "issues"?

What is interesting about asexual women is: over 75% of women who report they have never had an orgasm actual orgasm regularly and just do not connect with their bodies enough to feel it.

How exactly did this 75% number come about? Pull it out of your bum? How did these "researchers" determine that women who report to never having an orgasm actually did have one, they just "do not connect with their bodies enough to feel it"? What in the world does that even mean? The women in question are having out-of-body experiences so often, and it just so happens they are frequently having sex at the time, that when their bodies are experiencing an orgasm their spirits are elsewhere? What rot!

Then the commenter references salacious rubbish put out by some quack and his wife who want to make a buck marketing Extended Massive Orgasms (EMOs). You know, that just isn't enough for me. I want Extreme Overpowering Incapacitating Explosive Debilitating Continent-Shaking Earth-Moving Knock-Satellites-Out-Of-Orbit Rend-Time-And-Spacegasms, (EOIEDCSEMKSOOORTAS) and my illustrated book on just how to do that is for all those not prude, uptight, cloistered and issue-ridden enough to reach for their full potential. Because, you know, 75% of women are capable of having EOIEDCSEMKSOOORTAS, they are just not connected with their bodies enough to know it (Bloggernacle Snarker, The Dog's Butt Dragged Across Your Expensive Oriental Rug, 1997, page 1). But, for only $17.95, my illustrated guide will show you how, and the planet will be destroyed shortly thereafter by all the women rending time and space and splitting the continents. So, hurry, before the world ends.

You know what is really bad for women? Selfish husbands. And that was Rosalynde's point, that insufficient frank talk about sex isn't the problem. And you know what, she is right. More dirty talk isn't going to make selfish husbands less selfish, and it isn't going to make them more caring and compassionate husbands capable of being sensitive to the needs of their wives. Dirty talk doesn't address the cultural morass of emotionally stunted men who's view of sex is largely egocentric.


Oh, and Happy St. Valentine's Day.

So here is the FMH post you have all been worrying was coming, or hoping was coming (depending on your POV), in all its wondrous and hideous glory. Sure to raise more than just a few eyebrows, Artemis, goddess of all things wild and naughty, wants to get down and dirty, and so do a lot of commenters. No viagra necessary on this thread as people speak frankly about all sorts of hedonistic bits and doo dads.


Among adolescent Mormon males, who typically don't read FMH, readership rose gradually and then tumescently grew perpendicular until it plateaued and then gradually fell off.

Jeffrey D. Giliam used to hold the Nacle record for longest post, but not anymore! Julie has ground him beneath her heel as she posts an ever so slightly smaller version of her Master's Thesis. Fortunately for everyone, Julie marks which sections can be safely skipped, but you know what, as I scanned it, I realized I didn't have to read any of it. Yup. So, just like everyone else, wanting to look like I had read the entire thing, I hopped right down to the comments and posted something making it look like I read it. OK, not really, because, quite frankly, I fell asleep at my keyboard while scrolling down, an when I woke up with my face in the keyboard the drool had short circuited it and it was still scrolling down. So, I made dinner, fed the family, cleaned up, and came back after all the kids were in bed, and it was still scrolling down. So, I figured it would be easier to just order a print manuscript of her Master's thesis and read it that way, rather than have to short out several more keyboards in the process.

Rumor around the Nacle has it Giliam will be postponing law school for a year so he can write an even longer post about Life, the Universe and Everything and Something or Other as it Relates to Evolution and Religion and UFOs and Personal Spiritual Experienceand recover the crown for "Longest Post in the Nacle".

It seems like the new Nacle fad is to say something it Satanic and then build up some sort of rationale to support your argument. Roasted Tomatoes started it, then Aaron B. Cox followed up, now Watt Mahoun has joined in. So, hey everybody, let's all join in the fun!

Apparently, in order to participate in this escapade of infernal attribution you must sport a plausible pseudonym. I am going to assume being a cartoon chihuahua qualifies me, and say that...uh...um...errrrrmmmmm...hrrrr...OK, got it...the entire Federal Government is Satanic! Oh, wait, D&C 101, crud. Um, OK, how about Hollywood! Yeah, but, I know, too obvious. Saturday Night Live? Transfatty acids? Wal-Mart? McDonalds? Victoria's Secret? Microsoft? Argh, need something less obvious...less obvious...oh, i got it...blogging...yeah, blogging is Satanic because its huge waste of time when you should be out doing your visiting/home teaching and befriending your neighbors and generally serving people selflessly and doing good works instead of sitting on your lardy bottom...and...uh...wait a minute...let me rethink this one and get back to you.

Over on a BCC thread, Dastardly Dave has revealed why he created LDSelect, so he can help out all the little people who have been ignored by the Mormon Archipelago. Little guys like Trap, No Trap, who spew more vitriol and profanity than a drunken sailor.

Too many ‘naclers are concerned with power and recognition and self-promotion–that’s why concern about “community” is only ever expressed by those who fancy themselves to be its shepherds or overseers or leaders. It’s not those who adopt non-conformist accents (like me) who get ignored. It’s those that are deemed unimportant who can’t get the time of day from the self-styled overseers.

DKL shoots off his mouth, and Rusty and GeoffJ take him to task. Note the way DKL feigns innocence while casting aspersions about Rusty's life being humdrum. How pleasant. Well, yes, DKL's fast-paced life of writing zippy web pages and bashing people on the Nacle and posing as a married mother of two (something he takes great pride in and preens over, even now when everyone but him recognizes his hubris) whom he set up and then attacks as himself is pretty dashing, exciting, cosmopolitan and envy-inducing.

Dastardly Dave picks at motes in other's eyes all the while hypocritically setting himself up as the Nacle's New Shepherd and Overseer and Leader. All Hail DKL, righteous overlord zealot of inclusivity and impartiality!

Lets see how long it takes for the post-mo, ex-mo and anti-mo crowd to take over LDSelect and swamp it.

Unconfirmed reports have enraged Mormons pelting Calvin Grondahl's office at the Ogden Standard Examiner with truckloads of green jello.

A kind submitter forwarded Dastardly Dave's announcement to us, please note DD said they could forwarded it. Feast your eyes on DD's plans for Nacle Domination, and never again will Russ Johnston ever be acknowledged for his runner-up unsung hero-ness for setting up the ldsblogs.org front end.

Sensitive info has been xxxxxxxxxx out.

________________________________________________________________

From: David King Landrith
Date: xxxxxxxxxx
Subject: LDSelect (www.ldselect.org)
To: xxxxxxxxxx


Hi xxxxxxxxxx,


I've put together a new bloggernacle aggregator that allows each user to select which LDS blogs she views and to customize their categorization.


I do not require any reciprocal promotion or linking in exchange for listing, nor will I reward it. Once enough users have registered, the default categorization will be changed on an ongoing basis to reflect an aggregation of their current preferences.


The aggregator is named LDSelect (pronounced L-D-S elect). It's URL follows:


http://www.ldselect.org


Please feel free to forward this email to anyone that may be interested. I've pulled together as many emails as I can, but many blogs don't list contact info.


Also, I will certainly appreciate any kind of post that acknowledges, announces, or promotes its inauguration. If you would like to link to LDSelect on your blogroll, please use the name "LDSelect". If you would like to include a graphic, LDSelect graphics (148x24 pixels) are available in the Frequently Asked Questions section of the site at http://www.ldselect.org/faq.


To start with, LDSelect lists about 75 blogs, yours included. I'm happy to add additional LDS-themed blogs, provided that they send me their name, their URL, and the URL of their RSS feeds. For more information, please feel free to contact me directly or consult the Frequently Asked Questions list at http://www.ldselect.org/faq.


Best regards,


Dave Landrith







-------------------------------------------------------
David King Landrith
(w) 617.xxxxxxxxxx
(h) 617.xxxxxxxxxx


One useless man is a disgrace, two
are called a law firm, and three or more
become a congress -- John Adams
-------------------------------------------------------
public key available upon request

The Millennial Black Hole has succesfully recruited Jeff Lindsay to sign on. Do you think Dr. Lindsay is up to the task of reviving this patient, who's pulse has been pretty weak and thready for quite some time? Any more atrial fibrillation on M0 and they're done. But, hey, you never know. Maybe Jeff will give these tepid conservatives the kick in the pants they need to get up and represent.

The real benefit to Lindsay is the delete-happy M0 admins will keep the trolls that harrass him on his own blog at bay, which is kind of nice for him.

But, does this mean Mormanity is going to fall by the wayside, or is Jeff doing double duty? If I were him I would keep Mormanity going, so when M0 is laid to rest he doesn't have to restart Mormanity all over again. Better safe than sorry, Jeff.

I wish I could quit you.
Original source

Nothing like a little payback, eh, T&S? Punish Mormon Archipelago by promoting LDSelect.org, a flagrant ripoff of MA. Oh, but its customizable! And the comments are on the left side and not the right side! Uh, huh. Yeah. Oh, and look who is running it [OK, link disabled at various people's request, to protect the innocent wife and kids, but its DKL, trust us, and if you don't believe me then send me an e-mail]. Well, what a surprise. If he cannot take it over one way, he will take it over another. Kaimi demures, insisting its not an act of spite towards the MA, but come on, man, do you think we are that stupid?

T&S gets demoted by the MA, so they get pissed, then the most reviled person on the Nacle offers T&S some payback, and they are only too willing to oblidge, feigning indifference. Kind of surprising T&S hasn't already posted an LDSelect icon on its sidebar, but that would be a dead giveaway if they did.

This just proves the Bloggernacle is more like a soap opera than reality.

AAARRGHHH! Nothing makes me angrier than whited sepulcher mote pickers who ought to mind their own business, because we all know that avoiding the appearance of evil doesn't really mean not looking like you are doing something evil but that you should get out of evil's way before it arrives, right? YEAH! So, we can look evil all we want, as long as we aren't actually doing evil!

Ha! I am going to teach those Iron Rodders a lesson by baiting them and then slapping them in the face with their superficial judgements based on appearances. Plan of action checklist:

Drink Clausthaler when the missionaries come over for dinner, and stop at all Starbucks in town, especially the one in the stripmall the Bishop's wife grocery shops at, for Caramel Apple Ciders, but ask them to put it in a regular coffee cup.

Carry pack of fake ciggies in purse and conspiculously wear some sort of transdermal patch that looks like a Nicoderm CQ. Also, get a roach clip and keep it on keychain and dangle it conspicuously in front of people whenever getting in and out of car or using church keys. Most Mormons probably wouldn't get it, but the ones who had strayed off the straight and narrow might, and sometimes those are the ones most eager to find fault with others.

Get conspicuous Henna tattoo, but make it religious, just to make them think twice.

Put multiple clip on ear rings, like two in one ear and four in the other, and a couple of nose rings. Cuz if they aint pokin holes in my body, then its still a temple, right?

Hurrrrmmmm...what else, what else?

Since the Nacle is dominated by guys (although not so bad as it used to be since FMH, MMC, TftC & ZD have turned the tide) who are invariably emotionally impaired by the missing DNA on that last Y chromosome, the womyn at FMH have done you all a big, big favor and posted a bunch of their favorite poems for some Valentine's Day preparations. Score some points here easy, guys. Pay attention. Get some nice stationary and a nice card, hand write (DO NOT PRINT THE POEM OFF ON YOUR COMPUTER!!! No, doing it in a cursive font that looks like script writing is NOT ACCEPTABLE!!!) one of the poems on the stationary, put it in the card, write something nice in the card, and give it to that special lady with some flowers on Valentine's Day. Easy peasy. Screw this one up and you deserve the dog house.

P.S., if Ronan turns up missing on the 15th, it'll probably be because he completely missed the boat on all of Rebecca's favorite poems, which she labeled herself.

Well, its been awhile since Kontentious Kurt and Dastardly Dave went at it, so yesterday provided some much needed entertainment over at BCC, while Ronan dished up the usual tired old WOW luke warm soup. Next week he will ask if it is OK to smoke nicotine-free cigarettes.

We all know the saying about not getting into a whizzing match with a skunk, but what happens when two skunks go at it? EEEEEEEEW, run away!

For those not wanting to wade through the mess, here is the Reader's Digest version:

Kontentious Kurt: Blah blah blah
Dastardly Dave: Neener neener neener
KK: Yada yada yada
DD: Boogeda boogeda boogeda
KK: Yakety smakety
DD: Hoooo ha ha
KK: You stink
DD: Wah
KK: Hardee har har

Yep, and everyone comes out smellin like a rose.

Back in December we here at SN Industries LTD. offered a free "Monkey Steals the Peach" shirt to the one person who sent in the most snarky leads that got used. Well, the winner for January was sent the shirt thru zazzle.com and is proudly modeling it below:


Thanks to all the people who did contribute! Keep them coming in, and whoever sends in the most snarks for February that get used here gets a shirt too! Woohoo! You know you want one bad, and will wear it to church.

Stylin!

You're right on the money, Kim.

Before introducing the CTR acronym to the general church membership, extensive focus group testing was conducted. The focus group results indicated the best acronym to introduce subtle political indoctrination to generations of children across many continents.

Some of the rejected acronyms were:

Choose the Republicans (CTR)
Status: Rejected
Reason: According to the program director at the time, "Unfortunately, the Republican party does not exist in all nations. Remember, we're an international church."

Choose the Righteous (CTR)
Status: Rejected
Reason: The repeated use of this word in cartoons featuring martial-art-practicing turtles in the early 90's made this one a no-go.

Choose the Fascists (CTF)
Status: Rejected
Reason: While this would correlate directly with Kim's hypothesis, the focus groups deemed the catchy phrase as "not subtle enough". Also, some otherwise acceptable conservative candidates are simply not hardline enough to qualify as fascists, and the slogan might confuse some members.

Choose the Conservatives (CTC)
Status: Rejected
Reason: Direct, yet does not endorse any particular political party. However, the acronym CTC has various meanings in different countries. For example, in Chile it refers to the national telephone company. In Kim's homeland of Canada, CTC has nothing to do with politics or religion. In the UK, CTC is a cycling association--and we all know that lycra biking shorts and men with shaved legs are anything but conservative.

Choose the Right (CTR)
Status: Accepted
Reason: Subtle enough, and contains that sneaky double religious/political meaning. People actually think it's about making right choices, rather than making the right choice to choose a conservative party/candidate.
Results: Look at Canada (CTR), Italy (SiG), and Germany (WdR). The CTR program is having great success in these nations as evidenced by recent elections. You think the election outcome in Kim's homeland of Canada had to do with growing resentment over the scandal-plagued Liberal party? Ha! Don't delude yourself. The elections are clearly the result of a subtle political indoctrination, caused by a simple ring given to each child during the year of his/her 5th birthday. Additionally, Other organizations adopting the acronym CTR are relatively unknown in the mainstream.

However, now that Kim has brought the true meaning of CTR to the light, it is possible that the entire program may be abandoned to avoid a PR disaster.

J. Stapley's time posting on T&S is up, and for the life of us we cannot figure out what the heck he was talking about, but that is OK because even he himself cannot be certain. Something about Wagner's Ring Cycle and its connections to Smith's late Nauvoo theology, heralding "research" funded by coffee makers about how good coffee is for you, the problem with the Mormon problem, which may or may not have really been about same sex marriage after all, not that J will do anything to clear up what his intentions really were there, preferring instead to allow others to define what it was he was talking about. Huh, OK.

Really, what can you say about a series of guest posts where the best comment is an unqualified endorsement of archaic syntactical diacritical marks?

Wait, wait, I know what it is! Stapley misses Nate Oman so much he decided to channel him through his guest postings. Kinda surprising he didn't work some Gilbert & Sullivan references in...or did he!?!?!? Doo-noo-noo...

Rosalynde Welch and Julie M. Smith are squaring off in style. While politely complimenting one another, they insinuate all sorts of unpleasantries. Ah, nothing like watching two women of completely different stripe politely duke it out in public. Rosalynde definitely wins the Big Word prize, Julie being unable to keep up. But, Julie wins the Hand Waving prize, dismissing Scriptural texts hostile to her position by saying their meaning is too obscure and "unrecoverable". Hey, that is what most of Christendom does with most of the Bible, all the troublesome bits anyway, so there is ample precedent supporting her.

As things are winding down, Julie drops the polite facade, rudely positing an assinine question that bears little relevance to the discussion at hand, in nothing more than an attempt to cast Rosalynde as ignorant. Lets see if Rosalynde takes off her kid gloves and takes Julie to task for such an affront.

Dear Aunt Snarky,

My roommate and I have a disagreement. He thinks the National Enquirer is fake, I think the Bloggernacle is fake. We have made a bet, and have agreed to accept your answer.

I think some of the things in the National Enquirer are at least possible. Like for instance, somebody says Elvis was seen in a laundromat in Pocatello. Well, Elvis COULD be in Pocatello, right? And if he was, wouldn't he have to do laundry? Right again. Then there is that other article by the guy who claims to be the illegitimate love child of Ellen DeGeneres and the Pope. Hey, who knows? I mean, she is young and attractive, he has a good job and a stable income. They were both born Catholic, and they both like Italian food. Who's to say it couldn't happen?

On the other hand, the bloggernacle is just plain nuts. My roommate was telling me, and he swears it's true, that there is this thing like the Oxygen channel, where women talk for days about how they have to go into therapy because twenty years ago when they were beehives the mean old bishop wouldn't let them get the boy scout woodchopping merit badge. And then they change the subject and talk about cramps and control top pantyhose and stuff. Is there anybody, ANYBODY, who would want to participate in something like that? No, the thought makes reason stare. It's obviously fake.

Another thing that proves the bloggernacle is phony is that the people in it are supposed to be smart. My roommate says lots of them claim to be college professors and lawyers, but I think he was just trying to make another lawyer joke. As if anybody who was really smart would want to be associated with something like that. For example, he showed me this thing that says the Super Bowl is satanic, and he says the guy who wrote it is a lawyer. Oh, sure. Like somebody who spent three years getting trained in jurisPRUDENCE wouldn't know better than to put his name on something that stooopid. That's just crazy talk. Plus, lawyers have important jobs. I'm sure there is no way they would waste billable, company time in something foolish like this.

But here is the main reason I think the bloggernacle is fake. My roommate says that people have discussions about stuff when they don't even know what they are talking about. If you take a topic where Gordon B. Hinckley says "I don't know" and then raise that topic in the bloggernacle, people there DO know, and they know it FOR SURE. So there are lots of arguments and stuff, where people who don't even know each other get all huffy. Think about that. You can malign complete strangers and call them to repentance, and you don't even have to use your real name! Don't you think something like that would soon become a magnet for self-righteous, self-important showoffs? Of course it would, and it would soon fall over from the weight of its own smugness.

So that is our question, Aunt Snarky. Settle our bet for us by telling us which one is more likely to be fake. Please see it my way, there is a steak dinner riding on your decision!

Thanks,

Norm Al Morm

p.s. If this bloggernacle thingy really is real, that means you have a pretty easy job, right?

p.p.s. Do you really get your information from a chihuahua?


Dear Norm,

We are a chihuahua, so, yes, all of our information comes from a chihuahua, and, yes, our job usually is pretty easy.

Now that that is cleared up, yes the Bloggernacle is real, just take the Banner of Heaven for example, there you had a group of young kids all earnestly pouring their hearts out over mental health issues...oh...um...wait...OK, bad example. Lets try this again. Take a look at Feminist Mormon Housewives, staffed with...um...a bunch of women all named Lisa...and some Greek godesses...OK, well, alright, how about Zelophedad's Daughters then? You have Kiskilili, Elbereth, Melyngoch and...uh...Amalthea...who are all sisters...of the same father...who likes wierd names...errrrrmmmm.... Um...

Alright, no, come on, how about GeoffJ who is a part-time ninja and ska band member, and AnneGB who is a cantankerous old gal who wants to kill her husband and marry off her older tatooed daughter when she isn't working at Wal-Mart telling people she is a lesbian, and Susan M the mormon mom who is into cookie monster voiced Death Metal, and Clark Goble the physicist who reads Philosophy Today and Journal of Discourses in the bathroom, and Ronan the only British member of the Bleeding Heart American Liberals Foundation who heads up the NibletCast while teaching his young son about Monkey Steals the Peach, and DMI Dave the lawyer who reads a couple of hundred books a week while running his own blog site and managing another while married with kids apparently without smoking methamphetamine, and Steve EM the complete pervert who actively evangelizes Mormonism while bashing General Authorities the Word of Wisdom and civility in general while publicly opining the recent surprise of a 20 year old son whom his wife insists he befriend while he refuses, and Rusty the uber-gay-sensitive graphics arts designer in NYC...who is a faithful Mormon who co-blogs with his Dad...and Ned Flanders the less-active underemployed cartoon character...who...um...lives in...Rhode Island...and has moral dilemas about former converts he taught and baptised...and Roasted Tomatoes and Serenity Valley...who...um...champion liberation theology to Mormons while retranslating the Book of Mormon into modern English...and have...various...people...

OK, I give up. Its all just a fake. I cannot do this anymore. Its all a giant Turing machine. I admit it. Its a Beowulf cluster composed of old PCs strung together in my basement, front ending a database of inane conversations excerpted from MySpace chats randomly mixed with the electronic text from Encyclopedia of Mormonism and Journal of Discourses. It is designed to place standard topics into rotation (e.g., Women & The Priesthood, Blacks & The Priesthood, Institutional Racism in the Church, Old General Authority Speculation, Polygamy, LDS Church's Theological Etiology, Politics & Religion, Abortion, Murder, Death Penalty, and exegesis of obscure Biblical texts) and mix up inflamitory language and spelling mistakes. It make liberal use of a thesaurus as well, so as to throw the nit-pickers off. I did it in my spare time as a social experiment.

I'm sorry, Norm, to have deceived everyone like that. Its a shame. But, it just kind of got out of control once it started, good intentions gone bad.

But, remember, after its all over, you can stand around trumpeting yourself as "the most reviled member of the Bloggernacle" and expect people to attempt to exonerate you for it. Except the Bloggernacle doesn't really exist.

Aunt Snarky

P.S. Throw a dog a bone off that steak, will you?

P.P.S, The National Enquirer is more real, since it at least is in print and the paper and ink that composes it is substantive, even if the information it conveys isn't accurate.

The Bigoted Collection of Cretins (BCC) has posted a horribly race-insensitive post mocking those who hold dear the traditional lifestyle of Caribbean Sugar Cain production. Even worse, they viciously and mercilesly deride and mock those who come to the defense of such an august trade, the very trade that puts the sugar they eat on their own tables. YOU HYPOCRITES! Like you don't eat sugar! LIARS! Everything you corporate America shills eat is filled with the sugar produced by real hard working people, unlike you lardy American pompous slobs! On the average, harvesting canes takes some 400 man-hours per hectare or 6.87 man-hours per ton of cane. Like any one of you could ever even withstand the rigors of hard labor in the full sun of tropical climes!!! A skilled cane harvester can cut 500 kg of sugarcane in an hour. Like any one of you softies could even lift a machete! You would cut yourselves to ribbons before you even got one cane cut! You horrid, insensitive, elitist, racist corporate pigs! You mock the very people who labor to feed you your fancy treats! You are no better than your forebears!!! I hope you all choke on sweets!

Artemis, FMH goddess of wilderness, hunting, wild animals, and fertility, angrily calls her Bishop to repentance for not having more fertility-based holiday remembrances in Sacrament Meeting. At least she is true to form.

Yep, pastel colored eggs, baby chicks, fluffy bunnies and new clothes are all about the resurrection of Christ.



Yup. Now that is Christian.

Dear Nacle,

The BloggerNacle Snarker is pleased to announce that S. Mack Dazzle and D. Golden Shizzle, formerly of Bloggernacle Smackdown, have joined the ranks of SN Industries LTD. Their posts there were sufficiently clever and amusing, without crossing that tenuous line of bad taste, to merit my extending an offer to them, and they accepted. The deal was closed with an exchange of common stock and palpable threats. There was no disclosure of secret identities.

Dazzle and Shizzle will be posting to the SnarkerNacle without any direct editorial oversight or prior approval. However, if they step out of line, they will be terminated with extreme prejudice and suitable punitive actions will be taken against family members and pets.

Sincerely,

The Bloggernacle Snarker
President, SN Industries LTD.

She's got a smile that it seems to me
She ought to be running Relief Society
Where everything
Is as prim as a hand made doily
Now and then when I see her face
She takes me away to the celestial place
And if I'd stare too long
I'd probably recall the pre-existence

Sweet spirit o' mine
Sweet wife of mine

She's got a dress from Gunny Sacks
patterned with barns and birds
I hate to see her in spandex
And expose her lovely of curves
Her hair reminds me of her wedding veil
When she was a blushing bride
And pray for the ward
And the stake
To calle me to leadership

Sweet spirit o' mine
Sweet wife of mine

Lets go to the Temple now
Lets go to the Temple now
To the Temple we go
Sweet spirit o' mine

We have a lot of angry, upset womyn on the Nacle lately. What is the deal? Someone, who happens to be a female, and wishes to be anonymous (cannot imagine why) suggests she knows the reason:

Hmm. Well, I'm not sure if you meant to imply this in your post about all the feminist stuff on the blogs lately, but maybe all the women on the blogs are starting to get their periods at the same time. That does happen you know, with groups of women living in close proximity to one another.

Check it out:

http://www.menstruation.com.au/periodpages/menstrualsynchrony.html

http://www.mum.org/mensy71a.htm

Apparently, the only Naclerette not in synchrony at this point is Tanya Spackman.

Forget about Punxsutawney Phil.

Today is the day when the Bloggernacle Snarker rises early to see if he can see his doggy shadow in the light of the Nacle posts of the day. If there is more light than heat, then the Snarker sees his shadow and its six more weeks of lousy, contrived snarking. If its more heat than light, the Snarker sees no shadow and its on to the low-hanging fruit and easy snarks that are hopefully amusing.

Well, Naclers, what say you? Are you going to pile it on, or what?

"Yo quiero Blogger Nacel."

A stake of the LDS Church in Arizona has recently apostatized and changed its affiliation to the Church of Monday Night Football (have to use the Google cache because the membership of the COMNF has been in arrears in their tithes for some time now). The COMNF will be holding their annual General Conference this Sunday, broadcast nationwide, and the newly converted Arizona stake will be in attendance.

Prayer to be heard in this Sunday's Worship Service, which worship service will be using alcohol-based drinks, unlike the LDS church which uses water. Owing to this abrupt shift, the assumption is there will copious consumption followed shortly thereafter by equally copious vomiting on the parts of the new converts, a traditional rite of passage observed by millions of devout COMNF worshipers nationwide.

Attendance among High Priests, Elders, and Young Men of the newly converted Arizona Stake is anticipated to be at astonishingly high levels, with percentages exceeding those observed while the stake was affiliated with the LDS Church. The predictions are because of the highly effective reactivation program employed by the COMNF Relief Society, pictured below, who's motto is "Silicon never Faileth".



President Gordon B. Hinckley, leader of the LDS Church, was quoted as saying, "We lovingly encourage members of this Arizona stake to forsake the world and turn back to the Church that offers them the sure path to salvation." It is predicted by numerous sociological experts that most of the new COMNF converts will return to the LDS Church the following Sunday, fully in denial, and be subjected to several meetings where the subject will be "Keeping the Sabbath Day Holy" so as to bring about a state of repentance.

Not sure what happened yesterday behind the scenes at T&S, but a whole slew of posts by angry T&S female permabores hit the Bloggernacle. First, Rosalynde Welch is irritated at being patronized, then Julie in Austin practices what she preaches by inisting women have authority on their heads, so she posts and then promptly shuts down all comments, exercising her permabore authority (but subverted here). And then Kristine Haglund Harris cuts lose on the latent sexism and historical baggage in the church that is even infecting her own son and impacting her own daughter.

Why did all three of them let rip on the same day? And, Rebecca over at FMH tore it up as well. Hmmmm. Is it a coincidence, or did they all have the same source of inspiration? Or, has something happened behind the scenes there at T&S that has irritated the gals? Did Kaimi says something dumb? No, entirely too implausible, I mean the guy never says anything the feminists would find offensive. Was it because FMHLisa didn't win her Niblet? Nah, that would just be petty. I bet I know, Adam Greenwood tried to put his foot down and stepped on some toes. Yeah, that must be it.

UPDATE: additional reasearch into the matter indicates Julie's post was in response to comments in this thread, and Rosalynde's may have been inspired by comments made in this post. So, perhaps Zelophedaddy's Daughters should be thrown into the ring for Queens of Edgy along with MMW and TFtC. Please send gossip to: snarkernacle at yahoo.ca